Things you learned about life from MN

[VoltaireMittyDream]

I grew up before the internet and reality TV, so all you could know about people came from fiction, and the world around you.

I never knew any cocklodgers growing up.

All the men (and most of the women) I knew were uptight, tortured workaholics - which wasn’t great either, and the men still demanded a disproportionate amount of emotional and administrative and domestic support from their female partners.

But until I joined MN I had no idea how many men out there take no pride in a work ethic or professional identity, and feel no responsibility to pay their own way. And it is SO common on here - across class and education levels and cultures and nationalities. All these freeloading men! I never knew!

I also had no idea how much variation there was in couples’ approaches to money. Long-married couples with strictly separate finances who insist on being paid half for a pint of milk. Families where all child related costs come out of the mother’s earnings & the father’s money is all his own. Couples where it’s totally normal to talk about money, and couples where it’s completely taboo.

And sex! I’m in awe of the people who have sex every day even when their fastidiousness requires them to cover the bed in special sex towels beforehand and boil wash the sheets immediately afterwards and hose themselves down with disinfectant before and after.

I also had no idea how all-consuming elder care was until my own experience brought me to the Elderly Parents board, and I discovered a whole massive parallel universe of ageing parents whose ‘independence’ comes at vast emotional, professional, and financial expense to their daughters.

What other different realities have people had their eyes opened to on here?

For other things it isn’t really but as I said I don’t use sanpro and if my daughters visit they know where the outside bin is.

Oh, some people labour under the delusion that there’s something called The Past when women wore crinolines and couldn’t vote and were oppressed. That appears to include the 1980s as well as the 1880s.

And all children were routinely slapped by parents and teachers at every opportunity, and even worse, were allowed to eat grapes that weren’t cut up! 😱

And while they were eating their uncut-up grapes, they were also working eighteen-hour days down the mines and getting bubonic plague!

To be fair, I’m born in the 1970 and this was my reality.
The stuff about no boyfriend or no bank account in the 1980 is about 30 years out. A whole generation 😁😁

When discussing childcare costs & the fact it’s now subsidised vs the past I’ve often been told women didn’t go back to their jobs in the 80s after a baby 🤷🏻‍♀️

Early 70s my mum had a row with the bank manager as the law had just changed about women having their own accounts!

Some may not have but most of them did.

And that is largely true. We were given the freedom to do our own thing and take risks.

Teachers weren’t allowed to hit kids by the time I got to secondary school (early 80s) although they still did.

But even if they did, you didn’t go home and tell your parents because they would double down on it!

In fact we dealt with things like friendship issues, bullying, etc without the involvement of adults.

It is why my generation is perhaps the only one to have been given that much agency from a young age. So it doesn’t make sense for people to believe that we weren’t able to live together etc.

Our parents were the first generation of proper teenagers and many of them warned their kids about settling down and having babies young.

I had my children in the mid 1980s. I intended to go back to work but honestly I could not find any childcare. Not a single nursery in my area then. There are so many now. My husband had to change his job to one that was better paid but meant he was away from home 4 nights a week. I started working part time when the children went to school.

I wasn't a teenager in primary school.

Laughing emoji desperately needed yet again!

Completely agree with this. “Progressive posturing” is the perfect phrase.

I don’t understand this. Not meaning to be rude. Perhaps it is just my house layout. I still have periods as do my DDs. We have bins in bathrooms so they can dispose of their san pro discretely. It never smells because bins are emptied regularly when bathrooms are cleaned. They (and I) would not like to carry our used san pro downstairs to the kitchen bin all the time.

How did you do it in your house?

My mum and grandparents still referred to people living in sin, or “over the broom” in the early 1990s. My mum still disapproves of having children out of wedlock. In fact that’s another thing that mumsnet has taught me: how important it is to have the legal protection of marriage before having children. The amount of women on here that are in terrible situations where the feckless or downright abusive man holds all the cards and the woman with a baby or toddler has nothing.

•Never give up your own home to move in with a man, unless you are an equal and on the deeds and paying into the mortgage. Preferably buy a new house together.

• Blended families are utterly shit for the dc. I knew this from my own dc and their feckless father who shacked up with the other woman and caused so much damage to our dc. He’d introduced them to her “as a friend” while we were still together ffs. Nearly 15 years later and our eldest hasn’t forgiven him and I’m not sure she ever will. Of course he split up with her after several years and is now married to someone else who has made questionable decisions regarding our children and moved an abusive man into her own home, for a mortgage with him, and is now stuck experiencing the same things I did. She knew what he was like before she married him. It’s her dc I feel sorry for who are having to grow up in a dysfunctional household where arguments are a daily occurrence. It’s not teaching them anything positive about relationships and they are at risk of copying the same behaviours when older. I’m fighting to make sure my own dc don’t follow in those footsteps.

• New partners shouldn’t be introduced to dc for a long time.

•That some people spend an obscene amount of money on their dc or grandchildren at Christmas or birthdays. I can’t imagine having £2000 to spend on each child so maybe I’m just jealous. Unless it’s major tech like a gaming PC I can’t imagine what would cost that much that children need or want.

• That the value of a wedding gift is supposed to cover the cost of the wedding meal. I can’t get my head round that one and it’s something I’ve never heard outside of mumsnet. We invited people to our wedding because we wanted them there. We didn’t expect a gift at all, nevermind for it to cover the cost of their meal. It would make more sense to include your bank details in the invitation and ask the guests to transfer the cash prior to the wedding so that you’re not out of pocket. Imagine how crazy that would be.

• Also that having evening guests is déclassé and if you want someone there they should be there for the entire day.

• That bridesmaids (if old enough) and the maid of honour/matron of honour are supposed to help the bride. Big fat fail on my lot there.

• That there is a vast chasm between the upbringings, lifestyles and incomes of those on mumsnet. There appears to be a lot of wealthy posters compared to those at the lower end.

• How poor reading comprehension is and how poor the standard of education is in this country. Those with English as an additional language often have a better grasp of spelling and grammar. It makes me very sad that access to state education is not equal around the country or even across our small town. I know there are a myriad of reasons for that but still. Getting a good quality education shouldn’t rely on being in a ‘good’ area or having the money to pay for a private education. I was fortunate to spend part of primary and part of secondary at a private school and out of the 7(!) schools I attended, these were the best in terms of attainment and my happiness. Excellent discipline with resulting excellent behaviour from 99.99% of the school. Firm but fair. Small class sizes. I wish my own dc could experience those two schools. I only spent a total of 3 years between those schools but it had a big impact, especially the primary which I remember very fondly.
• How fortunate a lot of dc are on here. My family were nowhere near comfortable when I was growing up. We went years between any kind of holiday, sometimes the rental of the video player had to be cancelled because that £2 or was it £5 a month was unaffordable. This was the late 80s/early 90s. There were no driving lessons at 17, followed by a car and help at uni or a deposit for a house. These things are so alien to me and there are posters who seem to look down on those who haven’t been saving for their dc since they found out they were pregnant. Pension funds for their dc, house deposits, driving lessons and a car. There are so many very privileged dc on here. Compared to my own upbringing I consider my own dc very privileged but their experiences are a whole world away from what I read on here. It’s quite eye opening. Someone less robust might feel very inadequate in reading some of the threads. See also pensions and inheritances. As one of 12 grandchildren I was never going to inherit much from my well off grandparents who had 3 children. My own parents were always struggling and my mum is ok now but only because she took out a lifetime mortgage on the house so there’ll be little inheritance for me as one of 4 dc. To hear of people getting £100K and more from inheritances is mind blowing.

• in relation to the above how I wish society was more equal. Less distance between the extremes.

• How claiming benefits, even if you are working or a full time carer, is looked down upon by some who have been born into a more privileged life and they think those not as fortunate just need to try harder because it’s their taxes paying for their lifestyles. It would be beneficial for those with such opinions to spend a month in the shoes of those in minimum wage jobs, no car, on benefits, with long term health problems, smaller houses in less desirable areas, dc with SEN, elderly parents to care for full time, or whatever else has made them not have as much in life. I know there are posters who say “if living on benefits is so good, why don’t you give up your job and claim
them yourself?” and I think it would be very educational for those with such attitudes. No one seems to want to do it though, can’t imagine why!

•on a positive note: that whatever I need advice on, or help with, I can count on mumsnet.

I’ve rambled on, sorry. It’s the ADHD meds giving me a hyper focus as they kick in. Obviously ADHD isn’t actually a thing though and I’m just after the benefits that come with a diagnosis <looks around for the benefits either monetary or otherwise and hears wind and sees tumbleweed>. The meds really help though because I can get stuff done and my head is so much calmer and clearer and I don’t eat as much chocolate 😂

Must crack on. Thanks for this thread OP, it’s been very cathartic.

No, I always took it to the outside bin in a biodegradable bag. This is what my daughters do now in their own houses. Used sanpro does smell if left. I would probably put a bin in the bathroom if some other female was visiting but my friends are my age. I also can’t imagine leaving sanpro in a bin for someone else to take away.

Great post @Pinklightning

Thanks for replying.

My girls are 10 and 13. I confirm we have no smells in our house whatsoever and I don't want them traipsing to outside bins (we have a long driveway) for something I can easily deal with when I clean the bathrooms.

I still don't understand your process but thanks for explaining.

The Script, the mental load, cocklodgers and how awful some men are.
Also how argumentative and picky some people are.
Stealth boasting, both the phrase and the actual thing.
Marvellous hacks and tips on so many subjects.
How some people are magnificently knowledgeable and helpful, time after time.
How some people are trolls, particularly on their obsessions.
How some people have absolutely no comprehension skills whatsoever.
How laugh out loud funny some people and threads are.

If we did this round here I think the foxes would find it irresistible and it could all get a bit disgusting rather quickly.

I love my MIL but she is a non bathroom bin type and I have found it a hassle and quite embarrassing over the years.

This was so interesting to read.

I agree about the inequality.

I was brought up with the value that it is very rude to show off about what you have and what you earn. Even conspicuous consumption was frowned on.

It's been fascinating and sometimes horrifying on here to hear a bit of what some people think when they're anonymous.

We have foxes too but they can’t get in a wheelie bin.

If it's rude, how does anyone ever get the cheese :)

Yes I didn't realise that we were meant to bog off to Gransnet once our offspring are 18.

Problem, is, I am not a granny.

Don't you have wheelie bins?