Teenager`s depression is ruining my life

[sincerestwonders]

I`ve been quite upset lately regarding my oldest child. Noticed upsetting and depressive behaviour in teenage girl, aged 17 (17y 9mth):

1. says she is lonely all the time, she is actually quite social and extroverted,she actually has no friends or peers her own age. She is home educated and we live in a very small town where the other residents and what peers her own age there are (of which there arent many as most of the towns residents are middle aged commuters) tend to ignore her/leave her out. Theres also a dire lack of social spaces in our local area for youths- most kid or retiree orientated.

2)says she is ugly, apparently we cant get braces/teeth fixed on NHS (too late to join waiting list), cannot afford private. Noticed she has been eating noticeably less food (observed her cutting all food into quarters, now only eats three quarters of what I serve her, drinking large amount of water). Shes 5ft 4, 75kg and wears size 12/14 clothes.

3)has no idea what to do post 18. The idea was to send her to college next year, but she expresses just a generic (apprenticeship) or low payed retail jobs. Definitely doesnt want to go to university, going to be difficult with 1 gcse, even though she is doing english and maths functional skill level 1 this year. I told her to do freelance part time like me but hasnt favoured this.

Personally I think she has depression. I was considering talking therapy, is this the best option?

There are thousands of families in this position across the country. Desperate to get their anxious kids to school and out the house. Told they have failed their kids and yet their kids cannot cope with modern school. It’s an enormous and growing problem and these kids will be unlikely to work nor contribute to society (and the tax system). Telling parents they just need to get their kids to school is pointless - these young people are unable to do so,

my child told me that had I forced her to attend after her burnout (and one day I drove her in and tried to drag her and she ran away and nearly was hit by a van)- had I forced it each day, she said she would have killed herself. And yes we tried other schools, small and large.

I wish people would educate themselves about the horrors of trying to get neurodiverse young people into a modern school system. We don’t home educate because we want to but because we have no other choice

There is a world of difference between a parent homeschooling reluctantly and out of necessity because they recognise the adverse impact it can have on their child’s life and this OP. She is selfish to the core, entitled and uncaring. Frankly she deserves every criticism she gets and I am sick of a society that enables and colludes in this behaviour

Where’s her dad in all this?

I don't like pile ons, they can often be very cruel but it's going to piss people off when a poster keeps starting the same thread and hoping we will all just forget the previous ones and give different replies.

It’s not the same. The OP took her DD out of education at age 8 claiming the teachers were violent to the pupils. I do have sympathy with parents of school refusers and it must be incredibly difficult.

Social services should be all over homeschooled children for this reason exactly. It’s so isolating and most time has more to do with their parent than the child. Shame on you.

Just looking through your other thread. Your son has 2 GCSE's? Did you home ED him too? TBH, I don't think you are really up to educating your children. Qualifications aren't everything but the fact that the qualifications are so poor and your DD is struggling so much points to a failing on your part. You might not have liked the school she was at but why didn't you find another school? In your other thread you make disparaging comments about another school. You need 8 GCSE's to get in, they are snobs etc. I honestly don't know what the answer is as your dd really isn't equipped for the real world. Thats on you. You need to take a really good hard look at yourself, your perceptions and how the pair of you can move forward because as much as your dd needs to forge her way in life, you need some introspection and a life change too. But please don't drag your poor dd further down with you. Get her into college, let her live independently from you, maybe with a host family who can show her what a regular (I don't say normal as who knows what normal is) every day life as a young adult is. Because goodness knows she hasn't had the opportunity to have any kind of childhood.

So you have an overweight under schooled and under parented teenager and she is ruining your life….ok

Agree. I think the majority who think home education is good are narcissists who want total control over what their children learn. They also don’t want their children to become independent and home schooling massively increases the dependence of the child on the parent. They almost become like a god, the fount of all knowledge. It’s also the arrogance of thinking you can easily do the same job that would take 10 subject specialists in a school (ie educating to GCSE level). And no, doing online worksheets isn’t remotely a substitute for being taught in a classroom.

OP claimed that she taught her daughter for six hours a day. Yet the girl doesn't even have functional English and maths.

I agree. I’ve always thought this, I lived it when my own dc started school and the outside influences started to come in. For me it was one of the best things about school.

That’s not what’s happened here.

OP took her kids out the school system for basically no reason whatsoever.

And has spent the last however many years under educating them, turning them ‘odd’ frankly with her endless mithering about teeth/weight/what conditions she thinks they have, and sabotaging any attempt they make at independence because it’s clear she just wants them living inertly and uselessly under her roof and working with her.

Agree completely. At this point I would say the majority are doing it as a faddy ‘income stream’ via documenting it all on social media. And the other half are projecting their anxiety onto their kids, desperate to keep them compliant and at home because they themselves have no real life outside their kids.

Your poor daughter. I feel so sorry for the way you've treated her.

I feel for my DF too, badly. He suffered a stroke at age 53 in the midst of the court proceedings, he ended up severely depressed a couple of years ago and could no longer work for a year and it’s hard because I love my kids and could I ever truly “give up” on them, probably not. But he needs to. His wife, who is truly an angel with the patience of a saint when it comes to her “stepchildren” has said that they are absolutely not welcome in her home anymore (understandable after the seriousness of the lies) and he keeps texting his son asking if he fancies a kick about of to attend the local football matches with him (brother doesn’t reply to him), still texts my sisters to check in on them, make sure they are okay (gets a text back once in a blue moon). It’s sad. He’s always been a loving, great father to me and a wonderful grandfather to my children. He still sends a cheque in a card in the post for their birthdays/Christmas and for Christmas he still hangs their stockings in the deluded hope that they’ll turn up to wish him a merry Christmas. It’s sad, it really is.

I have home educated for a long time and can tell you that this is wrong but I doubt you will believe me and this thread probably isn’t the right place for that debate.
As a home educator people like OP anger those of us who genuinely home ed. As with everything it is always those who are failing you hear about because the rest of us who are doing just fine are doing our own thing and not needing advice. Home education is not supposed to be able isolating your child and not offering an adequate education and I think cases like this are as abusive as anyone else on this threads .
I have a teen a couple of years younger than OPs daughter who has plenty of friends, is independent and already has a spot at college next year due to already having the required GCSE grades. Don’t tar a whole community with the same brush.

Wow OP, I have seen your previous threads. You have isolated your daughter and completely ruined her education but now her depression is ruining YOUR life. Just wow.

I'm sorry for your situation with your DD, but the OP's situation is nothing like that. You obviously haven't read any of her other previous threads. She is not home-educating because the children are school refusers or ND; she pulled them out of school because teachers are "evil" and throw children into cages if they misbehave! She is the one who has kept these children from developing anything like normal social skills. For all we know, they are lovely children who would thrive in another situation. But this mother's parenting has made them social pariahs who will probably not be very successful or happy adults. No one is "piling on" this OP: they are trying to help her and save her children.

The other thread shows how she has made the child more nervous, the poster has made the DD isolated. I would say it’s a projection of her own self on to her DD.

Home schooling should be banned completely apart from the most extreme examples of the child being genuinely at risk and it should be decided by having to apply for permission, not just choosing to home educate.

Home educated. That's the elephant in the room. Unfortunately you can't turn back time but you can make changes from today.

As I said in a post above, I don't think homeschooling should be allowed at all unless there are special needs, everything else has been tried and the homeschooling takes place under close monitoring.

At the very least it should be like the Austrian system where the homeschooled children have to do tests in particular school subjects at the end of each school year equivalent to the standard expected of children in school and if they don't pass, back to school they go, back into the year they didn't pass. If people want to homeschool their children (aside from SEN reasons) then they should be expected to meet certain educational standards.

I'm not saying your children haven't been well-educated (sounds like they have!) but it does need to be monitored properly and there needs to be consequences if children are not reaching an adequate standard.

Personally I still think it should be banned as in Germany but if it isn't, something should be done about it because of the risk of isolation or abuse or poor standards.

Poor girl, living in a prison of her mother's making. She has been utterly failed. Her only chance is to get into college, gain some friends and qualifications and achieve independence. What a shit show. Home schooling needs to be more closely monitored.

I wonder what OPs parents were like. I'm guessing shite.

Why do some people give their children such a terrible chance to live a fulfilling, decent, happy life? Surely as a parent, your job - your DUTY - is to ensure they are loved and supported to become well rounded, and the best versions of themselves possible?

Your poor sweet daughter. What a travesty against being a mother. You spoilt her future, and should take a good look at yourself.

A need for dependency maybe? Whether conscious or subconscious