To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

As for all This ‘go on then you take her on’ talk. It’s so stupid! It’s OP’s relative who she is already a parent figure to not some random stranger. Saying ‘you do it then’ is a really silly argument to make.

Does she have a key worker? I assume SS are involved? Adoption is a long process even if started immediately.
An experienced family either to foster or adopt sounds like the best option with contact from yourself and family if you could do this?
Your decision. Admire your honesty.
What is in the child’s best interest? You have gone through so much and will make the right decision but don’t feel it’s tours alone to make. Talk to SS.

OP you have my hugest admiration and sympathy for this incredibly difficult and complicated situation.

Sorry strawberry, I got on the wrong end of the stick, and was a bit confused😮

This is not a decision to take in lightly, considering this girl might have FAS, op has towrigh up the impact of this, on her, her kids, and possibly providing care for most of their adult life

I have a child as I mentioned, with SN and this is a distinct possibility.

I think you're very brave and a wonderful person for doing so much already.
.I agree though, that if you really don't want to then you shouldn't take her in. But I get the feeling this is more of a vent about how things are going to be so Different, and to get rid of some of your frustrations about being plunged into this situation.

Ok, your sis didn't ask for This, but you didn't either and that's got to be hard for you.

Sorry to sound negative but please don’t take the LO on based on promises of support from SS.
So often this support is only for a short time and is not as promised.
If you can manage everything yourself and any help you get is a bonus then that’s OK but you cannot be dependent on it as whatever they promise you may not materialise.
Also they often pressure people to get an SGO which effectively negates their involvement. A CAO (previously residence order) does not have the same implications.
Our support was, and is, a good GP who referred to services such as speech therapy, a good paediatrician who consulted with GP, amazingly supportive nursery and school who arranged EHCP and 1:1 support quickly and with no problems.
You don’t have to take my word for it though. Speak to other kinship carers on the group I mentioned previously about their experiences.
As others have said I would not rule out adoption. I believe girls under 5 are relatively easy to place.
I do not envy you having to make this decision but you really have to do what you believe is right for everyone.

You may not be the right person to take this child on. If she has fetal alcohol syndrome she will need a lot of care and 1-1 that you would never be able to give her. putting her first may mean letting her go to someone with the time to give her what she needs.

I've just seen bella's posts and I can see why other posters have been outraged, I think that's the reason why there has been a bun fight really, people have mixed up the details. The scenario she's painted is very wrong, if she's absolutely definite that she wouldn't take her SIL's DC in, then she should make that absolutely clear so they can make alternative arrangements.

When we went through the adoption process, we were asked to give the names of 2 guardians who would take them in if the worst happened to DH and me. I asked my DSis and my DH asked his DB. They talked it over with their DPs and then got back to us to confirm that they were willing. But they took time to consider what was best.

No worries aero happens to the best of us

It’s a very complex, heartbreaking situation and I wish the OP well

Financially I think you would be entitled to some money as a kinship carer.

strawberry 😊

What an awful situation to be in There are no easy or right answers.

FWIW, one thing that stands out to me is whether being one of five kids is the best bet for a little dot with possible FAS (and that's leaving out everything else she's had to cope with and will have to cope with). That's something that should be seriously thought about even if you had no other concern. If she is going to need a lot of intervention, attention, appointments, is that something that the family can realistically manage, and likewise if she has high needs into her teens and beyond? Might she be better provided for by an adoptive family assessed and chosen for wanting to and being in a position to meet those needs? You have so many people's needs to consider and balance, it's a hell of a position to be in. Hope very much you have SS advice and support with this.

Just a thought - it’s okay to love this girl as a sibling and not as your child. If she comes to you, you’ll STILL have four DCs of your own, plus a sibling.

You don’t need to feel the same way about her as you do your own kids because you have a totally different relationship.

I can see why this is a very difficult decision and I don’t have perspective on worrying about my mental health. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take her in, I couldn’t continue to be happy with my life and see what my children have without thinking of what this little girl doesn’t have because of my choice. I would however work some fixed agreement with other sister where she had the two year old for a period each month etc as respite. And I would have a very serious conversation with my dh about his role - would he be prepared to voluntarily take wmwrgency leave to help out if I’m at the end of my tether etc, or what else he was going to do.

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take her in, I couldn’t continue to be happy with my life and see what my children have without thinking of what this little girl doesn’t have because of my choice.

The girl could be adopted by a family who love and want her,The Op could be taking away that opportunity from her.
I think with so many other very young children at home, SS would raise question marks over this adoption

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take her in, I couldn’t continue to be happy with my life and see what my children have without thinking of what this little girl doesn’t have because of my choice

Yet more disruption because an already overworked carer has to finally give up 6mths/a year/6 years post placement.
The lack of attention traumatised kids with SN need because she is fighting with four other children, one younger, for attention?
Being deliberately placed into poverty because her carers are not financially able to support her and state support is severely limited?

This is not a romantic fantasy. This is a child with high needs and a prospective carer with her hands more than full already.

Love is not always enough, particularly for adopted/fostered children.

FWIW fire I think SS would bite the OP's arm off if she agreed to take her sister. I doubt they would agree to adoption though. An SGO and bugger off is more likely.

I know alot of people are talking about adoption. That really wouldnt be an option. Im not sure how many people would be lining up to take on a child with FAS.I genuinely don't think I could ever forgive myself if that happened. Or foster care. Also thats not really my choice at the min. Whilst her parent is alive he would never ever willingly hand her over. I think if he lost her that would be it, I honestly think he would just commit sucide. God forgive me I know he is my dad but I sometimes think it would have been alot easier if he would just hand her over at this young age and let us sort it out now. If he died now I imagine it wouldn't have the same effect than if he died when she was say 4 or 5. Btw how do people write in bold??

My adopted DD1 potentially has FAS, along with Attachment Disorder and other damage following a head injury. Adopted parents do adopt children with FAS, when you adopt a child there are a lot of possible disabilities you don't know about at the time of placement.

To bold you need to put an asterisk either side of the text you want to bold - no space between the asterisk and the following/preceding letter.

OP if adoption/fostering isn't the answer for you, then I really do think you need to sit down with your DH and DOlderSis and work out a feasible arrangement.

I really don't see how you alone can provide care not only for your own children, but your nephew and youngerSis with SN's.

It may be your DOS needs to find alternative childcare for her son as well as being prepared to offer you some respite care at weekends on a regular basis for DYS. Her DH's view is hers to deal with. No, you can't force them to have DYS even partially but you don't have to take the full burden of care plus childcare for them as well - a bit of reciprocity is needed here imho.

You need to see if you would qualify for any support from SS - you really need to get a diagnosis so you know what you are up against (I know you are already pressing for this).

In a nutshell I think you need to stop "coping" with everything and explain to your wider family that you absolutely need regular, committed support.

Burning yourself out serves no good to anyone and you really need to let others help support you.

In the meantime I think you are doing a great job(as do many other posters) please at least take away with you all the positive comments for what you are already doing as opposed to just the concern and worry about doing more.

Put asterisks on either side of whatever you want to bold, OP, directly against the first and last character. Bold won't jump over line breaks

like this

so you have to asterisk each block of text individually.

OP, you are not a horrible selfish person. You are doing so much already, with a baby, little ones and an almost teenager, the support you’re giving to your dad and sister and the fact your DH is not there much. It’s all too much.
But I do I think you should put your own children first, you are responsible for them.
So don’t be afraid to say what you’re saying here in real life. You need to be heard. Then the right solution for you all can be discussed. (I’m not taking don’t take your sister in, just think a solution than won’t ruin your mental health needs to be found)

If you know that Adoption or fostering isn’t something you would be happy with, it sounds like you know in your heart what the right thing to do is OP.

I don’t want to minimise any of the problems your Dsis may have but being mute at 2 and a half isn’t necessarily indicative of FAS or other SEN but as I say, you will know her issues.

It sounds like you really care and want to give your sis and your other DC the best, but it may be that you are over-thinking this a bit.

My gut is that this is a 2.5 year old who already has an attachment to you, which it would be damaging to break. Think about what message you would be sending to your other DC if you didn’t step up in some way. Maybe you & your other sister could do some kind of shared care.

The fact that your DH wants to take her too is significant. She is wanted and loved, but you are understandably nervous. I don’t want to do the fahmlee cliche but I do genuinely believe (and I believe the studies bear this out) that kids fare better being looked after by those with a biological link which is why SS are always keen to facilitate/investigate this first & foremost.

I’ve got 5 kids, some of whom were not planned and came at a terrible time for us. Personally, abortion could never be an option for us, and I was in despair about whether we would cope. We had no money, a tiny 2 bed house, DH had lost his job and 4 babies under 5. I seriously considered adoption. It was far from ideal. I had serious anxiety & depression & didn’t think I could do it.

But a few years on, I earn good money & life has turned around. I understood all that went with children & really didn’t think I could cope with the sacrifices and that it would be unfair on the children already born in terms of attention etc.

Actually it’s fine. Hard at times, but fine. The children know they have to make sacrifices as being part of a large(ish) family but genuinely no-one would be without each other.

You could find that it works out fine. Don’t feel bad for being realistic/pragmatic but also be aware not to project adult feelings onto your existing DC. They’ll have to step up and help out, which happens in lots of families, especially bigger ones or where there’s a crisis. I think you sound much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

@MrsRyanGosling15 you have been very honest and brave. Be proud of everything you have done so far. It can't be easy.

Get more counselling, listen to sage advice from those who have been through it and make decisions based on all of this and your own experiences. And don't forget, children are resilient and caring and may well not resent your DSIS - only you know how they may react.

Perhaps look at the adoption board - not because I have an opinion on adoption, but because you will get more qualified advice.

Take care and accept that whatever you do you are likely to feel a degree of guilt, BUT, you are not guilty. It is just an overwhelming situation

You don’t have to take the child in.

However, if you do you could offer her a life and opportunities and are otherwise near impossible.

If I were in your position I wouldn’t be able to turn my back. You’re an adult, she is a silent vulnerable child with absolutely no choice. No one asks to be born. Life isn’t fair and children feel and experience this more than any other group.