Adopting a child who has the same name as my other child...

[ElliotTheCat]

We have a son named Aidan. We are going through the process of adopting a little boy named Ayden.

We have spoken to a few people about it, asking if he could be Hayden (I know it's still similar, but at least it's different) but they said no, which is fair enough. He has no middle name. I'm thinking of using the NN Denny? Hoping he doesn't mind? I don't know how he'll feel about it. He's primary school age (won't give the exact)...

I've spoken to my son about potentially being Dan, but he's having none of it. He's 11... He is going to secondary school next year, so it would have been a perfect time for him to be known by a different name. However, I appreciate his wishes need to be taken seriously too.

I have no idea how this is going to work...

That would be enough for me to pass on the match. On one level it's daft for a name to be such a big deal, but there are a lot of future issues and I'm not sure it's fair on your birth son.

I'm amazed the SWs have matched you, what do they think will happen? I think if it does go ahead you really need to speak discuss with the child. Ultimately, once adopted, you can change to what you want, but it must be right for him.

To be honest I am amazed the SW even approached you about the lad.
I can't see how you can make it work.

He really would be a perfect fit, by the looks of things (so far) but it's just the name goodness, I didn't realise we wasn't supposed to be matched because of it!

Call new son Denny?

Using Denny is a good compromise. Is it the sw' s who are saying no to a name change?? It seems unreasonable to discuss options. I guess if he is 4+, it would be very tough for him to lose his name but they need to consider the options with you or he will be constantly explaining why his name and brothers name are the same.

Yeah, that was my plan... Not sure if that's a suggestion and you missed it in the OP, or if you don't know why I would! Sorry!

Yeah, he's over 4, but not by much.

They said it would be unfair, as that's going to cause even more stress... Which I do understand.

I was shown several profiles with kids with mis-spellings of my birth son's name/very similar names. I only looked at them on the proviso I could change the name (all were very young). None of the links went any further. I don't know if that's why.

Is the age gap large enough between him and your older ds not to be at the same school? Just perhaps you could manage two the same if their friends are completely separate groups. Is he young enough to be able to adapt to a new name? (Social services wont approve but sometimes common sense overrides best practice.)

Would you be able to get round it by keeping his official on-paper name as Ayden but quickly finding him a family 'known as' name or nickname that he can be? I know many people whose name on their birth certificate bears no resemblance at all to the name their friends and family call them including a family where every male has the same name. They just use different variations.

They wouldn't ever share the same school, so that could help!

But the social worker MUST have some advice to give, surely?

I don't know why I said that. A triumph of hope over experience.

Are you allowed to give him a middle name and use it in combination with his first name? So you would called him Ayden-James for example.

Aidie?

You can't change a child's name. That's not fair. Having 2 boys with the same name wouldn't bother me. We have a family member who has a dd and a step dd with the same name and they manage just fine. Tbh I call ell my kids each other's names anyway lol. They could be big Aidan and little ayden when referring to them and you could easily just call them by their names to their faces as they would know you were taking to them. Not a reason to be put off imo

Yes sorry didn't read your post properly! I'm sure if you call him Denny from the start it'll just become his name.

I'm normally all for a name change but he's not a baby and it seems wrong for him to lose everything including his name - even for a nickname.

You say your ds won't entertain a nickname. I don't think your new as should then have to. I think that's setting up the bc with predominance in the household - his name is precious, he gets a say, new as bears the brunt.

I don't see how it's workable really. A lifetime of questions and having to explain. What does your sw say?

Hmm. I know a blended family where the kids have very similar names - think Jack and Jake - and they have done fine. You only need to do something so they can be usefully distinguished in everyday conversation - kind of like Big A and Little A - you don't need to actually change a name.

But his name isn't Denny. I don't think it's that simple at all.

Sorry - that was in reply to mycraneisfixed

You can change a child's name if you decide it is for the best. You decide if it would be for the best to have the same name as your sibling, my bet is no it would not be good.

If the match was perfect I'd go for it and chance the name. He could keep the name legally but be called a nickname at school and at home, or change and make birth name his middle name. My son suggested being called the same name as my husband when he first came to live with us.

There are loads of threads on here about name changes.

The old thinking has been do not change etc etc, but with current social media it seems more and more sensible not to feel one must always keep the name.

It's not the same as step siblings. Not everyone wants people to know that their child is adopted/not every child who is adopted wants the world to know. Having the almost exact name as sibling is a bit of a give away.

PS I do hope these names are not the real ones, if so it is way too much information to give away on a public forum.

I think they are the real names Italian.

Things you can't do:

1. Force your bs to change his name, or adopt a nickname he doesn't want.
2. Force your new son to change his name, or adopt a nickname he doesn't want.

I suspect you won't go in with an ideal solution - this is about both boys feeling comfortable with and owning the resolution. You absolutely can't tell a 4 year old, "welcome to your new family. Btw, your name is now Denny". So it can only be about helping new nicknames to quickly evolve, in a way that includes both boys in the problem-solving.

Or turning your back on the match.

Changing a one year old's name is one thing. This child is older than 4.

If my dd moved on with a new family and they changed her name it would add massively to her sense of disorientation and bewilderment. I can imagine her constantly correcting people. Just thinking about it is really distressing Please don't try to change his name.

It's not that a birth child takes precedent, it's usually that an older child has lived with a name longer and also, at adoption, some children do change their name (despite what social workers would have us believe).

I really do not think changing your birth son's name would help with him accepting the new sibling.

Plus being refereed to as 'big' or 'little' is unlikely to be a good solution. What happens if little grows to 6 foot and big is only 5'5!

A loving and kind family is way more important than a name. You rightly don't say how old he is but if he is older primary there are not quite so many adopters around for these children so assuming someone else will adopt him, when you actually want to adopt him, seems to not necessarily take the facts into account.

Thinking about it, as they are at different schools it may not matter too much to keep the name and as time go on my bet is one or both will end up with a nick name they love because being called almost the same name as your sibling would be potentially difficult. But NOT as difficult as missing out on the right child for you because of their name, and even worse for the child missing out on a good match to a good family because of their name.

If you talk to social workers be prepared for them to be very anti-name change.

What is security like, are there any issues that could also warrant a name change?