Anyone adopted after recurrent pregnancy loss?

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

Hi all,

I've name changed but am a bit of a newbie on here and have mainly been lurking.

Just wondering how those of you who adopted knew it was the right time to apply to adopt after recurrent pregnancy loss.

We had pretty much agreed that adoption was our route to becoming a family (I know it's not necessarily a 'cure' or a magic wand to fix the pain of our losses) when we were offered a different treatment to try to help me sustain a pregnancy. We decided to go ahead despite not expecting it to work so that we knew we'd tried every avenue available. Sadly my most recent pregnancy failed despite the treatment. Obviously we have to wait to start the application to adopt and in the meantime we're going to do the practical things to prepare as well as try to process the end of the ttc chapter of our lives.

Just wondered if there's any advice others can give or ideas on how to prepare and evidence that we have closed the door on ttc to social care.

Thanks in advance

Sorry, it was another poster who hadn't shut the door, I misread and have just read again and realised that you wanted to adopt! I do apologise.

No worries, and thanks for taking the time to apologise... there's no harm in asking! You never know! Yep, read it starts with the egg, eat yourself pregnant, Lesley Regan's book and all the usual suspects. Explored every test going, applied and been tested for clinical trials, 3 NK cells biopsies, had hsgs, hysteroscopies, injected myself with hormones, blood thinners, stuck countless hormone supplements up my bum, taken steroids...I've pretty much exhausted all the options! Only things I haven't tried are intralipids and hydroxychloraquine. I suspect these are where the clinic are going to head next.

There is a lot of promising new research coming from profs Brosen and Quenby and I suspect the Tommy's research centres will also be really helpful for findings to benefit others in the future and I'm proud to have been able to contribute to some of the research but tbh I'm done!

Reading that back sounds a little snarky...I didn't mean it to at all!

Also meant to say 'thank you for taking the time to message me, no need to apologise!!' not thank you for taking the time to apologise 😳

Oh this has all gone horribly wrong...we crossed posts as well 😂

Absolutely no worries at all...any suggestions are very helpful for other people who may be lurking (I've lurked fir about a year... part of the transition I think from ttc to adoption actually became apparent when I realised I identified with people and was drawn far more on this board to the ones relating to mc) There's always something new too look into. Might be useful for the other poster who is still not sure too

Your reply wasn't snarky at all! I am not surprised you have had enough!

Best of luck with your future family!

Thank you, feeling very excited about having some new goals to work towards x

My parents had 8 miscarriages & 1 stillbirth back in the 70's with my mum on permanent bed rest for most of her pregnancies. They applied to become adoptive parents as they just knew that it wasn't going to happen any other way for them. They did everything & anything medically wise ... even had skin grafts on each other's arms to try & prevent miscarriage. Anyway, they sailed through the adoption process. One Friday evening in 1977 they got a call at 6.20pm & were told to pick me up on Sunday at midday. They had nothing. No baby clothes, formula, baby equipment .... nothing. After a Saturday dash to every sibling/friend they had, borrowing everything they needed, they collected me & 40 years later , they are still the greatest parents I could ever have wished for .

I suppose what I'm trying to say ... in a very long winded way ... is that only you & your partner can decide when to adopt. You'll just know. The road will not always be sunshine & rainbows, it will be damn hard at times. But I am a firm believer that every child will find the parents that they need & deserve

I wish you the very best of luck, love & happiness on whatever path you take. Adoption is the greatest gift you can give a child, and any person who considers adopting is a hero in my eyes

That's so lovely to hear, it made me well up. When I read it out to my DH we both agreed it gave us more evidence that we're making the right choice.

I'm so happy to hear you have such wonderful parents xx

OP I haven't found my recurrent miscarriage clinic hugely helpful to be honest. MC number 3 was due to a chromosomal problem and we were told it shouldn't happen again, off you go, keep trying and fingers crossed for next time. I understand why that was said based on the results but it didn't feel that supportive. I'm waiting for my appointment to go back to come through at the moment. I'm planning on asking for a referral to the counselling service at the fertility centre but fear I'll get a similar response to you.

I know what you mean about being increasingly more drawn to the adoption boards rather than the miscarriage ones. I find I'm thinking about adoption much more than I am about having my own child these days.

I find it reassuring to hear from others who have been through this and come out the other side, so to say. It gives a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

oh I'm sorry you don't have much support from your clinic. Mine are fab so I feel very lucky in that respect. Im sure you've explored lots of options but just to double check have you considered self referring to the implantation clinic at Coventry? It's £500 so not cheap but they're fantastic and I've had lots of follow up at no extra cost. You're entitled to be seen at any clinic in the country so you don't have to stick with yours if you're unhappy. There are also the new Tommy's research clinics which you can ask your GP to refer you to or there are individual clinical trials on the website which you can call and ask to be considered for.

An adopted child would very much be your own child, they will have arrived in a different way but you would be doing all the nurture and day to day care for them that parents. In my eyes that makes them your own child.

It's such a hard decision to stop ttc after recurrent loss when you CAN get pregnant, there's often that 'one more try' thought. I'm sure it's similar with fertility treatment but the actual process of ttc feels much easier and more accessible so it has a different kind of cruelty attached to it. I don't think either are better or worse, just different and horribly unfair. The thing I've realised is that this time the 'just one more try' thought has all but vanished, when I actually pay a bit of attention to the thought and explore it I then shudder at the idea of another bfp!

I have thought about possibly attending other clinics. Unfortunately I live in the North East so none are that close which makes it tricky with work and getting there. I have a uterine septum and at the moment I feel like I'm very fixed on that being a problem and that whilst that is still there I'd feel unsure about trying other options. I have a GP appointment on Friday and the plan is to go back on the pill to take a few months off and re-evaluate. I'm also going to ask for a second opinion from a consultant that has been recommended to me by a friend. Hopefully we'll be able to get referred through the NHS but will pay to see him privately if necessary. Then we shall see.

Yes, I'm in the north and all the 'big name' specialists are in the south or midlands which is a pain. Luckily my work are incredibly patient and understanding.

I hope that your surgery goes smoothly and that it's the answer for you. Please feel free to PM me if you want to

bump

Hi guys I hope you don't mind me joining - one of you mentioned this in another thread.

Whilst I haven't had multiple losses I suffered a missed MC after our first ivf cycle. Since then had one FET and it hasn't worked.

I feel like it has been a tough journey and we are now considering if more ivf is for us or if we should go down the adoption route. Ultimately us having a family is the most important thing we just need to ensure we are as sure as we can be about the decision. Attended LA open day a few weeks ago and I think it managed expectations we just now need to somehow make that decision

I am sad that potentially I will never carry a baby but at the same time feel like we have put our lives on hold a little

Been trying to reply since you posted but the website's not playing ball!

Phew! It worked!

I've found the decision has kind of been creeping up on us for a long time. It just seemed to naturally transition from the assumption we would have birth children to adopted children, even before our last shot at ttc. It's hard to really truly know when you're ready to change plans...hence me starting this thread. I've trusted my gut instinct a lot in this...when our miscarriage clinic used to tell us we have a good chance of having a successful pregnancy if we keep trying I used to feel full of hope and optimism. They still said it at our last appointment after our last mc and I felt very little other than a 'well, that's nice for people who want to keep trying' and a bit of an 'urgh' and a shudder at the thought of being pregnant again!

We also noticed a change in how we talked about our future family over the last year e.g. DH would point out a DIY job and say 'we need to get that done before we apply to adopt'

Something that I've also noticed is how much more shared the plan to adopt is. With ttc and RPL I would be doing the lions share of the 'work' whereas now it feels much more equal.

If you feel you have the emotional strength and financial resources then it sounds as though you'd be wise to exhaust your options with IVF just so you know you've done all you can. If you dont, that's fine too.

I actually think we are the same - we have started talking about adoption like it's natural to us which seems to be quite a sudden change. My OH is so keen on adoption.

We have an appointment with the NHS in July to see if they will treat us and timings (we went private for other two cycles) and I think from there we will make an ultimate decision x

How is everybody? X

We were in this position and we set ourselves a deadline - if by X date we are not well on our way to being parents after RPL, we will begin the adoption route. We had tried to begin it before but had an unexpected pregnancy (we thought we also had unexplained infertility but it turned out no it was just a bit below par, and the the RPL was the bigger problem).

Before that deadline, we could not contemplate the thought of going through another pregnancy so took steps to prevent one and forged ahead with the adoption process.

We never did IVF even when we were struggling to conceive.

Hi drspouse, yes we did similar, we'd said two more pregnancies or the end of this year but after one more pregnancy, like you I now have no desire to ever be pregnant again. The thought fills me with complete dread. Have you adopted now or are you still in the assessment process?

Hi User1497036202, I'm good thanks, although we're headed back home after a much needed holiday so not relishing the thought of going back to work tomorrow! How about you?

Xx

I am good thanks - we go on holiday tomorrow so actually can't wait! Had an incident at the weekend though where we were at a wedding and the bride came over and said congrats on the baby news- I nearly cried on the spot. Have no idea where she got that from or if her hubby had chatted about the miscarriage and where she was tipsy she forgot - but was a horrible moment - even my husband looked crushed.

We are going to do a lot if talking in the holiday and try and figure out our next steps - I think both of us are so apprehensive about it all now. I just don't know if another round of ivf is the solution x

We have two DCs now, aged 5 and 3.

Hi User, ooooh, I'm so jealous of your hols, I didn't want to leave ours this morning!

Oh gosh that must've been awful at the wedding. I remember my sister's friend drunkenly saying she'd hoped to see me with a big bump by now at a do...think she's was trying to be kind but I felt crushed like you deserved (didn't help id got a bfp the day before she was super anxious!)

Hopefully the holiday will give you that space to talk and think things through. We kind of planned the opposite. DH had asked if we could just try and enjoy it and not think too much about the future/adoption but it naturally came up a lot and away from the daily grind it really gave us the opportunity to talk and think things through. We're both feeling really excited and optimistic about going to an adoption open evening next week.

That's lovely news Drspouse, I love hearing about people who have their children now after RPL or fertility issues as it fills me full of hope

*described not deserved...DYAC!