Respectful adoption language

[Offredalba]

Sometime ago there was a brief discussion about why some people might find the term birthmother offensive. Perhaps this will inform and promote understanding.

www.firstmotherforum.com/2016/01/preferred-adoption-language-is-bunk.html?m=1

[twinmummawingingit]

I use the term birth mum and birth dad because it is what works for my kids but we are flexible too. My boy sometimes says "birthday daddy" -no idea why- and my girl says "daddy and daddy x (name)"

If that changes as they get older that's fine by me.

[OurMiracle1106]

I am a birth mum to a little boy. I don't find it offensive at all however I term his adoptive parents as his parents as that is how I see them.

A parent is someone who loves and raises a child regardless to whether that child is biologically related to them, this includes adoptive parents, step parents, and men/women who take on other peoples child.

I will always be my sons mum in my heart, but I accept that he has another mum now too.

[combined02]

PS I don't think I have said "adopters don't understand" I would have said "some adopters don't understand" if similar and no I wasn't talking about my adoptive parents.

[combined02]

What I have said is a direct response to what has been said to me online, and nothing to do with my past or any need to heal. If you read the whole thread (and I don't recommend it...) and the other comments made by me on other threads then maybe this would be clear. I have said I was adopted but came to terms with all my issues in my early twenties - I have zero issues to do with my past and I have decent relationship with everyone from my childhood. Adoption has not been relevant in my adult life until I came to this section about 2 years ago, not because i was interested in adoption but because of comments I had read by adopters in AIBU which worried me and I wanted to try to understand what was happening. In terms of taking on the system, if I didn't have dc and work and the busy life which comes with it, I would probably write articles and lobby for changes but I have other priorities at the moment, and this is why I am letting it lie. The thing about picking at a sore is to do with that frustration - seeing problems and not being able to do much about them.

I am not interested in taking on "adopters" as a group - some are clearly doing a fabulous job.

In relation to changes to adoption, my views are similar to those of many adopters who have been through it. Many of the adopters on here who lash out here are in the early stages and themselves clearly under a great deal of strain. I sympathise, but there is no excuse for the personal attacks.

[MooseyMouse]

combined02 I guessed during the thread that you might be adopted. It feels as if the generalising statements you made were perhaps personal so saying things like "adopters don't understand..." perhaps means "my adopters don't understand..." and saying things about what birth children feel is perhaps about what you feel.

On this thread it seems you have been lashing out in anger and distress but I think that you're angry with the wrong people. You're trying to highlight systemic failures and lack of understanding/empathy from adopters but I wonder if you're really talking about a system that failed you in some way or things that you needed/need your own adopters to hear.

Of course I might be way off the mark with all this. But the thing is that, when you generalise, people will challenge you. But your own truth about your own experience is yours and no one can deny you that.

I wonder if it would be worth putting your energy into your own feelings and your own "healing" before taking on the system or adopters in general. I hope you're able to find some peace.

[combined02]

I am not furious about this thread. I am not furious about anything.

I said that reading and contributing to threads in adoption generally was like picked at an open sore, not this thread.

That's it. I have nothing new to say.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

I won't say pot kettle or anything else about the argument. It was ages ago. You have really made your point about how you feel about it. That's on here now. What else needs saying?

Give yourself a day. See if it's important to carry on tomorrow - honestly.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

No I'm ok with me thanks.

You're coming across as someone who is absolutely furious about an online argument which took place nearly a year ago. You say you can't help picking at it. I think that might indicate that you're not entirely rational (about this as opposed to in general) right now. I am suggesting you might be better off if you just left it. I think you know that that is good advice but I appreciate that you can't take it from me. That's fine. Maybe give yourself a day off though and see if you need to post again when you look at it tomorrow.

[combined02]

And before you say pot kettle black, then... well, I haven't called people names, or had posts deleted... (afaik)

[combined02]

Narnia, if you are trying to be nice, then maybe look back at some of your posts. Think about how they might affect someone, and then think of slightly more tactful, friendly, nice ways of making your point in future with others.

I have stopped picking because I have realised that there is nothing I can do about any of it at the moment. As I say, I wrote the post above just to clarify (not to you, but to anyone who reads the threads in the future) that I am not an arsehole or a prurient rubbernecker etc etc etc.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Just stop picking then! Honestly - they're just words on a screen. Letting it go will make you happier. Just click 'hide this thread' and it all goes away.

She said, you said, then I said... It was 9 months ago. Give yourself a break and permission to leave it alone now. Really.

[combined02]

Family that is somewhat disingenuous - have a look to see your username in your last post.

It has nothing to do with having things in proportion, Narnia. I was accused of crap on here and unfortunately that crap is on the internet to stay. if people associate me with that username and read threads I'd like them to see what I actually think rather than what I was accused of. Hope that makes more sense now.

I am not going to post on adoption anymore or read it (after this all goes to sleep if it ever does) because it is like picking at a sore for me. I posted while I was trying to work things out. I have and now I want out. If you don't want to let me go then... whatever.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

I have no idea what your second paragraph is on about. Of course, if I tell you that you don't have the skill to read a report you can come back at me. Since I've never done that, I'm assuming you are referencing my comment upthread about starting a thread about re-b.s if you feel we are all out of touch with the law. As I don't know what comments about re-bs you are referencing I'm in the dark.
I'm finding your posts quite strange particularly after the 9 month break and so I'm not going to discuss any further with you here - it's all a bit too odd.

[combined02]

I wasn't being hideously nosy. You referred to it yourself, and I said what do you mean and I then said you could tell me to mind my own. And what I said about development wasn't about you - because you hadn't replied and so I have no idea what the situation with your child is. And no, I am not going to ask.

And the next time you accuse me of having an agenda, and imply that I simply cannot possibly have the skill to read and understand a report by myself and in any event cannot be trusted to represent that report in a fair way without twisting it to suit my agenda, I will just tell you to fuck off. Fair enough?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

It doesn't quite work like that unfortunately. You don't get to drag up a 9 month old argument, threaten to flounce, fail to flounce and then tell everyone how to post.

Seriously if you can find ANYONE who thinks dragging up a 9 month old argument with a bunch of strangers on the Internet is a sign you have things in proportion I'll be really surprised. What are you getting out of this?

[TearingDownTheWall]

Family the fact that you didn't respond to me was exactly my point.
Well next time you are being hideously nosy about my child's private information I will just tell you to fuck off.

[combined02]

Yes, Narnia, now. Well, as soon as people stop posting anything aimed at me or about me.

If you would like the last word, make it a nice one.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

spend the time thinking about what really matters to you, trying to score points online or something more positive. Which is what i'll be doing soon I hope.

Yeah well honestly after 9 months don't you think that time might be now? Genuinely?

[combined02]

Absolutely.

[tldr]

I cba tbh, but the only times I'm aware of seeing ignorance about it is when people have said 'what's Re BS and why does it matter?'.

And let me decide for myself how I'd like to spend the day, eh?

[combined02]

tldr, find the case, read my post, find the other references to it on here - it is referred to as re bs and sometimes as the Neuberger case, and form your own judgement. Or... spend the time thinking about what really matters to you, trying to score points online or something more positive. Which is what i'll be doing soon I hope.

[combined02]

Family the fact that you didn't respond to me was exactly my point. Name changing - a few posters keep on trying to link Combined02 username with others, ie trying to "out" me, for whatever bizarre reason. In relation to your other comments you could apply those comments to yourself. As usual.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

Actually combined, read back. I didn't respond to you at all.

Re-B.S. I know a lot about it. I'm sure there are posters here who don't. If you want to discuss it, start up a thread. But i think deciding that there is "utter ignorance" about it here continues to show the utter arrogance and esteem you place on your own opinion.

Name changing - why on earth would you "out" anyone? You appear to have a strange fixation with being a custodian of this board nd managing our education as if we are one entity not hundreds of individuals. It's very strange.

[tldr]

Which ignorance surrounding Re BS are you talking about?

[combined02]

Ok, so I am going to stop posting when I can stop having to defend myself. What was said to me was disgusting in the context of what I have actually written as opposed to what has been assumed. It has taken 9 months because I was so fucking disgusted at some of the posters on here.

Familyvonstrop you could have said mind your own business but you didn't. You could even have said "fuck off". That isn't what happened is it? Instead I was accused of having a forced adoption agenda. And being an arsehole. And a prurient rubbernecker. Terms originally used by people who understood them but picked up and thrown around by posters on here who haven't a clue. I was accused of being part of the forced adoption clan and I have responded to that. And indeed the utter ignorance of what Re BS was actually about on here is really depressing.

As for name changes, have I highlighted the blindingly obvious name changes most of you have also made? And tried to "out" any of you? No. Because I respect the fact that for whatever reason you have decided to name change.

Hopefully the crap will end here and if so good luck to all of you.