Worried about my husbands eating habits

[AleaEim]

My husband has always been an awful eater, low on veg and fruit in general. He gets very confused about healthy foods and often gives into marketing and believes things like breakfast biscuits and sugary protein bars are healthy. He eats a lot of fried food in general and snacks on crisps and pastries throughout the day. I’ve tried educating him on what’s healthy and what’s not but he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after.

I’ve started the thread because I’ve noticed quite a bit change in him recently, he’s got a natural slim build and he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach.

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler. I’ve started studying more at night due to upcoming exams which means he tends to game in the evenings more and with that is snacking more. Last night he wasn’t in the mood of dinner (I suspect because he snacked all day at work or had something deep fried at lunch which filled him) then by 9/10pm he was snacking on chocolate rice cakes, a slice of Panetonne, two cans of Diet Coke, crisps and popcorn(not necessarily all at once). He doesn’t exercise and drives to work to a sedentary job. He does walk the dog but I know it’s to the local park 5 mins away and it’s never longer than 30 mins and he doesn’t do it everyday, maybe three times a week.

What really concerned me was this morning (he’s taken this week off to look after our daughter who’s off nursery) and he was trying to hide the fact that he’d ordered a full English fry up for breakfast, he then told me he did it yesterday as well. He was trying to hide it because he knew I would disapprove of it, we don’t have tonnes of money for takeaways plus it’s so unhealthy and will likely be deep fried sausages etc.

I worry about his intake of ultra processed food and his obvious weight gain that he’s not trying to lose. If he nipped it in the bud now he could tackle it quite easily but if it gets worse then it will become a hard job. He’s always tired and needs naps on the weekend a lot which is annoying when we’ve a toddler who is full on and needs his attention. To be fair he only naps when dd naps and he does a lot of chores, cooking, diy on weekends so I let the nap slide but surely he wouldn’t need to nap if he changed his lifestyle.

How can I approach this in a way he’ll take me seriously. His whole family are overweight and are fussy eaters, for example I made French toast for his sister before with syrup Nutella and all works and she was clarifying it as a healthy breakfast. This is something ingrained in him culturally so it’s very difficult to change.

He has tried to make changes before by joining the gym and eating healthy but it tends to only last a few weeks.

What can I do?

If you have to pretend sympathy and suggest something like that to manipulate him, then you are treating an adult like a child.

The OP can only control whether she wants to be with him. His actions are completely up to him and if she continues to treat him like a naughty child then he will just get more sneaky.

Tell him my brother much to his regret just didn’t eat how he should and died far younger than needed from diabetic complications. He developed type 2 diabetes, he was overweight.

I would just tell him he will die younger than needs be and won’t see his child grow up and that you won’t be his carer because it’s self inflicted. Then he can choose his path.

Where is your evidence for this?
The NHS healthcheck isn’t for ‘everything’ nor with a GP.

I was in my 50s before I heard about this and I heard about it from this forum!!!

I wasnt offered this and neither is my OH

In some surgeries you have to ask for it and force it.

They only do the basic checks anyone, height, weight, BP, might do some basic bloods for your usual cholesterol, sugars etc.

its helpful to some degree.

my evidence? 😂🙄

erm I turned 40 last year and was invited by my gp for one. They tested loads of stuff. Here’s a link tada https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/nhs-health-check/

Yep this is it
id possibly give an ultimatum- sort it out or I’m gone

not gonna watch you kill yourself or be your carer or be with a big fat unhealthy man and not my fault if you don’t get to see our child grow up or can’t manage to do things with her !!

That’s not actually what I was suggesting. I was thinking a more mature and less insulting approach.

He has always eaten like this but she’s not been bothered until she noticed him getting fatter.

So she can choose to leave but she can’t try to shame him about something that has been in their relationship throughout.

Tell him how worried you are and how it affects you (it sounds like it gives you anxiety and I imagine also you don’t find the lack of care for his health sexually attractive). Ask that he sees his GP for a full health check to put your mind at rest. Surely he can do this for you? He needs to let them know he’s tired all the time. He needs to insist on a full blood count, hormone panel, blood lipids, vitamin D, thyroid, liver panel, kidney panel, CRPand blood sugar. Make him bring this list on a piece of paper.

The results may either trigger some action from him or relief for you if all is well (which tbh sounds unlikely from what you’ve described).

The alternative to seeing the GP is to get very comprehensive a private blood panel from a company such as Emerald. It will test for much more than the GP will.

How old is he? He may be entitled to an NHS health check where they test bloods etc. he may well be in the pre diabetic category already and knowing that may kick give him impetus he needs?

Have you used those words back to him? May have more of an impact

Good luck. My Husband is similar, and such a bloody child about it. Only eats the bare minimum of the vegetables on his plate, won’t eat most vegetables at all, and proclaims he isn’t fussy and will eat anything put in front of him…….which is completely untrue

It is draining having to be the parent to everyone in the house, not just the children xxx

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler.

Like other posters this is giving me alarm bells about diabetes. He needs to have this checked out.

Wrong.

Anywhere that does sausages on the menu, they are chucked into the fryer. I have never worked anywhere that that isn't the case.

We are older and I have slightly elevated cholesterol.

So I have ditched toast for breakfast or cereal and am routinely into Greek yoghurt berries walnuts flax seeds,’seeds and chia seeds etc. oddly as I began to eat this my husband suddenly wanted to try it or have the full groat oatmeal breakfast.

In the evening we have swapped rice if possible for quinoa or cauliflower rice. Every week we stock to cartons healthy meals at least 3 times a week that are vegetarian eg minestrone or veg chili with kidney beans and lentils. Or home made dahl

Make homemade burgers with homemade slaw and no bun

If we can’t be bothered to cook it’s jacket potato with cheese ( he has tuna) with a full salad and edame beans

buy salmon once a week and have it poached with some veg

introduce pulses at all times for roughage and to remove cholesterol

He could take physillium husk three times daily for the fibre content.

I find that making one small change every 6 months or so and bedding it in is the way forward.

Have you tried going to the gym together? Do you go on walks with him at weekends? Do you keep weights in the house and use them yourself to encourage him? Dows he have a rowing machine in the house or exercise bike ?

Do you avoid buying any form of soda and just drink water?

Make weekends about going to national trust properties and walking the grounds with lots of kids activities

Meet friends for walks and not the pub.

take your toddler swimming and get him to come too

Make a healthy lunch just once a week of chickpeas couscous feta spinach peppers dressing etc

Keep healthy snacks in jars there to be seen eg pistachio nuts, walnuts

buy Zoe bars to replace other bars or put Zoe on you tube on the tv for him to watch

I have an adult son (in his 20s) in this situation and have talked to him to say I'm worried about his health but as others say, he's an adult and there's only so much I can say. But I'm just so worried about him.

I don't think his BMI is that important . He's so full of sugar and salt, and probably so lacking in essential nutrients, that he's exhausted and grey and at risk of heart and liver problems, diabetes etc etc. That is very serious and impacts his family. Being a bit overweight isn't the thing to focus on.

Good grief, it’s not ‘controlling’ to be concerned about your partner’s unhealthy eating! OP mentions there’s a cultural aspect where he might think certain foods are healthy when they’re not - even more reason to chat to him about it and ask if he’d be willing to get a health check and also makes changes to his diet. That’s just basic common sense and looking out for someone you love (the father of your child) and no it’s not controlling.

Op however much he might need help (and more fruit, veg and water), I don’t know that he’s going to change tii on the level you want him to, it’s not like he’s not trying if he’s having popcorn, rice cakes or cereal bars (I know they’re not healthy), but your hope and expectation that he’ll suddenly want to have an extremely healthy diet is unfair in a way if it’s not him and I’d guess from the way you answer that you are extremely naggy and incessant- I do feel sorry for him. Also when they checked his immune system yes they would have checked for diabetes and cholesterol and they would have actually come out and told him he needed to change his diet and lose weight

I can’t speak for him but if someone tried to manipulate me into better habits, I would push back.

He presumably knows he’s eating badly and the OP doesn’t like it. But presumably he enjoys it and any snacks would have to be enjoyable enough that he would choose them - many people feel nuts and pulses are a very poor substitute

You chose to change your habits, as did your husband, and that’s great. But if someone isn’t bothered then they are hardly going to forego their favourite foods in favour of the diet you describe. It works for you, personally I wouldn’t touch it.

I am constantly amazed how many people think that trying to push a grown adult into eating better or exercising more is okay. How infantilising. Adults have an absolute right to decide not to live a healthy lifestyle, even if you don’t agree.

Op doesn’t have to stay with him but he doesn’t have to change his habits if he doesn’t want to.

Yes it is controlling. Presumably he’s intelligent enough to know what is a healthy lifestyle and what isn’t.

She has clearly spoken to him many times about it but he has chosen not to listen.

Obviously in an ideal world he would stop eating the crap but treating a grown man like a child is overkill and controlling.

I presume you would all be happy for a man to notice his wife has put on weight and decide to manipulate her into changing her habits? That is surprising.

Yes it is controlling.

It isn't controlling to feel concerned though.

Controlling v Concerned

My husband said I was controlling when he refused to alter his diet after a diagnosis of T2. He has serious issues with his big toes on both feet and was warned he was at risk of amputation. He accused me of being controlling for trying to improve his diet (I did all the shopping and cooking, of course). So I stopped. He accused me of not caring. I said that he could eat what he wanted but when he lost toes or feet to it, he was on his own.

We are no longer together for other reasons (abuse) but I understand that he is no better, I am just surprised that he still has both feet as his diet consists of 100% takeaways according to DD. I have had to start sending her with "healthier" ready meals on her weekends (she can cook but he doesnt own a cooker) with him as she comes back lethargic and pale on the crap her feeds her.

Make it clear that he can do what he likes but the consequences are not something you will deal with. He can pay for outside help with the pittance he will get on benefits.

Feeling concerned is fine, trying to manipulate a grown man into following the habits you think he should have is controlling.

He knows his diet is bad but is choosing not to change. That’s up to him. OP doesn’t have to live with it but he can treat his own body however he likes