Schools phoning mums as the default

[Throwntothewolves]

I've seen this plenty of times on here, and in my own experience the school will always call me and not DH when they need to speak about DS. This happened in primary school, and now in secondary.
I'm at work when DS is at school almost all the time. DH is at home. Even if I say to call him they don't.

Can anyone working in a school who makes these types of phone calls explain why this is?

Male or female refers to their sex here. Which remains the same whatever their gender identity.

Yes but how does the school know the persons sex unless they write it on the form?
Most forms these days have a "prefer not to say" option.
(I really don't quite understand non-binary to be honest).

I assumed snowflakeflasher's point was that when people fill in forms, whether the parent or an admin person for the school or someone else, they sill default to sex-based stereotypes regardless of gender ID.

I always call dads first for this reason 😂

the name and the ‘Mr’ or ‘Mrs/Miss/Ms’ is usually an indicator

That's my point.
On the form.....
Parent 1....
Mx Unisex Name Smith
Relationship to child - parent
Sex - Prefer not to say
Parent 2...
Mx Unisex Name Smith
Relationship to child - parent
Sex - Prefer not to say

So who is "mum" and who is "dad"???
Presumably in circumstances like that the school will just ring the first number listed 🤔

This.
I did some cover work at my children's school and we call whichever caregiver is listed first.

I used to work in the school office, on the application form there is usually a primary contact then additional contacts, you just need to ask school to change you to P2. We used to have all sorts of notes like dad works nights etc so call mum or dad a surgeon, don't call etc
.

I think what winds mums up is they work just as hard as their husbands in professional roles yet still are classed as the default, as if they don't work and are at home 5 minutes away.

It's not going to frustrate everyone though

My ds school always rang my dad - his grandad - as he was priority contact. Because I work in a school!

If they couldn’t get hold of him they'd ring my school office and on the odd occasion ds was vomiting dad would front my school office as I’d go and get him.

I see this complaint a lot. I every school I've ever worked at the person listed as the first contact is the person we call. Schools really don't go out of their way to piss parents off, we do what we've been asked to do.

Your BIL is a fool.
My ex is an abusive arse but not quite enough for him to hit the bar for cafcass to say he can't have contact (it's an incredibly low bar). He has repeatedly failed to get the children medical attention when they need it. I put myself first priority contact for a reason.

If other mothers want dad called first they can change the form

They could put dad's number as first priority contact number then...

This will be totally outing for anyone in my life who knows this story, but several years ago, ds was away at cubs camp. I was away on a work trip. Dh dropped him off. A vomiting bug swept through cubs camp about 6 hours later and 10 of 15 of them went down with vomiting in the middle of the night.

Through no fault of her own, the lovely leader tasked with calling parents at 2am to drive the hour to camp to come collect their vomiting children called me first. Bless her, she quit not long after this. I think it broke her soul this camp weekend. 😂

I had my phone on silent and only noticed because I’d woken up to wee. I told her I was 3 hours away on a work trip, but to ring Dh. I’d message him too.

Dh, who is lovely but truly doesn’t think and just sort of expects I’ll always be around to problem solve in these situations, had gone to bed with an 8 year old at cub camp and turned his phone off. 🙄 So neither of us could reach him!

Again, I was a 3 hour train trip away with no trains running and a conference to attend in the morning. I laid there thinking what can I do to wake him up? Could I set off the security camera in some way? The heating! We control the boiler with an app on our phones. I turned the heating up to like 30c. It’s all old radiators that clank, which is why it’s never on during the night. We sleep with the house at about 15c all winter. 5 minutes of blasting the heat and clanking radiators and Dh was up like a shot and out the door.

I congratulate myself on that one. Because it’s ridiculous that it didn’t even occur to Dh to keep his phone on being the sole parent responsible for a child away at camp, but I felt so smart jolting him out of bed and quite smug getting back in my cosy bed in a nice hotel (not that I slept til I saw they were home).

This has reminded of one of my favourite stories. When Chelsea Clinton was enrolled at Sidwell Friends School, she said that, if it was ever needed, the school would call her father, Bill, because her mother, Hilary, was too busy to be disturbed.
Bill Clinton was President of the USA at the time….

Also a teacher. I phone the person who has listed themselves as the primary contract. No, I don't phone around in my 20 minute break that is my only opportunity for food, drink and toilet.

He also had time to entertain Monica Lewinsky (and no doubt others) while President so I think Hillary maybe had a point

I agree why don’t they ask the child

dd 9 wasn’t well the other month and school rang me. Phone downstairs. Me in shower.

i saw it maybe 15m later and called back

school asked dd if she wanted them to call dad as couldn’t get hold of me. She said no as we are separated and didn’t want him to turn up

so yes at 11 I would expect your son to say call dad he’s works locally

I am a Head of Year, so I'm regularly ringing about pastoral or behaviour issues.
I do follow the priority contact list but what I will say is that out of all the parents who are aggressive, rude, and intimidating / shouty- it's mostly the men.

I'm in a preschool and call the first contact then the second. It's madness they don't call the next person OP, what a dumb policy. I'm at both sides of it, because I work with kids hands on I can't have my phone with me whereas dh is more accessible but i work PT and am more likely to collect. If I don't answer my kids school ring DH. In my experience 100% of the first numbers are mothers. It's mostly because form filling is done by mums but it's not just another example of mothers taking on the extra load. When children are sick they ask for their Mum, that's just the way it is. And mothers usually want to be the first to comfort a sick child.

It’s because you’re first contact! The power (and responsibility) to change that is yours.

I'm sure they call whoever is the first registered contact on the form the parents complete - which yes is usually mum. I don't believe they sit and choose! If you want Dad called first, ask to make him the primary contact on kids paperwork 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think if they've called the first named contact, it is your responsibility to find someone to collect, not theirs to do the ringing round for you.

If it was something truly urgent, I'd keep calling others on the list, but if I've left a message for the person I've been asked to call first, I'd assume it was in hand.

Likewise with us, DP is down as priority 1, I'm priority 2. He had to complain before they started ringing him first, literally admitting they call mums first while also admitting they have on the notes that he is the more available parent to call. The sexism drives me mad.

It depends how urgent it is and who the other contacts are. If it's a general query that can wait (maybe more relevant to primary school where phone calls home might be made saying child is not feeling well, might be worth collecting or else we can try and hold) then only contact 1 might be phoned. If child needs collecting then contact 1 is tried, then 2.

I think you need to email the school and change yourself to contact 2.