Serious disclosure from daughter…*content warning - sexual assault*

Firstly your response to her has been incredible well done op. I’ve personally been through this myself I was a victim of childhood SA by an adult. I never told a sole till I told my mum as a teenager. I always said to my mum that my pain was mine to feel and I had to deal with it my way. She respected my wishes and I had counselling with a local rape crisis charity that really helped me process. I was like her and I still don’t fully remember all that happened to me and that frustrates me more than anything. I would absolutely not tell her dad but I would get some help for your own feelings towards this. It’s a very personal recovery and she absolutely has to do this her way.

Is it worth ringing a helpline that’s set up for the correct advice needed in this situation? Lots of people have opinions but only certain people have the training required to give informed advice.

My thoughts on the male involved is if the family aren’t told then there’s no way to check he hasn’t done similar to his own siblings. If you think he has learning difficulties it makes it even the more worrying that he many not know he has done wrong and could carry on offending with vulnerable children he comes into contact with.

I was sexually assaulted by a family friends son at a similar age. We were both still kids, it happened multiple times and he did it with other girls. I told my mother and she said ‘it wasn’t traumatic’ - I’m starting EMDR therapy next week. You seem like a great mother, she will have trauma even if he has disabilities, autism and ld isn’t an excuse as a mother of an autistic son with a brain injury I make sure to be clear on what behaviour is appropriate. Don’t force her to tell her dad (I was made to tell my grandfather who was like a father figure) and if you can afford it I’d pay for private therapy/counselling specialising in trauma. If not I would research charities that support child sexual abuse survivors and see if she can get counselling that way. You seem like a great caring mum.

Get her and yourself some professional help but let your daughter make the decisions and definitely don't betray her trust or try to force her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. Her feelings towards what she wants to do may change as time goes by and she needs to know that that is OK too

www.yesmatters.co.uk/

This organisation was amazing when I was looking for support with my experience. I recommend contacting them.

I don’t think telling the family would achieve anything, but at some point they’ll need to know their son has sexually assaulted someone. I’d focus on getting her counselling now. If she has trauma symptoms do look into EMDR.

For free counselling I recommend rape crisis. They were really good to me.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/support-and-services/counselling/

Most importantly don’t tell your husband as she asked you not to. Steamrolling over her wishes as YOU believe it to be the best thing would be a dick move and she won’t forgive you nor tell you anything in future.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Neither of you should feel any guilt, you haven't done anything wrong. Please Google your local sexual assault referral centre and speak to them. They are NHS services that support survivors of sexual assault, no matter when it happened. They can help her and you to get the right help.

You sound like a lovely mother and she trusts you and work with that at the moment. You sometimes remember more when you are older. When I started to get older and into relationships it made me remember more things and understand they were wrong that I had previously buried/not understood.

teally difficult one with your partner as he will tell you are keeping something from him. The organisations listed are the place to start and the main focus is protecting her not anything else. But keep going with the words that the shame or secret isn’t hers to keep, that’s what abusers want and no one will ever see her as anything other than an unwilling victim

Firstly, it's a huge positive that she has shared that with you. I would very seriously find yourself someone to talk to in a professional way because this burden she's been carrying for years is now yours to carry to.

I had something happen to me when I was around that age, and honestly, counselling really didn't help me. I found more benefit from CBT where I could learn how to put things inside a box in your head and lock them away, giving you control over when you want to open it... if that makes sense.

You cannot keep this a secret, because doing so potentially puts other dc at risk. I think you need to tell the police. I also think you cannot keep this a secret from her other parent, and I wouldn't advise promising this.

No, this is not for any 3rd party to decide. Only the daughter gets to choose whether to report to the police.

This isn't an issue of guilting the young woman into a disclosure, she needs to be ready and willing or it's yet another consent issue being run roughshod over her in such an huge piece of her life.

The NSPCC may also be worth contacting, they ran specialist therapy programs for dc who had been sexually abused, although they do much less now.
They would be able to talk through the child protection process, whether a therapist would contact the police as a pp mentioned etc.
Also have recommendations for services in your area.

Big mumsnet proxy aunty hugs to your dd, please tell her she is a brave young woman who has taken the first and hardest step by telling you. It will be a journey but she has started it.

Do you have a local rape crisis centre? They should be able to advise you about how she can access support if she wants to, now, or in the future.

I think you do need to take the issue further, this young man is now a grown adult, bigger and stronger that he was as a ten year old. It could well be that he has already been identified as someone who doesn’t understand sexual boundaries, but there is also the chance that he hasn’t, and now he is an adult, a lot bigger and stronger than a ten year old. If he does the same to another child, or to a woman the consequences could be even worse than your dds experience.

I also think you need to detach your family legally from the situation, so while it might seem heavy handed I think informing the police is the only way forward, it would not be appropriate for you to contact the family. Let the police deal with it, I don’t think they will be looking at pressing charges, but they need to be aware of the situation in case further allegations ever arise with regard to the young man.

🌻

I agree with PP's saying the boy's family need to be made aware. Yes he was a child himself at the time, and a learning disability is of note, however neither excuse what he did (and the fact that he ordered the other children out of the room illustrates that he knew full well what he was doing was wrong).
I think talking therapy is a very good idea, necessary in fact, given the profound effect on your daughter; my heart goes out to her.
Talking therapy will also help your daughter understand the preventative nature of why its vital that the boy's family are made aware.

Have you contacted NAPAC they might be able to support you or signpost you to over services.

https://napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/

Oh, how awful for you & your DD.

I remember feeling as your DD might, in that "I can't tell Dad, he'll just tell me to lie down while he calls the police" and then I'd lose all control of the situation.

Control is SO IMPORTANT here. But yes, how to keep it from your DH is a mind-fuck.

Please do seek professional help, this is huge. Hang in there, you sound like you're doing well so far. X

You sound like a lovely mother. How safe she must have felt to be able to come to you.

If he does the same to another child, or to a woman the consequences could be even worse than your dds experience.

That is not the responsibility of the Op or her DD.

Betraying her daughter’s trust right now, and that’s exactly how it would feel for her DD, is absolutely the worst thing the OP could do to her daughter.

Opening up to her mother is a massive step and doing anything other than supporting her right now could easily see her daughter shut down and never open up again.

If she can’t trust her own Mum then who can she? That’s how she’ll feel.

Give her time to process that she has disclosed something big to you and that you have not abandoned or judged her.

In time, maybe not a long time, you or her counsellor could explore why she doesn't want to tell her dad and how fair it is to expect you to deal with this alone and without support (apart from the vipers).

Girls and their daddies can be a complex dynamic. I assume that your husband will react in the same way as you, by prioritising your daughter's needs and I hope she is able to consider including him.

I'm very sorry this has happened to your family, but I am very pleased she was able to tell you. It is worth bearing in mind that not everyone has that sort of relationship and that you knowing about this vile thing is better than her managing it alone. Take good care of yourself.

Horrible though it is it's a good thing that she has come to you with this. I think that this is the biggest step for people who have suffered these assaults.

Lots of useful contacts here but you have to absolutely abide by her wishes and do things at her speed, however much you want to share and help her.

I'd think if he didn't go marching round to the house or making a huge fuss he should know on the quiet. You can't keep big secrets from him as your husband and her dad.

My mum used to tell my dad things I told her in confidence. I say 'used to' because as a consequence I no longer tell her things in confidence. I know it's difficult because there are torn loyalties, but there is a big risk she will simply stop telling her mother anything and then she will be on her own, dealing with this.