2 adopted DCs and now im pregnant advice needed

[petpuddle]

So a bit of background, we (myself and DH ) were told we couldn't have any DCs. So after much soul searching we decided to adopt and we have two lovely DCs aged 8 and 4 who have been with us for a year. They have settled well after a few bumps along the way and we are so happy.

But I found out that I was pregnant last week which was completely unexpected and a total surprise.

Now we have two problems the first is how to tell the DCs and how to move forward because this is probably going to set everything back again and they are just so happy and settled and I feel guilty for turning their world upside down.

The second is other peoples reactions. We have only told a couple of people who I thought understood our family but one friend said that we should be exited to have a child of our own now and another family member actually asked if we were going to give our other DCs back now. Another friend suggested that we would feel differently about our adopted DCs when we had a biological child

We explained to these people that our DCs were family and that we loved them as our own DCS but they didn't seem convinced or suggested that when the baby was born we would see their point. These people were some of the most understanding when we were adopting and now we are nervous and we don't really want to tell anyone else in case they start saying something worse.

So does anyone have any advice on how to deal with any of this please?

Thank you for your advice and for sharing your experiences.
We have decided to tell the eldest first with the youngest at the ILs and then we are just going to go from there and see how best to play it.

DH and I have also made a list of things we can say to any rubbish comments so hopefully that will make it easier to deal with.

We have also been advised to introduce the topic of babies and siblings to get them used too thinking about the idea so we have bought some stories about siblings and we have been to visit a friend of mine who has a young baby and I am taking the DCs to babysit another friends baby for the day tomorrow so that they are more used to babies as we don't really know about any of their previous experience with babies so this will give us all an idea of how to approach things.

So we told them yesterday, partly because we had nothing to do this weekend so we could devote our time to them but mostly because I am starting to really show and I am not sure how much longer I can get away with wearing baggy hoodies on the school run and it was making me paranoid that a parent would notice.

So we told the 8 year old first. She was a bit unsure at first and kept repeating what we had told her like she was trying to take it in and work it out.
She was quite for a few minutes then she sat by me and said mummy I quite like being a big sister now so I think will really like being one again. She has kept asking questions throughout the morning ,how big will it be? When will it walk ? Will the baby like cake? Etc.

So then she went with FIL to walk the dog and then MIL dropped the 4 year old round.

We told him and he kept saying but I am the family baby , I'm supposed to be the baby brother. Which was difficult and we kept reassuring him that we loved him and he would always be our baby. He eventually calmed down and DH took him to play in the garden. When he came back he had calmed down and so we reassured him again that we loved him and nothing would change that and he had cuddles and played with his toys for a bit.

Then DD came back and she played with him and all was calm till bedtime. Then DS wouldn't sleep and he kept saying that he wanted a cot and he wanted to sleep in our bed like a baby. This annoyed DD as she wanted to watch telly with me but DS didn't want me to go and he was being too loud. Eventually he fell asleep and everything calmed down.

This morning it was like he had forgotten about it at first we had breakfast but then DD asked if she could tell the lady who lives next door. I said they both could if they wanted too. Then DS seemed to remember and he got upset again saying he wanted the baby to go away and then he tried to hit my stomach and hurt the baby so it would go away. DH took him out to calm down but this had upset DD who didn't want the baby to be hurt and go away so I reassured her.

DS came back and apologised and they calmed down and we got them dressed and went to the supermarket (they love it there) whilst there DS saw a baby doll in the toy section and decided that he really wanted it so we got it for him.

So he got it straight out and he has been playing with it since he has borrowed DD s old dolly pram and he is playing with it saying that it is his baby and that he is practicing being a big brother so we shall see how that goes.

Think you handled it very well - and brilliant that your DS is able to articulate how he is feeling. I am sure there will be ups and downs along the rest of the pregnancy but it sounds like he will get there. And your DD's reaction was rather gorgeous and sweet.

Keep us updated!

The new baby must be a gift from Mother Nature for the unquestioning love you've shown to two of her other offspring. I wish you the very best, you all deserve it.

Well done petpuddle you handled it really well. Hope all goes well from now on.

mumsypumsy this post is offensive and unhelpful in a generally very supportive area of mumsnet

I read your thread because for a minute I thought you might be someone I know, but they have 2 DD's.

I am really pleased for you- congratulations, and you sound like you've handled the situation really well and I'm pleased your DS is enjoying practicing being a big brother

You can never predict how any child will react to a sibling on the way, whatever their background.

You and your DH sound like lovely people and I hope you get to enjoy your pregnancy with the minimum of input from numptys.

Aw, bless your DS with his toy baby!

Well said WereJamming. Agree completely.

Yes, agree too, Werejammin.

This is nothing to do with adoption and birth children as such but one thing I would recommend is (if you can afford it) your dh taking extra leave when the baby is born.

When we had ds (both our kids are birth children) my dh took a total of 6 weeks off. (2 weeks paternity, 4 weeks parental). It meant that dd got lots and lots of attention from daddy and so didn't mind that mummy was busy sometimes. By the time dh went back to work and she got less attention, it felt like ds had always been there so she didn't associate it with him being born.

I still look back on those 6 weeks as a family of 4 as the happiest of my life.