Schools phoning mums as the default

[Throwntothewolves]

I've seen this plenty of times on here, and in my own experience the school will always call me and not DH when they need to speak about DS. This happened in primary school, and now in secondary.
I'm at work when DS is at school almost all the time. DH is at home. Even if I say to call him they don't.

Can anyone working in a school who makes these types of phone calls explain why this is?

If it was something truly urgent, I'd keep calling others on the list, but if I've left a message for the person I've been asked to call first, I'd assume it was in hand.

Why would you assume that? Even if contact 1 is a SAHP, they might be at a hospital scan or somewhere else where their phone is off or on silent.

They've put themselves down as first contact. As I said, if it was urgent I'd try others, but if not I'd expect them to call back when able.

ETA the reason I do that is that if I call e.g. GPs because Mum didn't pick up immediately, I get an earful for that too., why did you bother GPs when I was about to call back etc.

Yes, the first contact may be busy with something they can't get away from for hours, but they're just as likely to be in the loo.

What would urgent be to you?

If emergency services had been called or the child was in a lot of pain. Most of the calls we make can wait until someone finishes a meeting.

It's not dissimilar to when maybe the GP receptionist or an insurance company calls me. If I miss the call they'll leave it to me to call them back. If I take a long time maybe they'll try again later.

They're also the ones who, according to the kids, are working from home but 'don't hear it' until you've worked your way down the list and hit upon his mother halfway across the country who knows the next door neighbour's phone number, take 4 hours to turn up when they live 20 minutes away, decide to take sons to football and to do some shopping before rolling up at 5.58pm when you called for a very unwell kid at 12.15pm that subsequently ended up in hospital over the weekend (Mum was caring for a dying parent 300 miles away) or tell you they are shut in their office in an urgent meeting just as you hear the thwack of a golf ball over the sound of the breeze over the golf course and generally turn out to be a complete waste of time.

But they put the original application in as though they're going to have involvement, meaning that they are the #1 contact (and often ignore all the communications for admission, meaning you get irate mums demanding to know why they haven't heard anything yet - uh, we've sent 9 emails, tried calling 4 times and the council have also been contacting him to try and get an answer, but we can't send these to you and prove that he's lying to you that he hasn't heard anything until he gives us written permission because there's only one parent on an admissions application for safeguarding/admissions Law reasons).

I can understand leaving a message for the first contact if it's something like information about school activities.

But if a child is ill enough to need picking up but not ambulance-ill, I do not understand why you wouldn't try the next contact. On any given day, first-contact parent might be busy at the moment you call when second-contact parent happened to be free, so why not make a second call. Both parents may have equally demanding schedules and have flipped a coin to put one or the other first.

It's not the same as an insurance company calling you, insurance companies aren't ringing to tell you that your child just threw up or has a fever.

I told you, because if you call the next nunber just before the first contact calls you back, that's wrong too. People seem to take it as a criticism of their parenting.

I was going to say I don't think you did tell me that, but I see you edited the post that I quoted after I had quoted it (your edit at 1640 vs my quote of your post at 1639).

Not at all true. If I call about behaviour, there's rarely sense in speaking to "neighbour Sharon" rather than a person with parental responsibility.

2ndary teacher here - I prefer calling the dad if I have a choice - the name usually goes with the child - mother’s surnames aren’t always listed plus marital status I have to make an awkward guess or go with Ms which a lot of people don’t like…and I don’t like to use a first name as it feels too informal.

The second reason it's the phone conversations are much shorter generally when I speak with dads (don’t get life story plus excuses) just ‘sorry right I’ll speak with him / her’. Job done.

I email whoever has the SMS enabled on the app because I assume theyre the one most likely to deal with school stuff. It's normally the first parent. Sometimes I email both if I know this is preferred, you get to know who always ccs in the other parent when replying.

Gosh, you must be living in the 1950s if your students all have their fathers’ surnames, and only the dads are so busy and important they don’t tell you their life stories on the phone, unlike those silly little gushing mummies.🙄

Used to happen all the time to us, and yes Dad was listed as primary contact. It’s internalised sexism, they assume an ill child needs a mum. Used to drive me nuts. I was a teacher so couldn’t answer my phone. I also worked miles away. Ex worked from home, round the corner.

We told them over and over and every time they would call me first.

Don’t get me started on the various email/app systems that only allow one contact. So mum invariably becomes the main contact.

You are a genius! Hopefully DH and cub leader felt the same, but brilliant thinking!

I’m just speaking from experience. Might be the type of parents I have to call most / the reasons. I’m not saying the dads I speak with are actually effective but definitely less defensive on the whole.

as you’re so annoyed by it do you think you might be one of those ‘gushy mummies’ you describe?

: )

I imagine she’s annoyed by sexist stereotypes, mate,

Sorry my experiences don’t match your world view 🤷‍♀️ OP was saying schools always contact mum - I don’t - make it deeply political if you must. I don’t think it’s that deep.

We phone whoever is listed as priority 1 first. Go into school and ask the office staff to change the priority to your DH. His number will list first when your child’s name is looked up on the management system.

My partner has his kids the majority of the time and has communicated this to the school on numerous occasions yet they still call their mother. What’s more ridiculous is she won’t take the missing item or pick up the children,whereas he will. Also she won’t communicate to him that the school have called so by the time they think to call him the kids are very unwell, upset or have gone without their glasses or whatever else she forgot to send them with.

Hello, school office staff here 🖐, we use a system called Arbor, we started with this in the first lockdown and we noticed that the default setting with them was the Father first, as it uses Mr/Mrs and therefore, Mr always came first. We have all worked in out current roles for many many years so know our parents/families well enough to know who to call despite the first contact.
I'm sure if you drop the admin an email they would be more than happy to pop your DH as priority 1, takes 2 seconds to do so.

Put Dad as option 1 on the form, and don’t pick up your phone. I worked in a really busy job and usually missed the calls - they did phone Dad.

In nursery I was the default priority parent but they would phone me if I didn’t answer then my husband.

Our jobs changed during primary years and we flipped it to him as default.

I find they would leave him a voice mail if he didn’t answer rather than then phone me once they secondary age. I imagine managing the numbers of children in secondary phoning multiple contacts (if not an emergency) it’s easier just to leave a VM. Now they older the children would advise which parent best to contact (they know who would be WFH)

Easy to do either online or a request to default Dad.

Make sure dad is the main contact and yhats who they should call first

What? Why on earth aren't you following the guidance on the student's information page?
Phone "priority 1". That's the whole point!
Plus: what on earth are you talking about re: the mame?
You don't make the choice about contact, the parents/carers do, please respect their wishes.

Schools normally have a priority number then secondary ones. It's however you filled in your acceptance form