Worried about my husbands eating habits

[AleaEim]

My husband has always been an awful eater, low on veg and fruit in general. He gets very confused about healthy foods and often gives into marketing and believes things like breakfast biscuits and sugary protein bars are healthy. He eats a lot of fried food in general and snacks on crisps and pastries throughout the day. I’ve tried educating him on what’s healthy and what’s not but he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after.

I’ve started the thread because I’ve noticed quite a bit change in him recently, he’s got a natural slim build and he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach.

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler. I’ve started studying more at night due to upcoming exams which means he tends to game in the evenings more and with that is snacking more. Last night he wasn’t in the mood of dinner (I suspect because he snacked all day at work or had something deep fried at lunch which filled him) then by 9/10pm he was snacking on chocolate rice cakes, a slice of Panetonne, two cans of Diet Coke, crisps and popcorn(not necessarily all at once). He doesn’t exercise and drives to work to a sedentary job. He does walk the dog but I know it’s to the local park 5 mins away and it’s never longer than 30 mins and he doesn’t do it everyday, maybe three times a week.

What really concerned me was this morning (he’s taken this week off to look after our daughter who’s off nursery) and he was trying to hide the fact that he’d ordered a full English fry up for breakfast, he then told me he did it yesterday as well. He was trying to hide it because he knew I would disapprove of it, we don’t have tonnes of money for takeaways plus it’s so unhealthy and will likely be deep fried sausages etc.

I worry about his intake of ultra processed food and his obvious weight gain that he’s not trying to lose. If he nipped it in the bud now he could tackle it quite easily but if it gets worse then it will become a hard job. He’s always tired and needs naps on the weekend a lot which is annoying when we’ve a toddler who is full on and needs his attention. To be fair he only naps when dd naps and he does a lot of chores, cooking, diy on weekends so I let the nap slide but surely he wouldn’t need to nap if he changed his lifestyle.

How can I approach this in a way he’ll take me seriously. His whole family are overweight and are fussy eaters, for example I made French toast for his sister before with syrup Nutella and all works and she was clarifying it as a healthy breakfast. This is something ingrained in him culturally so it’s very difficult to change.

He has tried to make changes before by joining the gym and eating healthy but it tends to only last a few weeks.

What can I do?

Not sure tbh. I’d ask specifically for a full blood test, and mention the tiredness. How old is he?

he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach

Isnt that particularly bad for you? Visceral fat etc

Nothing, he isnt your child. He can eat how he likes.

What do you mean 'you let the nap slide'

What would not letting it slide mean? That he cant sleep when he needs to?

A lot of people do nap in the day, I cant, I cant sleep for short periods or sleep in the day time but some do, its how they function. I hate it personally but do accept its how soe people are, particularly as they get older.

I think I'd be similar at work if there was all that free food. Would changing his job be an option? Free food is, ime, impossible to walk past.

Would he be up for watching one of those tv programmes that show how people's energy, skin etc improve with a better diet? Like what not to eat on C4.

Yes same here, I managed to eat a flapjack yesterday as it was just sitting there on the shelf. I dont even eat flapjacks.

He’s your partner not a project for you to manipulate and “fix” to meet your standards.

What a disordered interpretation of someone worried about the health of her partner and father of her child.

😆😆😆 (not your point but I love a flapjack)

I am uncomfortable with some of the language you use here - that you "let it slide" that he naps, for example. Given that he works in the week, and spends time with your child and does chores and DIY at the weekend, he has every right to nap if he feels he needs to!

You may disagree with his choices, but you don't have the right to control them. You can express your opinion obviously and your concerns about his health, but you can't make him do what you want, and shouldn't try to.

I actually wonder whether your attempts to control his diet are having the opposite effect? I know that whenever a partner has tried to control any of my choices as an adult I have instinctively rebelled - this may sounds childish but I actually think it's a deep seated instinct to fight contro by othersl as an adult.

I am not sure how you organise uou finances - if you have both made a joint decision to have joint finances then this is one area where you do have a point. (Providing he is also allowed to criticise you if he disagrees with your spending choices for any reason). The answer may be to work out a way that you both have an agreed personal spending limit - if he wants to spend his on breakfasts then, that is up to him.

If his lifestyle choices make him unattractive to you, you have the right to no longer be in a relationship with him. Anybody can leave anybody else at any time, for any reason. But beyond that, you have said your piece - you can't force him to conforn to your preferences.

I hope you find a way to work it out together.

Maybe approach it as getting your toddler into healthy foods and he might well follow suit. There's a podcast I love called The Wellness Scoop which might give you a few ideas for the days you cook but one of the two hosts is also publishing a book on children's nutrition and while it's aimed at slightly older children you and your husband could read it together and implement it for your daughter. Even if he ends up eating healthier meals because he's preparing them for your daughter, but still snacks, it will be a lot better than nothing. If you are ever in a situation where you are hanging around the house or in the car together you could play a podcast like Zoe Science & Nutrition, some information might well get absorbed. A couple immediate things you could do is buy better quality bread (Jason's sourdough for example) and keep it in the freezer. Freezing and defrosting bread is better for your gut as it increases resistant starch, same with cooling down pasta or potatoes. Look into it though as it might not work as well for people with IBS or other conditions. When it's your turn to cook you could think about adding more veg, chia seeds, flax seeds etc to get fibre and plant points up (there are fun apps where you can try to get 30 plant points a day, easier than it sounds as wheat, spices, coffee, cocoa all count).

Here's the book, comes out in January I think

https://www.waterstones.com/book/rhiannon-lamberts-ready-set-cook/rhiannon-lambert/luke-scriven/9780241778937

Very controlling this post

Control the shopping? Well if OP is the main shopper, she'll buy what she thinks the household needs Im sure, but he is actually an equal peer in the relationship/household so no doubt he chooses things for him or gets stuff he wants as well

'Get him a health check'? Is he a child or does OP have POA over him?

As another poster says OP can say her piece and her husband will decide what he does about it or nothing. If OP feels she cant live with this anymore she has the right to end the relationship, if she wanted to blow up her whole life because her husband is a sweetie snacker, thats up to her.

I think you should back off talking about the diet. Maybe express your concern that he seems really tired all the time and what does he think could be causing it. Let him come up with the solutions himself. If he went to the doctor they may well discuss things like diet with him but I think it needs to come from him really otherwise you’ll just get his back up which won’t help in the long run.

so your options are put up or walk away ?
when you marry things are less clear cut and each does accept some responsibility for the other
if people talked things over and made suggestions and supported each other through them and let the strength of their feelings and emotions be displayed in a none angry way the workd might just be a little better

You are viewing the snacking as just because he has a habit/likes the taste. I comfort eat and I wonder if there is a bit of that going on.

In which case your judgement OP is going to push him more into a shame spiral.

Do you know how he is feeling in himself? It sounds like you are leading very busy lives - is he eating for a bit of freedom and to make himself feel better? It’s not logical or fair but definitely what I do, and it makes me feel worse obviously but it feels good in the moment.

Maybe get him to see a doctor so it’s an independent opinion that he has to change?

I sometimes look at these threads and wonder if I live on the same planet as other responders. Of course this gentleman is an adult but he has chosen to marry and father a child. He isn't just responsible for himself - he has a responsibility towards the others in his family and his actions will potentially have profound repercussions on them.
Who do you think will end up looking after him if he has a stroke or heart attack? What's more he will expect his wife to do this regardless of the fact that it was his actions that caused his illness. How is it loving to put yourself at risk when you have a young child who needs their father?
I am sorry but I would be having a very serious discussion with him about this. I would also be requesting blood tests for pre diabetes, high cholesterol and buying a blood pressure monitor. If he was a single man then of course it's up to him but he's not, that was his choice and he needs to step up.

I disagree completely. It is not at all disordered.

Far too many women try to 'mother' their partners; things like worrying about their diet and health as if they were small children. Grown men do not need mothering and are responsible for their own choices.

He needs a lipid profile to measure his cholesterol levels.

But you need to be clear what your motivation is. Would you like him to be more physically attractive to you? Is his current tragectory turning you off? Is it that you are concerned about his long term health? Is the concern more about wasteful spending and tightening budgets? Is the concern about parenting and additional load on you countering unhealthy requests from your children due to the example he sets?

Work out what the main concern is and then come at it from that way.

Why do you think people can only legitimately worry about someone else's diet and health if that person is a small child?

That is disordered.

It's not a choice that's just affecting him either - he's cooking family meals. So this choice of diet dictates what they eat.

I’m quite shocked at how many posters don’t seem to care about their husbands tbh. I don’t feel like it’s “parenting” to take an interest in their health and diet and encourage healthy habits… they’re your family after all. Of course there’s a degree of responsibility on their side and there’s only so much you can do.

@AleaEim
You have two choices here:

Assume DH will die before you, and make financial plans for your own retirement accordingly.
or
Divorce.

You do not have the choice of controlling his diet and managing his health for him. The more you try, the more he will 'rebel' and the worse the relationship will get. Yes, you both have a responsibility for teaching your DC healthy eating, but you cannot make DH take his responsibility seriously, you can only do your bit.

The very best you can hope for is that he gets a frightening health crisis and wakes up to what he is doing before it is too late.

Have you pointed this out to him OP?

I think there’s a lot of emphasis on weight and that’s not necessarily the issue. Michael Mosely did the programme around visceral fat didn’t he and he was “ skinny fat” as previously mentioned by another poster. ( eg his weight was within normal ranges but he had a great deal of visceral fat around his stomach ). If he had a blood test last year then he should be able to access the results
on his NHS app and see what was tested. His cholesterol will be on there if tested.

How would I manage a diet change?

Its tricky. My main area for change would be the lack of exercise and the meals that were generally eaten within the household because you have control over that and because your child is adopting that habit. Eating healthy meals together is
one aim. Can you meal plan together? I know my husband would absolutely roll his eyes if I got out a little folder and started writing down a meal plan but mine doesn’t need guidance serving healthy meals. I’d not have the chicken kievs and beige food in the house to begin with but there are so many healthy alternatives. Breakfast… porridge or eggs etc. Perhaps preparing some healthy snacks for the toddler at the weekend will introduce the concept. Maybe some healthy muffins ( grated carrots, apples, low sugar etc that you can bake and then freeze) or some hummus with carrot sticks. Generally a stock of foods that are not too puritanical and available.
Then I’d get some movement or exercise introduced. You need him around to see old age together and to raise your child and that’s probably the angle I’d take

Ask him if he wants to dance with his daughter at her wedding.

perhaps that will give him more focus. If he keeps eating the same way he will either be too obese to dance or not there at all

There's caring and there's controlling, and there's realising there is only so much you can do with an adult. And also realise that if they were like that and you married them the way they are they are unlikely to change.

I don’t get the impression that the OP is controlling though, that’s a wild assertion. They sound concerned in my opinion.