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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

To not want to take 2yr old in?

711 replies

MrsRyanGosling15 · 07/01/2018 12:09

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how. Sad

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 16:11

Gemini69 I said it was a possibility. Which is absolutely true ..

and there's also a great possibility she'll be absolutely FINE .. which is also true.....

tolerable · 07/01/2018 16:11

what an awful situation op. with no easy or absolute answers. i dont know how the world works with this type situation.if 2yr old already has issues does she have any sort of care services involved that could discuss support with?would your other sibling be prepared to offer relief duty/allow you to have family time. ??would that still rock her marriage?...also..once you weigh up all possible solutions\outcomes..maybe try picture a year down the line,will it still feel like right choice. ?can you live with it?.... good luck x

Headofthehive55 · 07/01/2018 16:12

By the sounds of it it would ruin several children's lives, there is a limit - for everyone.

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 07/01/2018 16:12

Lovesagain, is that sarcasm? Yes, crack on then.

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 16:13

You can have an open adoption these days, it doesn't have to be a complete break from the birth family like it used to. That might be the ideal way to maintain contact without having the responsibility of looking after her on a day-to-day basis. Or long-term fostering.

amicissimma · 07/01/2018 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flaky · 07/01/2018 16:16

Same here hive. I was naive to think 'one more won't make a difference'. Even though he is amazing, well behaved and dearly loved, I often think how stupid I was! I coped with 1-3 (twins - 1 with SN) fine but 3-4 was just crazy. 4-5 would be unimaginable. Don't know how the OP does it part time with all the background stuff going on.

Lovesagin · 07/01/2018 16:17

I was genuinely wondering why you wouldn't share your expertise before and it's only when it gets a bit uncomfortable for you that you mention you're a fosterer.

Surely you know then about the head/heart thing? Was one of the first things a sw said to me when we nearly went through this. And that I wouldn't be suitable to foster/adopt dn because I was almost allowing my heart to decide.

Mind you I know it's easy to virtue signal when it's sweet fanny all to do with you, so you crack on love. Perhaps you could message op to offer your services? That would be lovely :)

Helpadvicepls · 07/01/2018 16:18

Let her be adopted by parents who will have jumped through hoops to be approved to adopt a child..let her go somewhere she will be cherished.....

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 16:21

It's good that you're thinking it through, OP. What you mustn't do, as others on here have said, is allow your DH to talk you into taking your sister in. Don't agree reluctantly out of duty. That would be the very worst thing you could do.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 16:24

I have a dd who is nearly 11, she has ASD, learning difficulties, developmental delay, it is bloody hard work. I also have a ds nearly 6. With the two of them, we just about cope, op has 4 children to consider. If she takes this girl on, it's a life long responsibility, she might not be able to work a she has to look after her. That is a future I face. The impact on her kids is going to be great. Not a decision to be taken lightly, as some are doing on here.,

Op is already doing a lot for this girl, but I gather that this is shirt term, it's nit something op will be able to sustain for a long period, thus girl needs a stable home, she gas the best chance if she us put into foster care now. The older a child gets, the less adoptible they become. I heard this from a programme about adoption.

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 07/01/2018 16:25

Lovesagain. I have been approved as a foster carer and have fostered over many years, including mums and babies, as well as young children and toddlers. I currently have three with me, one long term with extreme SNs. One of my closest friends has adopted a 2 year old and in close to a break down herself. She is finding it much harder than she thought - she can't 'bond' like she feels she should. So adoption is not a simple 'happy ever after' it has to be worked at too. I'm sorry to hear you weren't suitable to foster. But no need to get aggressive Hmm. Anyway, you crack on with your advice, and I'll back off. Open adoption would perhaps sound like a good plan for OP.

Megs4x3 · 07/01/2018 16:35

Both sides of the argument dont include calling the OP selfish. There are more people to consider than just this child and it sounds as if the OP is going above and beyond already. We all have our limits and I wish everyone considered the issues as meticulously as the OP seems to be doing. I was a foster parent too. Its not correct to say that all children are damaged by the system. Some thrive. Some cause irreparable damage to their foster families. I experienced both. OP - kudos to you for examining all options and seeking advice. Please take no notice of the guilt-trippers. ((((((Hugs)))))) I don't envy your situation, but when you reach a decision as to what to do, don't look back or agonise over it. Remember you made the best possible decision under the circumstances, however it works out in the end.

MinesaLattecino · 07/01/2018 16:35

OP I feel for you hugely.

Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but if provide massive amounts of childcare for your (adult) Dsis, no wonder you feel a bit put upon.

Could you stop doing that or at least rein that right back, build some mental reserves back, and then you have more time and resources if this little girl needs you later down the line?

It's not your job to enable your adult sister to go to work. That's very different on the obligation scale from keeping a vulnerable 2yo out of hte care system in my book.

HannaSolo · 07/01/2018 16:35

@Helpadvicepls the thing is it sounds as if this child is very much loved and cherished by the OP and her DH.

It's obvious from her posts that the OP is doing everything possible to support the parent and her sibling.

This isn't about love, wants or cherishing.

It's about the day to day practicality of the OP being able to effectively look after this child's needs alongside parenting her own children (3 of whom are still very young and demanding in their own right).

Add to that it's still not clear as to the extent of any SN's this child may have and what the long term expectations and implications may be.

It's one thing dealing with a 2 year old but quite another when you think about what life might be like when that child is 10 years old, may be prone to physical outbursts, when you can no longer physically restrain them for their own safety or the safety of other younger children in the household.

Being reticent to commit to full time, long term care under those circumstances isn't selfish or lacking in love.

It's being thoughtful, honest and realistic about the feasibility of being able to do so without ruinously impacting the childhood of her own children and her own mental health, whilst still not being able to offer optimal levels of support to a child likely suffering from FAS.

lizzieoak · 07/01/2018 16:37

Fwiw, my parents took in foster siblings and while I had no problem with it, my older brother really struggled with it and after a year or so they were moved as my brother was causing such a ruckus.

strangerhoes · 07/01/2018 16:39

Focus on your own DC.

JaneEyre70 · 07/01/2018 16:43

I think you've had some great advice OP on here, and I can't really add anything other than you need to allow yourself the time and space to make a decision that either way is going to affect you for the rest of your life. Talk through ALL the options with SS, including open adoptions and seeing if any other relatives are able to help. And get some professional support for yourself too. I have 3 DCs and at times questioned my own sanity for doing so - you already have 4 children and that is no small undertaking Flowers.

LunchBoxPolice · 07/01/2018 16:44

I'd like to think in your situation I would take her in, but deep down I really don't think I could. Yanbu and you are not a horrible person.

Lovesagin · 07/01/2018 16:47

Don't be sorry for me I'm glad the sw told me you can't go into these things with a "make it work" approach and letting emotions rule, because I simply didn't want to take on dps nephew. She was brilliant and obviously knew what it takes to be a great foster carer/adopter and boy did she have a few words for dp, who was a bit like you about it all.

I'm not aggressive i just think your advice is woefully wrong and the opposite of what a sw would say. And I think it's a disgrace that some people are talking about this as if it's just an extra mouth to feed. I've seen dogs who need rehoming treated with more thought.

Babybauble · 07/01/2018 16:51

There is the option of fostering her permanently, if you can manage that. I know someone who's done similar and they get an allowance.

GeorgeTheHamster · 07/01/2018 16:56

Oh OP you are working so hard and I take my hat off to you.

Maybe you and your husband will ultimately feel that you do have to do this.

diddl · 07/01/2018 16:57

It doesn't sound doable to me, Op.

You have three young children who are still very reliant on you, a husband who would rarely be there.

Sounds as if you would need an aupair/nanny at the least.

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 07/01/2018 16:57

Lovesagain, your poor dp Sad if she talked to him, as your talking to me.

GeorgeTheHamster · 07/01/2018 16:59

.... sorry, posted too soon.

But it does strike me that if you were not part of her wider family, you would never be approved to take this little one, with your own difficult history, some health issues now and your own four kids. Surely she would be placed somewhere where she was the only child? And more than likely she would be placed for adoption at her age?

I don't think that is a bad option for her. A family who were desperate for a child, desperate to have her.

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