Should adoptive parents arrange contact meetings between the adopted child and his or her bio-family?

[wasthatthatguy]

I think the answer to this question is yes, but clearly no child should be made to meet anyone he or she is afraid of meeting? Apart from that, I think such meetings would be of benefit to all concerned, especially the child.

But how do you know what's good for him? His adoptive parents are his mum dad - legally - now and I imagine that everything they do for him is what they consider to be in his best interests. You don't really have a say - you have no parental responsibility. You are his birth mother and nothing will ever take that away but really you have no say in any decisions that he makes or that his parents make for him.

If there is to be a reunion then it has to be if and when he chooses to meet you.

My son would be absolutely terrified if he knew his birth mother knew where he was and tried to make contact. He absolutely does not want her in his life and it would be hugely detrimental to his mental health were she to suddenly appear on our doorstep bearing presents.

If you don't want to antagonise his mum and dad then you have to do this through the proper channels - or run the risk of his parents banning any sort of contact.

I think you are still making lots of assumptions - that it is your "poor son" who will need counselling, you and the adoptive parents when there is to be this big reunion. You don't actually know whether there will be a big reunion. You stilll don't appear to accept that this is in the control of your son, not you, as you say that you are not going to gag yourself and have no contact.

I am glad to hear that you will stick to the APs wishes to stick to the postbox. Yes of course you are the birth mother, but you have to accept that adoption does transfer all parental responsibility on a permanent basis to the adoptive parents.

I actually don't think you are being fair to the adoptors - they seem to be more than fair to you, by giving the child the present (and yes I am sure he liked it) but that's hardly the point, and passing on your letters and photographs to him (unless you sent them directly to your son). I think you are exploiting their good natures. I know many adoptors would have been horrified at the BM finding out their address and turning up on the door step and leaving presents. The social worker was greatly at fault for letting the Aparents names out to you.

If you really want to do best by your son, you would not seek to potentially confuse him by getting news of his BM and half brothers (presumably) Have you not considered that he may be wondering why you have 2 sons living with you but didn't keep him. He is far too young at his age to have to deal with such complications.

You say you have adapted to the adoption but it doesn't sound to me like you have, as you are continuing to try to make contact with your son and I think you are thinking of your own needs and these are over riding the needs of your son, which is to be able to have an untroubled happy childhood, and make up his own mind (when he is an adult) whether he wishes to meet up with you and his half brothers. Maybe this is the greatest gift that you can give him.

I still think you could benefit from some counselling about your feelings about the loss of your son. I hope that you get responses from other BMs as I think it will be of great help to you, to be able to share your feelings with others who are in the same position.

You're not sending a clear message about where you are with this, yukoncher. You say you're happy to respect the APs wishes, but also "I'm not going to gag myself and have no contact". And then you assert "This is my boy".

If I was the adoptive parent of your son, I wouldn't feel reassured that you know the boundaries and are sticking to them. Now, you don't need to convince me, but I do wonder if you would benefit from talking it through further with someone you respect and trust - NORCAP? - before pursuing contact.

I deon't know what's good for him like a god would know, I can only suggest to his parents what may help.
You may imagine that everything his APs do for him is what they consider to be in his best interest, and I agree, and what I propose for him will be everything I consider to be in his best interest. Obv. APs get the final say.

I know it will be if and when he chooses.

I'm sorry your son is terrified of his BM contacting :( I don't know the situation.
I would certainly not suddenly turn up to my son's door bearing presents.
I had someone else place the parcel (addressed to his parents, not him, on the doorstep).
I wouldn't get into a situation where DS would see me with being prepared by APs in agreement.

I know, thanks, that's why I'm choosing to use Postbox contact now, to show I'm respecting their wishes.

Sorry if I'm not clear, hester.
I won't gag myself and not write as some people may suggest.
I will write, especially as his adoptive parents like me writing, and so does my son, so why would I stop doing that?
He is my boy, that's true :)

I am sticking to the flippin boundaries, as I did not leave a present for his birthday, as I would have done, if I hadn't been asked not to.
(I'm confusing myself now? It's late).
They asked me not to do that again, and I have not.
Despite it being his 10th birthday which I would have liked to have gave him something. I did not for fear of disrespecting his APS.
They've asked me to use postbox contact in future, I have decided that is what I will do, as showing them respect and maintaining a good reltaionship with them is important for my son.

What's NORCAP?

Okay I see what NORCAP is.
I am benefiting from hearing APs POVs on here.
Thanks, truely, thank you :)

I'm keeping my distance from DS
I'm sticking with the contact boundaries that APs want me to.

I'm being a damn good BM.

Maryz, this is me being annoyed, lol

Oh, I see. Well, I think you SHOULD write - via letterbox. I certainly don't think you should gag yourself, and i think you have shown yourself on this thread to be really thoughtful and responsive, so I'm sure you and APs will work this out.

Once again, best of luck. This situation will always be a tragedy for you, but I hope you can find a way of building a healthy relationship with your son in the future.

NanaNina;
There will certainly be a reunion between me and my son.
If it's in 10 yrs, 20 years, 50 yrs.

I have never made any contact with DS, that APs havent been able to vet out first and pass on with their own blessing.
However, when DS is over 18.
I'll probably wait until he's older infact, as 18 is still young, mid 20s perhaps, DS may find that I contact him, without anyone's blessing :-o

Oh thanks.

Excuse me, I'm getting a bit carried away now, getting defensive, lol

Thanks for your support. I really appreciate all I've been able to openly talk about over the last week, here on mumsnet, with people who I wouldn't usually speak with about this.

Without going over old ground here can I make it clear once and for all it is up to your son whether he wishes to make contact with you - whether he is a child or an adult at the time. If and when the time comes that your son makes it known that he wants to make contact with you his parents will more than likely support him.

You do not have any legal rights to make the first contact with your son. To do so will only serve to confuse him.

I have had first hand experience of this with a child who was in my foster care for 4 years. Out of the blue her mother sent a Christmas present. The child's world was turned upside down to such an extent that SS felt it necessary to move the child to another placement where there was therapeutic input from a nearby, available at all times, childrens psychiatric centre.

This little girl was supposed to be a long term foster placement. She was moved 200 miles away from her extended birth family, foster family of 4 years, school, out of school clubs, friends and everything else that was dear to her.

All that because her birth mother suddenly decided to leave a Christmas present on our doorstep at the very time the child was receiving councelling and support to put the past behind her and move on. Understandably the child was confused, angry and upset about her life thus far, which became apparent during therapy sessions. The inadvertant intrusion into her life from her birth mother at the time she was receiving therapy was enough to tip her over the edge.

I am not for a mminute saying this will happen to your son. I do not know your son's position. But I urge you to put your son's needs first before continuing any sort of contact. From what you have written so far I believe your son's parents do not wish you to further pursue contact with their son at this moment in time - and for very good reason.

Maryz I understand that, thanks, I think you're right about asking for too much at once.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, to hope in vain for reunion, hoping makes me feel better, it's the only option, really. Not seeing him again is not comprehendable to me.

Fish, was this little girl neglected or abused, and so the thought of her birth mother alone, was distressing or her?
I don't think the situation is quite as delicate with my son. He's got a strong secure A family, and knows I never did anything wrong to him, but was too young. I was 15 when I had him.
I think it's quite straight forward, as adoptions go.

(Warning, rant;)
I can't help feeling I'm being grouped up with the rest of the birth mums, 'oh she's a birth mum' most of them being careless, neglectful, abusesive, not quite putting the child first, etc etc. Whereas Adoptive parents are by default; all about the child.
I am a birth mother, but I'm also currently a mother of 2 children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, both aged under 5.
I am aware that children come first, and that my job description means doing anything and everything for the child first.
I am no stranger to putting myself last.
I'm not some young careless troubled typical birth mum who, presumably, (by default of being a birth mum) doesn't quite understand or have the tools to do the whole caring for a child thing.
I have a partner to take care of, 2 children, 2 dogs, bills to pay.
I have a childcare qualification. I studied sociology and psychology a-level equivilents. I'm on another parenting course right now, out of choice.
I'm striving to be a great parent. and I am.
I. Am. Thinking. Of my son!
and I know I have no legal rights at all

Maryz, don't worry, the birth mother will know in future about it being your daughters decision. It'll all come out in the wash :-p :)
Adoption is so complicated, isn't it?
But life is too, if you think a child suffers from conflicting feelings about being adopted, that's a pretty minor thing if you take into account the disabilities people suffer. My son who's with me has special needs that put his speech at aged 2 when he should be starting school in september, not to mention the tantrums, (he's definately autistic)
so it goes to show, everyone has their own unique difficulties in life.
Life throws many many many things at people, adoptions just one of many complications.
I think your daughter, and the son you worry about, will be as well as they could be with a good caring parent, like they have.

I'm not grouping anybody. I have met about 30 first mums online, 4 irl. I know from hearing their stories, and from knowing DD2 and DS mum that everyone is different. Some were neglectful, some would have been fantastic parents, given the chance. And obviously not all adoptive parents are good parents. Some are terible, that's why Nubia Barahona's face has been plastered over the media, poor thing :( Being a member of the triad is just one part of you, and does not define you in any way, I think most sensible people know that, and if they don't they're not worth your time anyway

Most people are the best parents they can be to their children. That includes nearly all adoptive parents, and most first mums as well! You are the best mum for your young children, and your sons parents are the best parents they can be for your son, and the ones who know him better than anyone else in the world does right now. It's obvious from your posts that you think of your son, and you want him to be happy, I don't think anyone could dispute that. BUT I do think, please don't take this as an attack as it's not, you are underestimating the impact your sons past could have on him, as well as the emotions he will go through. He has suffered a lot of trauma, first from being removed from you and placed in care, then building a bond with his carers and being taken away from them and moving to his parents! That's if he only had one foster carer. The impact of being moved alone can be huge, and cause massive difficulties. I know a child who has quite severe behavior problems and emotional difficulties, but was removed at birth, and had only one foster carer. How straightforward the circumstances which led to adoption were, is not always a good indicator of how secure the child will be. Indeed, even some adoptees relinquished at birth have huge difficulties which make life difficult for them - I know one online who says if they were given the choice, they would have chosen to be aborted, because being alive and adopted is far worse (for them) than having never existed at all. And this person says their adoptive parents were wonderful, great parents. I haven't yet met any disabled person who wishes they never existed. You just can't assume that having great parents will anyone happy and secure on it's own

Take my son, for exmaple, he was with a very good carer from birth, his mum wanted first to keep him, then later chose to allow an adoption to go through without contesting, and she asked me to adopt him, out of all the adoptive families of her children. He was 23 months old when he came home. He was never abused or negelcted. BUT he has issues. Bad seperation anxiety, and clinginess for instance. Not the usual clinginess other children have, but based on his past. He has other issues too. I have developed ways of managing him, and making him feel safe and secure with me. Your sons parents will have done the same - worked out what makes him feel secure and safe, what does not. I know you want to develop a good relationship with your son and his parents, but they won't do anything which causes him great upset or conflicted feelings, or which makes him feel insecure or unsafe. Your son might be happy to recieve gifts, but you don't know if he reacted badly in any other way, or whether he felt upset or insecure afterwards. I'm not suggesting you need to stop writing if the parents want you to write via the letterbox, in fact I think I would say writing by letterbox is the best way forward if your son still wants to continue getting letters. But I would do as his adoptive parents ask, because they will be doing what they know will help your son the most. They know him the best. That's nothing against you, but they do him better than you do, just like you know your two younger children better than anyone else could ever do

As I said before, you sound lovely and I don't group birth mums any more than I group black people or Hindus!! Just one part of you, and you don't sound remotely abusive to me. I just speak from my experience, nothing more :)

Yukoncher. As a birth mum myself I sympathise with your position. To answer your question above yes the little girl was abused. BUT at the beginning she still wanted to be with her mother - as most children in care do. She was having contact until her mother gradually began letting her down. By promising her the world and then not turning up for arranged contact only served to add to the child's emotional instability until she became confused as to her situation. In her mind she did not belong anywhere. She was being encouraged to bond with us, yet felt loyal to her birth mother. So on the one hand she was being provided with a safe, secure base in which to move on with her life but the constant demands of her mother did not allow the child to settle.

In the end SS stopped contact as it was only unsettling and upsetting the child. The child began to gain a sense of belonging and was doing well at school. Then out of the blue when the child was still receiving therapy to help her with her situation this Christmas present arrived. The child went back 4 years in her development and her behaviour became increasingly difficult to manage until she became suicidal - at 9 years old!

I am not for one minute suggesting your son has similar issues to deal with but the fact is all children who are in care - and those who are adopted - have emotional difficulties that children who have been brought up from birth within their birth families do not.

My own children do not display the emotional difficulties that my foster children and adopted children display. My adopted son, who was placed with us as a baby and was not abused is struggling with his emotions. The last thing he needs at this moment is his mother further complicating his life.

Yukoncher when your son was placed for adoption were contact arrangements discussed between SS, yourself and the adoptive parents?

Thanks Lilka, and fish.
Really enjoy reading these long posts.

The only arrangment was that we'd have postbox contact twice a year.
And APs said I'd possibly be able to meet him when he's 11 or over.

Then continue your letterbox contact. I am sure the AP's will be touch for you and your son to meet - when the time is right for your son. Hope everything works out well for you and your son xx

That maybe came across wrong. I don't enjoy reading that adopted children suffer emnotional problems. But it's helpful to hear the truth of it :-/

My son who's with me suffers enough, from huge tantrums and so much distress if things aren't done certain ways, part of his SN.
I was hoping my adopted son may be blessed with being problem free, at least. :-/
I'm quite angry that he may suffer emotionally from what's happened.
I know I let them take him into care (for what I thought was for a few days) I since studied attachment in psychology, and of course learning how distressing going into care would be for a baby, is awful, and I was really not thinking, during that period. Not thinking at all, only thinking I couldn't cope.

Really angry with SS keeping him in care for a year though. They could have at least kept me in care with him.
But that's how the system works.
Such a massive lack of provision of for keeping children with harmless loved ones who need help.

DS went with his perminant family at aged 1 and a half, so hopefully made great secure attachments with them during the critical period, before aged 3.

Yeah :)
Thanks fishy, and all :) x