Adopting a child who has the same name as my other child...

[ElliotTheCat]

We have a son named Aidan. We are going through the process of adopting a little boy named Ayden.

We have spoken to a few people about it, asking if he could be Hayden (I know it's still similar, but at least it's different) but they said no, which is fair enough. He has no middle name. I'm thinking of using the NN Denny? Hoping he doesn't mind? I don't know how he'll feel about it. He's primary school age (won't give the exact)...

I've spoken to my son about potentially being Dan, but he's having none of it. He's 11... He is going to secondary school next year, so it would have been a perfect time for him to be known by a different name. However, I appreciate his wishes need to be taken seriously too.

I have no idea how this is going to work...

Spookyracheltalks a lot of sense, usual.

Narnia* you may feel that way, others may not. Please do not assume losing ones name is necessarily better for a child than loosing a good match. You may find the former distressing, I find the later distressing. But ultimately the OP must decide.

My son could say and spell his name when he came to us at almost 4. If we had felt it was in his best interests we would have changed his name. That is what parenting is about, isn't it, doing what is best for the child. But only once one has decided to adopt them. I find the idea of turning down a match purely on name rather distressing.

Sorry, I meant Please do not assume losing ones name is necessarily worse for a child than loosing a good match.

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful.

Don't worry, these are not the exact names, I've just chosen them to fit exactly the style the real names are, so the idea of potential NNs, alternative spelling, etc.

We read details of a boy with a very similar name to our birth dd, think Penny and Benny, but more so! At fist it did put us off but then we just thought that they would have very similar names. That match did not go anywhere though, but not because of the name.

Elliot I would not want to tell a child they had to change their name unless there was a real security risk. But I think nick names do emerge. My dd has many but our adopted son has resisted them! I am sad for him that when he is older to go on Facebook with his real first name could mean he will be contacted by birth family. I do think name changing will need to be re-thought with the social media situation we have now. But we have kept our son's name and hope for the best.

Actually, after reading all the info in his name, he just was himself and changing his name became less and less of a thought. But we did add a family name to his name as we did for dd too.

Good luck.

Please do not assume losing ones name is necessarilyworsefor a child than loosing a good match

Ummm, I haven't! I've said what spookyrachel has - that you can't force a new name or nickname on your new as. And I do think a child losing everything including their name is distressing yes. My dd gets worried if people slightly misspell her name - it's not something we should be cavalier about.

Actually reading about the blended families here makes me think it is a bit more doable. Still a shame in that you won't be able to keep the adoption v private though op.

It isn't a good match if it's conditional on a name change for a child of four.

My name was changed at age six, to think I may not have lost my parents due to it is heartbreaking.

Sorry, Narnia, if I have misinterpreted you. You said "I don't see how it's workable really. A lifetime of questions and having to explain." That suggested to me that you were saying the match would not work. Sorry, if I assumed too much.

I totally get you are thinking of your little one when you answer (or rather I know this because you have mentioned them) and I am thinking of my little one.

My logic was that if people were saying this would not work because of the names, then that appears to elevate keeping one's birth name above being well matched. To me a name is not more important then a good match.

Although greenandblackssurvivalkit says "It isn't a good match if it's conditional on a name change for a child of four." I disagree.

I think elevating a name in this way isn't helpful for a child long term. But I also agree with an older child you would need to work together and I would only have attempted to do a name change for our son if it had really felt necessary.

Our son has quite a distinct name and we considered a name change. We considered it as we were not sure about security. We had some fairy conclusive evidence that there really were no security issues and we decided to keep our son's name. It would have felt very strange to change it, and it is not ideal, I did not consider it lightly and would have taken no joy in it, unlike naming our birth daughter where it was just a joyful exercise.

But as a parent we do things for our children, if we can see this will be better for them.

I guess I feel passionately about this because I really do not like or agree with the idea that adopted children have lost everything because of adoption.

The idea we could have lost him and most of all he could have lost us because of his name makes me feel very sad.

Some people are currently waiting a very long time for a match, and I expect some older children are waiting a long time too. My sympathy is with both but for older children the issue is they may not get a match and may grow up 'in care'.

Only the OP can decide what she feels is best for her existing family and for this new child. But I am trying to explain that from my perspective it is not as cut and dried as 'always' keep their name.

No one would ever say that an adopted child should be forced to keep their birth surname. We all acknowledge that adoption means change for all and especially for the child. We do ask kids what they think but my almost four year old really did not want to keep his middle name and social workers convinced us to keep it despite ds's clear dislike. Now, I am glad we did, and as nothing was 'riding' on it, it was a bit of a no-brainer. I had to chose what ds did not want, to keep social workers happy and in the long run to do what was best for ds.

Re "My dd gets worried if people slightly misspell her name - it's not something we should be cavalier about." I'm not suggesting anyone be cavalier I am saying that maybe the name of a child is not as important to all children. You clearly know your own child but none of us, not even the OP, really knows this child.

Children who are adopted lose the close relationship with all the people in their lives, this is of course a massive thing (although realistically many have already lost birth parents significantly through being fostered so not specifically through adoption. It would be the same if they were never adopted although they would retain contact perhaps in a contact centre.

The name thing is not really relevant, name change or not the child won't be going back to birth parents so the real decision is best every match for the child.

Also, children who are adopted do not lose everything and I find that idea unhelpful, IMHO. They retain themselves, their skills, their experiences, their sense of humour, their fears, their facial expressions, their hair and eye colour and a whole lot more. They can also (in some cases) retain some degree of relationship with foster parents (we have, although I know this is not common) and now ds is not too worried about seeing former foster carer, but he knows he can talk to her and see her if he wishes to, he has not lost all of his former life but it is massively changed.

AndNowItsSeven re "My name was changed at age six, to think I may not have lost my parents due to it is heartbreaking."

Hi Seven, I think you have a lot to contribute for the OP, and that is great.

Personally, I am a bit confused by your post. It's not clear to me whether you are talking about your birth or adopted parents and whether you are glad your name was changed or not. Very sorry if I am being very thick and of course it is not really relevant for me to know since you are posting for the OP and not for me!!

Hi Italian - thanks for the pm :) - I'm not sure it's music teepee ting so much as reading a bit too much into it. I was musing really.

I do think there are a couple of responses here which suggest that a name change is no big deal and I just wanted to say that for some (most?) children actually it would be.

I think it's more of a figure of speech to say that a child loses 'everything' by being adopted but clearly they lose a huge incredible amount. I don't think anyone here underestimates that but I know others outside the adoption community do so that's what I meant there.

Hope that makes sense?

'Music teepee ting'?

Misinterpreting

Sorry Italian I wasn't clear. I meant my adoptive parents changed my name when they adopted me at age six.
It makes me sad to think that my name change being appropriate could have prevented my adoption.

Narnia everything makes sense - except the old 'Music teepee ting'!

Thanks Seven that is what I thought and hoped you meant but I was not sure.

Narnia yes, clearly who one is speaking to makes a difference. I would be at pains to emphasize how much children lose through being in the care system/adopted to those outside adoption circles. But I guess I see in Cassius (not his real name) so much which I think we have not put in, so much which is just him, his humour, he is hilarious!

I know a family this happened to . Except that the dad was Aiden too .

The match went ahead and they changed the younger child's name to something that sounded similar eg Alan.

He was a pre schooler so a bit easier I think as he could not read / spell .

What SS think is pretty much irrelevant as once you have an adoption order he will be your child not theirs. What the child himself thinks is crucial .

We had the same problem. Fortunately our child we adopted had a middle name so we use that. My advice would be do not tell sw you are going to change the name (if you do). We went to hell and back for being honest after it even being initially agreed. They wanted birth child to be "big andy" other child to be "little andy" 😑

Italian I just noticed a " not" in my first post, that wasn't meant to be there

The trouble with all this big and little stuff is that what if one child is chubby. I am not sure I would want to be called BIG Italian!

If you do, OP, with the child's agreement, change a name, I'd definietly second what Marmalade says and not tell social workers. They get to get themselves tied up in knots and whatever happen with our children they will not be around when that happens. So whatever they think or feel on the topic when things are happening down the line, they just will not be there.

Also, if you do change, I would got for something that starts with the same letter. Maybe it is just me (feel free to tell me if it is) but Benny and Penny, despite being almost identical, just one letter different, do sound different. They are five letter words with one letter different. Where as I know kids with four letter names, where half the letters are different but because the first one is the same I am always getting the names (not the children) mixed up.

So to keep Ayden, or whatever the child is called, feeling like this is their name, their name could start with the same letter it always has. It could be Aaron or Adam and sound more like the child because the initial letter is the same.

Or is that just me being a dyslexic (I am) and getting fixated (I do)!! (from petite and tiny Italian)

I had to share a name albeit not through adoption and I hated it. I have no idea how a four year old who is joining his family will feel. It is a big loss of identity. I even had to do the change it for school sake. Hate it till today. The little and big thing ended up only affecting me (being little and the other person keeping their name even though they joined later). I am me. My name. No add one or changes.

I would think long and hard about this but hopefully whatever you choose is the best for everyone.

Also how does your son feel about a little brother with the same name? It is complicated isn't it? You will have a little boy and I'm sure having a family is important. I don't know how much a name change will affect him though.

This is such a tricky one. As I said ours was agreed by sw then we went to panel and they would not support it. Despite it being agreed by head of service.
I don't know your answer I'm afraid. They even asked for the older child to change their name!!!!! It just sticks out like a sore thumb having 2 children with the same name it's not the done thing. But you can't tell sw that. They know everything.
Our match was perfect in every other way. Our lo would have been in care for many more months if we had walked away because of the name thing. To me that would have been worse. Far worse.

I agree Marmalade, far worse.

Babbage can aibask of your name thing was adoption or step parent related? The normal pattern in adoption is the child joining s younger. I think it does make it easier that way. The adopted child changes their surname too and address etc etc so in some ways they do kind of bear the brunt of change. In one sense it doesn't't seem 'fair' on another sense it is part of the 'package'.

I come from a culture where it's very common for sons to be called after their father. Often people use different forms of the name eg dad Jim and son Jamie .

No one thinks this is odd. But NEVER two sons called the same name . If you don't change the names, your family will never have any privacy again. You will have to tell EVERYONE that one of your sons is adopted. Even when they are 44 and 50 they will still be explaining to people ( When the SW who thought it was a good idea will be long dead ) .

To me that's simply wrong and a terrible burden for your whole family . My kids would really really HATE that , they want their privacy and the right to be normal .

Changing the name of a 3yo ( Aiden to Adam or Alan ) or calling him Aiden John and then dropping the Aiden or calling him AJ is the lesser of the two evils IMHO.

Don't discuss with SW and on the adoption order put both names . So Adam Aiden Jones ( if you are calling him Adam ) or Aiden John Jones if he's AJ or James .

Either way , you are not removing his first name and it gives him to option to use it if he wants to when he's older.

Then you can use A.John Jones or Adam A Jones on all official documents . This is perfectly normal, I know lots of people ( non adopted ) who use their middle name.

They most important thing is how this LO feels about it. The next most important thing is how your older son feels about it .

They are the ones who will have to deal with this for the next 80 years . Not you, not Aidens birth mum , and not the SW.

I've been mulling this one overnight, as it's something that DH and I discussed quite a bit during our home study, as in addition to having a son with a common name, we have a last name that can also be a first name. What would we have done if we had found the perfect match, except he would have ended up being called "Mackenzie Mackenzie" (for example)?

Fortunately we didn't have to cross that bridge in the end.

Kristina has got the answer, I think, about how to manage this - without telling us the real names, do you think that this might work for your DS and potential DS?