To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

tistheseason Its alright to feel guilt without being guilty. That one sentence is such an eye opener. Thank you.

@MrsRyanGosling15 there is a lot if kindness on this thread for you and in real life there will be, too x

Agree. The support here has outweighed the judgement although that must have really tainted the thread for you.

Wishing you the best.

Athaliah there are plenty of other needy vulnerable children in the system. Are you making other people feel guilty for not adopting them.

@MrsRyanGosling15 when we adopted our ds I was late 40s, his birth mum is at least 20 years younger than me. So a full or half sibling is possible up until I am early 60s. It's not guaranteed a child would be removed, but a child may be if one were born and circumstances unchanged.

At first I had felt sure I would take on a sibling if asked to. (We have a birth child too.) But now I am older and see how hard my two kids can be at times I don't know if we could take on another child. If a sibling entered the care system we would be able to maintain contact assuming they were adopted (ideally).

I just wanted to say this because this is an issue for adopters often.

MrsRyanGosling15 what a brilliant, caring sister you've been already .

Nest of vipers my arse! Honestly I can't tell you all the difference reading all this advice and support has made to me. There is a long way to go and lots of issues that I'm sure will come up but I think looking into some sort of shared care, even 70/30 is the way to go. I showed DH this thread. For the man that never swears, he had a few things to say about certain posts

Also I just found all the PM's (some from 2016 woops) thank you all. Especially one poster who was lovely and knowledgeable on here and wanted to be my friend It was really lovely for everyone to tell me all about their own stories and experiances too. So much to think about. X

I mean, ideally we would be able to maintain contact if they were adopted. Whether they were adopted or not would be decided by the system.

As the sibling of a child in the care system OP, I'm not sure it would be the same as if you were a birth patent, it might be very different (I think).

It sounds like you have come around in thinking, good luck. Very best wishes for all of you OP*.

@MrsRyanGosling15 Can I just you that I think you are bloody amazing.

No wonder the weight of more responsibility is causing you anxiety. You have gone above and beyond for members of the family (that perhaps were not entitled) and this poor little darling.

I think shared care is the answer here to take a bit of the pressure off you.

I also think you need to seriously make sure you build some extra 'me' time into your life. It's not a selfish thing to do - you are holding an awful lot of things and people together and you need to keep your reserves up.

Bloody amazing OP seriously, you and your DH. In awe. What a fabulous example you set to your 4 DCs.

I too, think you are amazing and that your wee sister is such a lucky little girl. Sometimes we are faced with decisions that literally change our mapped out lives for the better, and I think this will be one of yours. Yes you have concerns, of course you do. No rational sensible adult would be any other way, But even if your belt tightens a little, by the sounds of things money spent on your little sister wont push you into poverty. Discuss with your other sister and see if she will take your sister at weekends, and midterms and some of the school holidays, and see if you can get part time help in the house, a cleaner, someone to spend time with her, while you care for your other kiddos and vice versa. A morning with her on your own, a day with your own kids without her. Seeing your sister thrive will be part of your reward and you already sound amazing and she sounds loved. A bit of one to one care in a normal environment will bring that little girl on in leaps and bounds and your children will benefit hugely also as will she. I think deep down your decision is already made, your just rightfully a bit scared. Best of luck to you and do keep us informed xxxx

Can I just point out that if this child WAS up for adoption, the social worker would be looking for parents with no children, or only much older children, in recognition of the amount of care and attention she will need - and the impact on other children in the family. This is absolutely not about 'having the room' and OP should not feel guilty about considering her options very carefully.

I have two kids, one of whom is adopted, with attachment problems and ?FAS, and I have often wondered whether I have been fair to both children to have them together. That is with a much wider age gap.

A key issue here, though - unless I have misunderstood - is that this isn't a stable situation. This little girl still has a living parent and is not currently in care - is that right, OP? - so this uncertainty may continue for months or years? Clearly, adoption as a resolution has a shelf life, though OP has said it's not an option anyway. But it makes it very hard for OP to ensure her sister has the stability she needs.

A really sad and difficult situation, OP. I second others that you might find it worth popping over to the adoption board.

OP, you've had som wonderful advice and support on here. I think you're done no an amazing job. I just wanted to share a bit of my story. My SIL, who has complex MH issues, got pregnant from a one night stand. Me and OH, mainly me, supported her through pregnancy. SS got involved from early on in the pregnancy, and I supported her through all the meetings and discussions. She wanted to keep the baby. We were prepared to support her in keeping the baby, including having the baby regularly (2-3 nights a week), and when sil was ill. Essentially our home would have been a second home for her. However, SS and the courts decided this wasn't an option and removed the baby from sil. They asked if we would take the baby, but we couldn't, mainly due to the restrictions on her seeing her mother that were totally unworkable unless we moved away. A very complex situation. Anyway, the baby was adopted into a loving home. We only get letterbox contact once a year. It's heartbreaking and I live with a lot of guilt. I think I always will. However, it was absolutely the right decision, both for my niece, who is growing up with a family who adore her, and have the time and money to meet all her needs, and for my own children, who would have loved her as a sibling, but having to deal with their chaotic aunt on a regular basis would be very hard. Also for sil, the trauma of watching her child grow up from afar would have further exacerbated her mh.

But the guilt is overwhelming at times. Even though I did everything I could have done, apart from adopting her, I still feel I let her down. I have a complex set of emotions towards my sil. It's so hard. I hope you have lots of support going forward.

Probably a little previous but have you sat down as a family and discussed this with no judgement? Your dh is not going to be the primary carer, you are therefore, it is not down to him to load on guilt. You have been amazing and massively supportive but need to resolve your history before facing your future....put that disappointment, anger and hurt where it needs to be to move on. Whatever you decide has to be right for you, your children and the lo no matter what everyone else says about blood and water. Shared contact could be disruptive but could work well. The longer this is left, the more damage is being done which may be harder to undo by a future carer. I wish you luck and courage. X

I've read the OP and updates, but not the full thread. I'm not sure whether the child has been placed as part of a formal SS arrangement, or whether her care is decided solely amongst family members.

A formal arrangement with SS should mean that you are a kinship carer. Your LA may well have online details of allowances. Failing that, CAB is a good source of information. In my LA, kinship carers receive a weekly allowance. LAC children get early nursery places, are reviewed annually for education and care plans, and you can ask for informal updates on progress and access to services such as play therapy, training for yourself, family support workers.

There is also a vast amount of online support and professional advice, much more so than even just a few years ago.

Once at school, she may qualify for a free taxi, particularly if she goes to a different school from your own children. There is also wraparound care during term-time, and full-day-care during holidays, free for a limited number of days each week, and you can top this up to suit your circumstances.

I think it might be worthwhile finding out your exact legal position, and consulting with a family lawyer with expertise in this area. They can be very helpful in putting emotions to one side and giving you impartial information.

If you are an informal carer, it's possible you may not receive the allowance but should still have access to all the services.

To echo Tidy If she is placed with you formally by SS she might get the status of a LAC. This would open doors for extra funding at school (higher rate Pupil Premium) and priority for school places. An informal agreement would not get this.

I started reading yesterday and was cross at some of the posters. I am glad there have been some more positive comments.

Someone wrote on another thread today. 'YANBU, you're a funking legend'. Not my words but they fit this thread.

You have to find a way to express your thoughts and feelings because sometimes we need to hear them to be able to work through them. I am glad you didn't run away from those people who said they could never imagine thinking such a thing and that you have had some good advice.

I wish you and your family all the very best as you work your way through this imperfect world the best you can.

If you can afford it, buy in some help who might be able to help with the crunch times of bed and bath and allow you to carve out time with your children and maybe even give your sister some one to one help as well.

Your situation is more than most of us will have to cope with and you will only be your best if you can also put your needs into the picture.

I read a piece from someone about self care and how she became unable to care for her children in the way she expected of herself by over extending herself in her work (emotionally challenging) but knowing that she could only return if she had time to heal. This meant putting the children in front of the TV while she journalled, meditated, exercised, taking up offers of playdates so she could rest, allowing herself to say no to people who came to her for support and asking others to do things for her.

I think you are amazing and you will find a way through this though it is unlikely to be without extremes of feelings, see them, name them, talk about them, examine them but don't shut them in.

I wouldn’t do it. Assuming the concerns about FASD are correct her needs will increase over time, not lessen.

You will do almost all of the caring and the caring load will be huge, irrespective of whether there is financial support. There will be an impact on your DC. It’s not as though at present each child gets 1/4 of your time and will get 1/5 if you look after your Dsis; her needs will be more prominent, more immediate and more pressing and your DC will get what’s left.

I too think your a funking legend op. That is all. All the very best to you

I wish there was a like button for all you lovely people

I think you are naïve and have no clue what the impact of this on your own children will be.

FireCracker2

The very fact the OP has written this thread demonstrates the very opposite of your assertion.

She obviously VERY aware of all the issues - hence her concerns.

You've done your goady post for the day - well done you ....

I don't know what it is with you, Firecracker2, every thread you're on you come up with a goady post. Do you get a weird kick out of upsetting people??

A relative of mine took on her 2 year old relative thinking it's what she had to do and the guilt of saying she couldn't wasn't something she thought she could live with.

Fast forward 7 years and it is quite obvious for all to see that the child would have been better off elsewhere as, as much as she thought she could do it, she really couldn't but she has had him so long now she refuses to see him go elsewhere even if it means a better life for him. It's sad for all parties, her relationship with her own kids is almost nonexistent due to her attitude towards the situation and refusing to admit that the kid needs better help. The child in question has issues which she can't/won't address as she just doesn't have the energy. She is on numerous medications as the whole situation has sucked the life right out of her.

So I would say you really have to weigh up everything and really consider the 'cons' to this as they may well become a reality and then what will happen? It's not as simple as some posters think, just because the little one is only 2 (bless her) it doesn't mean that you shouldn't consider the long term and what effects it will have on you, your relationship and your kids.

Good luck in whatever you choose and I hope the little one will be happy wherever she is.

OP @FireCracker2 Doesn't even make sense. Ignore the crank.

firecrack this is something the OP has clearly considered in what is a complicated and difficult situation which doesn't have a clear right answer.