Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

leaves for work>

Today I got somewhat to the bottom of DS recent violent outbursts - his teacher has been off sick for a couple of weeks. I hadn't realised how much it had affected him but she mentioned it to me this morning and how clingy he was with her now that she is back. I saw how upset he looked when he thought she wasn't in this morning and suddenly realised how attached he had become to her and it was separation anxiety. I recognise it when it happens with me but he's never reacted the same way with anyone else.

It was interesting though because his teacher recognised the issue and mentioned it to me - most people won't accept that DS gets separation anxiety above the norm, they all dismiss it with "oh all kids get that" and say how sociable and confident he is. He is social and confident - it not the same thing and they recognise clingy children who are shy and lack confidence but becasue they have no experience of children who appear to be confident and still have separation anxiety they just refuse to admit it exists.

That sounds like I spend my life desparately trying to convince random parents that my son needs to be specially nurtured doesn't it?

In fact I no longer mention it to anyone as I have experience of being dismissed everytime I've even mentioned it in passing.

They also don't notice it because we have an established way of dealing with it in small routines that most people wouldn't notice - a set way of saying goodbye and a set bedtime routine (DS sees bedtime as separation) which comforts him. The teacher has noticed our routine and commented how unsettled he is if something disturbs it. I have come to the conclusion that she is a very good reception teacher!

Of course the trick now is helping him learn to cope with changes without having a set routine every time - any advice?

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Just wanted to pop in from the other tea room to say good morning (it's very early morning in my time zone) and say I'm gobsmacked that anyone should think we're glamorous ... you've obviously never seen me stumble in disheveled and puffy-eyed, crying out for something caffeinated... or alcoholic

Please let us know if you'd like to borrow any of the butlers (David, George, Daniel or Gerard), and feel free to come by and raid the cappuccino bar .

How are you love?

(BTW I've nothing on-topic to add but I'm not surprised to read so far that people can be as tactless about adoption as they can be about the choice (or lack of choice) of having one child.)

Hello everyone! What a lovely bright place this is, I'll have a slice of Victoria Sponge and a cuppa please, if I may!
Well, I am the proudest mum in my world to my two adopted DS's - they came together at the end of 2004 and are now aged 10 + 8 - they are the centre of my life (along with DH of course!)... I simply adore being a mum! The process of going from 2 to 4 was incredibly hard as both came to us walking and talking with a whole host of emotional baggage and lots and lots of toys! However we have crossed all hurdles thus far, the next one being the eldest moving to secondary school in September.
DS1 has attachment difficulty but I am so proud of how well he is doing, over the past 18 months he has come on leaps and bounds and is unrecognisable from the little wounded scrap that came to us in 2004. DS2 is a cheeky monster, full of fun and always getting up to mischief.
Sadly there can never be a reunion with b-mum in this lifetime and they both have periods of grieving for her but we hold them tight and reassure them the best we can. Delightful comment from DS2 during a recent rocky patch, having explained to him that if we lived in a perfect world he and his brother would be with b-mum and would not know we even existed, he responded with a tear streaked face, that he was so glad it wasn't a perfect world as me and his daddy were the best parents in the world..... Blast, tears on my keyboard!

Hello all!

I am ok thanks, been better but been worse

Hows you?

(JM, they're not allowed to borrow Mellors though - I know he's been twilighting on the therapies threads already - he really won't be able to cope with ANOTHER job what with all of his duties in the other tearoom)

Oh hello all

Does this tea room serve coffee? I'm feeling the need for caffeine! Yes? Great - regular latte please :-)

Just popping in to say 'hi' as I might be asking for yr help next month I have offered to have my friend's adopted dc for a week to give her some respite, she's a single parent and has had dc 6yrs - has come on amazingly since then but behaviour can sometimes be "challenging" :) I get on really well with dc but when they stay she's usually here to do the boundary keeping duties and I'm the fun benevolent "auntie". Actually I'm rather chuffed she trusts me to do this - so can I have a slice of that delicious looking cheesecake to celebrate ?

(Feel a bit shy for some reason!)

I'm a 28 year old adoptee, I hope you don't mind me posting? I'm so curious about adoption of all sorts. DH and I are having a last go at ttc before we are definitely sure we would like to apply to adopt. We have one ds who is 4 in Sept and amazing.
My adoption story is fairly simple! My bio mum was (from info given) 25 when she had me, whilst she was pregnant she moved from her home town (to avoid people knowing). I was adopted (officially) at 3 months old, having been placed at 6 weeks. I have all the paperwork - suprisingly little, I bet it's vastly different now!)

So, I'm not sure how I fit in here, as I don't remember the process, but I love reading all the threads, and if anyone ever wants a success story I hope I can help, having been adopted by two brilliant parents. I have a non-bio sister as well.

misspollysdolly - come on in - we don't bite!
loiner- feel free to visit anytime with or without your friend's dc
GeekCool - of course you fit in here. The cafe was open to provide a safe haven for adopters, adoptees, would-be adopters, birth parents, siblings, adoption professionals (practising or retired), well-behaved dogs and friendly visitors from other tearooms.

Did I forget anyone?

*was opened

We never close

misspollysdolly, come sit in this chair I have pulled up for you.

GeekCool, we've been sharing the best brownie just for you.

loiner and mistlethrush, nice to see you

bran, my deadbeat dad is from Dublin - Tallaght, is that right? Is it well rough?

I had a lovely day with dd2, most of it spent by the river feeding the ducks. She is VERY keen on ducks. And dogs. After picking up dd1 from school and taking her to drama class, we were walking home when we spotted a couple of girls from dd1's class in a local park. We stayed and played with them awhile - dd2 was THRILLED that they had an alsation with them, which she pursued relentlessly. It was a young dog, very good natured, but it was hard to keep dd2 from sticking her fingers in its nose, eyes, bottom - and trying to mount and ride it. It felt like a MN thread in the making...

Anyway, both girls were a bit hyper when we got home, and I couldn't get dd2 to sleep till 8pm and dd1 till 9pm. So am now sitting here, exhausted, looking at my shitheap of a house and trying to summon the energy to start blitzing it.

Ooh Hester - do you have a deadbeat Dad too? We must compare notes some time

He is a complete parenting carcrash, Kew. I look forward to comparing atrocity stories

Thanks, Jack, you're a brick. Will Google David B and see if he meets my exacting standards for a butler

Does anyone else find that their DC are very eager to please? I know this is not a trait exclusive to adopted DC (and indeed many a-DC aren't in the least anxious to please) but it's something I notice at times in DD.

We have raised her very gently and have not used punishments or consequences, partly because there is no need as she is innately well-behaved. I was actually quite pleased to witness her flounce out of the living room this evening and almost slam the door because DH and I were tormenting teasing her about her toy dog.

Like the idea of the tearoom! Intro -many of you will already know some of my story ( am quite careful in what I say on here though) Although on Mumsnet for a loooong time (03/04?) don't have nearly as much time now (be warned those of you who have young children and think one day you'll have more time!) - the demands just change but teenagers can be time consuming and my work has increased over the years! We have teenage girls adopted from India - tried to adopt here but married to someone of Indian origin and as I'm white British - our SS didn't need us " we can't place an Indian child with you or white child and we never have any children in care that are of your particular mix etc etc We are glad now because our journey to adoption though hard was an interesting one. Like Kew did time on my own in country ( 2 x 3 plus months) a challenge and couldn't have done it again although would have liked more children - now feel that 2 was right for us.
Mediumpretty - yes I used to think that of ours - too conforming and thought it was a sign of their insecurity? They have so far ( and aware that it could change anytime) also been very easy teenagers but not worried about this funnily enough!
Current issues - wending our way through education, trying to ensure they have what is necessary to move on to next stage of their lives. It's gone so quickly can't believe it no time at all since they were starting school!

Thank you for making me welcome

Mediumpretty an honesty box used to be rattled half heartedly sometimes in the other tearoom - but it got left behind in one of our moves - anything 'essential' gets moved with us of course, however out of place it might look in its new surroundings (eg the distressed chintz sofa is currently skulking in the shadows in the hanging gardens of babylon, rather put to shame by the gold sofas which appear to be equally comfortable). However, we have managed to keep the aspidistra alive, despite JM's best attempts to hijack it - and here is a small offshoot for this tearoom - no respectable tearoom should be without one [but you'll need to protect it from JM]

Toast anyone?

Cinnamon toast for me, please.

beemail, I can never quite get my head around not being to place a white child with parents where one is white and the other isn't. I completely get why it is less than ideal (though still sometimes the best solution, IMO) to place a minority ethnic child with white parents. But what is the problem with placing a white child with one white parent and one non-white parent?

I have a friend in this position - a white woman married to a Turkish man, who wasn't allowed to adopt a white child. As she said, it was hardly as though a white child would be cut off from its heritage, given it would have a white mother and live in the UK...

Is it that they think children should look like they 'belong' to both adoptive parents equally? But lesbian and gay couples adopt, and they certainly don't look like they belong together biologically.

Friends of ours waited AGES to eventually find an 'appropriate' race baby because they're indian - but they have, eventually, luckily.

I still um and ah and wonder whether we should start on the adoption route and see what happens - we always wanted two. Possibly if we were in a more financially secure situation we would - but dh lost his job for 14 mo and we're still dragging ourselves back from that disaster. Ds would make a fabulous big brother though.

maryz, I met a really nice lesbian couple recently, who adopted a little boy last year. They first saw him on CWW when he was tiny, got turned down at that point because they weren't a close enough ethnic match. A year later he was still available and this time they got matched with him as close enough. After placement, new information came to light that he was an entirely different ethnic mix altogether...