Serious disclosure from daughter…*content warning - sexual assault*

Poor her and you OP. Your response to your daughter was perfect. It may well be worth her having some counselling to not get over this but to accept and move on from it if possible. It sounds very traumatic

OP - you have handled this so well. I agree that you need to let her dictate the pace of what happens next, and also that private counselling for you both separately is a good idea (because you access it quickly). However, even without knowing what your financial circumstances are, it would likely put a hole in the family finances that your DH would notice. Hopefully some of the support agencies listed above can help you navigate that dilemma.

I think people are right to tell you to be led by your daughter on how to handle this going forward.

I do think it’s worth you knowing that if your daughter discloses this to someone at school before she turns 18, they will make a referral to social care and police, with or without her consent. They have a duty to report and child safeguarding is a legitimate reason for sharing information without consent under GDPR. It’s also possible that specialist counselling will not be able to proceed with a case involving a child under the age of 18 unless a report has been made to the police, for similar reasons. That doesn’t mean that she has to take it any further than the initial report or give a statement, but sexual abuse of a child is something that a lot of professionals have to report to police and social care.

I don’t think you should say anything to the boy’s family. As a 10-11 year old with severe learning difficulties, what he did could be an indicator that he was himself a victim of child sexual abuse. You could well be passing this information on to people who sexually abused him.

You sound like a wonderful mum and your daughter is really lucky to have you.

I do think it’s an awful secret for you to keep to yourself and hopefully your dd may well think about what you’ve said about telling her dad, and she may come round to the idea. Just leave things for a few days and see what happens.x

I do have a similar experience with my Dd, she told her dad first (I was having health issues at the time and she didn’t want to upset me) and he persuaded her to tell me also. She actually said later that she was so glad we both knew, as we could both support her together.

I’m so sad for you and your poor DD. I’ve been in a very similar situation with my DD - please PM me if you want to ask anything.

I think you should respect your DD’s wishes and not tell her dad or the family or the police or anyone - she had no control when it happened so it’s very important she has complete control of the situation now, and everything should happen at her pace. It sounds like you have a lovely DH, so I’m sure there will come a time when she’ll be ready for you to tell him - it might even be quite soon, now she’s opened up to you and you’ve handled it so well.

Someone has linked to Rape Crisis, please contact them for free help & counselling, they really are the fully trained experts in this. I was also able to get my own counselling from them to support me so I could support her - that’s important too, as I imagine it’s all you can think about and have all kinds of emotions.

I felt devastated / guilty that I hadn’t noticed anything, she hadn’t told me sooner, that I didn’t somehow prevent it. I felt angry that it happened, it wasn’t fair, why her, I even felt a pretty murderous rage at times. I grieved for her future, I worried this would have repercussions throughout her life in ways I hadn’t even thought of…. all these thoughts going around my head all the time, while trying to be extra vigilante that my DD was coping ok and keeping everything light and normal around her and everyone else.

I think that’s a fairly normal reaction, so please don’t worry if you feel a bit like you’re going out of your mind - it’s a lot to process. Take care of yourself and your dd, wishing you all the best.

You are doing everything right. She must trust you because I didn't disclose my primary school sexual assault to my parents until I was well into adulthood. My assailants would have been a similar age to hers.

In my case, I was the autistic and they were the neurotypical ones. Autism isn't an excuse to sexually assault someone and that boy knew that what he was doing was wrong, he wouldn't have made the other kids leave the room if he didn't.

You must not tell your DH nor anyone else. This is historical abuse, there is no current danger to your DD from this young man, so there is no safeguarding justification for breaking her confidence. It is for your DD to decide if and when to disclose to others. She trusted you enough to tell you and you will retraumatise her if you break her trust.

Yabu to not allow your dh to support his dd too. And ime you will need his support.. Yes it is dd's secret to tell but she needs support to confide in her other parent. This will stay with her forever and her df needs to know. When she is an adult and left home and feeling able to cope better your marriage will have a dirty great black cloud over it... Your dh may never forgive you. Will that help dd if you split up? You both need all the support you can get.

Also, DD may be concerned that DH may go marching around to the assailant's house to confront him, which may end in a physical fight with either the assailant or his father. She won't want her DF getting arrested and she won't want the entire neighbourhood to find out that she was molested, which will happen if there's a shouting match on a doorstep or the police get called.

I am sorry to read this.

Due to the boys age at the time I don't this is an immediate safe guarding risk to another child that you need to act on and therefore i absolutely would not disclose to anyone else. Not your husband and definitely not someone associated with the boy. The impact to your daughter would be to great for very little gain.

The only advice I have It's to know that she's got a lovely mother. Do not doubt yourself. Take the lead from your daughter.

Hi Op,
What a shock that must be to you but remember she has known this for years, do absolutely nothing at the moment, you need to digest it. You have handled it very well so far - not over reacted to her but have listened, believed and comforted but you must be in turmoil inside.
Very similar story here. 12 yr old told me, happened 6 years before. I was absolutely horrified, I was so shocked but managed to keep my cool. As she managed to get the words out eventually - my mind was in turmoil. Where, who, how, why? How had I allowed this to happen?!
But most importantly how did it affect her in the present day?
So she said that she always tried to put it at the back of her mind but it would pop up and and been a lot recently. She felt very relieved that she had told me and that was enough for her. She swore me to secrecy and like you I have a sensible husband. I lived with it for a few days and we spoke again about it and I got her to agree to telling df. Not a chance was I tell to tell anyone else.
This boy was troubled and I knew (after a few days) that there was no advantage to my dd to inform his parents or the police.
The last thing she wanted was making a big drama out of it and and having to explain and relive it over and over again. We are 5 years on and we occasionally mention it and roll our eyes in the awful behaviour of that boy.
I will say though it was a 1 off and of course this advice would be completely different had it been more serious or happened even twice.
Good luck

Please please do not disclose to DH. My boyfriend disclosed my rape to my Mum when I was 16 who told me Dad despite me pleading to her not to and my Dad tried to speak to me and i felt so much shame that I still feel whenever i think about him knowing now and I am 36. Please please do not disclose to him unless she says so.

If her DH is a decent man he’ll understand why, with the nature of the assault on their daughter, the OP kept his daughter’s confidence until she was ready.

She needs time to deal with the fact she’s told her mother first. Not pressured into the impact on her parents marriage if her father isn’t happy not being told.

Oh FFS how selfish do you have to be to centre "the marriage" over the daughter's needs? If DH doesn't understand that his daughter needs privacy and to be able to trust her mother, then he deserves to be divorced.

Clearly and luckily all of you have never been in op's situation...
Won't post again about it.

No. I was just "lucky" enough to be in the daughter's situation. Had my mother disclosed to my father before I was ready, I would never have spoken to her again, much less trusted her with anything else.

When you are dealing with a sexual assault victim, you put the victim's needs ahead of your wants. End of. Anything less is betraying the victim.

Luckily? Yes, those of us who have posted having been in the DDs position are so fucking lucky…

I had similar happen at 8 years old. I’d gone to a new primary school and was making friends but shy. A boy a year older showed an interest in me and looked at and touched my vagina I think once in a secluded corner of the playground. I was so desperate to fit in as my other friends had “boyfriends” that I let him do it but very reluctantly and I think I said no too, but he ignored me. Luckily an older girl saw and reported him to the teachers. I think this was summer term and I left at the end of term. My DM took me to the doctor but it was all very brushed under the carpet. I do know I got more sexually interested in doctors and nurses with friends afterwards and as a teenager I was promiscuous. I’m sure it’s related to this attack. I think I’ve spoken once about it during therapy but not more than once.

I’d get your DD to have therapy but I’d want the boy prosecuted. Sadly the reason your DD is a lesbian is probably because of this abuse by a boy.

She's a lesbian because she fancies women. Most female CSA victims are straight.

Please, please, please do not frame it like this for your daughter. By all means talk about the option of reporting, but to try and coerce her into reporting by telling her it might happen to others is an ENORMOUS burden to place on her. I am speaking from experience of a very similar incident, and the guilt and worry about this still plagues me over 30 years later. People have said horrific things to me about having not reported anything. Your daughter is NOT responsible for anything having happened to anyone else, so please don't take this approach. I really believe it could be incredibly dangerous. The advice about speaking to the NSPCC is good advice, though. They can also help you re-approach the subject of reporting without placing any further burden on your daughter.

Also, as a gay woman for years I worried that my gayness was because of what happened to me. As an adult it took a long time, but I was eventually able to process that for me I am just gay. It will take time, but with some support and guidance your daughter will eventually figure out what is true for her and her sexuality, too. She is still so young.

You sound like a wonderful mother, and your responses so far sound perfect. You have a difficult time ahead, but I promise you and your daughter that it does get better. Xx

I'd just like to remind posters of the first rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

When you suggest that the DD has a responsibility to prevent the assailant from reoffending, you are making her responsible for his decision to reoffend. This is misogyny and it's also the last thing that the DD needs.

I am so sorry for your daughter OP and for you and everything you are going through. Counselling for both of you is a good idea and It would be better if your DH knew as well. Maybe you could gently broach the subject of telling her dad after the GCSE results come out. You both need support. It has been more than 30 years since those boys held me down in the playground. I was 8 at the time and the boys were 11 and my biggest regret now is not speaking out at the time. I worry incase I allowed them to damage someone else’s life. I told my DM when I was about your DD age and she told my DF. DF never mentioned it but I knew if I had wanted to talk about it again he would have supported me in any way he could.

Could your GP help with a referral to Mind or other counselling service or even the victim support services - if I understand them correctly, she doesn't need to report the crime, but can still use the support services. It all needs to be discrete for her sake, so for tge time being create a good cover story that allows you both talk time and tge opportunity without questions to disappear for a few hours whilst she gets access to help.

Bless her, and you cannot shoulder any blame. How could you have known?

Lovely I am so sorry. Your daughter’s experience is basically the same as mine. It happened when I was 7 but didn’t tell my parents till I was 11 as I was so worried they would think I was lying. I still have a complex/ irrational fear of people thinking I’m lying now at 31!

I struggled a lot through my teens questioning if what I remembered was real/ had I imagined parts etc? It’s horrid. I think young minds find it so hard to process so end up blurring parts or blocking bits out to be able to cope.

Also this sounds awful but the more and more people you meet through life you realize unfortunately it’s not a rare occurrence. If you google sex abuse survivors support groups in your area there will be something too. Not saying that will be right for her but it’s good to know they’re there.

I just wanted to say your post completely and utterly resonated with me and I will be thinking of you all.

Your DD is lucky to have a supportive mum and what she's told you is a huge shock.

When she is ready, get her some proper help. I know of someone who was abused in similar circumstances, who over the years told her family what was going on, but who was never properly believed or helped. It has clouded her life and it was many years before the perpetrator was eventually tried and jailed.