Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

Hello. I am not an adoptive parent but sometimes read the adoption threads because there is a lot of adoption in my wider family. Anyway, I am here to bring you a gift of wine and cake from the One and Only Tea Room.

::waves::

I'm not sure when attachment became a buzz word, because it wasn't mentionned the second time in 2002/3 either. Not just babies, but all children, it was like you adopt them, they suddenly are happy pretty normal kids who should have a great life. I just find it so sad, it's my biggest anger issue around adoption. Some of them have been through hell, so expecting normalcy is basically telling them that being sexually abused, starved, smacked around etc, is nothing and they should just ignore it and get over it! It's absoutely beyond insulting to the parents and most especially the kids

But I think speaking to some prospectives relatively near me who are in homestudy, they were spoken to by adopters and told all about the worst case scenarios, so it's obviously very diffferent now, at least in my LA. Are other LA's/VA's doing similar, anyone who has been through prep classes lately??

And I thought others might identify with the shit parent reputation! There are a few I avoid at all costs because their dear Tarquin was in DD2's class during the disaster period she was in mainstream school. I sent DS to a different school for a reason, and they care about him and work with me! I just don't bother trying to explain to those parents, they don't deserve to know anything about my family, and they'd never understand anyway. So it just rolls of

Oh Maud, that's lovely! Why don't you stay for a quick brew?

fishtank, I am beyond at Kieran's mum. God, I'm normally quick with a response, but I would have been speechless too - just too many ways in which that is awful.

[Pulls up chair] now, where were we with that chavvy name discussion? It really struck me how very quickly you stop caring how chavtastic your child's name is, because it's their name and you love them, but how very aware you become of others' reactions. I have to admit I have had tossy-turny nights wondering if it would be fair to expect a black child, with two mums, who is adopted, to go to a teeth-squeakingly middle class school with the name Chardonnay. Or Shirelle. Or Sharday. (They all seem to be sh names.)

In the event, dd came to us with a name that is not awful by any means, though not to my taste, but quite long and frilly and with a Unique Spelling. Unique enough that it got laughed at by the Child Benefit Claimsline (I kid you not). We did decide early on just to change it to the conventional spelling - because we couldn't rule out that bm may just be a very bad speller, and it was SO identifying. But then, as new information came out about security risks, we decided to shorten it slightly to something that is much more common. We have kept using the diminuitive that her foster carer always called her by.

I hope that dd will feel comfortable with that, that we have sustained the connection to her name at birth, but made it a bit less socially embarrassing (and also safer).

Interestingly, though, our social worker told us that most adoptive parents DO change the name, even though they promise not to. She seemed quite surprised that we weren't doing the same! There were we, all innocently assuming that when they asked us not to change the name, they meant it.

Lilka, when I went through prep - 3 years ago - we were bombarded with worst case scenarios. I think we all crawled out of the wreckage at the end, completely shell shocked. I'm still not sure how I got the courage to actually go forward... I guess you just take a leap of faith that it will be worth it, but it felt terrifying at the time (and still does, some days).

That's very kind of you, Hester. ::slurps tea:: My credentials for taking part in any conversation about adoption are flimsy, but I feel that all the tea rooms ought to be connected in a hands-across-the-ocean/internet kind of way. Tea rooms are a Very Good Thing.

And nobody does lemon drizzle cake like the adoptors...

Is that so? Do you have your equivalent of Mellors, the gardener, handyperson and general factotum of the One and Only Tea Room? When things get a bit fraught s/he can be relied upon to hand out wine and soothing foot rubs. S/he's cooking a barbecue for us tonight. Do drop in.

But, more to the point, tea rooms are in my view a good thing because they give you a place to sound off about stuff that doesn't seem quite big enough to justify starting a separate thread.

maud The One and Only Tearoom was my inspiration for this safe haven so thank you for wine and cake - can we have Mellors as well?

lettinggo let's find a comfy chair and you must put your feet up and can have double helpings of the cake because you are (hopefully!) eating for two

nananina I know you don't care for cyber tearooms or cake but I have got a bowl of fruit that might tempt you in.

Oops! I didn't know NanaNina didn't like cake! I thought all SW's liked cake - that was my one way of bribing a SW! (Quickly eats all ice slices myslef).

Nana Can I tempt you back to the tearoom with a banana???

Hester Keiran suits him really........You should see his chavvy mum.

fishtank - that comment is just..beyond belief!!! I'm speechless!

I hate the word 'chavvy' and I honestly do not believe that being called 'Chardonnay' will blight your life. Condoleeza managed just fine!

I do understand alterring the spelling of your child's name, so it's the normal version eg. Maysee to Maisie, or Aydon to Aiden. Plus seperating hyphenated names eg. BrittneyLou to Brittney Lucy. And of course, some people face security risks. My DS has a new first name, and there was a risk from biological father among other reasons. In that situation, it's sensible. BUT I guess I don't understand changing a name just because 'oh, Cheryl Maysee-Lou Smith is so chavvy, and I couldn't bear the reaction, isn't Pia Genevieve Smith so much prettier!' I don't agree. Sure in that situation I'd probably try to change to 'Cheryl Maisie Lucinda Smith' or similar, but no way would I totally change the name just because I didn't really like it. It's asking your child to change a big part of themselves to fit in with your desires - not really what adoption is all about now IMHO. And I feel it sends a message that you don't accept their roots, and you want a nice middle class child, not a working class one. I think that might be difficult to accept later on for the child, especially if they move on to reunion

Now in addition, I do beyond understand if your kid is 'Vagina' or similar!! That would get scrapped, just not fair on the child! And if your child desires a change. DD1 chose her two new middle names herself

And I guess, for me personally, my taste in names is not usual. I remember telling DD2 (who has a lovely set of names, not alterred, but not popular names) that she got off lightly!! I adore her name (Russian, and I love most Russian girls names!) and wouldn't have her called anything else..but if I had given birth to her, and indeed last year when I was trying for a biological child, although it failed..well my favourite girls names include Cadmium, Valentina, Indigo, Rue, Pavlina, Amity, Roisin (with fadas), Darrell and Sienna!! As well as other odder names. Honestly DD2 got off damn lucky

Oh and I love this tea room idea! Thanks MediumPretty :) I do love scones with jam and cream (as you have probably realised!) but Lemon Mr Kipling slices are good too!

You're welcome, Lilka, and please feel free to call me Pretty (as Kew is doing)! In a pitiful attempt to boost my self-esteem I asked DD if I was pretty and she lied said yes, so I thought I'd push it and ask if I was very pretty, to which she replied "errrr, you're medium pretty".

That'll do for me

Hi fishtank (I do recall that we've PMd each other, but sorry to say I can't remember the issue) and thanks for the welcome back, also Hester and MP thank you for your invites too - I'm very touched. Yes, fruit is more in my line, especially as I am on Slimming World at the moment, but really don't like cake - honest, it's something about the texture and I don't like cream and icing, but I do like dark chocolate!

I really enjoyed reading all your stories and certainly admire you all - just wish there were more like you for all the children who are waiting for an adoptive family. I was surprised to hear that some of you are saying that attachment issues were never mentioned in your prep course - someone I think said as late as 2003. In the LA I worked for, we were certainly running post approval training courses for foster carers and adoptors on attachment issues in the early 90s. To me it is one of the most important issues in adoption.

Did any of you see the TV programme recently "A Home for Maisie" who was aged about 11 I think and had been through almost the same number of foster carers. Unsurprisingly she had massive attachment disorders. The adoptive family were quite remarkable and had adopted several other children and they got their LA to fund support for themselves and Maisie from Family Futures, who have a proven record of excellent results with attachment disordered children, but it is not cheap. Still cost effective for the LA to say nothing of the benefit to Maisie who was eventually adopted by this family.

We were lucky enough to have a brilliant clinical psychologist who was very experienced in attachment issues (she has since been published) but she used to see foster carers and adoptors individually to offer support and advice and she was a very gently person who everyone took to. I thought she walked on water!

Is there a consensus of opinion about post adoption support - necessary/helpful or not?

My DD had a pretty name (Aaliyah) but she hated it - least of all because no one pronounced it properly and she ended up being called A Liar!. She asked to change it so following a great deal of discussion we changed it, on Adoption day, to a similar sounding name. She also chose her middle name.

I have since discovered other children have changed their birth name, Aaliyah, to something similar. It seems to be pretty common for British people to pronounce the I (in Aaliyah) as I instead of ee, thus coming up with A Liar.

Hi, I'm not on here much but I do love tea and cake. And scones.
I have a birth daughter, aged 10, with SEN, and an adoptive younger daughter, both of whom I adore.

The name issue. My SW and I fell out about this during our assessment. She was adamant that the name absolutely had to be kept, out of respect for the culture the child would be coming from. I understand the point but I've grown up with a poxy horrible name that I'm still embarrassed about. It's an old lady's name and it never has suited me. I'd hate a child to go through life with that added baggage, there'll be enough other stuff to contend with.

SO I think it's really important to have a name that you like and that isn't too unusual. My DH's surname is unusual and quite slaggable and is enough to deal with. So for me it's important that the first name is an easy one to go through life with. If we get to adopt the little girl (Russian) we're hoping for, she has a nice normal name already, which happens to be DH's granny's name too.

Pretty, that's a lovely story about how you got your name here, I love it

Maryz, I'm trying to figure out which Irish name is now considered "chavvy", I can't think of any chavvy Irish names. Except one which is a very anglicised version of a name and the whole pronunciation got changed?? Beginning with C? And there does seem to be a lot of them about.I think it was the Americans who started using the new version first? You've got me curious....

Hester, at 'yer one' screaming that at Kieran, good god are people absolutely thick???

NN, I saw that programme about Maisie. I thought those adoptive parents were amazing. I hope they get continued support because she seemed to be a very troubled little girl.

I'm impressed there was some training on attachment issues in the early 90's, but yes, on pre homestudy prep class in 2002 there was no real mention of issues at all. They mentionned reunion issues and keeping in touch with first family, but there was no mention of any other difficulties. Although obviously, having had DD1 for 8 years I ws well aware of what I was going in for, I think some of the others on the group must have found it enormously difficult with their children. I'm only in contact with one family from then though, so I don't know what happened next

I thought Maisie was a great program, although I found it a little hard to watch in places, and I teared up a bit

fishtank - I would say Aaliyah as Aa-Leeah, definitely wouldn't say the I

duly noted Pretty :) out the mouth of babes eh I remember DD1 telling me 'You're not as beautiful as X (teacher), she's gorgeous, but you'll do, because you're beautiful on the inside' :)

I love the name Roisin.

Nina, I think post-adoption support is essential. I was gripped by the Maisie programme, and thought that couple were amazing. (Weren't the other kids sweet? - those little boys were an amazing double act.)

Hi all. Welcome back Nana SEE I didnt try and kick you out

I thought SW like biscuits. I will be very if they dont cos I spent a fortune on SW biscuits over two years

My DS's name is the chavviest name on MN and is regularly ridiculed. It is also spelt a bit differently because b.mum didnt know how it was spelt. She only called him that because her friend liked it. I really think she felt very ambivelent (sp) about having a baby. She loved the pg because she was finally getting the attention she had been deprived of all her life. But when he arrived it was a different matter. She know has a little girl who is very very light skinned with blondish hair. That is the baby she wanted

Anyway - I DID think about changing the name to the biblical spelling because despite all that is said it IS a biblical name. In the end I didnt and gave him some extra names. He has loads now but all my little ones do! My big ones got off lightly because I hadnt got into the swing of things haha.

Like hester I had some worrying moment in the very few days before we found out what his name was. I was thinking Jay Z or Usher or something but we got off lightly.

We have had him since newborn but he still has some attachment difficulties. I think these are down to the chaos of the assessment period as much as his 8 weeks of neglect.

I resume your DH is Malaysian Bran rahter than Malaysia - though it would be pretty cool if you really were married to a whole country.

Ix it violence above and beyond normal Bran - DS has (and always had though people poo poo'd me when I said so when he was tiny) anger management issues but so far he is within the normal spectrum albeit toawards the more agressive end if it. It has got worse recently but I think thats just tiredness, and it is possible to manage if I calm down and remain very very serene (on the surface).

I wonder if thats going to be his issue of choice going forward?