Worried about my husbands eating habits

[AleaEim]

My husband has always been an awful eater, low on veg and fruit in general. He gets very confused about healthy foods and often gives into marketing and believes things like breakfast biscuits and sugary protein bars are healthy. He eats a lot of fried food in general and snacks on crisps and pastries throughout the day. I’ve tried educating him on what’s healthy and what’s not but he thinks I’m just nagging, I’ve also tried approaching him in the past in a non nagging way and he’ll then say he’ll change but he goes back to square one shortly after.

I’ve started the thread because I’ve noticed quite a bit change in him recently, he’s got a natural slim build and he’s lucky that his weight seems to only go to his stomach.

Lately I’ve noticed his stomach has suddenly got very big and he is always tired, catches flus and colds easily from our toddler. I’ve started studying more at night due to upcoming exams which means he tends to game in the evenings more and with that is snacking more. Last night he wasn’t in the mood of dinner (I suspect because he snacked all day at work or had something deep fried at lunch which filled him) then by 9/10pm he was snacking on chocolate rice cakes, a slice of Panetonne, two cans of Diet Coke, crisps and popcorn(not necessarily all at once). He doesn’t exercise and drives to work to a sedentary job. He does walk the dog but I know it’s to the local park 5 mins away and it’s never longer than 30 mins and he doesn’t do it everyday, maybe three times a week.

What really concerned me was this morning (he’s taken this week off to look after our daughter who’s off nursery) and he was trying to hide the fact that he’d ordered a full English fry up for breakfast, he then told me he did it yesterday as well. He was trying to hide it because he knew I would disapprove of it, we don’t have tonnes of money for takeaways plus it’s so unhealthy and will likely be deep fried sausages etc.

I worry about his intake of ultra processed food and his obvious weight gain that he’s not trying to lose. If he nipped it in the bud now he could tackle it quite easily but if it gets worse then it will become a hard job. He’s always tired and needs naps on the weekend a lot which is annoying when we’ve a toddler who is full on and needs his attention. To be fair he only naps when dd naps and he does a lot of chores, cooking, diy on weekends so I let the nap slide but surely he wouldn’t need to nap if he changed his lifestyle.

How can I approach this in a way he’ll take me seriously. His whole family are overweight and are fussy eaters, for example I made French toast for his sister before with syrup Nutella and all works and she was clarifying it as a healthy breakfast. This is something ingrained in him culturally so it’s very difficult to change.

He has tried to make changes before by joining the gym and eating healthy but it tends to only last a few weeks.

What can I do?

My husband is similar and poor health is starting to catch up with him in his 60s. He's aware he should make changes but finds it very hard. He does eat healthy food when I cook it but buys a lot of snack food. I worry about him because I love him, but I leave him to his own devices. It makes me sad as he's bloated and fatigued a lot, and I am braced for him to pass away suddenly, although I don't say that ( maybe I have once or twice actually) He knows it's not good.

I really feel for you. On this issue you are really incompatible. I think you have every right to be concerned. If you stay married to him he is likely to be less able in later life than if he ate well and took care of himself and that will have an impact on you.

Sorry I have no advice. It is up to him to sort himself out. Lots of people do have an epiphany at some point but usually after something bad happens such as a blood result which indicates pre diabetes, or experiencing chest pain or whatever. Some people never get it though.

Ultimately this would be a deal breaker for me. I actively want to be with someone who values themselves and me and our family enough to look after themselves.

Having had some experience with something similar in our family, my first thought was get him checked for Diabetes.

It's not a "wild assertion" as I didn't call the OP controlling.

Caring can easily cross over into treating him like another child or being controlling though. It is his choice, particularly as he has always had a bad diet.

Bad habits only get worse when people are comfortable, you don't marry someone and expect to change them. If it's a deal-breaker then you split up, you can't make someone do something.

How does she "get him checked"? He's not a five year old boy.

At best she could suggest he gets a check. That's it.

There are countless mums up and down the country who are overweight, unfit, a few smokers left, a lot of vapers, a lot of heavyish drinkers

We have the vices we have. Not ideal. People do their best. We dont talk about people like this do we 'his actions have caused his illness'.

OP isnt a nurse or a doctor, she cant 'request blood tests' for him. You realise he has capacity I assume?

Yes you can care and you can be worried/concerned (whatever word you want to put on that)

What you cant do is put stipulations in place about what someone will or wont eat or will or wont go to the doctors for. Make a suggestion, like I suggested the other day what my OH could do in terms of getting a different car or paying for repairs to the one he has, give my views, then its his decision.

What is happening on this thread and probably in OPs house is she is upset and annoyed that he isnt doing what she tells him to do, what she wants him to do. Posters are talking being 'worried' about someones largely unhealthy diet and then advising OP to 'fix it' or make something different happen. That is completely controlling and absolutely wouldnt fly if this was the other way round. A man nagging his wife for having put on weight, reaching for the cakes too much, doing chores and things round the house and then wanting a nap at weekends and him telling her 'well Ive let that one slide today but in future....' WTF, he would be out on his arse.

She doesnt have to eat what he cooks, she can also say, 'we're not eating that today for little Sarah'

What you can do however, is say 'I dont want to live with someone who shares my food ethos' and then make arrangements to end the relationship if you feel that strongly about it.

But that’s exactly what you are insinuating…

I know the difference between caring and controlling, I don’t need it explained to me. When you are married to someone, people’s health and wellbeing is not linear, it goes up and down. I have been through periods of comfort eating and weight gain, I’ve also been through periods of fitness and healthy eating. I’ve liked the support from my husband. I support him too. I encourage my husband to do things, I think that’s caring and looking out for him.

I'd say, 'Please can I say something. I will only say it once because it's your life, not mine and I don't want you to think I am nagging. But I a really worried about your unhealthy diet. I'm not judging it. I am concerned about it making you tired and unhealthy. Would you be prepared to let me make you healthier food. Try it for two weeks and see if you feel any better. Then after that, I promise never to mention it again.'

It might help to start with things that are similar to what he likes.

If he likes trad breakfasts, you could do grilled back bacon, grilled tomatoes, no added sugar beans and an egg poached in water, with wholemeal toast, and explain to him that this is less than half the calories of a fry up, and fine once a week.

You can pop your own popcorn - no oil needed - and sprinkle it with smoky paprika and garlic granules, with a bit of seasalt. That's a healthier choice of snack than processed popcorn and crisps.

You can make filo pastry parcels filled with sweet roast peppers and fresh herbs or, if he prefers meat, turkey mince with fresh herbs garlic and onion, bound together with a bit of beaten egg. That's high protein, but much lower saturated fat than other pastry.

Can you make sauces packed with veg? I used to make sauce with homemade sofritta (white onion, carrot and celery very finely minced) red, yellow, orange peppers, red onions, courgettes, a bit of leaf spinach, finely minced chestnut mushrooms, lots of chopped tinned tomatoes, garlic and herbs. You can add minced beef for a sort of spag bol, or chilli, paprika and dark chocolate for a chilli. Or sardines, capers, black olives, anchovies and chilli for puttanesca sauce.

Will he eat soup - you can blend all sorts of veg into soup.

I don't mean to suggest you turn into a tradwife in order to change his eating, but you are clearly worried, so spending two weeks showing him healthy versions of what he already likes might be a good start. After that, it's his choice. But he needs to know that if he carries on this way, he might compromise his health and the quality of time he has with his children and family.

Dh and I have very different views on food and exercise. I worry about him but he is a grown man who is aware of the risks.

There are some who don't eat well and sail through, then others who do it all the "right" way and still end up ill. Look at all the younger people getting colon cancer for instance.

I'd leave him be. Nothing worse than nagging to make a person rebel against the rules.

However, if he is ever getting a check up, he could get cholesterol, HBa1C, etc. and most importantly I think for those on a similar intake of non healthy foods - a liver function test. He could be headed for fatty liver disease, and further down the line, cirrhosis. Cardiac is another one.

But look, the man is an adult and not stupid. He knows all this but doesn't worry about it. You can say it all day and try different strategies, but unless he is willing to do it, you're wasting your time.

Same here. He calls me a 'health freak'!!!

He eats quite a lot of beige. Ive managed to persuade him to at least cook veg, it makes it to his plate and then just goes in the bin after the meal unfortunately.

Luckily we eat out an awful lot and his diet is much better in restaurants than he cooks for himself

I wouldnt touch the shit he eats at home, but he is a grown adult, you make your choices and you live with them. His is that he may not see his grandchildren grow very old.

He would be wise to consider asking for diabetes testing given the tiredness and the tummy fat, however, that is on him.

The bowel and colon cancer issue is interesting given another poster upthread is keen to berate this man should he develop actual illnesses because of 'his actions'. Its well known that bowel and colon cancers are increasing in younger people because of their lack of fibre intake and high protein intake.

Because of their actions. Not very good sounding is it.

Make sure he has life insurance.

You are absolutely right to be worried about your DH. His tiredness will likely be to do with his diet.
You need to educate yourselves about how harmful, and addictive, UPF is in order to tackle your DHs issues.
Look into Chris and Xander van Tullen - they have radio programmes and books about the impact of UPF in your health. They are brilliant in their approach, particularly on the 'nag' factor!

So have I. I've appreciated that DH said absolutely nothing and did not get involved at all in my food choices when I was obese and comfort eating due to stress, as he knew it would be counterproductive and make me feel worse.

The difference here was he knew it was a bad patch, I was cooking healthy family meals even in that phase and knew how to eat really. The OP married someone who eats badly. She'd be flogging a dead horse trying to get him to change.

Food, cooking and eating habits are one of the key things to have in common with someone, it would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm type 2 diabetic and do my best to eat "clean" ie lower carb content, lots of veg, protein. DH on the other hand is an absolute nightmare to the extent that I've stopped cooking from scratch for him. He won't eat a home cooked meal but will eat fishfingers/breaded fish/sausages with a jacket potato... and he leaves the veg I put out on the plate He's now pre-diabetic as he eats a mountain of chocolate/biscuits/crisps and he's also got a heart condition. I give up - he's making these decisions, not me.

But sounds like a constant moan rather than recently concerned so that’s different.

He’s just about to turn 40.

Yes I believe so but I guess I mean he’s lucky in an appearance sense that it doesn’t show like other peoples. It’s not lucky in reality though.

Well we have a toddler so it’s a bit irritating that he can’t just push through like most parents have to. I suspect it’s his health that means he has to sleep more.

Thanks this is insightful, I am currently in therapy and am having a long look at the way I communicate and interpret things. Saying that though, if it affects us a family and puts strain on us mentally then it is somewhat my problem.

I would lead the conversation with this.

But you know you can’t control another adult’s behaviour.

Op I constantly needed naps, turned out I was type 2 diabetic (now in remission and no longer tired)

Thank you, it does affect us given his tiredness and I can only imagine how we’ll end up in 20 years, me being a carer potentially. Yes of course I could leave but that ls not really what I want. I just wish he’d see food as the cause of his problems or future problems but he doesn’t. His mother is diabetic and also had cancer at age 50 but he never considered her we weight or awful diet to be possible contributing factors and he doesn’t see himself heading that way either, it’s like he lives in denial.