To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

I think you have something to offer her now and in the short term to make sense of her situation and grief, within the family
Any change should be planned, it can take two years to be adopted, why should she have multiple careers if family can manage?
Of course if it breaks down with you that will have to be considered, if you give up they are likely to try with dad again?
Consider the immediate and medium term as a separate problem from long term. You have time to think about long term, it may become more obvious what is good for her and your family. You are in an emergency, ongoing crisis situation which may change, better for her to get basic care in a loving family she knows unless it is really untenable.
The medium term is tricky, your own needs to be balanced against hers. Just do the next right thing, get counselling if you can, the solution will emerge from the circumstances.
Easy to say but don't stress the future, things are in flux. You are doing a great job, if she is to be prepared for a move you will be best placed to help. I think your main problem is going to be the lack of support from local authority. Best wishes

Dear MrsRyanGosling - you are so strong. And your DH is a good man.

You are truly between a rock and a hard place. I really do not know what to advise about your Dsis except to try to keep the stress associated with dealing with your father separate from the worry about Dsis. She is safe with you right now and that in itself is all that is needed - in fact from her pov it is crucial. Take that situation day by day. Don't let it balloon out of proportion just for the moment. Try to stop thinking of the 'what ifs' and all the unknowns. You are in a holding pattern wrt Dsis and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

When it comes to your father - remember the three Cs:
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
It goes for MH problems as much as for alcoholism.

Can you step back a bit from him, emotionally and psychologically?
I think you lost him a long time ago.
There is an old saying about trying to save a drowning man - don't do it because he will drag you under with him. Seek appropriately equipped help instead.
You have tried to seek help, and it is not available right now. You can only wait. As a poster upthread said - you can feel guilty without being guilty. No matter what happens between now and when help arrives, and no matter how inadequate the help is, you are not guilty for whatever happens, despite feeling so much responsibility. You are doing your utmost and that is all anyone can ask. Let whatever happens happen.

I have a little experience of dealing with my exH's MH issues, and was drained by it, physically and mentally and emotionally. I slept on an upstairs landing because I was afraid he would harm the DCs. I took all the knives and BBQ forks and sharp stuff out of the kitchen nightly. In the end I had to disengage and let him make his own choices - including suicide if that was what he wanted.

All I could do was keep the DCs safe and keep myself as much together as I could.

www.nofas-uk.org/
You probably know about this organisation, but for your future reference...

When you have 4 children already, another one is not going to make all that much difference.

Unfortunately that is definitely not true. A child with FASD will make a lot of difference, and is likely to exhibit a lot of challenging behaviours. The OP has too much on her plate already with her dad's needs.

My DD1 has has behavioural challenges as a result of her adoption, and adopting DD2, whilst I would never regret it, has caused no end of angst and jealousy. And they are birth siblings.

It's such a difficult decision, Mrs, but you have to make the right decision for your own DCs.

OP, there are some brilliant foster carers out there. My friend is such a one. She has time to devote to the 2 children in her care because her own DCs have grown and left home. She has masses of experience dealing with DCs with all sorts of problems.

The DCs in her care still see their families but SS realised that being with their families was not what was best for them.

You have to look at the impact on your own DCs, they didn't ask to be born either. I think some people here have no experience with DCs with special needs or they wouldn't be so harsh.

Another thing to bear in mind is that fostered children have far easier access to resources and support where natural families are often left to cope. It may be better for your sister to be in such a home.

Whatever you decide is not wrong. Either will be fraught with difficulties and difficult feelings.
You need to think long term. Really the half way house you would really like is the worse of the scenarios. You either need to let her go now, with regular but infrequent contract so that she can create a new life, or you need to commit to having her forever. By dragging out that decision, you will be making life harder for her.
Don't feel guilty. Decide as soon as you can and make peace with that decision. You are not a robot. This isn't a straightforward situation. There are emotions and practicalities involved. Time is of the essence though.
Good luck.

So sorry to hear what you're going through, OP. For what it's worth, I think you're doing really well. You sound like an incredibly strong person and your family are lucky to have you.

I really would avoid putting her in the foster system if at all possible though, statistically that is crippling for life chances and is quite traumatic. Could you foster her until an adoption goes through, do you think? I believe you'd get payments as a non-parental carer and it would be a relatively short time period, compared with having her forever. I wouldn't get her fostered without allowing adoption either, I do think it is unfair to keep a child in limbo like that, she should feel like she belongs in a permanent family. At her current age, I'd imagine she will find a family fairly quickly and kids of that age adapt remarkably quickly. It's in no way your fault, do not feel guilty. Hugs for you x

I think whatever you decide, along will come guilt, I completely understand your anger towards the parent who put you in this situation, some people live there lives doing completely what they want and others pick up the pieces.

If she goes into care when she’s under 5 years old she has a high chance of being adopted, this could be the best option for her.

It sounds like he siblings all have doubts about taking her on, there’s a chance she could get passed around and not really be wanted? No one should be forced into taking a child on just because they are family. You have to consider the children you already have and how they could be effected by another child being brought into the house, one that may have issues. It doesn’t make you a bad person for saying ‘no’.

Hi op i dobt really have any advice or experience. But from the spunds of it from your posts she may be better living with you. You will want her every weekend. A say in her schooling etc. But that can only really happen if she is with you or you dsis. If she is looked after by someone else they will have parental responsobility for her and make those decisions. If she became adopted they can move and then she will be gone. You clearly lover her so very much. How old are your other dc? Would they understand if you had a sit down and explain to them how she might stay with you and how you are not going to change and your love is still the same etc.? I know its hard but i think it would be harder for you if you let someone else care for her. She might end up anywhere. Flowers to you. Its hard but you will get through it as you are so strong and an experienced mother already!

I remember this post from January. Im sorry mrs that it has come to this so soon.
All I can say is that you are one hell of a person dealing with this. No matter what decision you make, please make sure you deal with your own thoughts regarding your DS with a professional.

Someone mentioned special guardianship which might be your best option as it gives additional help.

Tbh sharing the care with your dsis isn't really workable as she gets older either. She won't want to be passed from pillar to post and she might feel unwanted by both of you. Either let her go for adoption sooner rather than later, or decide to keep her full time.

Mrs I really have no experience to offer, I just feel so so sorry that you, your family and your little DSis are in this situation.

Your post about fostering but having her at weekends etc. - what about a regular respite provision? So you have her with you but she regularly goes elsewhere and has time with professionals with proper training, sensory activities etc? (as opposed to 'normal' childcare/childminder) I have no idea if such a thing exists, but would hope it does.
Or PP suggested a nanny, might that be an option?

I am reading this with a very heavy heart as your Dads situation is identical to a very very dear friend of mine. Luckily, his wife was still around so DCs we're not an issue but his descent into mental illness and alcoholism and your struggles trying to get him help really remind me of what we went through.

And yes, he died in the end, as we knew he would as no-one could help him.

So not only do you have the huge question to consider about your sister (which you are getting some amazing help and support here for) but the guilt / anger / helplessness and fear of desperately trying to help someone who can't be helped.

Have you tried Al Anon counselling for you?? That could just deal with a tiny part of this situation - but could give you just that extra bit of strength you need to carry on.

You said upthread something along the lines that he will only be at peace when he dies and that's what started me off. My friend lived a terrible life for the last 18 months and there was an enormous sense of relief when he died - for him, for me, for his family - it's not something I'd freely admit IRL but it's true. I felt a huge weight lift and do now think that at least he's not in all that pain anymore.

I can't really comment more on your sister but think that whatever decision you come to you are clearly coming at it from 100% the right place and so have faith that it will be the right path even if it doesn't seem like it at times.

I couldn't imagine just seeing her once a month. I think what I want is impossible. I think I want to split myself in two and be there for everyone. But really I think I just want to run away on my own and never come back.

It is a terribly terribly hard situation

At the risk of sounding really heartless though the person who needs to be put first here is your little Dsis. In some ways yes you will lose out if you don't bring her up but rationally if you having her long term isn't the best thing then this is something that can't be changed.

So the question for me isn't about guilt (you have nothing to feel guilty about, other than those who have committed horrible crimes most people don't) or love. It is about what is best for this little girl long term. That is what you need to prioritise and I think deep down you suspect that her being one of 5 children isn't the best for her. Admitting that is incredibly brave I think and all this 'one more won't matter' guff when taking in a child with complex needs borders on the neglectful frankly. You are a good mother otoh so can see the difficulties.

Yanbu. I always said ill take my sisters two and i would but know ive got my own dd i really not sure where they sleep and not sure financially we could cope. Yes ill do it but my sisters two dont have any medical problems like that little girl has which will effect everyone. In your case fostering but keeping comtact with her extended family might be the way to go. Sounds like this little girl needs 1 to 1 support. Wheres ss in this. Its a very hard decision. You sound amazing mum whos practially weighing up everything x

As an adopter I say don't feel guilty. If you don't take her that means some couple desperate to adopt may get the chance to have a longed for child. Not taking in your sibling does not condemn her, it releases her to another loving family, who may not have a child otherwise. SS have to go to family first but that's hard for adoptors who are waiting to be matched and know they have so much to offer.

you poor lady,,What an awful situation to be in.
Could you approach Social Services and ask for guidance and help on this,?
Do you think your own children could resent her is she did come to live with you,?
And just who is it that assumes you will take her in?
I do hope you find some answers, bless you.

To be honest I have gone beyond listening to the "have her in a heartbeat" gang. I would really worry that anyone could make life changing decisions for so many people without thinking through each and every part of it and the implications on each child.
And who really thinks one more won't matter after 4? These are real, individual children, I'm not collecting stuffed animals ffs

I'm so sorry to her another family had someone like my dad in it. It's just horrible. I have lived with constant anxiety of is he drinking is he not. Will he kill himself will he not. If he takes too long to answer a door I'm practically climbing in the window convinced he's dead. It's a shit way to live.

for you op. What an awful situation to be in. Not a lot to add, but imo you are not being unreasonable to put your own family and mental health first. Good luck with whatever you decide and i would also second the idea of counselling to work through some of the issues you've raised here.

Mine are now 8 months, 3, 4 and 12.

I hear everything that everyone is legitimately saying. It's all incredibly sad. Still, I'd have to give it a shot, even knowing that it might fail. I might fail. However, it's not beyond belief that it could work out well.
It could be successful and I'd be willing to give it a chance.

Mine are now 8 months, 3, 4 and 12.

The three small ones are very young to have your attention taken away by a needy two-year-old. As you say, they're not stuffed animals you're collecting.

Let him go, you have no choice, if he comes back ok, but drink means you cannot help. He should have medical care, why can't he breathe? He seems beyond reason at the moment. You can help him by caring for your sister right now, don't worry about the future until things become clearer. Not saying don't think about it, but give time for the dust to settle and to be in the situation irl rather than in your head. You are overwhelmed and it is difficult to think straight.

A friend of mine adopted two siblings aged 5 and 2 last year, both of whom have health issues. Whereas they had fabulous foster parents and are still in contact with them, they have been terrifically lucky to have been placed with my friend and her husband who couldn't have their own children.

Just saying that there are some fabulous people out there waiting to adopt kids. In your shoes I would I think be exploring this option with ss, though probably keeping hold of her in the meantime.