Worried about my husbands eating habits

[AleaEim]

My husband has always been an awful eater, low on veg and fruit in general. He gets very confused about healthy foods and often gives into marketing and believes things like breakfast biscuits and sugary protein bars are healthy. He eats a lot of fried food in general and snacks on crisps and pastries throughout the day. I’ve tried educating him on what’s healthy and what’s not but he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after.

I’ve started the thread because I’ve noticed quite a bit change in him recently, he’s got a natural slim build and he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach.

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler. I’ve started studying more at night due to upcoming exams which means he tends to game in the evenings more and with that is snacking more. Last night he wasn’t in the mood of dinner (I suspect because he snacked all day at work or had something deep fried at lunch which filled him) then by 9/10pm he was snacking on chocolate rice cakes, a slice of Panetonne, two cans of Diet Coke, crisps and popcorn(not necessarily all at once). He doesn’t exercise and drives to work to a sedentary job. He does walk the dog but I know it’s to the local park 5 mins away and it’s never longer than 30 mins and he doesn’t do it everyday, maybe three times a week.

What really concerned me was this morning (he’s taken this week off to look after our daughter who’s off nursery) and he was trying to hide the fact that he’d ordered a full English fry up for breakfast, he then told me he did it yesterday as well. He was trying to hide it because he knew I would disapprove of it, we don’t have tonnes of money for takeaways plus it’s so unhealthy and will likely be deep fried sausages etc.

I worry about his intake of ultra processed food and his obvious weight gain that he’s not trying to lose. If he nipped it in the bud now he could tackle it quite easily but if it gets worse then it will become a hard job. He’s always tired and needs naps on the weekend a lot which is annoying when we’ve a toddler who is full on and needs his attention. To be fair he only naps when dd naps and he does a lot of chores, cooking, diy on weekends so I let the nap slide but surely he wouldn’t need to nap if he changed his lifestyle.

How can I approach this in a way he’ll take me seriously. His whole family are overweight and are fussy eaters, for example I made French toast for his sister before with syrup Nutella and all works and she was clarifying it as a healthy breakfast. This is something ingrained in him culturally so it’s very difficult to change.

He has tried to make changes before by joining the gym and eating healthy but it tends to only last a few weeks.

What can I do?

Where does it say she found it attractive, why presume that?

I can tell you care about him, but I imagine you are also starting to be less attracted to him, if he was not like this when you got together. Which has its own set of problems

You can’t change it - he’s a grown man who has responsibility for his own health and diet. Trying to ‘educate’ him isn’t great.

You don’t have to stay with him if it’s a dealbreaker but you can’t police his diet.

Well, you could only control what he eats if you were doing all the shopping cooking all the meals and making all the snacks. But even then, if he wants to eat crap and you haven't bought any, he's just going to go out and buy it himself.

So, I'm afraid that the only thing you can realistically do is probably to eat separately. You can buy healthy food and offer to cook him a portion when you're making your own meals, but if he doesn't want it there's nothing you can do. Just buy and cook for yourself. Look after your own health.

Unfortunately, if he continues to eat such a poor diet, I'm afraid your husband will inevitably become ill in due course. That is ultimately his own choice.

Keep offering him the healthy stuff and maybe one day he'll see the light.

Do you live in the UK? Here it’s not possible to request medical tests for other adults, even ones you are married to and have had children with.

i think this is a good start, but also modelling healthy eating yourself. You might be surprised at what lands (eventually).

I won't go into too many details because people on MN have different ideas about what is 'healthy eating' but my DH went on a massive health kick a few years back, and stopped drinking as well. He's also alot older than me. When I realised that he was getting stronger and better than me, and I was being laid quite low with a number of serious illnesses I decided to just follow his example. I barely drink. I became very committed to plant-based nutrition (and am now under a qualified nutritionist) and I am a different person from even a year ago. I didn't even tell him i was copying him, i just took inspiration from him.

But also- yes as pps say- please encourage him to get an MOT from the GP. There might be something underlying you need to deal with in the immediate as well.

She was attracted to what her husband was like, is what I meant. I doubt you'd marry someone whose food habits you found a problem?

I was more trying to get at whether anything had changed since she'd gotten concerned or whether he'd always been a crappy eater eating doughnuts and crisps all the time, but didn't really display any outward effects.

A large stomach on a man is not a good thing. Does your GP have a mens health clinic he could attend? Get his weight and blood pressure checked? Get advice on diet and exercise?
He might refuse but at least you can try

Feel like he should get a health MOT with GP and do the full works. Could also be worth considering low testosterone - my DH had it a few years back, discovered by blood test. He was very tired.

I thought you said he naps when she does?

Although thats not going to work forever as she'll be dropping the nap soon no doubt

It depends what you mean in your next post by it putting mental strain on you, you need to pick up your responsbilities, not someone elses, you're picking up the responsbility to change his health habits, thats not yours to pick up

I mean a lot of the thread is talking like he's at deaths door because he eats beige food. And that he would be vastly different if he didnt. He might be. He might not.

I have to say I am tired a lot of the time, my bloods are excellent, my vitamin bloods (I have them done privately) are excellent, my diet is mainly excellent, I exercise, I sleep well, I have a social life. Im doing all the right things, but I have a list of health conditions as long as your arm.

I wouldn’t find someone attractive who nagged me about my health tbh.

He is a husband and father but he’s also an individual who can eat what he wants. Someone suggesting the OP requests tests for him/tries to fool him into eating better by using his daughter as an excuse… what is wrong with you?

If this was a man saying he was worried about his wife’s health as she had put in weight, he would be ripped apart.

OP doesn’t have to stay with him if she can’t deal with it.

Exactly this. No one loves a diet bore and I say that as someone who has severe diet bore tendencies.

Theres another thread running at the moment about a woman going on holiday with an aunt or SIL, cant remember who keeps making pointed comments about this or that not being good for you. No matter that she is doing out of nastiness, the effect is the same. Shut up about what other people eat unless asked

No doubt the woman in the other thread who makes the comments would say she is 'concerned'.

I’d looK at this the same way I’d look at a person who’s an alcoholic tbh ! I’d be giving an ultimatum clean up your eating or we are done
its actually disgusting and a terrible example to your child

what does he feed your daughter when he has her for the day?

The secret food delivery is weird -why didn’t he get up and take your daughter to a cafe or something instead

is be so put off by this - and I’d not want to have a future with someone who isn’t willing to chang

who wants to grow old with a big fat man with health problems who might potentially drop dead of a heart attack at a young age

I think that your right to be worried about your husbands eating habits and weight gain along with his lack of energy.

I knew 2 people and at the time they were in early 40s. One lady and one man. They both had big builds, were a few stone overweight and unfit.
She said to him one day I think we both need to lose some weight. We are both in our 40's and we don't want to end up with health issues like diabetes.
He said to her so what if I get diabetes.

She joined slimming world. At the time she could not walk 10 mins without sounding like a stream train. She started to walk short distances and built up the walking distance over a few weeks. She joined a gym.
She lost 4 stone. She can buy clothes in normal shops. She has no problem with walking 15k - 20k steps in a day.

She is now in her 50's with no health issues.

He meanwhile now has type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. He also has bad hip pain and needs a hip replacement. He is taking medication. He has ended up in hospital more than once with very high blood pressure readings and feeling horrible.
He has end up in hospital with his diabetes as well. He has lost some weight.

I feel sorry for him because I can see what his bad diet, lack of exercise and the lack of losing weight has done to him. Had they both worked on losing weight together I feel that he may not have become diabetic or have the other health issues either.

Another man I know around your husbands age had to do a medical for life insurance. His doctor told him that certain readings were high and he needed to lose 2 stone. This man is married with kids and it gives him a wake up call. He started to eat better, did some exercise and lost the 2 stone. He still watches his weight and what he eats.

I would say to your husband that your worried about his weight, his health and the tiredness. Tell him that you want him to go to the GP with you and get an MOT there.

If he starts to complain ask him does he want to see his kids grow up and does he expect you to mind him when his health gets worse.
I would go into the GP with him and see you want blood tests for thyroid, iron, b12, diabetes, liver test, blood pressure ect. Tell the GP what your noticing with him. Tell them about the tiredness and about his family health issues.

His weight, the poor diet ect is beginning to effect him and it better now to work on improving his eating habits and getting his weight down now. It for his own sake and you don't want him ending up with diabetes or high blood pressure because it can lead to serious health problems like losing a limb or getting a heart attack or a stroke.

TrappedByThisDesk
So nobody is ever allowed to worry about their partner?
Isn't worry /anxiety a normal emotion?
Can we just switch off that feeling because grown men do not need mothering?
Genuine questions.

Ask your surgery if they run the NHS healthchecks (they’re for people aged 40-74). If they don’t quite often local wellbeing hubs and council led services do them at community venues. You could always play it as ‘oh I’ve booked myself one so shall we both do it?’

https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/nhs-health-check/

Worrying is fine. But it also has to be acknowledged that you can't 'fix' someone and adults are allowed to make their own choices.

The fact that OP's DH felt he had to hide a takeaway cooked breakfast says a lot.

It sounds like OP has made her point very, very clear. He has to want to change and he clearly doesn't so OP needs to either accept it or end the marriage if she can't deal with it.

All the People saying it is fine, leave him alone, he can do what he likes etc ... In many things I would agree, but this issue doesn't just affect him, it will have an impact on her as well. In later life it is possible that she will be limited by medical problems brought on by this. Might not seem like a big deal but I have a friend who got very fit in her 50s. Her husband continues to sit on the couch all day (now retired) and eat crap. They can't go out for walks together because he is so unfit. She wants to go on cycle rides or cycling holidays, so just goes alone as he is not fit enough. She has even ended up having to do all of the dog walking, even though she works and he doesn't, because he isn't fit enough.

So the impact of his choices is felt beyond him. As I said upthread, I would eventually lose respect for someone who cares so little about themselves and me to sort themselves out and would end the relationship. Love isn't always enough unfortunately.

Maybe so but expecting him to change is unreasonable.

I would lose respect for someone who felt they had the right to control my lifestyle. If they didn’t like it I would expect them to walk away instead of constantly trying to change someone.

It still doesn't mean she can treat him like a child. Her OP sounds like she's his mother, not his wife.

She also can't force him to change and may need to decide if it is a dealbreaker in the marriage.

If you have to ‘play it’ as anything, what is the point? He’s a mature adult who is quite capable of having his health checked or not as he sees fit.

Given his sister’s attitude appears similar, it sounds like the OP is only concerned because she is less attracted to him.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will try read them all.

I hope you can treat him like the adult he is, going forward.

I bet he's in the prediabetic range. I became insulin resistant. I wasn't interested in changing my diet because I was tired and stressed and evening snacking gave me joy tbh. But when I had a blood test coming back as prediabetic it really motivated me to change. I lost 2 stone and eat healthily now. The amazing thing is when my blood sugar levels went back to normal, I wasn't hungry anymore, didn't get pleasure from snacking, didn't feel tired, could lose weight much more easily. I knew I was eating badly, but until I got that result I couldn't motivate myself to change. Fatty liver disease also has similar symptoms and they go hand in hand. I wasn't tested for that but probably use it. I was only just in the range of prediabetic but I had full blown symptoms of type 2. Exhaustion, sugar cravings, facial flushing, picking up colds etc. My advice would be to wait for him to complain about feeling tired or ill, and then really dish out the sympathy and say you are worried and want him to have blood tests to check nothing else is going on with his thyroid or similar. Don't mention his diet or that he is self sabotaging himself. Hopefully his HBA1C will be high enough to give him a wake up call.

He’ll get an MOT at the GP when he turns 40.