Serious disclosure from daughter…*content warning - sexual assault*

A few lesbians I know have told me personally it is partly because they detest men and have been sexually assaulted, usually by men.

Oh I feel like definitely you can only support her with what she wants to do. Definitely.
It also doesn't always help to go to the police, what is going to help is healing & coming to terms with what's happened. For your DD that might or might not include reporting the incidents.

@Andontothenextproblem I have had EMDR for childhood trauma and thoroughly recommend it.

The lesbians you have spoken to still have to be same-sex attracted though. You can't make yourself not fancy men, I've tried! Dsis, who is straight, says you can't make yourself fancy women either. I can see how, for a bisexual woman who leaned more towards women anyway, sexual assault might make her rule out acting on the small attraction that she felt for men and she might describe herself as lesbian because she only acts on her attraction to women. That's not the case for the majority of lesbians though.

I think it's really damaging both to lesbians and sexual assault victims to promote a narrative that sexual assault will turn a woman lesbian.

1. It pathologises a healthy and natural sexual orientation by portraying it as a sexual manifestion of PTSD.
2. It propagates the toxic idea that sexual assault stops you from enjoying heterosex ever again, an idea weaponised by Russian soldiers in the genocidal rape of Ukrainian wome. The soldiers actually told the women that their intent was to traumatise them so much that they couldn't have sex in the future to get pregnant with Ukrainian babies.
3. Corollary to (2), there's a subtext of "if you do enjoy heterosex later, you can't have actually been sexually assaulted". The footballer Ched Evans had his rape conviction overturned because of that myth.

I think this thread title needs a trigger warning.

This is all utterly hypothetical, however there'd be absolutely nothing wrong with a parent hoping to be (as) equally trusted (as the other parent); I doubt there's a parent on here who would be content to feel less trusted than the other.
The PP was entirely correct in pointing out that family secrets habitually create (often extreme) toxicity.
Hypothetically talking about selfish husbands worthy only of divorce will not, I'd hazard, hit particularly helpful or assuring to the OP.

I think the title indicates what to expect.

I hope you're doing OK, OP and the trip away/ festival results gave your daughter something to focus on. There are two things here - getting your daughter the support she needs (and this may or may not involve telling DH, her choice) and also addressing the serious side of the assault. I understand how ashamed your daughter is feeling. Would a rape charity or nspcc perhaps be able to guide you because it may be that you could report this to SS anonymously? I'm
Not sure.

A request from a young girl that her father not be told about her sexual assault is not a "family secret". It is her 'secret' (although I feel that word isn't quite correct here - suggests there should be some shame around it when there absolutely, obviously, shouldn't be), and hers only. To tell or not tell as she so chooses. It's an incredibly difficult thing for any parent to bare this knowledge, of course, but that doesn't mean that this young girl should be coerced into informing her father. Of course he would likely feel awful if he ever did find out, but this isn't about him. It's about his daughter.

OP, I hope things are going as okay as they possibly can for all of you. X

@Andontothenextproblem
You sound like you’re doing everything brilliantly, she’s lucky to have a mum like you.
Glad she’s going to tell her dad, as that means you have another adult to talk to about this.

I said upthread that my Dd had had a similar experience as a teenager, in the end we got therapy for her as it all became too much for her to cope with- flashbacks, anxiety etc. This didn’t really come out fully for almost a year, it was as if, once she’d told her family she buried it.
Just keep your eyes open to her needing some extra support in the future.

You sound phenomenal and such a supportive mum.
I can only imagine how horrific this is for you all but sounds like you are doing brilliantly

This is exactly how I feel! I'm glad someone else has said this, because I felt that I was weird. I've always been left with the feeling "was that ok or was it not ok?" It hasn't had any impact on me, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't on someone else or that it would lessen their experience.

For what it's worth OP, I agree that any further action needs to be decided by your brave DD. You are obviously a lovely, open and caring mum. And it's absolutely lovely that she could come to you to and disclose this. She probably feels so much lighter being able to share it with someone.
Just continue to be there for her 💐

OP

Your older DD is very brave.
Your middle DD is only a child at 14, so don't think you can change how she thinks now.
However hopefully with time when she becomes an adult hopefully she won't feel like the comfort of her friend's family is paramount.
So your older DD could at least then feel that she's not a secondary consideration then.

Currently she needs to hear from you that she is your main priority (and not keeping the peace / embarrassment etc) in case she doesn't want to keep this a secret. But again it needs to be her choice.

I would contact your local domestic abuse service. They will be able to signpost you to an ISVA (Independent Sexual Violence Advisor). They can support you and your daughter to access counselling, and can advise on pros and cons of reporting, provide support re criminal justice system and can offer things like providing anonymous intelligence. I think as she is now 16, it will be her choice as to whether she reports to police.

@MoonWoman69 I wondered that too & genuinely worry that I should be more traumatised by a SA that happened to me when I was 13 by a male adult. It went to court and he was sentenced to prison, yet it strangely doesn't effect me..

I would say, and this will probably be a very unpopular comment, but there can be a fine line between getting appropriate counselling if she chooses to go down that route, and opening up old wounds or exacerbating the trauma. I think that the most important part is to try to remain calm and process the information, research counselling and other therapy options and the make a decision about the way forward when you both feel a little calmer. If you respond in a calm way, you'll be able to give her the reassurance that she needs.