Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

I'm not sure its a normal type distribution Maryz so I can;t say that I htink he is well above average. The commentary says that a score of 9 is in the dreaded gifted and talented section but to be honest DS got in in "attitude and approach" (or something like that and a problme solving kinda thing - I rahter suspect that scoring a 9 in attitude means the teacher likes him rather than any great talent! Having said that the ability to get your teachers to like you is no doubt a useful gift!

I was most pleased at his reading and writing and numeracy which were 7 but he started the year at 1! Very pleased that he is at least holding his own there are he was quite behind at the start of the year.

Have stopped blubbing today and off to sports day later.

Hello All. Can I join in? I am an adoptee who used to run a tearoom!
I'm more than happy to do the washing up if necessary.

I haven't read the whole thread but feel that it's a lovely, welcoming, homely place for chat.

I've recently realised that I had attachment issues as a child, I read a book about it and it all made sense. Mum wishes that she and my Dad had known about it 40 years ago. They were told that I was theirs now and being a baby at adoption would grow up just like my brother (their biological child). After all I would be brought up the same, so would be the same!!!

Actually I'm very different in many ways.

I've made contact with my birth mother in the last month and have finally found someone who has the exact same values as me. We're working up to a meeting in the next few weeks.

If my past experiences can be of any use to any of you I will be more than happy to help.

I think you're all doing a fantastic job, and hope that you all regularly give yourselves a pat on the back for being such devoted parents to your wonderfull children.

So a hectic afternoon yesterday. A trip to hospital for a meeting with the medical advisor and a chat with SWs over coffee afterwards.
Arghhhhhhhh
The Children's SW sprung a few bouncing bombs in our direction yesterday. We WILL need to be at matching panel (was told previously that we didn't need to be there).
They are also bringing forward the introductions if it all goes OK at panel.
Lastly and most scary, is that the Children's SW thinks that intros will take only 7 days. WTF is that all about? (Excuse my french) All through training we were told about 1 week for each year of age. That would be 4-6 weeks. Where the hell did 7 days come from?

@Kew. WOW you must be over the moon. And even I can understand how you feel about the school report. I filled up reading about it and remembered back to my God Daughter's first school report that had me reaching for the well done cards and Argos gift vouchers.

@CholdofIsis. Glad you've popped in. Thanks for sharing and I hope that everything goes well for your future meeting. Can I ask how you feel about your birth parent(s) and your adoptive parents? (feel free not to answer)

;o)

@Maryz, Thanks for the advice, duly noted.

You're on holiday already, bran? We've got another three weeks to go.

isn't it historical to allow them to help in teh fields at harvest time Bran? Get tehm out there cutting hay.

Sounds quite good to me bran. Probably would work a lot better here than the English school holidays. Long enough off in the summer to establish a proper routine, short enough other holidays that the kids don't go quite as badly behaved from the disturbance!

Welcome ChildofIsis (can I call you Isis?) Lovely post, and I hope your meeting goes really well :)

This summer we are going to stay in France for a couple of weeks, in a caravan. Luckily both DS and DD2 like walking, and there are lots of lovely walks nearby. Plus a nice swimming pool. I love holiday vouchers!! (what's the betting we get there and it pours, whilst being baking hot back here?)

But also, I'm going away for a night here in England with DD1, while SIL watches the others. Because in August, it will be an entire 15 years since I first met my amazing DD1 :) She wants a day for just us, so we can go back to near where we first met etc :) I want to cry (very happy tears) thinking about it

Mary - that is really astonishing! I don't know of anyone who could even try to beat that!

Hi Timster, I have always had the greatest respect for the sacrifice my birth mother made on my behalf. Her loss was my parents gain.
I always thought of my birth father as a bit of a rake. Bm was midwife to his wife's kids. Obviously as an adult I know that it takes two to tango.
I'm not sure what to do about him as he doesn't know I exist, also he's 33 yrs older than me. I don't think I want to give an old man such a shock as an unknown daughter.

As far as my Mum and Dad go we had our ups and downs, as most families do. I adored my Dad and was devastated when he died 21 yrs ago.At the time I felt that my reaction was over the top but didn't know why. I now realise it's to do with being left again. I'll always have 2 mothers but only ever had 1 dad and he died 5 days before my wedding.

Mum and I actually get on much better since dd was born in 2006. Also I've done some work on my esteem through a life training foundation and am not so upset by her seeming harshness. She is who she is and i can choose not to let it get to me.

Mum and Dad had a rough ride when I was younger, I'm a questioner and they didn't like it. I like to know why I'm doing things before I'll do them, and they wanted complete obedience.
Also ss would turn up at strange times and set off my Dad's defensive nature.

With hindsight I had a mostly idyllic childhood with the occaisional upset that I took to heart more than was necessary. The family didn't understand my sense of humour and I still don't always get theirs.
Mum's been very ill over the last 2 yrs and has died on the operating table twice, very traumatic for all. I've been able to get closer to her than before and am gratefull for the extra time we've been given.

Wow, I'd say that's a few ups and downs alright.
I'm very grateful for you sharing your thoughts with us. Thank You

Hi Isis

Hello everyone

Come for a cup of tea and some advice. Has anyone adopted once then gone back and adopted again. We've adopted once and have a lovely 5 DS. He's been with us 2 years now and is settled. He's doing well at school and has a good set of friends but no brother or sister. So we'd like to to try and an extend our family once again. Does anyone have any experiences of adopting second time around they could share?

Coffeecupmum, I've not got personal experience but a couple we met whilst completing our PAR (Form F) had done just that. They said that going through all the same approval stuff was a drag but worth it in the end. My advice would be to contact BAAF or Adoption UK and see if they can put you in touch with someone who has done it, just for a chat and a coffee.

Hope it all goes well.

Kew, that's fantastic. And they don't have to say nice things - they have to be honest, otherwise it's not fair to next year's teacher if you paint a rosy picture of a child and next year's teacher tells the truth. Parents would then say "Well, Ms. So-And-So said he was a great boy".

So he IS a role model. Take a bow!

Coffeecupmum - I did! I adopted DD1 when she was 10, and started the process again when she was 16. She was 18 when DD2 was placed, and had actually moved out a few weeks before intros started to live with her now husband. Having to redo the homestudy actually was good, because so much had changed since the first one - I was far more realistic, had a vastly different support network, you have to go through so much about being a parent, DD1 got interviewed etc etc.

It didn't actually take that long after approval for DD2 and I to find each other, which I was surprised at, because I was being quite specific in what issues I could handle, and the type of child placed. It really needed to work with DD1 (I was only approved for a girl, as DD1 wasn't really handling the idea of a brother at that time, although thankfully she did come to a place where I could accept DS later on), and so I was scanning the Form E's very carefully, this time actually knowing how to read between the lines! That said, I had quite a high age range (4-11) and there were lots of girls in that age bracket waiting. However, usually I think people find it takes longer second time around, because now you have a child, and you have to take so much more into account when matching

I found I had a lot of worries and fears going into it, but I think it's very normal! Would she and DD1 get on, what about money, attachment, what if, what if, what if!? But I don't regret it for a second, although DD2 is very challenging a lot of the time! She has always had a wonderful relationship with DD1, they truly are sisters, despite the 10 year age gap (there's 19 years between DD1 and DS and they get on great as well :) )

I was asked about DS, who is DD2's bio sibling. I didn't have to go through a full homestudy again, but because of DD2's issues, it took a little longer than it should have to get him home. DD2 adjusted quite well. I'll not lie, it was hard on her to go from being effectively an only child to having a noisy hyperactive toddler around, but she has always been very gentle and loving to her brother. She did regress quite a bit, and try and control me more, to try and get me to ignore DS and spend more time with her, but she never took it out on him. I would expect issues when your new child moves in

My biggest advice would be to not expect to form the same bond with child number two (or three) as you did with your first, and don't expect the same time scale to it either! It's ok if you bonded with your first on sight, but you feel much more indifferent about number two. They will have totally different personalities after all :)

thank you so much for the posts about second time adoption - I am definately more concerned about SN second time around and the impact on DS - bit frustrating it is taking so long - I do feel more knowledgeable and I think that makes you more aware of the risks and things that could go wrong but am keeping fingers crossed

Helloooooooooo, anyone here?
Oh well, I'll talk to myself again then.

I must say I'm feeling a little bit excited today. The car seats arrived this morning along with some cupboard/drawer latches and a digital in ear thermometer. I like having parcels to open, and the car seats got put together in double quick time so I could try them out in the car. All sorted and they will do the job perfectly.
Waiting for 2 mattresses to be delivered today and then I can pop into the office and collect the bunk bed that were delivered today. I still can't believe that in this day and age you can't change a delivery address without it costing another delivery charge. Grrrrr
Over the weekend some friends told DW and me that they are organising an adoption shower. I have not a clue what that is, so they told me that I had to go play golf for the afternoon with the 'boys'. I'm left wondering to myself if I should be offended by this, as I will be the one staying at home for a year and putting my career on hold. Anywho I still have no idea what a 'shower' is apart from the one that currently leaks through the ceiling into the lounge. :( Must get that fixed.

Mattresses are not coming until tomorrow, so will go to office after lunch to collect bunk beds and spend the rest of the day 'creating' a little girls bedroom. ;o) Yay