Schools phoning mums as the default

[Throwntothewolves]

I've seen this plenty of times on here, and in my own experience the school will always call me and not DH when they need to speak about DS. This happened in primary school, and now in secondary.
I'm at work when DS is at school almost all the time. DH is at home. Even if I say to call him they don't.

Can anyone working in a school who makes these types of phone calls explain why this is?

Not a myth at all, happened to us at Primary all the time. DH was wfh and 1st contact. Still they called me.

In most cases with young children I know, if there's a parent who works fewer hours/is home on parental leave etc, it is the mum, so it makes sense. Obviously I know some families where it's the dad, so you just put whichever parent is more likely to be able to get there quickly in your household as default (and obviously the same goes if your partner is the same sex as you!)
There was a school worker who apparently always phoned the male parent, really annoying one SAHM because despite her reminding her that she was at home, and listed as the parent to call first, this woman called her husband 3 times in a row, disturbing him at work.
They should call whichever person you put first, and the others in order if that person can't answer. In my job, I'm often not able to answer the phone, so I'm the third emergency contact.

They don’t phone his dad if they can’t get you?

He sounds like a prat.

He should be calling whoever is listed on the first contact in the forms and not playing ridiculous games.

He’s no better than the woman in a school I worked in who deliberately inputted the mother’s name on the form as first contact regardless of how the parents had filled the form in.

Oh he is a prat.

It came after a lot of kickback from mums saying "why do your staff only every call the mums" and he sent a very sarcastic letter explaining they'll now have to put up with the dads being called.

Thing is with private schools, you annoy a couple of staff and their reaction is not really governed.

Mums will be called second though which by the sounds of this feed is a lot more than most schools do! Makes him sound quite good if anything 😉

Even if the Mum is listed first?

The people saying they always contact first listed are incorrect. Dad has been listed first on every Nursery and School for multiple children and they always call me. If I don’t answer twice, then they might call him.

Work in school office. First named person is contacted. Far too busy to worry or notice if it’s mum or dad.

Ive tried several times to comment. Fingers crossed this time works. If your school uses a large system eg SIMS, there will be parental details entered on the system with a Parental Priority. Both Mum and Dad can be priority 1, but most families, even now default to Mum , priority 1, dad priority 2 and contact details unlikely to be contacted accurately or completely by the admissions team. Often that data was input from application. In prinary more likely for mum to be primary. I was a secondary school data manager for 8 years. Poor admissions data is a nightmare that trickles through a school life. I got to a point where every data issue in Year 7 got sent straight back to the admissions team, in the ever hopeful expectation they might learn. There should be a parent portal where, as a parent, you can review student and contact data and request amendments. Please note SIMS couldn't deal with different priorities for different forms of communication, eg enail vs text message.

We changed the principal contact from me to my husband as the constant calls about my youngest (special needs) were really impacting my mental health

He is first contact. They still call me. Doesn’t matter how many times we’ve told them to call him.

We put my husband as first contact for secondary school. They still call me first. I can’t not have my number there, they ask for a second number in case they can’t get through.

It’s not just schools though. We listed him first with physio, they call me. Same with wheelchair services.

It’s also not just children. The vet calls me first too. Even when he phoned them for the appointment, took the dog in for surgery and told them to call him when she was done, they still called me first.

Oh don’t do that.

Are you suggesting dads aren’t interested in their child’s welfare?

We specifically told DS’s first primary to call DH, as his workplace for closer and far more flexible. They always did. For his second primary, we said the opposite because I was now far closer.

One thing, from teacher POV, is to clarify what "I've told them" means.

You can tell your child's teacher but usually they won't know how to, or be able to, change your child's entry on the information system. Office staff need to do it.

I pick first contact and call them. If I don't get a reply, I will usually only call second contact if I know their relationship (except in an emergency) as I don't want to discuss with a person who might not be in a position to take action.

I often had to make the phone calls.

I used the emergency numbers in order first. There was one time that I knew that the mother had a job where it was difficult for her to leave...

I'd phoned both emergency contacts. The first was a grandmother. The second was an aunt. Neither answered. Only then did I call the parents.

Knowing the mother's situation, I phoned the father's number at work. He didn't pick up. In the end, I had no choice but to phone the mother's work phone. (Their child was lying across two chairs on her back, screaming her head off.)

This resulted in my school (and, I believe, the Director of Education) getting a a complaint. In addition, the father sent a vitriolic letter to me.

In my experience, schools try to be accommodating.

They like to annoy parents like we have no other life outside of parenting? Cos the Dad's don't tolerate there petty bs?
I block a teacher i can not stand ber bs!

I always used to call the one who was the first contact.

Every school my children have been to have had a contact form asking for primary contact and then two others.

Just don’t put your number as a primary contact? Email and make it clear that your dh should be the first contact.

Well that’s just daft.

It would really piss me off if a teacher did that just to prove a point. They would be wasting everyone’s time.

I am first contact as I am at home all day, 5 mins from the school. There’s little point in calling dh, who would be working.

My experience with primary was that they only ever called the first contact. We had four contacts listed, me, DH, MiL and SiL. If I didn't answer my phone they would leave a voicemail asking me to come and pick up DC. They didn't contact DH. I would normally see it within 30 minutes or so but once, when I was traveling, DC got sick first thing and they left me a message at about 10 am saying she was in the nursing station and could I come and pick up. I didn't get the message all day. They didn't contact anyone else on our list and after lunch they just put DC back in class! Didn't mention it at pick up. DC told DH she'd been sick but he thought she must have been exaggerating, though she seemed out of sorts. It was only because I picked up messages and asked DH about it that he discovered shh hadn't been exaggerating. I sent a stiff email which got a conciliatory response, but it didn't change anything.

You need to ask them if you are priority one and get the record changed.

Take it to the Deputy Head for Pastoral if you've asked at the office level already.

Who made the original application? Theyre the first contact by default (as the second doesn't even exist when the MIS record is set up).

Because long experience tells them that mums deal with the issue immediately whereas often dads do not.

Please tell me you're joking 😮

I don’t know why so many people are hung up on this - I’m a teacher; I phone the first person on the list unless it says in the notes to phone both or that there’s some other arrangement. I don’t have time to apply any gender expectations to it!