Respectful adoption language

[Offredalba]

Sometime ago there was a brief discussion about why some people might find the term birthmother offensive. Perhaps this will inform and promote understanding.

www.firstmotherforum.com/2016/01/preferred-adoption-language-is-bunk.html?m=1

combined02 I guessed during the thread that you might be adopted. It feels as if the generalising statements you made were perhaps personal so saying things like "adopters don't understand..." perhaps means "my adopters don't understand..." and saying things about what birth children feel is perhaps about what you feel.

On this thread it seems you have been lashing out in anger and distress but I think that you're angry with the wrong people. You're trying to highlight systemic failures and lack of understanding/empathy from adopters but I wonder if you're really talking about a system that failed you in some way or things that you needed/need your own adopters to hear.

Of course I might be way off the mark with all this. But the thing is that, when you generalise, people will challenge you. But your own truth about your own experience is yours and no one can deny you that.

I wonder if it would be worth putting your energy into your own feelings and your own "healing" before taking on the system or adopters in general. I hope you're able to find some peace.

What I have said is a direct response to what has been said to me online, and nothing to do with my past or any need to heal. If you read the whole thread (and I don't recommend it...) and the other comments made by me on other threads then maybe this would be clear. I have said I was adopted but came to terms with all my issues in my early twenties - I have zero issues to do with my past and I have decent relationship with everyone from my childhood. Adoption has not been relevant in my adult life until I came to this section about 2 years ago, not because i was interested in adoption but because of comments I had read by adopters in AIBU which worried me and I wanted to try to understand what was happening. In terms of taking on the system, if I didn't have dc and work and the busy life which comes with it, I would probably write articles and lobby for changes but I have other priorities at the moment, and this is why I am letting it lie. The thing about picking at a sore is to do with that frustration - seeing problems and not being able to do much about them.

I am not interested in taking on "adopters" as a group - some are clearly doing a fabulous job.

In relation to changes to adoption, my views are similar to those of many adopters who have been through it. Many of the adopters on here who lash out here are in the early stages and themselves clearly under a great deal of strain. I sympathise, but there is no excuse for the personal attacks.

PS I don't think I have said "adopters don't understand" I would have said "some adopters don't understand" if similar and no I wasn't talking about my adoptive parents.

I am a birth mum to a little boy. I don't find it offensive at all however I term his adoptive parents as his parents as that is how I see them.

A parent is someone who loves and raises a child regardless to whether that child is biologically related to them, this includes adoptive parents, step parents, and men/women who take on other peoples child.

I will always be my sons mum in my heart, but I accept that he has another mum now too.

I use the term birth mum and birth dad because it is what works for my kids but we are flexible too. My boy sometimes says "birthday daddy" -no idea why- and my girl says "daddy and daddy x (name)"

If that changes as they get older that's fine by me.