2 adopted DCs and now im pregnant advice needed

[petpuddle]

So a bit of background, we (myself and DH ) were told we couldn't have any DCs. So after much soul searching we decided to adopt and we have two lovely DCs aged 8 and 4 who have been with us for a year. They have settled well after a few bumps along the way and we are so happy.

But I found out that I was pregnant last week which was completely unexpected and a total surprise.

Now we have two problems the first is how to tell the DCs and how to move forward because this is probably going to set everything back again and they are just so happy and settled and I feel guilty for turning their world upside down.

The second is other peoples reactions. We have only told a couple of people who I thought understood our family but one friend said that we should be exited to have a child of our own now and another family member actually asked if we were going to give our other DCs back now. Another friend suggested that we would feel differently about our adopted DCs when we had a biological child

We explained to these people that our DCs were family and that we loved them as our own DCS but they didn't seem convinced or suggested that when the baby was born we would see their point. These people were some of the most understanding when we were adopting and now we are nervous and we don't really want to tell anyone else in case they start saying something worse.

So does anyone have any advice on how to deal with any of this please?

Those comments were awful, really awful, but you can use them to prepare you for what your children might just wonder themselves or just in case some tactless, thoughtless person suggests similar in their presence. (Or the day when, in a teenage strop, one of your dds shouts at you that you love your third child more because s/he is biologically yours)

You can prepare phrases now, ready to use, for the day when that happens - Children arrive with us in different ways, but you are all my children and I love you all the same etc.

Or I treat you all differently, because you are all different, but I love you all just as much.

Of course I love you loads. I have known you much much longer than the new baby - it will take time for us all to get to know and love her/him etc. etc.

It's never a bad thing to be prepared. And in the meantime, many congratulations to you, your dh and to your dds too, who are going to be big sisters. I hope that, when the time comes, they will be very excited about their new status as "the oldest two".

Thank you for your advice

We do have sometime before people start to notice. I am passed the worst of the sickness (fingers crossed) we thought it was a really bad bug at first so that's pretty much as far as everyone else knows, as I ended up up going to the doctors after having the sickness for so long which was how we found out and so we weren't really questioned any further. Plus I rarely drink so no one will really notice.

Sorry I seem to have lost the other half of that post.

So Yes I think you guys are right that we need to present this in a really good/exciting way and reassure them as much as possible.

And DH and I will have to start talking about come backs to say for us and the DCs when people say stupid things.

The silver lining is this really tells you who the idiots about adoption are, so you can dump them!

Congratulations on your growing family!

A very dear relative of mine comes from a family just like this. It was also an international adoption so the siblings are of different ethnicities. They are now adults and extremely close. Of course there have been bumps in the road as with many families with a history of adoption. But it really seems to have worked out very nicely for the family. Incidentally there are often comments about the adopted sibling being favoured rather than the other way round although this is not at all the case - it is true though that the adopted sibling has had more to deal with and so has required more intensive parenting.

Your title made me smile. Congratulations.

I think it's pretty common for people to have biological kid(s) and then adopt, so to have a mixture is common. I know of 5 families like this and the kids all get on really, really well. Good luck and enjoy .

The significance is not that the family will be a mixed of children who joined by adoption and by birth but that the adopted children joined the family first. Normally adopted children are the youngest in the family for a number of reasons. But when this does happen I am sure that some children will handle things better than others. I know when I made a stupid comment about Gaviscon which led my kids to think I might be pregnant my adopted ds (4) was as excited as my birth dd (9 at the time). BUT I was not pregnant and quickly told them so.

I wonder about the wisdom of how to tell them. Telling them together or separately? If it might be possible to tell them on the same day but at different times? It would require some degree of co-ordination to do it right but I just wonder if it might be better. I am guessing your older child may have more questions and might need more reassurance. If you tell them together and then make them some time to be with each of them so that they can ask questions privately. Just my thoughts.

Congratulations op. This is the only appropriate response and I am flabbergasted that there is anything else to be said.

Italiangreyhound that is am interesting idea and I am trying to think how we could work it so that we told the DCs separately because I think you are right that the eldest will have more questions. Also if one reacts badly and one reacts well it would be better to have them separate so they can ask their own questions and have their own reactions and we can tailor it to each of them.

That is exactly what I was thinking. So if you want to tell them without DH there it would be relatively easy but if you both want to tell the children it would be harder!

Could you maybe arrange a play date for younger one and tell older one while younger is on the playdate, tell older one you will tell younger one at bedtime etc, so she is the first to know and knows that is a privileged position, then tell younger one when you and dh are together, maybe older one can have a later playdate, e.g. on a Saturday afternoon, same day just different times.

I know with birth kids you would not necessarily tell birth kids at a separate time but because their is quite an age gap and so maybe more of a wider experience gap between the kids.

But please do take advice on this, it is just my thinking which I see, is the same as yours.

Good luck.

Thanks italiangreyhound yes we are thinking that we could send the youngest out with the ILs in the morning and tell the eldest. Then ILs could drop the youngest off when we are ready for them and take the eldest out and we could tell the youngest.

Yes we are also getting advice

Great. I think you are so right, if one is more worried or concerned you can address their fears without the other having to hear stuff she or he may not have thought of!

Also you know your kids and how they handle things. So you can tailor how you tell to the one who is being spoken to.

Different situation but I had to tell dd (10) that the cat had been run over last week. He was dead and I very quickly made it clear that he had died. This was because many years ago a friend wrote to me and told me a mutual friend had died. But her long rambling letter started with him getting ill and going to hospital and it was a few pages before I realised he had died. It was more stressful not to know what was going on.

I KNOW this is utterly different but for example some people might start off with a 'how would you feel about a little brother or sister' or patter or tiny feet or whatever which is all confusing because the kids are not being asked to choose and they may not know what patter of tiny feet means! I am sure you are sensible enough to know this but I just sometimes thing people say things to kids thinking they will pick up what adults mean, and they sometimes do not.

But this is joyous news and your kids will hopefully pick up on your joy and your calmness and I am guessing you have had your 13 week scan so you know things are OK? I have heard of people who take their kids to the scan. Again, I am not sure of the wisdom of this if there is a chance of any problems.

Good luck, hope all is well.

Congratulations!!!

One of my best friends at school was his parents first and only bio child after 2 adopted children. I only met him at secondary school, but It was such a non-issue by then.

Congratulations!

Goodness, people are idiots!

I know that it's not in the same league but pregnant women with more than two children can often get asked if they are pregnant with their third if it was a mistake. And then told that it will be a disaster.
As do people with four kids of the same sex.
Or people pregnant after having a child with special needs
Or mothers over 40, or under 21
Or children who are 18 months apart.
The list goes on and on...

Frankly, your nuclear family is no one else's business.
Yes, there will be issues, but there are issue in every family to a greater or lesser extent.

Love is not finite. One of the most amazing things in the world is our capacity to love. Your lives, and those of your wonderful DCs, can only be enriched by this new baby. Bless you all.

Congratulations petpuddle, what a lovely surprise!

Your ILs taking the kids out while you tell them sounds like a great plan - I just wonder whether your eldest might want to be part of telling your youngest. Even if you tell him and work through his questions, he may not be feeling settled enough to head off out with your ILs straight away. Also, it's possible that being part of the reassuring process (your eldest helping reassure your youngest, along with you) might actually help that be more real for him. A bit like how sometimes you learn something best by teaching someone else. It's just a thought though, you know their relationship and them best.

WRT the awful comments, I find it helpful to decide in advance whose responses matter to me and who I might need to shut down if necessary! Just remember, you don't have to engage in a dialogue - something along the lines of 'this is not a discussion, this is a monologue. I'm telling you that this is the case (all my children are my own, or whatever it is) and we are not debating it.' I guess it depends on the your personality, the person in question and the situation but I do think sometimes people need reminding that they aren't being invited to comment or contribute but just to listen.

Yes I have had my 12 weeks scan and I had another just before that when we first found out to check everything was okay.

FatherHenderson your right I read on here all the time about comments people have been subjected too.

KumquatMay your advice sounds really good and your observations are spot on. I will remember that 'this is not a dialogue' if I ever need it.

When you do tell them could you perhaps make a family tree.

You could have photos of all the family members on the table, draw out the tree and put people's names where there photos need to go. The DC put the photos in the right place with these at the bottom and one more place for a scan picture and see if they can work it out.

They could keep the tree up in their room and maybe that'll show them that they are part of the family no matter how many branches or roots are added.

Hi OP this happened to me too!

I have two adopted DC who were 6 and 4 when I discovered I was very unexpectedly pregnant after 12yrs of infertility.

My situation is a bit different in that my DC had been with me for 3/4 yrs when I got pregnant, and I was in the process of divorcing their adoptive dad, I was single parent in a new relationship. I was also terrified!

I told them both at the same time (DD1 cannot be trusted with a secret and would've told DD2 immediately) in bed having s cuddle one morning. I said "you know how my tummy can't grow a baby? Well I'm really surprised because it's now growing one!" They were both excited for a few minutes then DD1 went into a RAGE screaming "you won't love me when the baby gets here!" Writing me angry notes saying "I KNOW you won't love me when the baby is born" "my heart is cracked" "I want to die" "you will love the baby more than me" etc I responded in kind, writing her notes saying "I WILL love you" "I am still you mummy forever!" Etc and I flung them at her as she flung hers at me. She sobbed and raged for hours at a time.

I turned it round and during a peaceful moment I "confided" in her that I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to love the baby as much as l loved her. She looked at me, shocked and appalled on behalf of her unborn sibling and told me off "mummy its your baby you HAVE to love it!"

The pregnancy was difficult. Although she was reassured, DD1 still had moments of rage, she attacked me, repeatedly said she would kill the baby when it was born etc

The baby arrived 18 months ago at 30 weeks (emergency c-section) and both DDs adore him and are very protective of him. He was in NICU for about 8 weeks which was difficult but also it meant that he existed but not in the home which may have helped with him being accepted. DD1 has lots of issues (see other threads) and still will threaten to hurt the baby when she's in a rage but hasn't harmed him at all.

Congratulations

They totally love him and adore him and are protective of him now

Congratulations! I've not got any advice because I have no experience here, but wanted to congratulate you because with such exciting news, it must have been AWFUL to have the first people you shared it with ask if you were going to give your children away. WTF!

Your family is growing and will be even more wonderful than it is now. Congratulations and good luck!

Congratulations OP!

And I love the idea of an ambling bosom (upthread)

Thanks Italian - having only scratched the surface on people's insensitive comments I am arming myself ready for when we make our adoption more public knowledge!

Congratulations pet.
Some people say the most ridiculous things. My sympathies. No one can tell you the dynamics you will face in the coming months, you will deal with it your way, for your family.
To add my experience to rains - I have two very different boys. The first is adopted and the second bio, there is nothing in me that says their differences are products of the different way they came to be part of our family. I don't have the experience, as rain does of the slightly older child and I'm sure that does make a big difference - my eldest was 4 when the youngest was born a year and a half ago. We have, of course, always been very open about the adoption (abandoned infant overseas) and he has never shown any concern. I thought perhaps the birth of his brother would provoke some reflection of his circumstances but it was not so. Just yesterday I was trying to find a TV channel for him and One Born Every Minute was running and he comments:
'oh (baby brother) grew in your tummy, remember mummy?'
'yes that's right'
'and me mummy, and me?'
'no silly, remember mummy and daddy came to (country) to bring you home when you were a very small baby...(various references to his book etc)'
'yes yes I know'
He wondered off to find Lego and came back 10 minutes later with a really distressed look on his face going 'oh mummy, oh mummy oh mummy' and I think okay here it, finally, is then...then he says 'oh mummy I need to do a really big poo'
I'm not trying to make light of anything, only to say we can only try and much as we can to support our children, whether adopted or bio as much as they outwit us at every turn.