Should adoptive parents arrange contact meetings between the adopted child and his or her bio-family?

[wasthatthatguy]

I think the answer to this question is yes, but clearly no child should be made to meet anyone he or she is afraid of meeting? Apart from that, I think such meetings would be of benefit to all concerned, especially the child.

Maryz, where are you adopted DC from? Sorry you had a shit time first time around. Having to redo home visits is a nightmare. We had to have another home visit when we were changing country and our social worker arrived 15 minutes early so I didn't have time to get rid of the dog over to the neighbours before she came. She made such an issue of the dog -I knew she would because she had s and despite me asking her not to include it in the report (our country of choice is not a pro-pet country and it can be an issue), she still "felt she had to". I think it's even worse now in the hse cos they're so short-staffed. I had to ring them last week to get a letter from them and the woman I spoke to was giving out yards about how few social workers they have now with eople on maternity leave and job-sharing not being replaced. Bloody awful. I cried though, so I got my letter.

can't find the "aha" one!

Yipee, I did it!

That's really rough, Mary. I've had dealings with fostering social workers. I once contacted a social worker about a concern I had about a child who was in foster care. I wrote a letter to the team leader of her social worker asking him to contact me about it. I never heard a thing since and that letter was sent maybe 6 years ago! Thankfully the situation resolved itself but the system is fucked completely.

That's a shame and a bit silly that there's no post-grad course for social work like there is for teaching. Surely your basic degree plus years of life experience should be huge advantage. Ah well, nothing works by logic sadly.There's a ban on recruitment now so there's no incentive for them to set up a grad course. The only reason they allowed the grad course for teaching is there was such a huge deficit of teachers at the time and they needed to churn them out fast. But then they kept on churning and now there's a glut. I don't know how they can't get the most basic things right.

I knew a woman a few years ago who adopted domestically. We gave up IVF and decided to adopt at the same time. She went on the domestic list and I went for intercountry. She was blessed to adopt a gorgeous little boy, she was chosen by his BM. He's about 5 now. That was in the south of the country.

maryz I had no idea things were that bad/different in Ireland.

I expect the OP will be pleased though

Hope you get that text btw x

lettinggo, that is so rough. I really hope your luck turns soon.

Am torn between commenting on the dude perm (way to go, MrsDV!) and teenage hair. We have the low side parting look here too, along with very short skirts/shorts and either bare legs or black tights. As they throng about, it's like getting swarmed by startled goth colts...

RVLilka, you're quite right, it just rolls off, doesn't it? It's not even about having a thick skin. I've spent my entire life being told there's something wrong with my family (the one I was raised in and the one I am raising) and I Simply Don't Care any more. I know they're out there, occasionally I'm forced to deal with them, I just get them out of my hair as quickly as I can and get on with the important job of raising my girls to be caring, respectful, hardworking and compassionate people. Can't be wasting energy on the other stuff.

Evening all

Just had one of the best evenings in a long while tonight! Curled up on the sofa with DD2, and DD1 and SIL came round as well - to watch the BGT auditions. No argueing from DD2, no opposition, just laughed our heads off Next week looks even better!

Hope everyone else had a great evening too :)

What is this skanger of which you speak, Maryz? Groovy new teenage lingo?

I'm going to let off steam here. dp went out for a walk today with dd2, and came across a group: a woman with two men, and a little girl about 4. The adults were chatting and ignoring the little girl, who dropped back to talk to dp. The mum turned round and yelled at her to come on, whereupon one of the men came and KICKED the little girl down the path. Literally, and without warning, booted her in her lower back and flung her down the gravel path. She cried a bit - not so much, obviously used to it - and the adults just ignored her and carried on. They were obviously used to it too.

OK, you could probably find the same anywhere at any time. But it just upset dp so much - and me, when she told me - and of course I thought of this pervasive paranoia you get so often in MN, this suspicion that social workers are haunting our homes just waiting for an excuse to grab kids off loving parents. And the reality which is that you really have to go some to get your kid taken off you, and the majority of children subjected to that kind of 'parenting' just have to endure it, and its repercussions, for ever.

:( Poor lamb

Mumsnetters It appears that some of you agree with me that it would be very sensible for adoptive parents to arrange contact meetings between their adopted children and the children's bio-relatives, provided the children do not object to this, and the bio-relatives are willing to participate. And that it would be appropriate for the adoptive parents to take the initiative on this, by contacting the bio-relatives via their Local Authority, and not wait for the children to specifically request such contact after several years of having been denied it.

Hahahahaha.

Really

Bless him.

Just caught up on this thread. How is the perm MrsDeVere?
Hester that is really awful, that poor little girl

Hester, that was very upsetting for your dp. It's awful to feel so helpless to do anything to help in situations like that. When my ds (now 10) was a baby, I was in Lidl one day and there was a woman with a toddler in the trolley. The little girl was trying to lean out of the trolley to see little pink plastic cups that they had that week. Without a single word of warning, the mother slapped the child three times HARD on her bare legs and told her to get away from the cups. The child barely registered that she's been slapped. I was in total shock and said to the woman "that was uncalled for" and she turned on my, telling me to mind my own f'n business etc. And nobody else said anything else to her. What was so sad about that situation was the little girl's reaction, or lack thereof. She was obviously so used to being slapped that she didn't even cry. Some kids have a lot to deal with. No wonder people grow up angry.

O yes, how is the perm, MrsdeVere? Do tell...

And great description of a skanger, Maryz! You're so articulate.

Not sure about the perm. Still getting used to it. I feel quite boho though.

I didnt think about my fringe. Its not permed cos its too short. Just fiddling about with it.

Its only hair hey?

Only hair

Although, I would love to see a picture of the hair, if possible!? From the back, if you can't show your face?

I also think Maryz's description of skanger was very good

Hi all, and well done! :)

No pictures. THere is a facebook campaign trying to get me to post a photo and told them no n'all!

THATS why I didnt perm the fringe Maryz.

I match your ha has and add a couple more of my own ha ha ha ha!

What a deluded twonk (not you btw)

OP Children are removed from their Bio families for VERY GOOD REASON. Why do you think it is a good idea for the child to have to relive their past experiences and never have the chance to move on via a "normal" upbringing, as part of a normal family??

The first Mrs DeVere Good God no! Don't perm the fringe!!! Oh I have just realised you haven't. Phew!!

MrsdeVere, I just looked at the pics of your children - they are absolutely edibly gorgeous. So sad to read about your beautiful daughter.