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Original poster

Drawing the line during home study...

87 replies

wonderinglots · 06/11/2013 18:49

Have NC'd for this.

We are well into our home study. During our home study we have done many things (including modifications to our home) that we didn't necessarily agree with, but did 'for the greater good' and have talked about countless things that we think only had a tenuous link to being relevant in our quest to adopt.

We are now being asked to do something that I fundamentally disagree with - My view is that the thing we are being asked to do is Orwellian. DH is fairly 'meh' about it. Any resistance to doing it will be seen as not being committed to the process (rather than the objection to the principal of being asked to do it - which is what this most definitely is).

We have been told not doing this is a deal breaker in our application so I'm not even sure why I'm posting this as we have no choice....

Have any of you have 'drawn the line' and refused to do something during home study? If so, what was the outcome?

OP posts:
Maryz · 13/11/2013 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 13/11/2013 16:40

Just so we're clear, I presume the sperm was stored before your husband was infertile? Otherwise surely it's a moot point if you are fertile?

Kewcumber · 13/11/2013 19:59

No contraception insistence here either - presumably single women can;t get pregnant. Until a week before I was travelling when I got the famous sex talk.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 13/11/2013 22:09

Kew I'm relatively new. Please give details of the infamous sex talk which I have now heard mentioned several times.
Grin]

And OP sorry for the derailment. What.have BAAF said?

Kewcumber · 13/11/2013 22:10

I'm not sure its suitabe for this thread. Will dig it out and give you a link

namechangesforthehardstuff · 13/11/2013 22:53

Many thanks. I think it's really nice that they provide such a range of services. Like a one stop family planning shop...

fossil971 · 13/11/2013 22:56

Can you ask them to postpone the decision and have it discussed at your approval or matching panel? I would hope the panel (who include a broad range of people) will not uphold this view if they have confidence that you are rational people who are going to put the needs of your adopted child first.

Inthebeginning · 23/11/2013 12:11

Op I hope you don't mind but I spoke t our social worker about this when we saw her yesterday. She was horrified. said that there was no need whatsoever for it. asked if you could just lie to them! said it is perfectly within your rights to have it and instead could you have a contact drawn up that you would not use it within x many years of adopting.
Don't know if that helps.

RabbitRabbit78 · 23/11/2013 17:52

I would give the BAAF helpline a call if you haven't already. They were very helpful to us when we were being told to do something we felt was without justification. In our case BAAF explained it better so we could see the need - however in your case I think they will say that you are being asked to do something unreasonable. LAs and SWs within them can be something of a law unto themselves sometimes and depending on who was talking to us we were given different information/advice at different points. The same goes for people who sit on adoption panels. BAAF know their stuff so should be able to advise.

It took us a very long time to get to approval but we were matched and placed quickly, so please don't lose hope. I know of others IRL who were told ridiculous things, went away and researched and then (gently - and successfully) challenged what had been said. Don't lose your rag with anyone though because they could well interpret it as you not complying with their wishes so not "wanting" it enough.

Original poster
wonderinglots · 05/01/2014 21:20

Hi everyone - I thought I'd come back and give an update.

We spoke to someone at BAAF who was great and told us that the request was unreasonable; further, should it become a 'qualifying determination' in any rejection (either of our application by our agency at this late stage, or at panel), we should appeal via the Independent Review Mechanism, where, they believe, our appeal would be upheld.

We went back to our agency with this who then went to their panel chair, who told them 'it would be unethical' of them to request this of us.

Our agency has essentially now retracted the request, although we have been warned this may be raised at panel as it's become a bit of an 'elephant in the room'. Hey ho.... We know we're right and will, in a very calm way, articulate our argument.

Ironically, this has meant we have been able to go back to thinking about destroying the sperm on our own terms, i.e. without this ultimatum clouding the issue and as a result we are probably going to destroy it as we were before... we know we want to adopt and surrogacy isn't for us.

Anyway - thank you SO much to everyone for your support and ideas, especially Kew and cedar12. Without your input we really wouldn't have had the confidence to challenge our agency on this when the stakes are so high.

OP posts:
TwistAndShout · 05/01/2014 21:24

That's really good news and so great to hear an update. Hopefully you can now move forward and make the right decision for you. Good luck.

Devora · 05/01/2014 21:39

That is such a relief - it was a ridiculous thing for them to ask and completely unfair to you (and yes, unethical). All fingers crossed that you have a speedy and smooth journey through approval and matching.

sykadelic15 · 05/01/2014 22:07

I'm so glad! I read what they asked and couldn't believe that was allowed and agree it should be your choice! I'd never heard you couldn't adopt as well as have birth children.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2014 22:10

Excellent news, very glad. I completely understand how you feel and as someone who had fertility treatment and had items stored I would have hated for anyone else to make decisions about it other than us. A victory for common sense and you.

Best of luck.

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/01/2014 07:22

That's great news , glad someone saw sense. Good luck with the rest of home study and panel

cedar12 · 06/01/2014 09:15

Great news. Good luck with the rest of the process. Smile

Lilka · 06/01/2014 09:23

Great news! Good luck with panel, I'm sure they'll be fine with it Smile

KristinaM · 06/01/2014 09:35

Thanks for updating us. Please let us know how things go at panel, if you want to Smile

MyFeetAreCold · 06/01/2014 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NanaNina · 06/01/2014 13:49

I am so glad that this VA has been "brought to book" on this totally unreasonable request. I could barely believe what I was reading and as some of you know I am a retired sw and tm mgr in a Fostering & Adoption team for the LA.

I think it would be totally unacceptable for this issue to be "brought up" in panel as it would be potentially humiliating to you both. I was a panel advisor for our LA when Panels had to be chaired by Independent Chairs and as part of my role I read all the paperwork for panel. If I thought there was something in the assessment that was pertinent but had been fully covered by the assessor I would ask the Panel Chair to ensure that this matter wasn't brought up at Panel. If there were issues that were of concern but had not been fully explained then I would ask the assessing social worker for further explanation/clarification to prevent applicants getting questioned at the Panel.

I don't mean that issues should be swept under the carpet and of course the Panel is not there to "rubber stamp" a sws's recommendations but in view it is extremely difficult for applicants to walk into a room with possibly 15 or so strangers and then have to be asked embarrassing questions.

Could you request that this issue is not raised in the Panel. All it should take is for the Panel Advisor to have a word with the Chair about this "hot potato" and that it is confined to the dustbin where it belongs!

KristinaM · 06/01/2014 16:53

I agree completely with nina. It was completely inappropriate that you were asked to do this in the first place and you shouldn't have to worry about it being raised at panel .

Choccyjules · 08/01/2014 14:28

Thankyou for your update, am very glad to hear they are backing down on this. Silly people!!

Bananaketchup · 08/01/2014 19:54

Thanks for coming back to update, and well done for calling them on this - I hope behind the scenes someone got called to account for such a ridiculous demand. Wishing you an uneventful panel!