To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

Indeed Mary, and "what difference is one more" and "you're nearly doing it anyway" (except she's not)

"It's only one more" - only one more mince pie, only another glass of wine, just one more slice of cake, just one more kid.......to be so throwaway about a child's life like that, fuck me that's weird.

I would take her in in a heartbeat
If you would take on a traumatised child with significant, lifelong SNs 'in a heartbeat' then you are exactly the type of person who should NEVER do it.

These kids need careful consideration from prospective carers. They deserve so much more than someone with a rescue complex playing Lady Bountiful. Back off.

Mrs you are right. This is a massive undertaking. Not one you should feel guilted into.
You may be able to negotiate financial support from SS. If they think you are the best placement they should support you.
You can ask for regular, meaningful contact with your DS if she stays in FC. You could ask that she has overnights and holidays with you.

Taking on a child, particularly one with SEND is a huge, huge decision.
I know because I have done it.
I love my (now) DC with all my heart but my life and the life of my other children is forever changed by their presence in this family.

Do what is right for your family. No good can come from a child moving into a family that is not equipped to care for them.

Exactly as @smilingmind said.

The most important thing you can do in this situation is to be completely honest about how you feel. This situation isn't your fault and you haven't let the child down if you don't take her in, ultimately she isn't your responsibility. That isn't intended to be harsh but it is the truth.

Furthermore if you will feel resentful towards the child for your change in circumstances, this will be shown in some way.

You should be in contact with social care about the long term plans for this child. Do not let anyone railroad you into any decision. You are being brave by speaking honestly about how you feel. It's very easy for people to say what they would do when they are not in this situation themselves (& indeed with the difficult history which you appear to have).

This is obviously a difficult situation. If you don't feel you can care for your half-sister, you need to be open and honest with your other sibling/social services. You cannot take the child into your care if you don't feel like you can look after her and treat her as your own child

Mmmm I wondering something.

There is a dementia crisis currently, husband's and wives are being forced into accepting their loved ones discharge home even though they can't cope, even with the paltry support packages put in place. Some husband's and wives say they simply can't cope eventually, so their partner has to go into a home to receive proper care.

Are they abandoning their family?

I swear some of the posters on this thread just think that it would be like taking on a rescue animal. I wonder if the post was about a dog and not a child there would be a hoard of people crying out ‘are you mad?!?! You’re stretched as it is! How irresponsible!!’ Which is how most of the ‘AIBU getting a dog’ threads go.

It’s bizarre.

yellow
I have a normal car and four children.
It is the right thing to do, to seek foster /adoptive care.
Greatest good to the greatest number.
I know four is my limit and one more would see me unable to cope.
You aren't responsible, and not in a position to offer I'd say.
I know several adults that were adopted as babies. None if them are in the least bit interested in finding their real parents. They are happy.

Hardly a 'rescue complex', that's very offensive amateur psychology. The alternatives sounds very bleak for this little girl. I would just think I would care enough to make it work. But the pressures on the OP do sound immense. Perhaps she wrote badly in her OP about how she only likes her own kids and likes holidays and treats. It's since emerged there's more to it. I'm just looking at it from the child's perspective.

I think you shouldn't take her in, not if you'd end up resenting her. It's very hard work looking after a child with Attachment Disorder, I have 2 adopted DDs, DD1 (8) has AD, and she has violent meltdowns, she lashes out regularly and mostly at me or at DD2 (5, her birth sister). I only have 2 girls and I'm constantly exhausted, though I am in my late 40s admittedly.

You already have 4 DC, so it's not going to magically get easier. Your DH might love the idea of keeping this little girl, but he isn't the one who will be looking after her on day in day out.

Sadly, I would advise that if your DSis can't take her in, then she'll have to go into care. At her age, though, she stands a good chance of being adopted, or at least a long-term foster placement.

for you, OP

I admire you for being so realistic , she will obviously always have you in her life as her sister , but that is different to having complete responsibility for such a young child and to the impact that you feel this woud have on your family .

Op clearly gives more of a shit than you tinker because she's considering everything. As a pp said you are exactly the sort of person who wouldn't be allowed to adopt.

It was more than clear what’s going on from the OP tinker infact it was pretty explicit. Perhaps you should go back and read it again.

Pinky you are so right- they do think it's like taking in a stray dog, and if it was they would be telling her it was irresponsible because she wouldn't have the time to give to this dog that it properly needs....

And you can't have a "make it work" approach. That's for baking cakes even though you are shit at it, accidentally making arrangements with two people at the same time, putting a top on backwards and styling it out anyway, not looking after another human being.

Make it work......have a word with yourself.

I have done fostering Lovesagin, and I find your comments extremely offensive. I grew up in the care system. It ruined my life. I don't want the same for that child. That's why I think the OP should hear both sides. Uncomfortable as it is. So much mean mindedness out there.

tinkertailorsoildersailor I hope first thing tomorrow you are going to contact SS and apply to adopt. Maybe a sibling group of 5, one of whom has SN would work for you?

It's not about caring enough to make it work . It is about being realistic about her own situation and limitations and what else is available for the child.

MrsRyanGosling15

You are not selfish, you are doing the right thing in questioning what would happen, who it would affect and how it would effect them.

Nor is your sisters DH being selfish, as he knows about his own medical conditions and how having another with more needs would affect there home.

It is a sad situation and I feel for all those involved.

The OP is DOING both sides now.

I’m shocked that with your ‘experience’ tinker you have made the comments you have.

OP I just wanted to say I’m sorry that some posters on here seem to be trying to make you feel even worse. I can’t even begin to imagine being in your position (like almost everyone else posting) xxx
The scenario of your dsis getting a new mum and Dad of her own whilst retaining her extended family contact does sound the best case scenario in my inexperienced opinion so I would see how close to this can be arranged via social services. Dsis needs more than you can give, the reasoning for which is irrelevent surely. All the best to you all.

x post tinkertailorsoildersailor
To be honest I find it shocking that as someone who has done fostering you seem so blasé about the difficulties the OP might encounter, or so blind to the fact that it might be asking too much of her.

Dont worry I know much more than I'd ever like to know or tell you about SEN. And I am a foster parent right now - have done it for may years. I have seen the effects of children being removed from their geography, family, culture. And I have lived it.
OP should not post if she doesn't want to hear both sides of the argument.

FFS a big house isn't the answer to everything.

IT is about knowing your limits.
I coped easily with three - one more? The wheels nearly came off the cart.
To put a child into a situation which could so easily fail, and have dreadful consequences for several children means it's better to let one be cared fir elsewhere.

'anonymous' adopter. I'm not blase. I've just been on the other side (in the care system).

Fostering really? Gosh why didn't you say in your first post? Would have thought with your experience you would have shared that? chinny have you fostered

So you know what me and others are saying then about this needing to be treated seriously with heads and not hearts ruling - excellent :)