Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

[GretchenBeckett]

I'm a bit late to this thread and I don't really have any wise words but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I'm in awe of your strength, I know you probably don't feel very strong but you're holding it together despite this turmoil you're going through. You are clearly such a good, loving person.

Sending you much love

[Italiangreyhound]

Box of sails* I am very sorry to give you turmail. Our situation is different to yours. Our son was not attached to birth parents, removed quite young, in foster care a while, too young on coming to us to understand letters, and now letters have appeared to have stopped from birth family. The letters his birth mum did send will go to him one day but may raise question, why did she stop writing! Please p.m. me if you want to know more. I think the situation is very different to yours. I am on phone. Hard to pm buy can reply to pm.

[Italiangreyhound]

Just to say firmly our situation is our own, not linked to others. We can and do send photos. But we're advised the letters were between us and the birth family not for our son. This will not be the same for all adopters. All situations are different.

I can't begin to imagine how anyone feels who has lost a child, either given up or taken away. But I do hope of the circumstances have changed then you may feel one day able to parent again to a new child.

Just as an aside we are open to meeting our son's birth parents. This has not been possible due to birth parents not feeling able to do this. I think as an adopter it is part of my job for my son to make him aware of the past so if specific letters were coming regularly (not necessarily often but at regular intivals) I would be delighted to share them with him.

boxoffrogs you should be able to ask about the letters etc. It is a shame you cannot be sent a photo. Some adopters can be very nervous of photos. Our photos are not sent to birth family but are available to be viewed. This is because of social media concerns.

[notfornothing]

Hi NM
I have read your thread and there has been some great points being made. Most of what i was thinking has been said already, the only thing I want to say is: whatever option you choose your life will never be the same as before this baby.

If you think by giving him up your life will retur to "normal " I don't think that's possible, there will always be part of your family missing.
You mentioned not being emotionally available to raise this child. But if you compare the emotions of having and raising a new baby to losing a newborn baby - which one is harder to manage emotionally?
I know which one it would be for me.

Leave all else out for a minute and focus on yourself and your feelings - if you live him, you will manage. You will need more strenght for giving him up and still being a mum to other 4 whilst dealing with your internal feelings.

I'm sorry this might be abrupt and rude, but fuck everyone else - you and your kids is what matters - focus on you and them.

[notfornothing]

*if you love him (the baby)

[Italiangreyhound]

NM8448 hi my dear, am back from my holiday and just wondering how you are doing?

[OhNoTimothy]

Wow. I've realised I know you. Or at least "of" you.
Please be aware people that this woman's "partner" was still married and fully with his wife when he started seeing her. They were going through a rough patch but nothing more than the usual. The first the wife (my friend!!) knew that they were splitting up was when the OP's husband went round to her house and told her the her husband had got another woman pregnant!! She is not "vile" by any means- she is broken.
Don't fall for this woman's sob story. The baby is a product of an affair and she has ripped a family apart and damaged a lot of people!

[Italiangreyhound]

OhNoTimothy NO WOMAN should have to have an abortion to please other people. What a vile idea.

[OhNoTimothy]

I didn't say that. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I reacted with anger on behalf of a good friend.
I do know her partner and his wife and it is shameful that she has come on here asking for advice and portraying herself as an innocent victim when she chose to sleep with a married man. It's not OK to start slagging off his wife. She may have reacted badly, but who's to say how any of us would react if we found out that our husbands had not only been playing away but had got someone else pregnant!!
From the account of the partner's wife, this woman is revelling in the drama of the situation. It wouldn't surprise me if she decides to keep the baby at the last minute.

[RebelRogue]

Ohno op hasn't been here in a month,probably busy,and in any case it was obvious that the baby was the result of an affair anyways. People chose to offer advice and support with that in mind

[NM8448]

Wow that was a bit of a low blow..
I didn't portray myself as a victim, all I did was ask for practical advice because no matter what happened the baby is the innocent party here and all me and my partner want is to make sure we do our best for him.

The adoption team is now involved and all is still going ahead as planned.

You may know my partner and his wife but you certainly don't know me. And she certainly does not know me either despite offering her an olive branch to sit down and talk for the sake of the kids she has refused as she prefers to make ludicrous assumptions and judgement about things rather than ask directly what happened because God forbid she realises I'm not the problem in her marriage and she would have to deal with some of her own failings.

I didn't chase said married man and I avoided him for 18 months at work while he persued me. This is the first time I have done anything like this but it's not the first time he has. This has happened before with another colleague so please put it in prospective who is responsible for their own actions.

I didn't promise to be faithful to his wife, and I was told that marriage was over many times and have the evidence of that.

As far as I am concerned his ex wife is behaving in a disgraceful way towards her own children and towards this unborn baby by repeatedly calling him 'IT' as well as other disgraceful names, making the girls cry when she doesent get attention from their dad (I have heard the children sob on the phone to their dad when she has had one of her hissy fits and taken it out on them) but that does not stop her from drinking like a sailor and then texting absolute abuse to their dad whenever the mood takes her.

I don't want my baby growing up in a warzone like that and at times she is the driving force for the decision we made regarding the adoption because this baby can't grow up in a warzone like this.. She is a selfish vile woman who has the audacity to dress up as a Christian in public yet is taking all her anger and frustration on innocent children behind closed doors.. All she cares about is her public image.

While I am taking my share of responsibility for my actions and decisions and living with the consequences... I have no time or respect for a woman who does not and blames everything else for the failure of her marriage rather than actually take a look at her own behaviour as well.

Sorry about the rant everyone.. It's been building up for months and I will not sit back and take abuse or assumptions made from someone I have never met and felt the need to have their biast misinformed say about my life when in 6 weeks time I will be going through enough without the need of random strangers making it harder.

Yes I regret wholeheartedly getting involved with anyone who is married and I am taking my share of responsibility and dealing with the consequences but don't come on here besting me up further based on the words of a person who hasn't got a clue what's going on because she refuses to handle her own life.

I will update further on the adoption progress and everything else when I have calmed down from this latest invasion of privacy and ignorance.

sorry again everyone for the rant.

[user7755]

Just to say that I have reported this thread, it has lost its anonymity and is not very helpful for anyone at the moment. Hope all parties get support that they need but perhaps taking personal arguments onto MN isn't he best way to do this?

[NM8448]

I just read the question about the abortion! Are you serious???

Once again ignorant comments with no real information....
I didn't have an abortion because the baby's dad himself begged me not to after his ex called him her favourite 4 letter word for thinking about killing an innocent baby!!!
We got absolutely slated by her when we were considering an abortion! Now I'm a drama queen for not going through with it?
do you even really hear what you are saying? I'm such a drama queen that I put myself through 9 month of pregnancy, hormones, stress, fatigue, public embarassment, my children are effected, my health is effected, pain of labour, pain of the adoption.... All of that because you think I like drama? Where did that assumption come from really?? Do you know me or anyone who actually knows me? Or does it just suit your assumptions to portray me like that?

In the end it was my decision because I simply couldn't live with having and abortion. while I do not judge anyone who has one it's not something I could live with personally but really how dare you judge me for not wanting to have an abortion? What kind of person are you???

I don't need to trap anyone, I walked away from him many times and asked him to put in the effort in his marriage and his response has always been he simply does not want to.. He told her directly how he felt before any of this happened but she refused to listen..he asked for a separation before Christmas and she refused, Saying all the marriage problems were his fault and he's the one who has to fix it and has to put the effort in... This is way before me and him got involved and he used to tell me about it when he was at work because he was down that she wouldn't take responsibility for her behaviour in the marriage as well.

I just can't truly believe how this is happened and how pathetic can a grown person be to invade a discussion about adoption based on vile assumptions.

I never hid anything on here I was open and honest because I wanted the genuine advice to help baby.

So so sad there are people like this in the world

[NM8448]

Agreed user, thank you for doing that and sorry for the distruption on it.

[Italiangreyhound]

OhNoTimothy I am afraid that is exactly what you implied and I think you should report your own comment and have it removed immediately.

You said " I reacted with anger on behalf of a good friend." But to be honest that is not the point of mumsnet. Mumsnet is here for support of people, especially mums, and that is what many of us have been giving the OP, not judgement.

The only thing here that is shameful is that this poor woman is being treated the way she is.

I do not think she is 'portraying herself as an innocent victim', and to be honest, again, it's not my place to judge what happened between her and the other man.

Re "It wouldn't surprise me if she decides to keep the baby at the last minute." That IF I MAY SAY is none of your business nor anyone else's business. She must do what is right for her.

[Italiangreyhound]

NM8448 whether you continue posting here or elsewhere is totally up to you. Message me if you wish to.

The OP has not destroyed anonymity, and in reality no one of us knows who this person is and to out her would out the other woman involved to so this invasion has been really most unhelpful to all!

Thinking of you OP.

[NM8448]

I'm frustrated by it all.. I came here for practical advice, when people have felt sorry for me I reassured them I was ok.. To get the advice I was honest and gave an accurate history because I'm not hiding things I'm here for genuine advice to ensure the innocent baby in all of this is ok despite his conception circumstances.

I judge myself enough and I feel guilty about everything enough.. I didn't expect an ignorant stranger whom I have never met to bypass all that and just take the word of a scorned woman who's living a pretty cushty life and has all the support she could ever want to move on and heal but chooses to take out her anger and sadness on an innocent baby.
Her children have a dad who's loving and supportive, this baby won't have a dad as a result of all of this anger and misplaced resentment.

[OhNoTimothy]

Hmmmm.
You say your husband had several affairs? Put yourself in the place of the wife. How would you have felt if he'd got someone pregnant!? He cheated on you and yet you had no qualms with being with a married man yourself!
You say your partner has done this before too? That shows the kind of person he is. He obviously wasn't caught then or I'd know about it. He probably told this woman all kinds of things about the state of his marriage too! And ditched her as men having affairs tend to in the end. (Unless there is a baby involved of course)

You say he pursued you? That is not his story. He claims you two were friends and the sex just "happened". A bit of fun that dot serious because of this child. I'm well aware of the problems in the marriage but he never gave up on it. If you hadn't got pregnant he wouldn't be with you now.

[NM8448]

Wow yet again more assumptions..
I won't comment on his past behaviour that's for him to talk about..

All I can say that I have evidence where I was reassured by him the end of his marriage has and had nothing to do with me. Before the baby happened there was serious talk of divorce. I walked away at Christmas to make sure he made decisions for him and his family and not take me into account because it shouldn't have.

I don't see it that I have zero responsibility but I am not 100% responsible by the information I was given. I own and take my part in this fully. I am handling my end of mess up and paying the price for it because it is as I should.

Yes I can totally understand her upset and don't deny that what I don't get is the total shifting of blame and as you rightfully stated I have been in her shoes but I didn't take it out on my ex husbands women.. I addressed my failings as a wife and his failings as a husband and worked hard at it will all of me for 4 years after the first lot of affairs then 1 year after the second... So in my humble option and experience people who have been faithful for YEARS and years and years don't just choose to cheat out of nowhere. People who do it from the start and are regular offenders yes they have a personality flaw and that's something different but in my marriage and in this case it does not appear to be that.

As far as what he tells her and what he tells me I have no control over that but I am also mindful that she has been economical with the truth with friends and family in the past and can't really see her saying "oh well he wasn't happy he told me he wasn't and I didn't nothing to sort that out".

If we are such vile humans how do you explain the immense support we have from people who actually know us like colleagues and other friends and family?

And as far as trying to degrade a relationship by saying it was a bit of fun, about sex etc, that's actually quite horrible... I have only ever slept with one person my whole life before this. I didn't jump into bed with anyone nor would I do that... It took months of getting to know the other person, weather you or her accept it or not Love feelings were exchanged way before any physical stuff happened..:so don't make me out to be a slag based on one mistake that I am living and dealing with.

If it makes her feel better to believe he's only with me because of the baby then that's her thing.. I don't control him in any way and I'm not interested in quite frankly biast opinions by someone who literally has made NO effort to find out facts because they can't deal with them.

Right now and what will always be important is this baby and his brothers and sisters wellbeing.. The rest of us are adults and we should all just take responsibility for our own individual parts but I won't tolerate anyone don't care how unhappy/scorned/justified they feel in taking it out on an innocent child and will stand up for the baby no matter who his existence annoys.

Calling a baby "IT" as well as previous derogatory comments aimed at him... Refusing to let him and his sisters have any interactions for all their sakes not ours.. Making threats about baby and his interactions with siblings that's all unacceptable behaviour in my book and completely negates any moral ground she ever had with regards to this situation...

And while we are taking about empathy... I'm supposed to feel sorry for her because I have been in her shoes right? Where is her dignity and compassion towards someone who is loosing their child?

[OhNoTimothy]

I don't blame the baby. He is an innocent in this mess you and he have created.

I don't really know what to think now. You say he's cheated before- what makes him any different to your husband? Who's to say it was just once and you arnt the latest in a long line of women who all thought he loved them? It sounds like he should have left the marriage years ago yet they appeared happy, always out and about, having fun.
His behavior came as a huge shock.

Your story that he actively tried to get you into bed for over a year before you caved is worrying. He should have been sorting things out at home instead of chasing you. Or is that more drama.

I really don't know what to think.

[OhNoTimothy]

I don't think everyone is supporting you. I think a lot of people probably judge you in the same way but arnt vocal about it. Which is a good thing for all.

[NM8448]

with all due respect I came to this forum to get practical support and advice about baby...
Should you feel you have further comments or should she have the guts to face things she has my contact details or you can PM me on here. I am more than happy to answer any questions she or you have civilly.

I will carry on posting about the baby's adoption because that's what I came here for and won't be entertaining anymore assumptions or attempts at public humiliation.

Hope you can support your friend through this difficult time.

[NM8448]

I never said he tried to get me into bed.. You know him well ebough he's not a predator!! If he had approached me like that I would have run a mile.

Again his past behaviour is well know by his spouse

[OhNoTimothy]

She has never mentioned any other affairs.
You said he "pursued you" for 18 months.
Again, he probably told the last girl he loved her too. Only she clearly didn't get pregnant.

I didn't think he was a predator, no. But then, I didn't think he was a serial cheater either!

I don't actually know how to PM on here, sorry...