Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38
I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.
I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.
Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..
Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.
I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.
I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...
All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...
I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..
I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..
I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?
I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..
For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?
Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?
Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.
user7755 · 29/07/2016 06:53
I also agree with Gillybeanz comment about keeping the baby for two weeks, but from the baby's perspective. Please talk to the SW about how to sensitively and sensibly manage the issue of attachment for this baby. Having two weeks to consolidate the bond with you and your family and then being removed to foster care / foster to adopt - may be very damaging for the little one.
I don't want to be over dramatic but sometimes people think that because they are babies it doesn't affect them, it really can.
confusionoftheillusion · 29/07/2016 06:59
Italian greyhound... You said what I was thinking the whole thread (only more articulately!)
Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2016 07:21
Thank you confused.
Kr1stina · 29/07/2016 11:35
So can I just check I've got it right . Your are giving away your baby because
- your partners ex will hate him slightly less ( even though the baby will still exist and she won't have to see it anyway )
- he won't have to explain to his older children that he had an affair ( they will get over it I promise you, they are not the only kids in their class with a half sibling ) . And of course his embarrassment is more important than his child
- your ex husband and your ex inlaws will hate you less ( because a baby they don't see is less hateful than one they do )
- your own sons will have to deal with the upheaval of a a new sibling .
Have I got it right ? You are placing you baby for adoption for the sake of the feelings and opinions of a group of people who hate you - your ex and his ex ?
And your partners feelings, when you know it's very unlikely to last ? He's already backing away from you now, isn't he ? And I suspect he's not actually your " partner " anyway , in that you don't live together , he's just your BF. Is that right ?
And your kids and his kids, even though most older children and teens adjust very quickly to having a cute little brother or sister.
You are giving away the most precious thing in the world to accommodate a bunch of people who hate you now and won't hate you less after the adoption .
Can I ask if you are part of a religious or cultural group that has strong views about extra marital sex / families etc ? Because some of the things you post haven't been part of " mainstream " British culture in 50 years .
If so, that might explain why so many of us are struggling to understand .
confusionoftheillusion · 29/07/2016 11:37
That was a bit brutal kristina....
OP is having a bloody hard time of it...
Kr1stina · 29/07/2016 11:52
I'm sorry if you think it's brutal, it wasn't meant to be . I'm know she's having a hard time of it and she seems surrounded by people who want her to do what suits them . It's hard to reconcile all these conflicting voices .
But in ten years time, will it still matter what her various exs and their families think ? No it won't , they will probably be gone from her life .
But she will never get over losing her child. Ask any of the birth mums here on these boards . And her child will spend their life coming to terms with what happened .
I speak from personal experience on both of these things .
NM8448 · 29/07/2016 12:51
I can't comment much right now but things have changed and I no longer have the option to have baby for two weeks so I'm resigned to giving him up from hospital. This is not a social services influenced decision. Circumstances have changed with accommodation
Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2016 14:59
Stay calm, talk to us later. It's so hard. We aeevhere for you.
We know you are under tremendous pressure.
Please just relax and talk to us all later. We are here for you.
Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2016 16:42
I mean, of course, talk to us if you want to. I am not trying to get you to reveal anything!
Just try and feel as calm as you.
confusionoftheillusion · 29/07/2016 18:26
Sorry if I misunderstood you kristina
OP are you ok? What's happened? I'm worried about you
Kr1stina · 29/07/2016 23:08
What do your mean, NM? Baby doesn't need any separate accommodation, they can sleep in your room with you .
Where are you and your sons living - I thought you were still in the marital home ?
Italiangreyhound · 01/08/2016 00:34
How are you doing OP, we are thinking of you.
Kr1stina · 01/08/2016 07:56
Yes, hoping you and baby are well and that you are managing to get some space and time to work out what you want to do .
confusionoftheillusion · 01/08/2016 10:21
op I hope you're ok.
You've been in my thoughts a lot.
NM8448 · 01/08/2016 15:43
Morning, please don't worry too much there have been some health scares (contractions, ?loss of amniotic fluid and some bleeding yesterday so I was caught up with that.
Yes things are very stressful at the moment but I'm trying to cope best I can with the way things are devolving.
I know I am being cryptic but what's happened it's not something I can share and risk going back to the partners ex via friends on here... It's a big mess and it's not something she should ever find out from me via her friends.
NM8448 · 01/08/2016 15:48
Accommodation wise I can't bring baby back to this house.. My ex is kicking up as it is with me having labour pains and health issues.. It's not fair on the kids to have baby here for two weeks.
The original plan was to have baby at my partners home.. This is now up in the air after some information came to light I was devastated by.. We are working on solutions but it's having to do that as well as cope with the health issues right now.
So if baby comes now I don't feel I have much choice to sort out accommodation to have my space with him before handing him over and his dad is working on fixing things that have caused the issues but that takes time.
NM8448 · 01/08/2016 15:57
The two weeks stay has been discussed with SS regarding baby's welfare.. They understand the logic behind it and aren't opposed to it.
Baby would not be with his siblings just me and my partner and with all due respect this isn't supposed to be easy... He's not a piece of meat I am handing over thoughtlessly... It only right that it's hard and painful and soul crushing for me to hand him over... I love him and I'm doing it because it's what's best for HIM not me not convenience not laziness... I need to have my space with him to say goodbye to be his mum for the two weeks that I can be.. To give him the best start in life..
labour and delivery is going to be emotionally excruciating ebough without having to hand him over straight after that.
I have had one baby with heart issues.. The doctors didn't know if he would survive after the birth... Knowing I was giving birth to him and that I may possibly loose him was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.. That birth and labour was horrific and absolutely traumatic... I see this birth being the same if I have to hand this baby over straight after birth and I can't cope with ever going through that again... So the two weeks gives me the space to have him for a bit before saying goodbye and that makes me feel more at ease with coping with all of this....
If that makes me a selfish person then I really don't know what more I can say about that... All the options are tough... I'm doing my best to choose the one that's more appropriate for my experience and situation.
Kr1stina · 01/08/2016 17:23
Really it's not best for him . It's best for him to be brought up by you and be with his brothers . And hopefully to have some contact with his father and sisters .
Please, I cannot express how awful it is to lose a child . You never get over it . Don't put yourself and your child through this , especially for a bunch of peope who don't even care for you .
I'm confused - are you still living with your husband ? I thought you were seperated .
Do you think that some legal advice would help you ? So you know your options ?
OhNoTimothy · 01/08/2016 21:10
As far as I'm aware I'm the only friend of his wife who's recognised you.
If you want to talk about things here, you can. I promise you I won't breathe a word. She's in a big enough mess as it is and I actually agree that she is behaving quite badly
Italiangreyhound · 02/08/2016 00:17
NM just to say I am thinking of you.
OhnoTimothy that sounds like a really kind think to say, very helpful to the OP.
NM say as much or as little here as you like BUT please, please stop worrying about everybody else but you.
For the record NM I'm with Kristina
user7755 · 02/08/2016 06:57
I presume that post was directed at me? I think you have misunderstood, I haven't called you selfish. I don't think you're selfish at all, I think you're doing something very hard for your baby's future.
I was just advising you to discuss it with SW because that two weeks may be very difficult for all of you, both short and long term. You have, that's the end of it. I genuinely wasn't criticising you.
Italiangreyhound · 02/08/2016 09:11
NM morning, just to say woke up and thought of you.
NM8448 · 02/08/2016 09:58
Sorry user I was frustrated because very few people understand the two weeks thing...I keep being accused of doing that in order to change my mind, not in this forum but by outsiders.. I have no intention of changing my mind.. Infact I am of the belief that if there is any chance of changing my mind it has to be now before he is born and before an adoptive family gets involved and before further social services time and energy is spent on this and with enough time to get organised with accommodation, baby equipment etc.
It's frustrating explaining it all the time, the whole previous traumatic birth with my heart baby (he's 12 now and doing well but it took 18 months of ups and downs and heart ops and resuscitating him twice at home and a lot more but he's here and he's well), the whole wanting to have time to say goodbye in private, the whole giving him the best start in life, wanting him to go to his adoptive parents under foster to care arrangement rather than foster care etc.
I did discuss it with the SW and she's of the opinion that it will be hard for me and baby will be ok emotionally for the time I have him and in future when he finds out I kept him 2 weeks according to her.
I have been fixated on having my time with him for the two weeks from quite early on and it helps me emotionally cope with what's going to happen.
Sorry if I came across rudely about it.
NM8448 · 02/08/2016 10:09
In reply to your post, I am separated from my husband and have been since September 2016 (before pregnancy) but we still live under the same roof for practical, financial and children welfare reasons.
He has his own schedule and I have mine, we are civil and have a 2 year plan of divorce and moving into separate accommodarions.
I have sought legal advice. I can't have him removed from the home and he can't get me removed from the home... I dont want to leave my kids and I am adamant I don't want to live with my partner due this being a fairly new relationship and just not the appropriate step.
I really don't feel that it's best for baby to be raised by me, I emotionally, practically and logically can't give him much under the circumstances and can't ever compete with what an adoptive family could offer him in comparison.
People around me have pressured me one way or the other throughout this pregnant but I am trying to drawn all those opinions out and just listen to what I feel inside about it.
purplemoonlight · 02/08/2016 10:20
Kristina, how can you definitively state that Ops baby will be better with her and his brothers?
It sounds to me as if he'd be born into a home with huge amounts of love but a certain amount of disharmony, chaos and resentment. And certainly that number of children would be hard to provide for.
Op, I think you sound amazing.
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