Serious disclosure from daughter…*content warning - sexual assault*

Just coming on here to say the same as @ThreeLittleDots. Hypnotherapy is very unregulated and it’s highly unlikely someone offering hypnotherapy will have specific training in this particular area or any trauma informed training. There is no reliable accreditation process for hypnotherapy and however decent and ethical the individual there is no evidence to support hypnotherapy used in this way. It’s such a delicate area that it needs careful support not tinkering.

@Andontothenextproblem I think others are right, you can’t say anything to anyone else involved at this point but some of the support agencies may be able to give both of you a steer on how to approach this emotionally, socially, legally. Your daughter is a brave young woman and you are just the sort of supportive and thoughtful mum we all would want. Don’t seek any counselling or therapy from just anywhere. I am an NHS psychotherapist and we have always referred to a specialist agency for this kind of issue. Some of the PPs have mentioned agencies such as Rape Crisis and I think that’s the place to start.

I suffered abuse as a child from another child and kept quiet till my teens as mother didn't pick up my hints something was going on.

Unlike with your dd my parents didn't support or believe me. Everyone got told (safeguarding as I was a child). I knew everyone knew but it was shameful we couldn't talk about it. I told because i could see him grooming his next victim. Me telling did not help me cuz no one believed me. I think he did it to the girl I was worried about but a while later there was a big awkwardness she stopped going to school, changed school, dropped all her friends. He still suffered no consequences but after the second girl made accusations he lost friends. I hope the other girl was believed but I don't know. Maybe my speaking up meant she was, maybe her parents were as shit as mine. He was a very popular boy. But I stand by telling to protect others it's the right thing to do. However I would not take that decision from your dd. Just let her know she would have your support if she wanted to protect others but ultimately she needs to protect herself. Once it's out it's out and so many people get told and even the ones who don't need to know find out via gossip (I'm going back 20 years but people still gossip) and then you wonder if they know even if they probably don't.

BY FAR the most harmful and lasting thing for me was the fall out. The not being believed and being made to feel ashamed by parents who were too embarrassed to face it. It led me to a lifetime of abusive relationships I keep thinking I've cracked it then next partner turns out shit.

Other than supporting her to make a decision on if she's telling appropriate authorities or not the absolute best thing you can do is as you have. Keep up that message it was not her fault and she did nothing wrong. She should not feel shame and guilt for being a vulnerable child. She is worth so much and she should never ever settle for a partner who treats her anything other than with the utmost respect she deserves. Just because a partner doesn't overtly abuse you like you had happen as a child doesn't make them a good partner. I wish my parents had taught me this. It wasn't until I became a mother myself I realised how fucking innocent and vulnerable I was at that age and how badly I was failed by the school but mostly how appallingly I was failed by my parents.

I also think respect your daughter wishes about not telling her dad if that's how she feels.

Absolutely. The OP's dd has told her in confidence, and the OP's first (and only) priority right now is her daughter's welfare.

In the fullness of time maybe the dd might feel able to talk to a third party, but for the sake of her mental health, it would be harmful to start a process like that now.

Did 10/11 year olds have camera phones 6 years ago? He might not have taken pictures of her.

OP, I really feel for you, and your daughter.
I'm glad you will support her in getting counselling and I hope you seek help too as well?
It was a big big step for her to confide in you and I think advice to tell the authorities is well-meaning but she is not there yet.
The want to tell your DP (her dad?) is also Confusing... of course you feel conflicted and want his support but maybe this is too soon. Worth saying again in a week or so? This is going to be a hard slog for both of you and realistically, her going to counselling etc won't work if he doesn't know, it becomes another secret.
I hope telling strangers on the internet has made you feel a little less alone (and I'm not being sarcastic, it's a great alternative to real life and keeps your daughters confidence

This happened to me as a kid (by another kid aged maybe a year older than me) ... i don't have much advice because I'm not sure it upsets me to the same degree as it does your own child. I remember him initiating it but I didn't feel scared or upset at the time. Maybe just curious..

I've never told my mum or felt the need to, perhaps because i'm unsure I was a victim of anything since we were both kids. It's more that I feel embarrassed by it. And i'm sure he would too. But i've also read it's more common than we'd assume, just that many don't speak about it as adults.

It's totally different IMO if an adult or teen abuses a child.

Good luck OP. I think counselling is a great first step (for you both)

This must be really upsetting for you. It sounds like you have done and said all the right things by believing her and assuring her that it is not her fault. Rape Crisis have a lot of advice information and links for people who are friends or family of someone who has been abused. The gist of it is that the survivor should be allowed to determine the way forward and do things when, and only when they feel ready. I would recommend their helplines to you and your daughter. I hope this helps.

The agency we referred to was Family Matters who were so good. However they only serve the south east but this link may be helpful for support local to you OP. I really hope your DD gets the support she so deserves, and you too.

https://victimschoice.org.uk/

May I PM you please @BeakerCupSaucerEggs ?

Hypnotherapists are cowboys along with their “Clifton practice registrations” it’s a real scandal.

Hypnotherapists are cowboys along with their “Clifton practice registrations” it’s a real scandal

Always choose one with externally validated qualifications that meet the National Occupational Standards... But run far away from anyone offering regression hypnosis.

I was abused for a couple of years from the age of 6. My heart breaks for your daughter and for you. I think you're doing all the right things and I wish I had had someone like you in whom to confide.

Don't be in too much of a hurry. Your daughter has lived with this for years and has dreaded you finding out. Be gentle and patient, reassure her that there is plenty of time for her to tell you how she feels, to remember things and to deal with them. Let her take her own time. Just having told you will shake up her feelings, so let them settle. If she doesn't want you to tell your husband, respect that and remember she may change her mind about that as she sees how your love for her hasn't been lessened (probably even grown) and she may later want him to know.

As you are doing, put her well-being at the centre of everything you do, every decision you take. Don't tell the police or anyone else if she doesn't want you to. She needs to know she can trust you - and once again, she may decide differently later. Don't let her feel under pressure to "save" others. That is a terrible way to treat a victim, to pile on responsibility; she probably already feels responsible (wrongly but understandably) for what he did to her. She needs to feel like the weight she has borne all these years has been lifted, not intensified.

I wish you both every good thing in dealing with these horrible assaults. She's lucky to have such a loving and thoughtful mum

@ThreeLittleDots

I don’t require it but I know two cowboys who run their hypno business after “qualifying” with this shambolic Clifton practice. One has a very professional looking website but it’s all smoke and mirrors to provide unregulated (and very expensive) “treatment”.

I‘m so sorry to hear what your daughter and you are going through. You must be so upset and full of so many emotions. I would speak to an accredited mental health professional who specialises in sexual abuse for children and young people. I would also see what support you can get for yourself and your family. If you feel like it would be helpful please do speak to your daughter’s school and inform them, if there is any chance that your daughter’s emotional distress may impact on anything with her education or if she needs support at school for anything. I do think you should speak to child social services to ask them what to do going forwards because the child / young person who did this to your daughter needs to be stopped from doing this again and to understand what they have done is wrong and should never be repeated. Sending so many kind wishes to you. Hope you can do some self care as you must be so tired and mentally exhausted.

Just to add- like other posters have said it would be good to get consent from your daughter to disclose what she has been through to others so she feels in control. It sounds like you are doing all the right things in supporting her.

Theborder

Yes, I avoided those traps in my own training but loads don't, or don't even care that their own training school certifies them. Embarrassing for the profession.

Unfortunately, like counselling, anyone can claim to be a qualified hypnotherapist via little or no adherence to standards.

@ThreeLittleDots

I agree. Really cheapens the professions when people do it properly like yourself and then you have these fools claiming to treat allsorts.

Just to echo everything @Emptyandsad said. It's our instinct as mothers to charge in and fix what we can when our child is hurting...but in this case, taking a deep breath and allowing you & her some time to think about it is best. You've already been signposted to a lot of great resources (Gods, I wish they were not needed) and they will be able to advise you in confidence.

Oh OP, that’s really sad and traumatic to hear as a parent. I think the best thing to do as a parent is to help your daughter deal with this and maybe when she’s older, she can choose to possibly say something.

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid but just hear as a hand hold.

Hi OP

Please feel free to dm me.

I had something similar at the same age, but it was my dad and it was violent and pre mobiles.
I suddenly had what I can only describe as a break down last year and decided I needed therapy. My husband thought I was going to leave him. He didn’t know, no one did. I paid for private counselling. It was predominantly on zoom, which was odd but actually worked for me. It made an enormous difference to my life.
I think your DD should tell your DH, but it has to be in her own time. She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel like she has the inner strength.
If you are still in contact with the boy and his family, I would be looking at calling the police. Your DD needs to be ok with this of course, but he cannot be trusted, additional needs or not, he is an abuser and if he doesn’t understand, then his parents need to know what it is that he is up to. I would worry that girls around him weren’t safe.

I’ve just remembered that the NSPCC helpline for adults to call if they have concerns could be very helpful.

Re the issue of disclosure - I actually think there's a risk associated with leaving the decision making to a child in this situation. She can, of course, fully control whether she speaks to the police, but if an adult, who she has disclosed to then does nothing, that is also giving her a message that is quite negative that what happened isn't a big deal or worth taking seriously.

My view will always remain that if you know that a child is at risk, you have a duty to act to keep them safe. I imagine your dd has an idea that adults will act to keep everyone safe. Not doing so may not be the win people are making out.

Don't tell anyone without your daughter's consent, and don't pressure her. Fuck your dh's 'right to know'. This is her body.