To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

In regards to the diagnosis or lack off one they say its too early to tell. Yet Google fetal alcohol and its like looking at and reading about her! My DH has come up with some physio/ot style work that he does with her to try and help but it's really not his area of expertise at all. He has already shut down the option of being a consultant and has stopped working towards this due to this situation. He had a horrible home life and worked so hard to escape it so I think that's why it's so close to his heart.

Tinker dont you worry, that poor neglected child has been with me from the min her neglectful parents put a drink to their lips. Every toy she own, every piece of clothing, bought by us. Every appointment ever made and hounding people to see her, done by us. Her mother's funeral? Paid for by us. Sending my own children away because the sound of a fetal alcohol babies cries would make your ears bleed, done that too. Got her dad in rehab, yup. Meet with him and a CPN every week. Yup do that too. Do all his washing/cleaning/ironing thats me! Bath her, read to her, teach her to play. Teach her simple things like using a spoon which is so bloody hard for her. Yes that me. So don't worry about that poor neglected child.

Those criticising op, you contact op and offer to look after her then! All very well to say in the comfort of your home and keyboard. But in reality, you would refuse.

Brave of you op to be open about your true feelings. Those posters who have commented that they could not imagine not taking in a child in these circumstances need to get real. If they are so altruistic, well there are plenty of fostering opportunities out there.

I have taken on not one, but two children of the family. The first was by agreement and an order of the court was made accordingly. The second was a "forced" situation upon the mother and we were initially reluctant to make further court applications. In fact, the sw actually rang the Judge to see if he could fit us in for an early application alongside our already ongoing hearings for the first child!

What sort of order would be in place op? We were approved, after months of work, with ss for Special Guardianship. However, we ended up with a residence order for the first (opposition from the father) and an agreement for Special Guardianship for the second. Very messy, distressing, emotional, stressful and very hard financially. We had to remortgage our home to meet the legal costs.

Ten years on, do I have any regrets? Well no, to be honest it has been a privilege but my circumstances were different. My girls were grown up more or less but I still found it incredibly hard. The second boy had issues and initially we suspected fetal alcohol syndrome. He is a beautiful, loving little boy but not without his difficulties.

The main issue for us was the father of the first child, who is a violent offender, who took us back to court continually demanding access, changes to access visits etc. Nightmare. However, this doesn't seem to apply in your case.

So many people believe you can just take on a child but you have to jump through so many hoops. Unless you have been there, you simply do not know.

I honestly think op you are spread too thin already. Any professional worker looking at your family would see a loving, decent family but one that perhaps could not give the required attention to a 2.5 year old. This is not a criticism but the truth.

I am in my fifties now, the boys are in their teens and it is full on.

There can be no criticism of you op. You are already providing care for the child involved and you already feel the weight of your responsibilities laying heavily upon you.

I am sorry I cant offer any answers for you here, but can only tell it from my perspective, but pm me if you feel I can assist you in any way.

Also, it's worth noting, it's not your DH who'll have to do most of the work. It's easy to say "don't let her go into care" but that might mean she's placed with someone better able to cope with her than you or your other sibling.

I wouldn't be suitable to take on my sibling if anything happened to our mother, and I'm glad of it. Haven't seen them in years anyway.

So YANBU. Even if you take her in, if she realises that you don't want her there then she could still end up with attachment issues or whatever problems, and if she finds a nice adoptive home that wants her then she may not.

And I 100% resent the actions of both her parents but I do not resent my ds. She is so lovely and affectionate. She loves coming here. She has her own bedroom and clothes etc. I love her but I love her as a sibling not a mother. I just feel a bit taken for granted in this all. No one has actually stopped to ask me if it's ok. But even saying that makes me feel bad, I shouldn't matter only her and my own dc should.

It sounds like you love her very much. And it’s fine to love her as a sibling. That’s what she is.

Would it be better for his girl if you and your DH were to take her in? Love her like your own DD? Yes. But the best is sometimes just not what someone is ultimately going to end up with.

This is how you feel and taking in a child - especially one with so many issues - isn’t something you should do if you won’t be able to look after her properly (or if it will put you in a situation where you can’t take care of your other children).

So yes. I don’t have any advice. But you definitely don’t sound like a monster. It’s imo very obvious that you want a good solution for everyone.

Good luck and please take care

For goodness sake, these posters bleating about how the OP is selfish because she’s worried about not having holidays anymore and living in a 6 bedroom house- did you completely miss the part about the OP’s mental health and the complexities of the situation?

Op you sound lovely. You are thinking of what's best for everyone else. What about you? What happens when your own children have flown the nest? Will DSis be able to live an independent life as an adult? I know you can't possibly know this at this stage but what I'm really getting at it how easy it is to see a cute little toddler and think you could take her on but you also have to think long term. For what it's worth, I think you have already done a fab job and you should have faith that you will make the right choice for you all. X

You sound like a wonderful sister, who gives everything she can to the little tot.

You should feel the exact opposite of guilty.
I can't offer advice, but I hope you can glean some sympathy, empathy and understanding from this thread.
Feel proud of all that you do for her. And feel proud at how you're bringing up your own 4 while you have such a far from easy extended family situation.

Mrs, I'd get this thread pulled and go to the adoption board. You won't get all the hand-wringing virtue signallers there.

Do not take on a child you are all going to grow to resent.That is no good to anyone, especially the child herself.

OP.

I think you need to sit down with extended family and SS and go through the options and think what would work, and what would actually be in the best interests of the child.

• Living with you. There is a blood link, but you are sounding overstretched, and you have unresolved issues around your own parenting
• Living with your sister. There is a blood link but you say it would end her marriage.
• 'Sharing' her between you and your sister. It might help you both to cope but the stability would be lacking.
• Letting the sibling go in to care. At that age the likely outcome would I think be adoption. To a family who want her, and have time (maybe as only child in the family). Who know and accept her background and medical history and likely ongoing issues. yes adopted children often have issues, but that is mainly due to their early life experiences not due to being adopted. So any 'issues' the child has she will likely have if she stays within the family almost as much as if she is adopted.

So then the question is
a) could you cope anyway
b) if you could cope, would it be better for the child (and your children) for her to be with your family (blood relatives, but with siblings sharing attention and possibly at times resenting), or adopted outside the family (no blood link, probably an interim move to FC first, but then a family prepared for whom the little one will be #1 priority).

You could also ask SS re likelihood of direct or indirect contact if child was adopted.

A child with FAS is a big ask. Go to the adoption boards, there are adoptive parents there who have adopted FAS children.

My cousin didn't take her baby half brother in after his parents died he ended up in care, it wasn't good

What an awful situation to find yourself in, nothing but sympathy for the stress and worry this has caused you and your family. By making sure the child in question is safe, loved and looked after either by yourself or someone else you are never going to have to explain anything to her other than you did what was best for her. Until faced with that situation none of us know how we’d react or feel able to do. Sounds like you deserve a rest from it all you must be utterly physically and emotionally exhausted.

It sounds like to all intents and purposes she already lives with you to a large degree. What would be different?

Gemini69 I said it was a possibility. Which is absolutely true ...

OP, you mentioned that when your half-sister is with you, she takes up the majority of your attention. I see you have a 6 month old baby, a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old who need you, as well as a 12 yr old. It’s astonishing that you manage to look after your toddler half-sis as much as you already do, given you already have to attend to three other very young children. I really cannot understand how anyone could criticise you for not wanting to give even less of yourself to your other children than you are currently having to do when you are caring for your half-sis. You’re not being selfish at all. How can it be selfish for you to want to do what is right for ALL of the children who will be affected by this decision, and not just one of them? I really do feel for you.

Even if the child doesn't have FAS, and even if she isn't officially diagnosed if the mother drank during pregnancy there will still be some effects, she will still have massive issues growing up from neglect during babyhood such that the OP had to involve SS, her parents alcoholism and her mother's suicide. With the best will in the world, would the OP be able to deal with that whilst trying to negate the fallout to her own 4 DC who should be her first priority?

SS might say they can offer funding and respite but anyone who has dealt with stuff like this, knows that there is no guarantee this will materialise and it can be taken away!

If blood is thicker than water, why did the little girl's parents not get themselves together for her so she wasn't left in this situation.

Take no heed of that sentimental crap trap OP.

The child needs to be in a family where she is an only child to endure she has all the time and energy she will need devoted to her. You can't provide that, end of.

Just as an aside, your mother's family accuse you of being responsible for her death but still dump her child on you? There are no words .

Quite chilling how blase people can be towards someone who doesn't want to take on the biggest responsibility anyone could ever take on, for all the right reasons.

Probably the same people who guilt trip women who have abortions.

OP you are in an extremely difficult place and sound like you are really doing everything you could be expected to be doing and more. If you are going to continue supporting your dsis then make sure social care support you properly, don't let them assume that because you are capable and have financial resources you don't need support. Work out what support you need from social care and if need be refuse to support dsis until this is in place. Those that shout loudest get the best support, I say this as someone who has worked in children's social care. Feeling conflicted is a really normal human response and the challenges your dsis will bring shouldn't be underestimated.

Funny isn’t it. If you couldn’t have kids someone would be telling you to ‘just adopt’
If you can’t deal with it, there WILL be a lovely family waitin for her. People are adopting sibling groups with extra needs as they want a family so.
One little girl could be sooooo wanted
I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. You shouldn’t be forced 💐

This is a horrible situation. What is likelihood of the remaining stepping in or even the mothers family?

I think sadly that as you have four young child adding a fifth with issues could cause issues with the four you already have.

It’s all very well your dh loving her like his own but the burden of care falls to you.

You’re not a monster. I think for a lot of people this would be a big ask. Especially with her complex issues.

What does your half sister need? A loving home with people who are able to give her a lot of attention to care for her needs. Can you offer that without your other children suffering?

Your father and his partner have a lot to answer for. Selfish bastards.

I love how some people think a spare bedroom is all it takes...

Have all those having a go at the OP read the full thread? Have they seen that she has 1 child just about to hit teenage years, and THREE children under 4 including a baby? Plus she does 7am onwards childcare for her sisters child.

Plus eveything for her father it seems and that includes already looking after her half-sister for almost half the week.

I don't think many of us in those circumstances would take on another child with SN. And those of you insistent that you would - well, how about you contact the local foster agencies then?

OP - I could not cope with this workload. I would not do it to my children to take on a SN child full time, but you could look at being a respite carer for her long-term adoptive/foster carers.

I know we are named as to have nieces and nephews should it come to it, but I would not be capable of doing so.