Serious disclosure from daughter…*content warning - sexual assault*

Hi op, I’m an adult in my 30s. I went to hypnotherapy to uncover childhood sexual assault. It didn’t remind me of the ins and outs, rather my feelings afterwards and I was able to identify the person.

the person was an adult, not a child at the time.

if she wants to uncover more then suggest hypnotherapy to her. But she doesn’t need to

So sorry for your DD. I think counselling is the right course of action. If you can afford to go private and quickly it would be useful to show her how seriously you are taking it.

As for the boy involved, I think you do need to take this further as he could be doing similar to other girls/children now. And when children abuse it can be cause they’ve been abused themselves so he may need support too. Perhaps if you frame it like that to your DD she may be happier? But in terms of who you tell and how, I’d try speaking to the NSPCC for advice on that.

Oh no OP that's so sad, I'm so sorry. I don't really have advice but one of my kids was taken advantage of and it was the most awful upsetting experience, to this day I haven't told DH as I was asked not and I find myself thinking about it a lot.

I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest just counselling and support for your girl.

It’s so important that she’s been able to disclose this to you. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

The thoughts and feelings to go to the family are valid, but to preserve your relationship you need to think carefully about next steps.

offering support and a safe space is really essential, and I wonder if both of you separately would benefit from speaking to someone for some sessions to process it all?

NC as this happened to me at same age as your DD. My mother found out ( I think from a neighbour as he tried same with her dd) My mother told me it was my fault and I probably instigated it. So you are the best mum ever for what you’ve said to your dd.
I think go at her pace, let he4 talk if she wants to, have time out if she wants. Offer counselling , leave that on the table until she’s ready.
You can also access counselling for yourself as it’s a horrible thing to come to terms with. But so far imo you’ve done everything right.

As difficult as it is you must respect her wishes.

That boy forced his wishes on her. He took away her feeling of safety and having autonomy. You doing the same, even with the best intentions, will make life even harder for her.

I’ve never forgiven the person I confided in for deciding that their opinion on what should happen, what I should do and who I should tell was better and more important than my opinion.

That is why you need counselling yourself so you have someone to talk this through with that's not involved to get support for yourself. You can't tell her dad about her trauma though, you're taking away her choices and control. If you haven't already then tell her asap that you were wrong and of course you will respect her privacy on this and not tell her dad if she doesn't want that.

At some point when she feels able to discuss things again mention her choice in thinking about contacting the police to report him.

I 100% support her right not to report. Let's not sugar coat the process. But he is a risk to others.

It's a horrid dilemma to have.

I am so so sorry this has happened to your daughter. I think potential give it a day or two, and then discuss it with her regarding the pros and cons for reporting it. It might be traumatic for her to re live it and for the perpetrator not to get any punishment or even charged. But she might also want to at least try and make him pay for what he did.

what a terrible secret to have to bare

Do not go against your Daughters wishes, she will never trust you again. She needs to be in controls of the whole situation. Don't stab her in the back.

Your poor daughter. In time I hope she gets the counselling and peace she deserves.

https://www.mosac.net/

This is an excellent support network for women in your position. Well worth speaking to them.

I'm sorry your DD has been living with this and I'm glad she has someone she can confide in now she's ready to talk to you.

So sorry this happened to you and your daughter.
You need to go at her pace with this and let her have control. Continue to support, reassure and talk to her about how she is feeling. You sound like a great mother than she can open up to. I do think that the boy should be reported especially as he may be doing this to other children but hopefully your daughter will agree to this in time.

It’s the stuff of nightmares. No advice and I can only imagine the mix of emotions and wondering what the ‘right’ thing to do is between telling her Dad and Police etc.

I hope in time she (and your family) find peace.

You absolutely must let her have control of the situation in terms of who knows; betraying her trust will help no one at all.

I would encourage counselling to help her process what happened - ideally with an LGBTQ friendly counsellor so that there is no thought or suggestion that this is being done to somehow make her contemplate being with a man.

Absolutely seek out counselling for her and for yourself. How I felt before counselling about talking to anyone about anything that happened to me is very different to how I felt now. It was as if once the light was shown on it, it was no longer a shameful awful secret that I couldn't talk about. Which made a massive difference in how I approached the choices I made going forward.

I am conflicted about not talking to your dh though. I agree that it's important to respect her wishes, but you two are also a team in parenting her. It may be that you need to say that it's a conversation you want to re-visit again after she has had some time to speak with someone. Just thinking about my own dc, I would find it very difficult as a parent and a partner if dh knew that one of our children had been abused but kept it from me. It would mean that I couldn't be the best parent or the best partner that I could be through a tough situation. I don't think there is an easy answer here, so I think it's something you both need to talk through with someone.

I think I would have to tell DH something, even if it's just along the lines of DD is going through something. She isn't ready for you to know yet. But together we are trying to think of the best thing to do. My DH would respect that and not press. I am nosey/ more unreasonable and I think with the situation reversed I'd respect it too

But God, what I think to hear from your poor DD. The others have had great suggestions with places to reach out to for support.

Hi op, I was in a similar position to your daughter. I was 11 and was attacked and falsely imprisoned by 3 adults. I was protecting my friend. They literally said pick. I wasn’t letting my friend get hurt. They then threatened me to stay quiet which I did for nearly 8 years. One piece of advice which is controversial is therapy is shit . I did it once and because I was a child, when the attack occurred the shrink automatically took my info and went to the police without my say so. It’s a safe guarding thing.

How would your DH react?

I'd think if he didn't go marching round to the house or making a huge fuss he should know on the quiet. You can't keep big secrets from him as your husband and her dad.

Your doing everything right so far, it's difficult situation all round.

@Yaffle97 your on wrong thread

I really don’t agree with the posters saying that OP’s husband has a right to know. Please don’t betray your daughter’s confidence, OP.

I went to hypnotherapy to uncover childhood sexual assault

This is very risky, emotionally, and not reliable or evidence-based, due to the natural reconstructive nature of memory.

No properly accredited hypnotherapist should ethically offer this.