Worried about my husbands eating habits

[AleaEim]

My husband has always been an awful eater, low on veg and fruit in general. He gets very confused about healthy foods and often gives into marketing and believes things like breakfast biscuits and sugary protein bars are healthy. He eats a lot of fried food in general and snacks on crisps and pastries throughout the day. I’ve tried educating him on what’s healthy and what’s not but he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after.

I’ve started the thread because I’ve noticed quite a bit change in him recently, he’s got a natural slim build and he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach.

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler. I’ve started studying more at night due to upcoming exams which means he tends to game in the evenings more and with that is snacking more. Last night he wasn’t in the mood of dinner (I suspect because he snacked all day at work or had something deep fried at lunch which filled him) then by 9/10pm he was snacking on chocolate rice cakes, a slice of Panetonne, two cans of Diet Coke, crisps and popcorn(not necessarily all at once). He doesn’t exercise and drives to work to a sedentary job. He does walk the dog but I know it’s to the local park 5 mins away and it’s never longer than 30 mins and he doesn’t do it everyday, maybe three times a week.

What really concerned me was this morning (he’s taken this week off to look after our daughter who’s off nursery) and he was trying to hide the fact that he’d ordered a full English fry up for breakfast, he then told me he did it yesterday as well. He was trying to hide it because he knew I would disapprove of it, we don’t have tonnes of money for takeaways plus it’s so unhealthy and will likely be deep fried sausages etc.

I worry about his intake of ultra processed food and his obvious weight gain that he’s not trying to lose. If he nipped it in the bud now he could tackle it quite easily but if it gets worse then it will become a hard job. He’s always tired and needs naps on the weekend a lot which is annoying when we’ve a toddler who is full on and needs his attention. To be fair he only naps when dd naps and he does a lot of chores, cooking, diy on weekends so I let the nap slide but surely he wouldn’t need to nap if he changed his lifestyle.

How can I approach this in a way he’ll take me seriously. His whole family are overweight and are fussy eaters, for example I made French toast for his sister before with syrup Nutella and all works and she was clarifying it as a healthy breakfast. This is something ingrained in him culturally so it’s very difficult to change.

He has tried to make changes before by joining the gym and eating healthy but it tends to only last a few weeks.

What can I do?

Nothing. He is an adult and you can advise him but he has to want to change. But he isn't setting a good example to his daughter

You need to stop trying to parent a grown adult! I imagine my response to dh disapproval of my eating making me want to do it more. That’s such a bad dynamic. He’s your partner not a project for you to manipulate and “fix” to meet your standards.

I understand you’re concern now but unfortunately you’ve created a relationship where I can’t see how you can have a genuine conversation about those concerns.

Can you sit him down and actually communicate to him that you’re really, really worried about his current diet and how this models bad eating habits to your child? I don’t agree that there is nothing you can do. Ask him specifically what he plans to change, and what can you do together (as a team approach) to helping him make changes. For example, could you meal plan for the week? Could you ask him to research better snacks?

He ordered a home delivery full English breakfast? That won't taste good.

Agree with @Pedallleur - it's difficult for you to watch but his decision.

I’m in a similar situation but older than you. I work really hard to maintain a healthy bmi. DH now is in the obese category. He looks puffy in the face, grey and tired. Does weekend naps. I recently found out he naps on the days he wfh.
His bad eating habits are now rubbing off on our DC and whilst they are not overweight I find it’s now me nagging all of them 😭 it’s a horrible way to live and I also don’t know what to do other than keep trying to educate them. I feel completely powerless.

If he doesn’t have any of the excluding pre existing conditions, he will likely be eligible for a free NHS healthcheck. During these appointments we test patients HBA1C and cholesterol, which might shock him into making some changes? Even if he were to fib on the questions, the blood results speak for themselves.

My late DH had a dreadful diet most of his life. No fruit, very little dairy food, packets of biscuits a day, cups and cups of black coffee, lots of salt on his food.. He wasn't over weight as he was very active. It eventually started to take such a toll on his health that he began himself to try and do something about his eating habits. Unfortunately it was too late and he died very suddenly of heart failure at a relatively early age.
That's the problem: you can't make people change their life style. They have got to want to change. Perhaps your H might change when his eating habits eventually have such an effect on his health even he can't ignore it. Perhaps trying to impress on him how important it is for your DC not to pick up his bad habits might have some effect?

I would find that view of food very immature but presumably he has always been like this and you found it attractive?

What is the meal situation in your house -do you not sit down to dinner together? Does anyone cook normal food with veg in? Stir-fries, pasta sauces/bakes, stews etc that are filling but not unhealthy?

Thank you. Yes I could do this. He complains he’s always exhausted so I think this could be a could reason for me to start the conversation, it’s not fair on me with him being tired all of the time and it’s likely to do with his eating.

I know, I can’t think of anything worse. I’ve no idea why he doesn’t just cook it himself.

Sorry you’re going through the same thing @NoShitHere

DH checked his bmi a few years ago and it was in the overweight range, it’s worse now for sure

he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after

He's made his choice as an adult. Nothing more for you to do.

Who does the food shopping? If all the food you have in the house is healthy then presumably he has to make an active choice to buy unhealthy stuff? It would piss me off if that he's wasting money on buying junk aside from the health problems.

Who does the shopping ? Can you control that more?

you can’t change people

can you get him a health check at the doctors ?

How would he go about getting one of these? He went to the doctor for tests last year as he was constantly catching colds and got blood tests but nothing showed up, don’t know if they tested cholesterol. You wouldn’t know he was overweight by looking at him though, he hides it well due to his build, it’s like when women call themselves ‘skinny fat.’ Doctors may not have flagged it.

Sorry for your loss, the ironic thing is he speaks about his late father who was an alcoholic and often says he can’t understand how he abused his body. He doesn’t see that he does the same thing but with food.

Do you all eat a healthy communal meal at dinner time?

Yes well do cook like this some nights. especially me as I cook the healthier options. but we are both full time with a toddler and have 1 hr commutes. When it’s dh’s turn to cook, he throws on chicken Kiev or burgers/ chips, sometimes he’ll cook a stew or pasta. It’s the snacking though that gets him, he gets food for free in work and tends to choose pastries, donuts, fish and chips while at work. Then he’ll snack like mad at home. He doesn’t eat a lot of protein from what I notice actually.

I don’t get much snacks in the shopping but he’ll add them in or he’ll buy them himself in another shop.

He’s a grown man and you don’t even know if he’s overweight, he’s allowed to decide his own diet, and sausages are not deep fried unless you get from a fish and chip shop. Fried maybe, but not deep fried.

Most nights yes but it’s the snacking and free food at work.

I mean, he’s an adult and has to live with the consequences of his lifestyle. I say this as someone whose diet could be better. He needs to decide it for himself - he clearly has stopped listening to you. (Not being mean when I say that). Just have a heartfelt conversation with him and say how worried you are and then leave him to it.

I’d encourage him to go get a blood test - he could be deficient in something, and good to get cholesterol checked too. Sometimes people listen when it comes from a doctor!

His bmi check indicated he was overweight but borderline about 6 years ago from memory, it’s def worse now.

Would they have checked that last year when he went about his immune system?
They found nothing and didn’t mention food or exercise to him or anything about cholesterol.