Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

OhNo

Yes unfortunately I do fear that the latest development may be repeated back to his ex. It's something that would effect her a lot knowing about but it's not my business to tell her about it. If it just effected me then I would have no issue posting it on here but I can't risk it for her sake.

I know you stated it wouldn't come from you etc but just in case one day someone else recognised all this or the lady herself finds this posts it the one thing I can't discuss openly.

My partner also reads these threads and he does ask that I don't air his personal details.

No need to apologise, I just didn't want you to think I was criticising you

Italian,
You have really been my rock through this and I want to publicly say a big thank you for that, you have some very wise views and a big heart to help and care about me the way that you do... I hope and pray that baby's adoptive parents are in any way similar to you because he would genuinely have a very loving upbringing and your adopted kids are lucky to have you!

I appreciate all the PMs and support and hope you know that.

Hope you have a great holiday.

Thank you so much NM. You are too kind.

My son is adopted, my dd is our birth child. They met when dd was 3 and dd was 9 they have blended in and love each other like birth siblings, in fact people commen on it! It's lovely but was not easily at the start.

purple I cannot comment for Kristina and am sure she may reply for herself. But I feel sure baby would be just fine with the OP if she decided that was what was right for her. I don't want to pressurised her either way but I think she has been pressurised into planning to give up by baby by almost every person! Her ex, her partner, his ex and wider family. Who have co-opted in the children saying they will lose out if she keeps baby! In reality the whole family will be affected by the baby and I feel more so by the loss of it

Normally NOWADAYS adopted children come from families who cannot care for them. Not where mum was pressurised to give up baby!

If the op feels she really cannot cope practically, physically and emotionally then she must do what is right for her, but she is not thinking of herself. She is attempting to think of baby but also thinking of just about every person under the sun! Her ex, her partner his ex, her kids, his kids, wider family, social services and even as yet unidentified POTENTIAL adoptive parents! It seems to me op is not being given space to decide this.

NM please use these two weeks to decide what is right for YOU and BABY. If you choose to keep baby your ex cannot stop you!

But always, you are the most important person in this. Baby will be OK with you or adopters but better with you IF you can cope IMHO. Xxxxxxx

Kristina, how can you definitively state that Ops baby will be better with her and his brothers?

Because generally the best place for a child to be raised is in the family who gave birth to him. Unless of course they cannot care safely and well for him . As Italian said, most babies are removed by SS because their family of origin cannot care well for them, they are very rarely relinquished.

I see nothing in the Ops posts to suggest that her other children are in any way neglected or abused, so why woudl this baby not be loved and cared for?

Many children are born into families when they are not planned , sometimes parents are quite sure that they don't want this child / any more children . Circumstances are often far from ideal . But that all tends to fly out the window when the baby is born .

The people who seem to be filled with hate will not actually be in this baby's life . It's his parents former partners and their families . If the baby doesn't know them , their views and opinions will not affect him.

Unless of course they all live in a community where the baby will be stigmatised because of his origins , but the OP has not told us that .

OP, I now see that you still share a home with your husband and the children of your marriage . I take it that he will not tolerate your your youngest child living with you , is that right ? So if you keep the baby, you woudl have to move you and your other children out ?

Have you been told this by a lawyer? That your husband could force you and your children to move out because one of the children is not his? Or is it that he cant force you to move out but that he is / woudl be abusive to you and your other children if you kept the baby ?

So in a years time, in September 2017, you and your husband are going to divorce and move into seperate accommodation, is that right ?

Are you worried that the older children will choose to live with their father if you keep the baby ?

Or maybe you feel that you will not be able to love him ? If that's the case, they maybe you are right to relinquish him .

Please understand, I have no doubt that there is a lovely adoptive family out there approved and waiting for a healthy 2 week old baby. He will have a loving home and his adoptive parents will help him come to terms with his past.

But I am concerned that in a years time, when you and your husband and divorced and you are living alone with your sons, you will regret very much having given up your child. And that you might feel it woudl have been better to change your plans and bring forward the divorce to this Autumn rather than relinquish your child.

I am speaking as someone who has lost two children . The grief is terrible, but at least I know there was nothing I could do to change things. But you are making a choice and I'm fearful of the impact this will have upon you, that you will feel very guilty and regret your decision.

Most parents who have had a child taken away from them and adopted are wracked with guilt , wishing that they had done things differently. Even when they were struggling with addiction , metal illness or a violent and abusive partner, they blame themselves and wish they could have been stronger .

It doesn't matter that many of them have been through things that would defeat most people . They blame themselves.

I fear that for you it will be worse , because you are choosing this path .

However I can see that your plans are very fixed in your mind amd you know what you want to do . I appreciate that you are doing what you think is for the best,, which is all that any of us can do.

I wish you well whatever you decide .

Fair enough. Can't help but be curious though, having seen the Situation from the other perspective. I hope everyone is alright.

I do know a bit about adoption:) which is why I think it's a shame some think it's an inferior choice but I don't want to cause a bun fight op so I'll bow out.

purple I don't (for the record) think it is an inferior choice. It was the only choice for my son to have a family who could care for him and for me and Dh to have another child.

If you know about adoption in the UK, you will know it is very rare for parents to relinquish their baby/child/children.

I think this baby would do fine with an adoptive family but also fine with op. If she felt she could care for him and love him. But the op has consistently put every other person above her own needs and it makes me suspicious she is relinquishing her baby to please others, maybe!

Ultimately, it must be her choice.

I don't think anyone on these boards wants to down play adoption or make it seem less valuable than birth parenting, several of us are both birth parents and parents by adoption.

But if you have read from the start you will see the op has been very bullied by family and I am fearful she may regret this decision.

But, as I say, I think all of us are big fans of adoption... when it is right for the child.

I've no issue with any of that Italian but I do have an issue with the statements, both inferred and explicit, that state the child will suffer with his adoptive family, he will be confused / upset / angry that he was relinquished and his brothers were not, he is better off with the OP.

These are possibilities but they are not facts.

I recognise it's rare for babies to be relinquished but that's due to a variety of factors - social perception, welfare support and access to abortion. It would have been very easy for the OP to terminate her pregnancy earlier but she has been incredibly brave in making the decision to continue. I hope, OP, it is your decision and no one else's but that includes pressure from here and social workers too. If you feel adoption is the right thing then stick to that decision

I agree purple we can't always know what will happen in life but other posters (I don't think I said any of the things you mentioned) have had different experiences.

Posters here are not just adoptive parents. Some might be birth parents, who know the pain that may follow the OP's decision for her; some might be adults adopted as children, who can speak about how they felt. This does not mean they know haw the op's son will feel but they do know how he might feel.

Those of us parenting children removed due to neglect etc, will be able to tell a certain 'story' about our child's adoptipn. It will be different for those who parent children relinquished.

I do know two adoptive families where babies were relinquished, it isn't unheard of but is rare.

Purple you don't need to say but I am interested if your experiences are in the UK, as adoption is very different in other countries.

Yes, my experiences are in the U.K. :)

I recognise the majority of children are removed via a care order. That doesn't mean that every child who stays with their birth family is better off than they would have been if they had been adopted.

Before the end of the last century, there was a great stigma to having a child outside marriage . There was little social or financial support for lone parents . Babies were often given up for adoption . People adopted in these times generally understand that things were different then .

This child will have to come to terms with the fact that he was given up for a whole set of complicated reason outlines in this thread , which seem to boil down to the fact that his mother and father both want to keep their exs happy and that means not keeping him .

And that no one in his extended family wanted him either .

That seems quite a thing for a child to deal with . It's not the same as kids ( like me ) who were relinquished decades ago . Yes of course I can't KNOW that this will be a problem for him . But I'm guessing it will , based on the many adoptees I've known and the many books I've read and talks I've listened to .

Well yes, if the facts are presented to him as such, but you've omitted huge chunks of relevant information.

Indeed , it's a very complicated story and I'm sure I've missed out a great deal . But the essence is the same .

But anyway the Op has decided on her plan. I'm sure that his adoptive parents will help him deal with his past in a sensitive and age appropriate way.

I wonder how the brothers are coping with the soon to be loss of a sibling, if they are aware of everything that's going on?

Hey Lottie,

The boys are doing well, first they got assessed by the normal social services team who spoke to them individually privately and concluded the boys were in a healthy and well adjusted state.. The boys were open and confident when they spoke to that team. They contacted their schools and they received a brilliant report on their behaviour, sppearance, attendance and characters. They really are amazing little men and everyone loves them.

Then as I keep strongly staring because there are NO safeguarding issues..so the next step was to be passed to the child in need team who also assessed the boys and found that there is no further action but want to keep file open in case the kids need any support after the adoption.

My kids don't hold back (wonder where they get that from?) they have no issue with expressing how they are feeling and we have open talks about the adoption with them.

We also seek privately sourced advice from the family therapist regarding how to handle the adoption with them.

The eldest is 15 and is completely disinterested in anything to do with the adoption... He's too busy being a hormonal 15 year old and dealing with puberty is his main priority.

The 12 year old is my heart baby and he is not really emotionally open as he has some generic issues that means he can't quite connect with things emotionally. He is a happy, loving and very kind young man who despite his delays in many ways (growth, learning difficulty and emotional connection issues) is doing great at school and is very popular with the other kids and teachers.

The 10 and 8 year olds are the most curious about the baby and they are the ones who express interest the most... They haven't had the experience their older brothers have had of having a baby in the house.. And the therapist said this is the main reason for their curiosity so not to encourage or discourage it.

They talk about baby whenever they want and they know baby is not going to live with us and that they won't have contact with him after he's adopted. The little one expresses sadness about that often and he's really the most vulnerable out of all of them in this situation

As far as all the other posts...

OnNo... I'm sure if you wanted to contact M directly he would be honest with you about what's going on.. He does not hide from anyone who wants to get his side of the story and has been happy to talk to people he knows even if they are friends with his ex more than him when they have approached him directly.

other posts..

I'm really struggling with the concept of doing just what's right for me... My decisions and actions all have consequences on the people around me and their lives, from my kids, the exes, my partner and his kids, extended family etc... To the future and emotional well being of this little boy I'm carrying.

Yes I admit I am under immense pressure from many sides and circumstances to give baby up for adoption and yes he would be loved and looked after well by me if I kept him... I raised 4 beautiful and loving boys already ... But this does not change the fact that I am in the position I am in now...

How do I stop the pressure? How do I stop the fact that my decisions will inadvertently effect the lives of all the people around me? I don't understand how you expect me to just think of myself and ignore all of that.

This decision has not been taken lightly and my main concern is baby's future and the fact that I want what's best for him up and above everyone else...including myself.

Will I regret my decision one day? Absolutely! But that does not mean it wasn't the right one.

Will I be devastated by his loss and grieve for the rest of my life.. Again I'm certain that will happen too but if he has a good loving and caring upbringing then it's worth my grief. His ultimate happiness is worth me going through this.

Am I torn up about the fact that he may well choose never to see me or make contact again? Yes, that point really hurts but again it would mean that his life was good and that he's got all the love and care he needs from his adoptive family.

NM - have you thought about asking for your son to be placed with adopters would allow face to face contact occasionally ? Is this something you would like ?

Or you could exchange letters and perhaps photographs ?

Given that you are relinquishing him, it's quite reasonable of you to ask for this . If your agency don't have any waiting adopters who's woudl allow this, there are plenty others elsewhere who would.

NM If you find it difficult to make this decision without thinking about other people, perhaps you could think in terms of the short and long term effects on those others involved.

Short term, the baby's very existence no doubt causes enormous anguish to your ex, his family, your dp, his ex etc. But removing the baby from the family home doesn't negate his existence and he will still be real. Having him adopted won't remove the anguish that has already happened, will it? It will punish you though, which they maybe feel should happen.

Long term (if you kept the baby), you will be divorced from your ex and living in separate homes, leading separate lives. So what if you have five more babies? That will have absolutely nothing to do with him. His negative opinion will have no effect on either you or your new ds because they wont be involved. Nor will you be affected by the negativity of your ex's family. (So, they've moved to disinherit your baby ds. So what? He's not their grandchild so you wouldn't expect them to include him in the family trust fund, I guess).

As for your dp, well from what you've told us about him so far, he doesn't sound like a committed or loyal long term partner. Is he really likely to be in your life in five year's time? He's already told you he wont stay if you keep the baby. But I would imagine if the adoption goes ahead, that the bitterness, guilt and resentment caused by being pushed into adoption that you will both feel will make building a successful relationship with him almost impossible over the next few months and years.

And that leaves your dp's ex and his dds. They will not be in your lives. They just wont. She's already made that clear. So why be concerned at all about the effect on them? They wont be any more or less affected by your decision. Adoption or not, the 'damage' is already done to their marriage.

So that leaves you and your dss (who sound lovely ). The only real question you need to answer is could you love and look after this baby boy yourself as a single parent? Would you and your boys be able to give him a happy childhood?

Somehow, from what you've said, it feels like you could.

Kristina,
I want baby to bond with his adoptive parents. I want them to feel he is theirs without having to deal with me and my emotions about things.
I would absolutely love to have contact, pictures and letters but would nerver want to burden the adoptive family with that commitment.. I want them to feel he is totally theirs.

I will be writing baby letters and getting him birthday cards and thinking of him on his every special occasion but I am still undecided weather to have these as letterbox contact or to keep them in a box with me until a day if he decided to get in contact he can have the box with its contents.

Haff,

You genuinely hit on my most strong doubt about this decision... Am I making a long term decision based on short term circumstances?

That's what I have been asking myself often.

2/3/5 years from now all will be ok if I keep him and that's absolutely right. I would have had the time to sort the practicalities that are a major stumbling block. I would have a more secure and established relationship with my partner or I would be on my own and therefore not have to take his home animocity situation into account..

By the time baby has a memory of life and events things would have settled down and he wouldn't have to remember the turbulent time after his birth while I'm sorting out the fall out of keeping him.

If I had been divorced even a year when this happened the decision would be much different.. But I'm not and this is the position I am in now.

The reality is that I am alone, fiends are great but family support wise I am absolutely alone and therefore don't feel I have any real support to overcome the short term fall out of keeping baby...

I really don't know how to emotionally find the strength, energy and drive to get through the initial fall out and the short term chaos of keeping baby. I am exhausted physically and emotionally.

This was really sado to read.
Can I gently sayou that it feels like you are trying to repair the damage caused by the affair by removing the 'evidence '. Crass way to say it but I don't know how else to say it. I think your partner more than you.

The damage from the affair will still be there whether you keep the baby or not. Giving the baby up is not going to solve this it is going to cause more hurt. For you.

Your partner sounds selfish. He's a liar and a cheat. What does he mean he can't raise another baby. His daughters aren't more important than your son. If he wanted you to keep the baby would you keep him?

haff - you wrote exactly what I was thinking.

OP - have you confided in your friends as to how you feel? You said in one of your early posts that your work had been trying to help you find solutions. I am sure if you opened up to people about wanting to keep your baby doors would open for you and you would find yourself with a bit more support. Financially the baby's dad would have to support him and you never know what might happen in time as relations with exs thaw.

I feel bad as don't want to push you but you do have options. Where in the country are you? I'd help you if you were near me!

The long term is a very good view to consider. Good advice.

You say your friends are great . Can you ask them for some practical support for after the baby is born ?