To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

mrsryangosling, commented at the start of the thread under a different username. I think you’re amazing and whatever it is you decide to do in the end I’m sure it will be the right thing as you are putting so much thought into the situation and obviously care so much about everyone involved.

It sounds like a really tough time for you at the moment, but try when you can to take some time to care for yourself too, you’re under a lot of stress so take breaks where you can.

Hope all you guys there have a peaceful Easter together. Xx

mrs I'm so sorry for what you are going through 💔
Your parent is at the end and it's so sad to think they will only have peace when they die
I do feel for your sibling she is just a baby she will be orphaned and that will hit hard

I have been in a similar situation but it wasn't a sibling
The boy had attachment disorder and suspected fas
I have my own dc and I just couldn't take the child
My own dcs lives would have suffered and I would not have coped
He went to live with a relative who is a drug addict and has been to prison
SS just wanted the child placed with someone, even better that it was a blood relative. A useless abusive one but hey it's family 😡 Makes me sick
The best of luck to you mrs from the bottom of my heart

You know I think realistically money won't be an issue. We are never going to be poor. Everyone will always have what the need. We can always earn more more with agancy/on call/private work etc but what I can't get more of is time. Time for her, time for my dc time all alone with us for each of them. It was a big decision to have 4. I look at each of them and each one fits. It wouldn't be the same if we only had 2 or 3.
I think she needs someone who can devote their days just to her. Give her the unconditional love and attention she needs. I feel I would be doing everyone a disservice by having her. Like they would all get 60% of what they need instead of about the 95% mine get now.

Someone asked about school. I put my younger ones at a school with excellent provision for special needs as I was trying to think ahead. I have already spoken to the principal about her. It's a lovely small school with great teachers. I know nothing of Foster care though. Could she live outside of our city or far away? Would they still let me have her every weekend, Easter Christmas etc? Would I have a say in her school placements? Can I pick her up from school and have her for dinner? She is still my baby sister and I see my other sister everyday or so. I couldn't imagine only seeing her once a month if she lived with someone else. Also how long does someone stay in Foster care? Until they are 18? Do they move about? So many questions that will hopefully start to be answered on Wednesday.

I can see exactly where you are and really feel you can't be expected to take on your half sister and really must consider your own family. The thing is as you know trying to get social services to do anything is neigh on impossible. If as you say your dad is in a really bad way I would let things take their course and keep lo safe at the moment. If and when there is a change and perhaps your dad passes away then you need to talk to SS about a long term plan as then you will know that there is no way they can try and send her back to dad.

I have two adopted children who now turn out to both have ASD and ADHD although we didn't know that when we adopted them. I can sympathise with you with regard to looking after a child with these types of special needs, it's really hard work. I have never been able to return to work for the last 12 years.

I have experience of SS and their lack of help but you have to stand firm as you did for your dad and you will get somewhere. Escalate, get CAMHs involved and show how much this lo has been damaged by her life with her BF.

I would say that you can ensure that you have contact with lo regularly even if she is adopted. Often now a days SS and the courts are more than happy to facilitate contact with family.

Good luck, as was said before I'd just do the minimum till you get DH home and try not to stress, keep it simple, tv dinners and take aways anything to reduce the amount you have to do. Take care .

Hi. FASD is a spectrum of disorders and each child will be different. Our daughter is at The lower end. The impact on the child will depend on what was developing at the time the alcohol did the damage which is why not all children have the facial signs for example.

In our daughter's case, she has an issue with one of her eyes and can suffer badly from constipation. We don't know if there will be any more physical issues until she gets older. The next big milestone will be puberty.

Like most kids with FASD, most of her issues are around concentration, understanding instructions, and behavioural. She can have epic meltdowns although these are getting better as she's getting older. She has seen CAMHS for help dealing with her emotions which has also helped a bit. She doesn't understand consequences either so we will have to watch others trying to lead her astray.

She gets extra support at school and is currently in mainstream education. Ed psych and OT teams both work with her. Secondary school will be a big challenge for her so we will have to choose carefully

She couldn't care less if she eats or not and is a fussy eater, which is common too. You can't do any of the "you are not leaving the table until you've eaten something ". She would just sit there all day.

She goes to cubs and after school clubs but we know when she will require the extra support. We also know when to decline party invites eg if sonething would be too much for her. Meltdowns can also be triggered by over stimulation

HOWEVER she is funny, kind, generous, and we are incredibly proud of her for all her achievements.

This might be something like being able to concentrate for a whole lesson, having a swimming lesson without panicking, or getting an award at school for good behaviour.

Our hopes and dreams for our daughter may have had to come down a level or two, and, she may never be fully independent, but she's a lovely little girl.

But, it will be a life full of challenges and things that other families take for granted, can be a huge thing for us such as going out to a restaurant. We actually managed dinner out like a normal family and we were thrilled.

You have a huge decision to make, just do what is best for you, because in turn it will be right for them too, even if it doesn't necessarily feel like it.

Sorry, I've written way too much I hope you made it to the end.

Sadly I am right. And the very best thing, in my opinion, that you can do for your sister is to go into battle with social care and get her a long term foster placement with someone who has ‘signed up’ for this and wants to card for children like her. No matter what sc tell you, these really amazing people do exist. And outcomes for children in care are generally shit because sc leave them with their inadequate patents for years before they do anything. At 2yo, your sister has a really good chance of doing well with foster caters. And you can absolutely still see her, have her for holidays etc. Maintaining a family link is something that courts and even the hapless social care log recognise as extremely positive and best for her. Long term foster carers often have ‘holidays’ without their placement children if there are family members to take them so you could have her for a bit every school holiday.

something struck me in your original post about how you couldn't look her in the face as an adult and tell her you just didn't want to have her.

I don't this is true, its not as simple as you wanting or not wanting to have her. You are in the middle of an incredibly difficult situation, a little girl with an uncertain medical future, and four other children to consider, let alone your own health and well being.
All your posts shout out to me that you do want to keep her but you are angry, quite rightly, about being put in this position, and worried, understandably so, about the implications for doing so.

Can I put a few thoughts out there

I'm an adoptive mum, my son's birth mother drank and took drugs during pregnancy. He does not have FAS, but he does have ASD and some other issues. I'm pretty sure alcohol and drugs have played their part in his difficulties. My son is doing ok, he is 14, is in mainstream school and has a good life. I firmly believe that a big part of this is down to the fact that is just him and me. He gets all my energy, all my time and attention. It could be argued that your sister would do better in a family where she is the sole focus.
With skilled therapy, my son has also come to terms with the circumstances which led to his adoption. He does not blame his birth family as such, though he isnt exactly chuffed at what they did, but he has made some kind of peace with it.
If you decided that for whatever reason you cannot keep her within your family unit, then it need not be a disaster for her.
Have you had any counselling ? it might help you to be at peace with whatever decision you eventually come to.
There is a saying - in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on before you help children.

You are angry, conflicted and being pulled in all directions, a bit of self care for you at the moment would go a long way. Whatever you do, don't make a decision in haste, take your time and weigh up the options. Good luck and be kind to yourself

Sorry sooo many typos! Fat fingers

I can’t say I’ve ever heard of foster care with the level of contact you describe up there except for maybe older children with quite profound disabilities who go to residential school.

Personally, my own feeling on it would be that if she can’t stay with you the fairest thing would probably be an adoption which was as open as possible. That would give her much more stability and certainty and it would also give the same to whoever cared for her and mean she and they could go ahead and get as attached as possible to each other without worrying about her leaving or being moved on elsewhere by SS.

I know the idea of foster care might appeal to you in terms of being able to see her more and possibly bring her home at some point in the future but from her point of view I don’t think it would be fair. Adoption would give her the most security and best chance of forming secure bonds, and the younger she is the better chance she has of it happening and also of it not failing.

My feeling would be that you really need to choose between her being with you full time or biting the bullet for adoption. Sorry if that is a bit brutal, but I think any other arrangement would be unfair on her.

lola, read the fucking thread. If you have and that’s all you’ve managed to get out of it then I despair in humanity.

Delete away mumsnet lola fuck right off. You think a 6 bed house makes a happy family? You think even without my dsis I'm happy? Spending my life dealing with a mentally ill alcoholic father alone? You clearly are as thick as shit with an inability to read. Now again, do fuck off. I can only think the type of person who would dare to be so cruel to someone that is clearly in turmoil is a sick sick person. Do you feel better now?

Lola, even the poster upthread who adopted a child with FAS decided not to adopt its sibling because of the potential impact on the existing DC.

Not everything is black and white.

mrsryan, you said it better than me.

Hope you’re okay.

ffs lola there's a lot more to parenting a child than having a 6 bed house and money
😡

Lola you’re precisely what I mean you have no idea what Mrs is facing it’s not an episode of East Enders it’s real lives and the welfare of 5 children and finding what is best for all of them

I've just seen your other post, I can't imagine you would get that level of contact with foster care. If she spent every weekend with you, holidays, you picked her up from school, then she might as well be with you full time.
If she goes into foster care you will have little or no say in the decisions about her life. If you feel you cannot keep her, you will have to let her go, to enable her to establish a secure and stable relationship with a new family, whether its a fostering or adoptive family. What you are suggesting would be far too confusing and destabilising for her.
My sons birth dad suggested something similar, thats what led to him going from long term fostering to adoption.

Thank you mightymucks. I think in my head she is hear for the foreseeable at the min. But I just have no idea about this type of thing. To actually say out loud to Social services "take her" just seems horrific.

And despite what some people on here may think, my dh and I are good people. We do the jobs we do because we want to help people. We paid for dsis mums funeral because we are good people. I have fought for my dad for so many years, had him in rehab, sectioned, physically sat on top of him when he was trying to climb out a window to get more drink, all because I try to be a good person and do the right thing for people. I just don't know where to find the strength for another massive fight. I had a horrible bereavement this year and I just want to talk to that person so much. They were so wise and always there to give me advice with my dad over the years.

If you want to have her for Christmas, Easter, pick her up from school etc then realistically you would have to keep her. If she goes into long term foster care the adults in that family would become her parents in all but name and would want to do those things with her. I have 2 long term foster kids and I couldn't imagine not having them with me for Christmas etc. They see their family once a month, which is quite unusual - the most is normally 6 times a year.

With her age, if she wasn't going back to her father, the most likely action would be for her to be put up for adoption anyway. It could be that the adoptive family let you have contact but that would be up to them and they wouldn't be obliged to at all if they didn't want to.

How has she left your dad? Was she removed by SS or did you take her before that could happen? That would make a difference as to whether he's likely to get her back or not. If they removed her he'd have to go through assessments and the court system, if you took her they could decide to just give her back. Apologies if you've already said and I missed it.

Whatever happens in the future, you're there for her now, at a crisis point in her life, and that's an amazing thing that you're doing.

kits my other dsis took her as I was on night Duty when we discovered he was drinking. She ran social services on the Friday morning who basically said "right OK we will schedule a meeting in the next week or 2. Contact the police and off duty social Work team if you dad attempts to take her as legally he still can" then they literally hung up.

Also kits I think I would really struggle with that. I thought the parents would maybe only have limited contact but I'm her sister. My kids are like her cousins. I couldn't imagine just seeing her once a month. I think what I want is impossible. I think I want to split myself in two and be there for everyone. But really I think I just want to run away on my own and never come back.

OP,
Sorry about the pain you are going through regarding your Father.

I've read all the pages and I think you are an amazing Mum and big sister.

Just ask yourself one question...
am I willing to put my sisters needs before my Childrens needs ?

As harsh as it sounds, that's what you will be doing.
Remember your Sister will grow, and as she grows so will her needs.

I really wish you and your lovely family all the luck for the future.

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and don't envy you in the slightest with this choice your parents have forced you to make.

I do know I would feel every bit of guilt , sorrow and anger you are feeling if I were in your position. so sad all around, for everyone involved.

In your position, I would not take your sister in. To be fair to everyone who lives in your household - including you , it's plain that your sister needs and will need a level of care that will take more time than you have .
The time you don't have already , the time your children would lose, the time your DH doesn't have anyway with his children - all of that will snowball - and you will continue to be torn in mutiple directions for years to come.. As much as you won't want to feel it - you will end up resenting the situation, your children will, and ultimately your sister will as well.

You have the sense to be clear headed about this, and I think you are being very honest with yourself. Making a decision like this from a purely emotional place will do you no favours ( or your sister), and I can't understand the posters who are wailing about how awful you are. I think you are being fabulous, and knowing what your own limits are is in no way unkind or unloving. Sometimes - being realistic is important.

Tell your other sister how it is, and what you know you can do. If she and her partner step up , fantastic - but if she doesn't = she has no right to criticise your choice and nor does your DH given the amount of time he is at home.

Other posters have spoken wisely about foster care and the like which I have no advice to provide on ( not in UK), but if there is an option that she could be placed with specialised carers and you could regularly see her, I would take it.

You have all (bar 1) been so wonderfully wise and kind. I said it before on this thread but this is honestly like free therapy! My stomach was in a know and I felt physically sick when I 1st posted tonight but I just realised I feel slightly lighter even though nothing has changed.

You’re doing the best you can OP. It’s a horrible situation to be in but put the needs of yourself and all 5 children first. Your father has had his chance and made his choices. He is not your responsibility. Look forward, not back. I hope things work out for you all