Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

32flavours great news.

64 thinking of you all! Good luck.

Closer well done and don't let the b-s-ds grind you down!

Urgh, this is rubbish. It's only a week since panel and I'm already on the lookout (i.e obsessively checking email/phone) for news from our SW.

We haven't heard anything about what happens now we're approved but I don't want to pester SW just yet! Hoping pestering all of you is allowed though!

What is everyone's experience of post approval proceedings? Do you normally get a phone call when your SW has a profile to discuss? Do they tend to email? Or just vanish from the face of the earth until you crack and ring them?

Closer - I struggled at this point (I'm really impatient!) Our very nice SW said I could ring her anytime, but I didn't like to pester, so I emailed her a couple of times in the 3 months post-approval before we got THE call about DD.

I would do an occasional pester . Good luck staying patient.

Closerthan, I am sure I am not the only one who has found the whole matching period the hardest bit so far.

For what it's worth, immediately after panel our SW wrote a little 'advertising blurb' about us, for us to review, and then to be shared at exchange days within the consortium. So, not exchange days where prospective adopters go, but just SWs from different LAs meet up to discuss 'their' children and their prospective adopters.
I found that very reassuring because it showed that our SW was actively doing something, rather than just 'waiting' for something to turn up. I think when you feel confident in your SW and are periodically reassured about their activities on your behalf, the waiting is much easier.

Ours phoned (and the way she worded things I literally very nearly had to sit down on the pavement, my knees just went kind of wobbly), but I believe others e-mail, or call to mysteriously announce that they'd like to come for a meeting but without letting on what for, thereby making it very easy for us prospective adopters to remain calm and gathered. Not.

Some will show you several profiles at once, others will insist you make a decision about a profile before showing you the next one.

The one thing that ought to happen quite predictably, is for your letter from the agency decision maker to arrive. Apparently in some LAs nothing else is done until then. Good thing that ours isn't so stickly, as it took over a month for our letter to arrive (I think it's supposed to be about 10 days).

I think if your SW hasn't discussed what is going to happen post-panel with you, it would be perfectly appropriate for you to 'pester' her (maybe wait until the letter arrives) - just ask for an explanation/clarification of what is going to happen now.

Good luck - it's not an easy phase.

Thanks Rhinos and 64, will do my best to stay patient

I think despite our best intentions, we had visions of 'congratulations, you're approved! And all along we've thought you'd be perfect for this child. Here he/she is!'

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

I think, as you suggested, I'll give it until next week for the letter to arrive and if we've still heard nothing, I'll send an email asking for clarification on what happens now.

Hi Closer

In the same position as you having also been approved last week. In the past when I saw people posting a short while post approval saying how frustrating they found it
I thought (never posted) get a grip it's only been a few days- now I know exactly how they felt! I feel this is my comeuppance for being judgmental. Last week I was so happy but this weekend I feel that I'm no closer to being a parent (which I know rationally is not true!)

I have a new sw as my stage two sw was a student who has just finished her placement. My new sw called on Friday to tell me the decision maker had ratified my approval. I asked her what would happen next but realised that she'd already hung up! I have not received written confirmation yet so maybe nothing will happen until then. In the materials given to me by my LA at the start of the process it states the next step is a matching plan. I feel like I would like to talk to my new sw about matching criteria as although she has read my PAR (she was supervising the student) we have not discussed directly those issues.

Guess I will need to practice patience. Closer are you constantly checking your phone and emails like me.

We were approved a few months ago and I check emails and websites (signed-up to two of the three possibles) daily. It takes over your head.

It is faintly surprising that the agencies seem to be desperate for adopters, whizz you through then have hardly anyone to show you. Of course we have also had to, heartbreakingly, turn children down. When it's a case of 'this is for life' it all becomes very real. As we are also sending enquiries about children nationally via the websites, we get turned down too, which is also sad. It's a a very emotional rollercoaster and I can't wait til we can finally get off!

Choccy, you've hit the nail on the head, it's the mild surprise that there doesn't seem to be any immediate thoughts on matches that's got me. The new process means they have to get you approved quickly in order to look good in the statistics, and coupled with the constant drive for adopters it makes you think there must be so many children waiting!

I suppose if we were looking for a different age group/siblings it would be different. We're not looking for an issue free child (obviously!) but money, space and the fact that we do want to experience as much of their baby/toddler months as we possibly can means we are reasonably limited.

I hope you find your little one soon, it must be really hard to have to say no, and to be said no to. I'm not looking forward to it.

Dimples, we haven't even had a call to say we've been ratified yet (which SW said would happen) so you're a step ahead of me at least! I don't think we'd be being pushy just to ask what we can expect, do you? If I'm told that there's nothing on the horizon and to expect an update in a month, I could live with that.

As it stands, yes I am checking my emails and phone constantly. I'm reminding myself of what I was like with a couple of ex boyfriends!!

It's the helplessness of it all isn't it?

Hey dimples and closer and congratulations again - as 64 outlined LAs and agencies have such different ways of approaching matching once you've been approved that it absolutely isn't pushy to ask for clarification on their particular approach and what you can expect to happen next. It won't necessarily help with the wait but at least you'll know what is happening whilst you're waiting and what you are waiting for!

I remember that feeling well - I was expecting a call within weeks, definitely before Christmas. A really sad festive season as I felt so low. I had set my own expectations that we would have our baby home within a couple of months. Again, because we had been through a very quick process (old system) I was sure they had a child in mind. They didn't.

Thankfully DD was the first child we were approached about. That must be very hard.

Thanks all :-)

Going off on a tangent for a minute. I lurk on a couple of other adoption forums and am genuinely puzzled by the use of blue and pink instead of boy and girl. 'I'm linked with a blue.' 'Ideally I'd like a pink under 3.'

It doesn't seem to happen here. Luckily, as for some irrational reason it really gets on my nerves! What's wrong with boy and girl? Am I missing a logical reason for it?

Just realised we have been approved three months today.

drumsfingerswaitingformatch

I amsomewhat confused as I got a letter yesterday from the LA yesterday confirming that my approval had been ratified and to contact my student sw's supervisor who would now be my sw but then today I got an email from a different sw saying that they were my support worker and she wants to meet me.

I know it's silly but I feel all nervous again about meeting another sw and hoping that they like me (and understand me) and that I like them!

Closer it's like trying not to give out too much information whilst giving out exactly the same information...I don't get it either!

dimples chill, I expect they will love you, with a name like dimples you must be nice!

I don't think any of this really warrants it's own post so thought I'd sling my questions here in the newbies section. Apologies in advance if this is the wrong place to ask these questions!

Firstly, I am in no way asking you, "will I get a yes at panel", more like, these are our circumstances, what do you think our chances are of an agency taking us on? So don't worry about any advice/opinions you offer, I wont be taking it as Gospel!

Finances! My husband makes £22.5k a year. Will that be enough to be considered? I'm training to be a teaching assistant but until I'm qualified my placements are unpaid and more about getting the experience to complete the course, not being paid. I would also be looking to take a year or two off if we adopt so again we would be looking at us all living off the £22.5k potentially, although thinking about it husband actually gets pay rises quite a lot, his boss is lovely and really values him so it may be more than £22.5 when we start the process, but for sake of argument for now, we'll say £22.5k. WE live fine on that but will SS see it as a problem?

I had an abortion 12 years ago. I know it might seem a silly question but can I adopt if I've previously had a termination? As far as I know we are able to have our own biological children. I do not want to be pregnant, I was very ill when I was. I have no desire to be pregnant or give birth to my own. I know we're expected to "grieve" for the bio children we wont be having but I really really really do not want my own. I appreciate this will be explored in homestudy and throughout the process, I'm just wondering what my chances of are being believed that I have no desire for bio children whatsoever?

I'm 31 and for most of my 20s my job situation was not good, a few months here, few months there. I did move around a lot and was generally not very well (now being treated and totally controlled by medication, have already rang an agency and asked about that aspect and was told that as long as it is controlled then we can still be considered.) I also moved around a lot (lived in Gloucester, Cheltenham, Plymouth and Edinburgh) before meeting my husband, getting married and buying a house here. I also started a degree I didn't finish. I worry this makes me look flighty or flakey or something? Do you think this will be looked upon negatively? We bought a lovely new build house on a nice Taylor Wimpey estate in December last year, I am very settled here with my husband, we have two spare rooms and a lovely garden, we are right next to a canal which is full of ducks and geese that you can see from our house, all this hopefully should demonstrate to SS that the person who was moving around and skipping from one job to the next is in the past and I am now settled?!

The preparation/training course. I know types of abuse (neglect, sexual, emotional, physical etc) will be covered. I've been watching all the adoption documentaries I can find to try and desensitize myself a bit. I get very emotional when talking about child abuse and it's a huge possibility that I will cry when abuse is brought up. Will this be seen as a negative thing? As in I'm not strong enough to deal with that type of child? I know I have it in me to support and raise a child who's not had the best start but I know I need to convince others.

Our support network is good. Both sets of parents are within an hour of us and we get on. My Brother and Sister in Law have two children and are also within an hour of us. We have friends and family who I know would step in and help us if we needed it.

I'm so worried! I want to do this so much but I've managed to convince myself I wont be suitable.

I can't think of anything else really. Thanks in advance for any advice/opinions you can offer :)

Hopeful, nothing there sounds like it would rule you out. The best advice we were given at the start was to approach a few agencies. You'll be amazed at how different their criteria and attitude to different types of adopters can be - I guess it depends on the kind of children they have waiting to be adopted.
We had a few issues which we managed to convince ourselves would rule us out, but we've been approved a couple of weeks now.
Get in touch with a few agencies, and if you get a negative response from one, move on to another - worked for us!

Nothing you've mentionned should rule you out.

• You won't be the only person who gets visibly upset talking about physical/sexual abuse for the first time. It's difficult, and the SW's understand that. Your ability to deal with various situations is something that will be explored in the homestudy, and that's the time that decisions will be made about the kind of background factors you feel able to cope with.

• Those finances are fine. It's a myth that you need to be well off to adopt. As long as your income is covering your expenses and you aren't in massive debt, and your income will also cover raising a child, that's what they're looking for. You don't need to be making a certain amount of money

• Yes you can absolutely adopt if you previously had a termination. I expect it is something they will want to about a bit at some point during your homestudy. The reality is there are quite a few adoptive parents who have also had terminations, after all, about 1 in 3 women will have a termination in their lives.

In terms of grieving for your biological children, you often hear it, and it's more something which applies to couples/singles coming to adoption after fertility treatment. It's also important for anyone coming to adoption to have come to terms with not having a biological child, but it's a very different mental process if you've never had a desire to have a birth child. You will have to talk about why you feel this way, but they won't have expected you to grieve if it's not something you ever wanted. They will expect you to have given thought to it and be comfortable with your decision, but as I said, people coming to adoption via different routes have different emotional/mental journeys and processes they go through to get to the point where they committ to adoption.

• And with your housing situation, it sounds fine to me. You can explain it and talk it through, and that again is what they're looking for. How do you access the canal from your house? That's potentially something a social worker might be concerned about, it depends how easy it would be for a determined child to escape and get to it.

• I definitely second the suggestion of talking to at least 2 agencies, to find the best fit for you

Hope that helps!

HopefulWish good luck. Nothing you have said looks like it will rule you out. When you say you have no desire for biological children, the social workers will want to understand why that is, why you wish to adopt instead of have a birth child.

They will be more interested in you as a couple rather than the type of house you live in.

During the prep course we did we each had to read out something, I was so chocked up I could not read it out. The social workers were fine about that. I think they totally understand it. To some degree you do get desensitised but if it is about your own child, once they are placed, you may find you cannot be desensitised. I had a meeting and had to describe my son's early life and I got chocked up. It is not a bad sign, as long as you could control it around the child/ren.

All best wishes.

Oh no. We've been considering our very first CPR and have got a bit carried away. Everything seems perfect but fairly sure there will be a big choice of adopters. Must stay calm and level headed ...

Yes Closer be calm but you never know, good luck.

Fingers crossed for you Closer

Can I ask what sort of questions SW asked your family /friends during reference interviews?

From what they told me (which wasn't a lot) they asked about parenting styles (we have a BC), coping with adversity, our support network. Our SW told us she would be using them to check out whether everything we told her in our sessions rang true.

Mine just seemed to go over the written references that my referees and asked them to give examples and clarify a few points. They were all surprised by how unchallenging it was -they (and I) thought it would be more probing. That said I seem to have more references than most, 6 (and I'm single) and all were visited.