Should adoptive parents arrange contact meetings between the adopted child and his or her bio-family?

[wasthatthatguy]

I think the answer to this question is yes, but clearly no child should be made to meet anyone he or she is afraid of meeting? Apart from that, I think such meetings would be of benefit to all concerned, especially the child.

Yes, I understand the adoptive parents will feel threatened, and DS will want to be a normal child. I don't think I'll contact them for a while? :/

Just saw your new thread, great idea, I hope people respond :)

I think I would panic a bit if something just turned up outside my front door from DD2 and DS mum. Not because she's any kind of threat - she's a lovely woman, and wouldn't harm them, but it's the potential that something might happen in the future. And added to that, DD2 would freak out, because whilst she loves her mum very much, her feelings are actually very complicated, and she needs contact to be done via a third party right now. I personally feel that having met their mum a couple of times, and written lots of letters etc, that I would be happy to write to her directly, but I would not be happy to arrange a visit with her directly. I feel I need a social worker to go between us before a visit. I hope that makes sense. I do understand why you wouldn't want social services involved, I do, and I understand the feeling that your mail is private. SS have sent back one letter I wrote after deciding it needed more positivity in it!

However, the reason they are there is for people like DD1. She got one letter, just one after adoption, and it wasn't vetted (old letterbox coordinator was crap) and it was just horrible :( I can't get over it even now, it made me feel ill and frightened. If they were to find out where we lived, it would be a disaster. As in, call 999 type disaster. The vetting service is there for a reason, and whilst you would never send a letter with anything horrible or undermining written in it, others would. And like Mary, i think it's a disgrace that anybody's confidential information gets given accidently to other people. Friends of mine got given confidential contact information for their childs first parent, and they were shocked by that. However, I also think people should be careful about what information is available about themselves. You found your sons parents via the public electoral role. I have taken myself off the public electoral role - whilst it's all very well to talk about facebook security and intenet security in general, there are easier ways of finding people if you have a name!!

I know you mean well, but they are probably frightened. I would contact them via the letterbox system when your next letter date comes up, but say to them that you didn't intend to frighten them, and won't call at the house again? All of us, adoptive parents included, have to have our letters opened and read - and we get ours sent back and get made to redo them if they aren't good enough as well, if it makes you feel better :) I wasn't allowed to write that DD2 had an official diagnosis of PTSD when she got it. Also had to put more positive things in the letter, etc. I know you have strongly expressed how you feel about your mail being read, but it's for your son - he will get a letter, and that will help him. I don't like the idea of my mail being read, but I do it for DD2 and DS, and I do it for their mum as well. I personally, like getting letters back - I would be upset if she didn't respond, and so would the children - and they matter the most in this

Yukoncher, maryz and Rip are talking a lot of sense. I understand how you are feeling about SS, but would really urge you to try to maintain some kind of letterbox contact. You have now opened the door to contact with your son - he has heard from you, and will wonder why/if he doesn't' hear from you again. And it would be very reassuring for the adoptive parents to see you maintaining contact through the official channels.

Rip, I also got a letter from the birth father that the social worker passed straight on to us, without it going through the letterbox co-ordinator. It was dreadful; there was no way i could let a child read it, and no way I could keep it in the house in case she ever found it. It also made me feel very threatened. I gave it back to the social worker, asking her to keep it on file. Her complete lapse of common sense did really worry me and make me feel far less safe.

I know what you're all saying, but I'd rather a-parents be real with me, if 'our' son had any problems, I'd want to know. I'll tell them my other son is being diagnosed most probably Autistic, because that's part of our lives. I don't want them sugarcoating everything. I want to know him properly.
I agree for perhaps 90% of people the postbox is a good idea, because the whole adoption thing can turn people into emotional wrecks.
I just dislike social services having the power to control what I'm saying to my son and my son's parents. I'm okay with his mother and father reading the letters first that are for him, because they're his parents and that's up to them. Anyway, obviously I have to submit to it if I want to carry on writing.

A-parents, do your birth mothers write to your child, and to yourselves? Because I would also like to write as a conversation woman to woman with the a-mum, as well as writing to my (our) son. She has told me the problems she faces, in that her other adopted child's bmother doesn't have contact and she felt left out, when DS opened the present from me in front of her (and that if I'd gone through postbox it could have been done in a more discreet way) so I wanted to say something supportive about that, and also just speak with her generally, so she may be more open with me about DS and feel comfortable with me.
Then on the other hand, I feel I'm setting myself up thinking I have so much self importance, like a third parent, and actually, I may not really be wanted in his life :-/

Thanks, I think it's great talking to people in DS's a-parents' position too, as I would never otherwise be able to.
Yeah, I'm going to tell them that I'm definately happy if he is. I wnt to know if he's really bonded and has a good relationship with his parents and stuff.
And also tell DS he's a very lucky. (He has such a nice stable, home, nice holidays.) I'll ask him if he's taking care of his little sister, etc.
I did feel the need to tell a-parents that I didn't agree to his adoption, but I don't blame them, and I said now it's done I want it to go as well as possible, and I don't want to disrupt DS.

Maybe I should just focus on responding to DS's letter and speaking with him about whatever he wants to speak of.
I ahve not even said anything such as 'I love you' to DS because I think even that would make him feel weird. MAybe if I just get to know him a bit in letters, so I don't freak him out. There's other ways I could display love for him without saying that heavy stuff I suppose.

It's really hard, because I know he will think of me and he'll probbly have really mixed feelings about it all.
Back in the early days I probably would have focused on telling the a-parents he's my life, I want to die now, etc. Luckily I chose not to write to them for those few years when I was feeling like that.

It's really nice to speak through all this anyway, thanks

You have had to do so much holding back of your feelings, not able to tell the people involved what this has been like for you, that it must feel very hard to write a polite little note. I'm not surprised you want to tell the a-parents, and your son, how much you have lost and how much love you have for your son.

I am sure the adoptive parents have some understanding of this; they won't think it has been easy for you. I felt sympathetic to my child's birth father when i got these letters, long howls of pain about how he couldn't live without her, she was the only thing that could save him, how he would kill himself (after us) if he couldn't have her. But I also knew that there was no way I could ever, ever let her read that. She is my priority, not him, and I can't allow stuff like that anywhere near her.

You can write those letters, of course; just don't send them. You could keep them all to show your son later, when he is an adult in search of answers. Right now, your best way of showing love is to continue showing respect for where he's at now, and to sustain that through regular indrect contact.

Best of luck, yukoncher.

You have had some brilliant responses Yuchonker and I'm sure you have benefitted from the responses from Ad mothers. However I don't think you should be writing to your adopted son (and certainly not to tell him he is lucky) he isn't lucky. He has what every child should have, a happy, stable life with loving parents who can love him unconditionally (in the way that you love your other 2 children)

You say you should concentrate on responding to your son's letters, maybe I've missed something but I thought you got thank you letters for the presents. I really think you made an error of judgement in finding out where the adoptors live and leaving presents on the doorstep. I think you have to accept that you run a very real risk of confusing your son and possibly causing disruption in the placement, and I am sure you don't want this, as you sound very level headed and actually want to know that your son is happy and "bonded" with his adoptive family. Not sure who his little sister is - is this a birth child or another adopted child. Whichever I don't think you should be asking about his relationship with her as in "are you looking after your little sister"

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh about this, but posters who are Ad mothers have explained why it is necessary to go through the letter box for indirect contact, and I think this is what you should do. I honestly think that the one thing you can give your son is the oportunity to live without confusion at the tender age of 10 which I suspect could well be the case and this would mean you staying out of his life for the time being. I'm sure you are aware that you can leave a note in the file that you would like contact when he is 18, and if he wants to meet up with you at some point in his life when he is an adult, then so be it.

Please don't think I am being judgemental about you - I am thinking of your son's life becoming confused and the possibility of him becoming distressed through this confusion. Hester put it better than me but it amounts to the same really.

[I can see your POV. But, me partly playing devil's advocate];

You don't think I should be writing to him? (did you misstype that?)

What I may ask him (basically= are you being a good big brother) is what I'd ask any child. I'm just trying to think of casual things to say.
I'm happy I found his address.
When you have a massive mysterious void in your life, it's unsettling. Maybe me being closer is complicated, but at least he'll know what I look like, so he won't wonder if any woman in the street he sees is me, and wonder wonder wonder, and even fantasize.

I think DS knowing me is more straight forward than me being left as a great mystery. He can't ignore the fact that some strange mystery woman gave birth to him.

I may aswell come gradually into his life, and him grow up knowing me bit by bit.
I would rather him look forward to normal things when he's 18, like going to university.
Rather than his teen years being consumed by the build up to a whole bunch of emotional turmoil of suddenly meeting me and his biofather.

I can understand your reasoning to a certain extent Yukoncher but these things have to be done at the child's pace. Bombarding him with info about people in his past will only confuse him. There may well become a time when he is mature enough to deal with his feelings that he may actively seek you out.

Until such a time it may be kinder if you allow your ds to get on with the life he knows and for you to move on as well. When the time is right you will be on hand to support your son if he requests it.

Sorry if I appear blunt but I have lots of experience with children who seem to be constantly emotionally charged by the actions of their birth parents. All children need to be given the time and space to grow up in a family who will love, protect and guide them until they are mature enough to make their own decisions.

I have two adopted children. One who sees her extended birth family, which is not the "norm", and one who has no wish to contact with his birth family. If and when my son requests to know about his birth family I will support him in any way I can, as I am sure most adoptive parents would. This would have to be when the time is right for my son. These important things cannot be rushed if they are to be effective for all concerned. I hope that makes sense?

Wow, that's really unfortunate.
Although I suppose it makes things more simpler for your side of the family.

I really hope that my son doesn't think contact with me or his blood brothers would be him being disloyal to his A-family. What a horrible utimatum. Not saying you enforced that.

I hope my son can comfortably have both families in his life.

Okay Maryz, I posted too soon without thinking, sorry!

Thank you for sharing your situation, it's helpful for me to know that some adoptive children feel that way.
I understand you sticking with what your daughter wants, of course.
And she sounds really mature, to know what she wants.
Obviously it's up to her and I don't think anyone should be forced to have contact.
Sorry for the negative post above.

Right, yeah, I expect my son's adoptive family to account for at least 80-90% of his identity, which is why I'm glad they're good people. And I want him to feel that he does belong with them, for his own sense of wellbeing.
I hope I can be considered part of the picture. Rather than a different choice entirely.
Ideally the A-parents would get along with me and I'd be welcomed for contact. Who knows if that will happen!
If A-parents feel threatend it won't. I'm glad I'm young so that they may not see me any competitor, but might have some mercy, perhaps.
They'll follow what DS wants, so I'll continue writing with him.

Oh my gosh! I'm not annoyed with you. This can so easily happen with online talking. Miscommunication going on right now.

I understand what you're saying. What I was describing for what I want and don't want, the negatives of that weren't directed at your situation.

I respect your stance and how you're doing things.

Maybe some kids feel like they'd upset a-family by wanting contact with b-family, though?
It's just that when you said your daughter doesn't think her blood siblings are really siblings, and is very loyal to adoptive siblings, it made me think maybe there's the idea that to want to know blood siblings would be disloyal in some way to a-siblings.

I think quite a lot of adoptees struggle with loyalty. Obviously, a lot don't, and everyone is different, but some people don't search out biological relatives because they feel like it would be disloyal. Personally, I would feel upset if a loyalty issue stopped any of my children searching, because I don't see it that way in the slightest (I see it more as the biological and adoptive parents have different roles, so no one is in any competition, and one does not negate the other), but at the end of the day, I have to support them in what they want - so if I were in Mary's situation, I would do the same as her, hold off letters if they were not wanted

I do want my children to get on well with all their siblings, wherever they might be, so I write letters and send photos and videos to their siblings families (all are either adopted, or adults and aged out of care), and we meet up with some of them, depending on how the adoptive parents feel, and how DD2 and DS are feeling. They have the best relationship with their adult siblings, not the ones close to their age. But, if DD2 wants to stop that ever, I will just exclude her from the letters. photos and videos (I will keep writing because of DS)

BUT, I do think that children see their siblings differently from their biological mother and father. DD1 would never consider contacting her first parents EVER, she actively tries to keep herself hidden, but she visits two of her sisters in particaular very often, and phones all of them, they are facebook friends etc. I don't always think a refusal to contact biological siblings equals a refusal to contact anybody else. I know another adoptee from care who only contacts an aunt and uncle. And people's feelings do sometimes change as their life goes on, sometimes quite dramatically

Yukoncher, you asked upthread who letters were normally written to. Letters are normally written between the parents, not the children. When the children are older, they can include a note from them as well if they want, or involve themselves in other ways. Until then, that leaves the parents to pick out of the letters things they know the kids can handle and share it with them. I personally have met DD2 and DS mum without them several times, and we have talked then in depth

The point is all children are different. Just because the children on this thread share one thing in common - they are all adopted - does not mean what is right for one child will be right for another.

In our family alone we have dd (10) for whom we have actively encouraged contact between her and her birth family because she was comfortable with direct and indirect contact. She sees her birth family 3 times a year and has even been on holiday with them (Her extended family as opposed to parents). We have a fab relationship with dd's birth family. She still regards us -The people she has spent all her life with, as her family. She enjoys being spilt every so often by her birth family but is also keen to return home.

DS (8) on the other hand was curious about his birth mother when he was 5 (Most probably because he has grown up knowing his sister has contact with her birth family). Contact was set up, by SS, between our son and his birth mother. He was both nervous and excited at the prospect of meeting his bio mum. Unfortunately the contact was very dissappointing for him as his bio mum ridiculed him about not wearing the latest designer trainers. He was 5 ffs!

Since then he has not wanted any contact with his birth family. Children who are adopted are usually confused about who they are and where they belong. This is why at some point they will be curious about their origins. Most adopters would welcome the chance for their children to gain as much knowledge as they can to satisfy their curiosity in order for them to acknowledge their past and move on - BUT it has to be done at the child's pace.

Yukoncher would it be reasonable to suggest you write letters to your son and write birthday cards every year and keep some memorabilia and pics of your life and special events in a treasure box for when he decides he would like to seek you out? When he is mature enough to deal with his emotions.

I am not trying to make you feel second best hun but as every parent knows their children's best interests must come first.

Oops! spoilt not spilt

Yuchonker - I think all these adoptive mums on here are bending over backwards to help you and are taking time with their very thoughtful posts. I am not an adoptive mum but a retired socialworker and team mgr in SSD for over 30 years. I know that will be enough to set you against me, as you have a low opinion of SSD. I can see why this is, and I can also see that as a 16 year old girl without any support, you must have been really struggling and did not want you son adopted.

However, you can't go back --- and yes I did say that I don't think you should write to him, asking him any questions (however innocent) nor telling him he has brothers or anything else about you and your family. You say "I may as well come gradually into his life and knowing me bit by bit" you then say you want him to go to university at 18 and not have his teen years consumed by emotional turmoil about his birth family (or words to that effect)

You are making so many assumptions here as though you can control what happens and at what age he should get to know you etc etc. Life isn't like that - it's not linear - as a lot of adoptive mums have told you it is up to the adoptee to decide, when he is old enough and mature enough to make the decision as to whether he wants to make contact with you. That is his right - not yours. Sorry but those are the facts.

This child's adoptive parents didn't sign up to his BM "gradually getting to know him when he was young, rather than when he was 18+, nor having christmas presents left on the doorstep and you writing directly to your son." They understood that adoption meant that he was a part of their family, not just throughout his childhood, but for life, like I imagine you think of your other sons.

I was surprised that you did not think that an adopted child might have divided loyalties between his BPs and his adoptive family. How might you feel if one of your sons you have with you, suddenly decided that he wanted to form a relationship with (say) a friend's mother. I know this isn't a very good example but I can't think of a better one. Some adoptees never want to search for their BMs, some do of course, often when the adoptive parents have died, or when they have children of their own. Sometimes the wives of adopted men encourage them to search. But that is their right and their alone.

I know my tone is prescriptive and not as patient as the other post, but I am beginning to get impatient with you (you say you are playing devil's advocate) about a child's life.........hmm.

I think the best thing you could do is to get some counselling to assist you with the loss that you feel of your first born, and believe me I am in no way unempathetic to your situation and I know women in their 70s and 80s who still yearn for their lost child.

You were surprisedd

I know the adoptive parents didn't sign up to let me into our son's life gradually, or even at all. But there's no harm in me discussing what I feel may be good for him.
I'm very well adapted to the adoption now. If anyone needs counselling now, it's probably my poor son, and then me and his adoptive family on an even keel, to deal with the new contact and future reunion of us all.

It'[s good to hear all the different stories of adoption and how contact has gone with BMs.

I did send pics of my boys to adopted DS and he did like the news that he had brothers, according to APs.
I'm happy I left a present, as again, he liked it.

I'm not going to gag myself and have no contact.

I will respect APs wishes to stick to Postbox for now.

And I am going to ask if they'll meet me, because I'd love to hear all about him as much as possible.
I'll leave the decision with them.
I'll ask them if I can send more pics of me and my family.
Or I may send them and it's their choice if they want to pass them on.

This is my boy we're talking about!