Newbies Part 2

[resipsa]

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

[Picklesontoast]

Congratulations 64 and hope it all works out for you all.

We've just been linked with a little girl! Matching panel mid July and then intros start mid August. My heart feels like it's going to burst! We were approved less than 2 weeks ago so my head is also bursting. Am working out provisional notice plans for going into work on Monday and would be grateful for any advice about whether you would recommend stopping work a week or so before intros begin to have some down time and charge the batteries ready for that time? So excited it's hard to think straight at the moment!

[resipsa]

Pickles - congrats!

[Italiangreyhound]

Pickles, YES, if you can stop work a week early, without too much hassle, then do! Wish I had.

[resipsa]

Can I bend your ears? Having a wobble. Unsure if I am sufficiently 'unselfish' to do this properly. On reflection (lots of that going on), I've led a selfish life which in part is why I'm here. Sure, I help out friends/family with time/money/an ear as everyone does. But I have never really put myself out for anyone - save DD but that seemed natural and necessary - as this process would undoubtedly require of me. What if it transpires that I just do not have the moral fortitude for it too far down the line not to have caused further damage to a child in need?

Do you have doubts?

[Italiangreyhound]

resipsa I am not sure if it is moral fortitude you need, empathy goes a long way. I cannot tell you if you can do this, I can tell you that there are times I do doubt my ability but overall I have never had such a strong doubt that I have really considered not going ahead, but I have had blips of 'Can I really do this'?

All I can suggest is read all you about adoption and what to expect, post your concerns here if you can (and if you want to) and see what others think, and maybe try putting yourself out for someone, and see how it feels. Try putting yourself in their shoes and see how they feel, see how you feel. Don't commit yourself to something major, just give it a go.

To be honest parenting my new ds is very similar to parenting my quirky dd! I want what is best for him, I want to be the best mum I can etc, but I also cut corners at times. It is called 'good enough' parenting. Kids probably get too much TV and too little fruit and veg (I offer they won't always eat it!).

I try and think of what they need and meet that need. I put their needs before mine in most cases.I personally try and value their opinions and thoughts as much as my own. I often find myself clashing with the super-nanny-minded and always have. The more I have read the more I feel the style I have of parenting works for me and my kids. And that is what counts.The miracle for me is that the love came very quickly for ds (I know I am lucky, it is not always that way) and so although it is still a sacrifice of my time and energy (quite precious this week as I am ill) it is rewarded as I am helping to build up two little people, what greater thing to do in life than that. That sustains me. But to sustain myself I also need to be a bit 'selfish' and make sure dh helps all he can with the kids and that the housework never takes priority over the family.

This is a very jumbled response, you may get more replies from experienced adopters if you start a new thread. Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

Also resipsa I am quite a selfish person who loves to delegate, when I can! It is my desire to please others and my inability to say 'no' which means I end up on lots of committees and helping out.

Since adopting I said 'no' to an offer of voluntary work, which I might in the past have felt I needed to say yes to! I felt proud I had managed to do that, avoid something I did not need. So sometimes being 'selfish' can be helpful in parenting, because if I was very stressed out over some extra voluntary 'work' I had taken on I would not have been there for my kids!

You are a birth parent so I expect you know exactly what I mean.

[Italiangreyhound]

I mean no-parents will know that too but resipsa you are already doing it for your birth child so it is just an extension of that. basically what myfeetarecold said, she said it well.

[Italiangreyhound]

I mean non-parents or rather not-yet-parents!!!

[resipsa]

Thanks you two. Well, our LA says we have to wait until November to progress our application as last IVF was in April. I understand why but am still a bit .

Where has everyone else got to? It's gone quiet on here.

Italian - how're DD and DS?

64 - what news?

Anyone else?

[Italiangreyhound]

We did last fertility on March and were told to wait until October. I tried calling them at the start of September and they were happy to come and see us later that month.

Had we wanted to we could have started that month, but because Christmas is a busy time for a lot of reasons we chose to start with the training in January.

You could try them a month early and just get the appointment booked, depending how they feel, and how busy they are, they may do it in October or make you wait until November, but at least you will be set. If you wait until November they may be booked up for a few weeks and then you really are getting close to Christmas.

DS is doing brilliantly.

DD is struggling a bit but she will get there! This evening, while DH put DS to bed, DD and I went out on a play date, slush puppy and chocolate cake together.

[resipsa]

Thanks Italian but after today I think we might be out of the running forever. DH has just been diagnosed with a tumour in his colon, probably cancerous. God, life is shit. Two m/cs, cancer and the loss of out beloved dog in 6 months. I give up :-(

[Italiangreyhound]

Oh resipsa I am so very sorry. Please just tackle this terrible medical issue and remember they can do lots nowadays to care for all kinds of things so it may not be as bleak as you fear. Whatever happens I really hope you will get the best care for dh.

[64x32x24]

Goodness resipsa, so sorry to hear that.

Wishing you lots of strength. Life is indeed unfair.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hey guys, wanted to pop back and give you an update!

We are excited, exhausted and generally nervous. Our new ds is here and has been for quite a few weeks now.

His behaviour has regressed since arrival (we are told it is normal). I love him, it is very clear and strong, but his behaviour can challenge. So it is a need to keep the loving and good stuff and fun times topped up to combat the stresses and bad times, for us all.

Today was a very good day. Friday was awful. But (whose who are Christians will know the phrase).... it's Friday but Sunday is coming!

[Italiangreyhound]

PS my biggest bit of advice at this stage is prepare well! Clear the clutter, get all those things done you need to do because time will be precious and clearing out the cupboard will rate low! So if you are a newbie and preparing then get those horrid jobs out of the way. I know it is obvious, but I did not do it totally and am now paying for it!

[lovehopejoy]

resipsa so sorry to hear about your DH...can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. That is really tough...Nothing i can say but I just hope you can both get the support and treatment that you need. Thinking of you. X
italian "Its Friday, but Sundays coming" love the phrase and of course great to hear that you're getting there...loving reading about your journey. I love that you ask all the questions others are thinking...or would think eventually given time!
We're just starting stage 2 (and are half way through building an extension!! Great timing! However I am at least de cluttering (or trying to!)...will keep at it!!

[Italiangreyhound]

lovehopejoy good luck. Remember unless it has special significance or value as a family heirloom do you need it? If it is not valuable or the spoon you ate your first Chinese meal with your DH (Just watched the 'Story of Us' last night! here) do you need it?

So remember, if you do not it then you can probably replace it if needs be! If you send it along to a charity shop someone else can make use of it/the charity can make money from it/and hopefully it will stay out of landfill longer!

I should talk to myself, my house is full or crap treasures!

[Italiangreyhound]

Remember unless it has special significance or value as a family heirloom do you need it? - I mean if you are not using it! If you are using it then clearly you do need it!!

[Choccyjules]

resipsa I'm sorry to hear the bad news about DH's health. You will need to focus on that, clearly, but never say never. I had cancer 2009/10 but was approved to adopt in April this year. While everyone is different I just didn't want you to think that has to be the end of your journey. It may be, or your needs may change as a couple, I don't know. Sending lots of nonMN hugs
And as to where we are up to, still waiting for a match. Truly the slowest and hardest bit so far.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry to hear it Choccy still waiting, you will get there.

[32flavours]

We've been passed into stage two! We've been stuck in a red tape nightmare since February and I was starting to think there was something seriously wrong with our application. It's such a relief and feels so good to know we'll be moving forward again as of next week. I wanted to share with people who understand what stage two is and how crappy it feels to be stalled for months on end.

[64x32x24]

Choccy, sorry to hear that there is yet no progress. I hope it happens quickly for you. I mean I'm sure it will all happen in the right time, but I hope that the 'right time' comes quickly!
How are you feeling about the process? Is your SW making a lot of effort on your behalf, or are you pretty much left alone? If I remember correctly, it must be about/nearly three months since your approval - will you go on the national adoption register and such?

32flavours, that seems like a long time to be stuck! Glad it's moving forward now. If your stage 2 is anything like ours, it will be over before you've realised!

As for us, we have a moving in date! And it's very soon! However, there are still some ifs and buts, so the tension is mounting... Actually, I'm not saying it right, the tension is HUGE. It's very hard for us at the moment tbh. I'm not quite clear how much of it is down to the regular hard-ness of adopting, and how much is down to the whole concurrency/FtA/legal uncertainty, and how much is down to certain individuals who are maybe not quite as good at their jobs as they ought to be. But I do know that I didn't anticipate this part of the process to be quite so hard, nor quite so drawn out.

[lovehopejoy]

32flavours were going to at about the same stage...we had our first stage 2 assessment this morning and have a provisional panel date!!
So far so good .
That does seem to have a really long hold up...you must feel very frustrated. Hopefully will all ho according to plan now!

[CloserThanYesterday]

resipsa, so sorry to hear your news, life amazes me with its unfairness sometimes. I never know what to say in these situations, but I really hope your dh gets well soon.

We've been to panel today where we were unanimously approved, but we felt strangely deflated afterwards. The chair gave us the good news, but with a lecture about things that we need to plan for/change, all of which we knew and had addressed in the meeting. We just felt it was a bit unnecessary/overkill, having already had a grilling from the panel. Felt as though we'd had a talking to from the headmaster!

Congratulations to everyone else moving through the milestones!