Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

It always strikes me when I talk to adopters how considerate they are of the children and birth families in the adoption system.

There can be a perception that adopters are so desperate for a child they think of nothing else. That they think of themselves and their desires only.

And here is lettingo almost apologising for wanting her little girl from Russia

I wish you all the best lettinggo and what your nan says is spot on.

(I hope I worded that properly and it came out the way it was intended)

NN, you're one of the gang and that should be able to withstand the odd spat, so whenever you feel ready to come in from the rain the scones are on me

Nice day here: dd1 continued with the exhausting social whirl that is her life, off to some party (she came back with her face painted like a cat, party bags full of chocolate, assuring me very solemnly that all she had eaten was a slice of ham and a piece of bread - she is a shockingly good liar). dd2 and I were going stircrazy hiding from the rain, so I took them to dd1's school, which was having a special open day for its nature trail. Of course the rain caught up with us, so we had to take refuge by the cake stall...

Must go, I have to do a job application tonight (the chances of me NOT being made redundant in the next six months are melting away).

MediumPretty Thank you! I don't like tea but instant coffee made with milk will be smashing - especially drinking it in the company of this knowledgeable and friendly lot :)

Lettingo My dd is from a different cultural background to us. Your grandmother is absolutely right! Unfortunately we have come across a few small minded bigots but DD has learnt that the problem is theirs - not hers. The vast majority of people esp family, neighbours, schoolfriends etc have welcomed her and accepted her for the wonderful little girl that she is.

Those who voice their own predjuces do not matter a jot. They are not welcome in our little world and their thoughts and opinions are their own. We laugh at their naivety, knowing they will come unstuck at some point. Unsurprisingly these are usually people who need to look at their own morals, values and practises before putting other people down.

The top and bottom is Your children are the most important people in the world. Bollocks to anyone who cannot see past the end of their nose.

Wishing you the best of luck and hope you have some exciting news to tell us soon.

Thanks for that, fish and Mrs Devere. I'm ridiculously optimistic. I just "feel" that this is our time at last. My Dh is being more guarded about things, we've come through a lot and he's afraid of another crash.

By the way, it was my lovely mother who made the comment about families being made of love, not blood. I don't have a gran sadly.

While I'm waiting for my tea to cool, can I brag about my beautiful son? About 3 years ago, when he was 7, we were driving home from a friend's house. At that time, we were hoping to very soon be adopting a child from Vietnam.
On the drive home he said;
"You know my little brother or sister from Vietnam, where will she grow?"
"She'll grow in another mammy's tummy in Vietnam"
"Why will that lady not be her mammy?"
So I explained all about the 2 child policy in Vietnam, about the poverty etc etc.
A few minutes later, he was sobbing in the back of the car.
I said "Don't be sad. This little girl will be so happy with you as a brother, me and Daddy as parents etc etc".
And he said (I've tears rolling now while I think about it )
"I know WE'll be really happy, and I know SHE'll be really happy, but the mammy whose tummy she grows in will be sad having to say goodbye to her."

Isn't he just the most gorgeous hearted child?

I'm hoping that if/when our adopted child comes across the bigots, DS will be there to shut them up help her deal with it.

Your ds sounds so lovely, lettinggo. He'll be a great big brother

dd1 (5) said to dd2 (1) today: "Gorgeous baby, are you happier in our family or in the house you were at before?" dd2: "Gah bam blagga doo da". dd1: "You see, Mum! She loves us best!" She is a very devoted big sister.

That's so cute, Hester! Remind her of that when they're fighting over clothes and make up when they're teenagers

one of the things which wind me up most on forums like this is people who announce that a particular post is "correct" or "worthwhile" or similar without having any history of sharing their story/hopes/fears for their children (or themselves if they are adopted) and think that anyone is going to pay the least attention to it.

I know Nananina could be a bin man for all I know but given that we take a degree of what people say on trust, she at least lays out her goods on the stall (as it were) so we can decide for ourselves how much weight we give them.

On another forum I run, I do a twice yearly annual role call where you have to state where you are in the adoption process and some background. My opinion (and my word is law because its my forum and its small enough to do this) is that if you want to read and share peoples stoeis then you need to be decent enough to share yours too.

I don't read the SN boards - do people with no stated connection with SN wander in and randomly post comments? Why would you bother - I can;t imagine why anyone on there would welcme my input unless they'd asked for it on a general thread

Anyway more iportantly I had tea and scones in M&S cafe for breakfast this morning

Hester I pm'd you about meeting - are you ignoring me [wounded emoticon]

Of course anyone else who lives near me is welcome to join in - Pretty you're not in West London area are you?

Lilka - DS (5) is also way more interested in birth father than birth mother but I'm absolutely sure that its due to a curiousity about having a father not any deeper feelings (at this stage) about birth fmaily.

At the moment he really doesn;t want to hear that he grew in someone elses tummy. He knows and I mention it very occasionally but he chooses not to listen IYSWIM.

I dont mind sharing where I am. Not everyone knows my story so it may help.

I have 5 children 4 of them birth children 1 adopted and sadly my birth DD died 5 years ago.
My DS2 is adopted. He is now 8.
He came to us via an emergency placement when my OH's relative was ejected from a m&b unit.
We fostered him from 8 weeks and was heavily involved with b.mum trying to get her to a place where she could care for him.
It didnt work out and we adopted DS when he was 2.
He is mixed race like my b.children but with quite a bit more of a mix!
He has SNs and is utterly brilliant.
No contact at present due to b.mum's behaviour. Door is open but ball is firmly in her court.

Thats it really

MrsDV - I assumed everyone knew your story?!

I assume that everyone knows regular posters stories and where people who are not so well known post they almost without exception state their "credentials" as it were - Pretty the OP and lettinggo are two good examples on this particualr thread.

I'm just a bit bemused why anyone who has no hisotry on the adoption threads would randomly wander on and make a statement like it has some weight without at the very least (particularly a random chat thread rather than one asking for opinions) mentioning why they're bothering to comment.

I don;t know why I find it bemusing becasue the one thing that the adoption process taught me was how many people felt the right the have an opinion on my actions and had the compulsion to inform of it.

I became quite a dab hand at smiling sweetly and saying "of course you're perfectly entitled to your opinion just as much as I am entitled to not have to listen to it".

Just for clarity NN - I consider you to be a regular poster whose "story" we know

kew I chose to ignore TBH.

I also consider NN a member of the club.

There are loads of places where people with no experience or knowledge of adoption can voice there opinion, surely its not too much to ask to have a bit of peace on ONE thread?

OK, I'm up for an introductory role call.

I am married with one DD aged 6 and a half. We adopted her from China when she was 1 year old. The whole process took three and a half years and this was during the wonderful time when, once your papers were logged in China, the wait for a referral was around 8 months (currently it's five years ).

The majority of our time was spent persuading our LA to do the homestudy, we were low priority because they were hostile to inter-country adoption. The whole process was extremely stressful but we have a happy little girl who is now in year 1 and loves school, swimming, dancing, life ... She had been very well cared for by her foster family in China who seem to have laid very strong foundations and I will be eternally grateful to them because I'm not sure I would have done such a good job. (She was in orphanage for first six monthd, then FF). No attachment problems thus far.

We had intended adopting a second child but our LA had outsourced their ICA to a VA who insisted we would have to start the homestudy from stratch. I couldn't face it, the wait for a child in China had started to increase and I was happy being a mother of one.

I have been a SAHM since the adoption and now need to find a way back into the workforce for my sanity's sake but DD has other ideas!

it bugs me when people do this but -

scratch not stratch!

... and in any case anyone has managed to avoid hearing me mouth off: I am a lesbian mother, with two daughters. First is my birth child, aged 5, second is adopted, aged 20 months. DP and dd2 are both black, dd1 and I are white. We are definitely the odd family in the affluent suburb where we live: one mum said to me last week, "We love having you here! You make us feel so liberal and tolerant and we can boast at dinner parties that our community is actually quite diverse!"

Kew -

I would NEVER ignore you. Am rushing off to respond to you RIGHT NOW.

Well I guess I'd better have my say too then seeing as I rasied it

46 year single parent with a 5 yr old DS adopted from kazakhstan (close to border with Novosibirk lettinggo if your proposed region is anywhere near there..)

Met DS at 11 months spent 3 months with him in Kaz (about half visiting daily without custody and about half with custody in a rented flat) before getting all of the paperwork.

Like most 5 yr olds DS has no real understanding yet of his adoption but loves the stories of me meeting him at the babyhouse and what it was like there. Much more interested at teh moment in why he doesn't have a Daddy but even that he seems to take reasonably in his stride.

I too add diversity to our area being a single mother on benefts (or about to be) with a mixed race child who is an immigrant

Ok me too, me too.
I'm 41 and have DS (10) from our first ever fertility treatment.

Applied to adopt in Dec 2004, eventually was assessed by the HSE and got our declaration in Oct 2008 and applied to adopt from Vietnam. We were near the top of the VN waiting list when it closed in Oct 2009.

Licked our wounds for a while and then applied to Russia in March 2011. Eventually registered in our region (south of St Petersburg so no where near your ds, Kew) August 2010 and we were told it would be 3-6 months for a referral. Then in April we were told we would get a referral on Holy Thursday which didn't happen. Now we're waiting and hoping that the little 8 month old girl who is waiting for a family will still be waiting on June 30th when she becomes available for international adoption.

It's been a very long road.

We also provided respite foster care for a child I used to teach from when she was 8 to 16 years old. She's had some very hard years, or should I say those around her have had the hard times, but she's doing well now. She's 17 and is still in school and that fact alone is a great achievement. She has an attachment disorder (among other labels) and that scares me about the child we are about to adopt. She and DS are the best of friends and it's been a really positive relationship for both of them. It's what I used to constantly remind myself of when I felt like killing her. And it's why she'll always have a place in our family.

I also have a beautiful dog who has a big place in my heart. DH insists he's a purebred springer spaniel (searched the internet for the closest purebred he looked like) but he's really a gorgeous mongrel.

Okay, my introduction, for those who don't know

I'm a lesbian mum of three, all adopted from foster care in England. DD1 was 10 when she moved in, and is 25 now. She has overcome so much I can barely believe it, I'm sooo proud of her. She struggled with attachment issues and complex PTSD but now she and I are very attached and pretty close (although she distances sometimes, she always lets me back in quickly), she managed to get 3 GCSE's, she has held down a shop job for years, and she's happily married :)

DD2 was 8 when she moved in, and is 15 now. She's the most tricky of the three, and she also has attachment issues, developmental delays (possibly FAE, but no way to tell now) and PTSD, but she is a loving girl and has a good sense of humour. She's getting on well in her special school, does quite well in her therapy, and she's ok at home with a solid routine and structured activities. She loves craft work, bike riding, and wants to own a pet snake (no way!!!!!!). She struggles with her feelings about her first family, but she loves her other mum very much

DS is 6, moved in at 23 months. He is very cheeky, hyperactive, loving, and also has a very good sense of humour (albeit a six year old one, but I think he'll be seriously funny when he's older!). He's DD2's biological half brother. He loves playing outside, especially climbing trees and making all his clothes as filthy as possible. I think his understanding of adoption is pretty good, he isn't that interested in his first family atm, but he knows his story and happily picked out which of his drawings to send to his first mum when I wrote her a letter a little while back. She loves to see her older half siblings (she has over 15 siblings, some we see, some we don't, but we are in contact with all known ones!)

I didn't really know a lot about adoption when I went in, but I had worked a bit with some troubled kids, many of whom were in care and had been abused, so I guessed I might face some issues. But in 1995 attachment wasn't a well known word, and I was never told anything about the difficulties adopted children would face. I sure got a wake up when DD1 moved in, she was very very difficult at first, and again went backwards when she was 13, and I know I considered disrupting a few times at first. But WE GOT THERE in the end :)

I'm very proud to be their mum, and very proud of my 'adoptive mum' status! I don't hide the challenges, but I'd love for more older children to get families, so it's great to here about it

ps. I'm sure I also add diversity to my area! I'm right on the border of very middle class area, so I get judgey people giving me the evil eye a lot - aside from being single and gay, I have an unruly teenager with problems, and an adult child with (in their silly petty eyes at least) a 'chavvy' name and barely any qualifications (they are shocked that I don't care and am beyond proud anyway, since a lot of them are the ambitious type, who go bankrupt sending their kids to private schools, poke fun at people like me, and gosh! their kids can do no wrong, because aren't they just so perfect ) Oh, and my youngest has problems in school, but no diagnosed SN! Since most of them don't know anything meaningful about me and my kids, I think in some quarters (DS playground at school especially) I have a repuatation as a bit of a shit parent

Now whether I give a flying fuck is another matter. Nope, I know who my friends are :)

ooooooh shall we talk about 'chavvy' names

I am sure most regular posters know my story by now. Foster carer for 22 years. Adopted one child of different ethnic origin, DD now aged 10 - and DS just turned 8. Both wonderful children with a shitty past. DD has contact with birth family. DS does not.

NanaNina can we make a date to meet back here this evening? I have some ice slices from Gregg's.

Kew can I ask if you have encountered any ridiculous comments from Joe Public yet?

I think the absolute worst for me was the week after DD attended Court for her Adoption Order - and very proud and excited she was too. Just as she was coming out of the school doorway, after school, a mother shouted to her son, "Kieran get here now. If you don't start listening I am putting you up for adoption and sending you to live with a black family". I was so gobsmacked I could not utter a word! And that is unusual for me :)