Discovered I was a creative 'muse' for an old flame 30 years ago. Feeling completely thrown

[KeepOnCleaning]

I recently uncovered my university diaries from the mid-1990s and have been completely thrown by what I found when reading my contemporary self. Back then, while navigating a difficult long-distance relationship with the man who is now my husband of 24 years, I had a brief, incredibly intense, and angsty six-month affair with a co-worker. He was an international student, deeply introspective, and far more worldly than me. I always assumed I was just a passing, conventional interlude in his life and that he’d forgotten me. However, on finding my diaries, out of curiosity I looked up his adult career - he became a successful screenwriter and director - and I was shocked to discover that one of his major, internationally broadcast TV drama series relies directly on the exact, highly specific relationship dynamics, conversations, and emotional conflicts we shared, even down to naming a core character after my husband. I am happily married and have no intention of disrupting my real life, but processing the sudden realisation that I was a defining creative muse for a successful television production decades ago has reopened a closed compartment in my mind. I am struggling with a surreal wave of nostalgia and really need a space to process these feelings, as I can't talk about this with anyone in my real life.

Interesting!

I saw some of insta / fb videos a while back (think they are all deleted now) and thought the was absolutely nuts with such a hugely inflated sense of self. Also her Piers Morgan interview. She just seems to be operating in a completely different reality. Even describing herself as a lawyer when I believe she never actually practiced.

what was your experience with her?

You haven't watched the show but you know it contains all the exact same arguments and conversations you had?

🤣🤣🤣

Through work and 2 of my current colleagues were at uni at the same time as her. They said she was just as deranged back then as she is today.

You’re correct about her never having been a lawyer at any point, she never held a practising certificate but persisted in claiming she was.

How could his porn addiction be your fault??

It's not difficult to find those details without watching with a bit of internet and IMDB digging!

I promise, I'm not a troll! I have nothing to prove to you. I needed to talk but this isn't something I can talk about in real life, for obvious reasons

Really?

Fair play but I would've thought it would be very difficult to discover the level of detail you know about it, without watching it.

Anyway, are you going to give it a watch? I'd be chomping at the bit rather than posting here 😁

You haven't seen the show? Could it be that the hints of plot and structure that you have from IMDB aren't detailed enough to rule out the possibility that this man has eveolved the story from his own habitual relationship patterns, rather than from their manifestation in the one specific relationship with you?

I think this is probably the case. OP, you might actually benefit from watching it to see how much isn’t actually about you.

It's still possible that as the OP is in the mindset that it's definitely about her, she could still read into it that it is no matter what.

Like when people read their horoscopes and somehow it always 'fits'.

Still, I'd be watching it if I were her and I think it's a bit strange that she hasn't.

I know everyone is saying I'm imagining it, but really, the details are so specific. I can't say more without being outing. I will absolutely be watching it!

Random question but if you kept the fairly detailed diaries from this time weren’t you worried about your husband accidentally reading them and finding out about the affair?

Obviously I don't know what his motives were for writing about your relationship, but as a writer I do know we don't necessarily write about things because we need to process them through our art or because they were life defining moments, but often just because they make good stories.

It might well be about your relationship with him, or based on it, but that doesn't mean it meant more to him than it did to you.

I confessed at the time. I'm actually more worried about my DC finding them. My husband made his choice many years ago and I genuinely don't think he'd go searching for more details than he wants to know.

So get rid of them?

Well apparently, because we had a sexual relationship we were joined spiritually and I was essentially possessing him.

I think in reality because I'd met someone else (who was nice, not a weirdo and didn't emotionally manipulate me) he got big hurty feelings that he held onto for 30 years

Yes, I agree with this. There is a difference between being a 'creative muse', and just being someone in the life of a writer who mines his experiences to create stories.
Based on the thread title, I was expecting something very different from the actual content of the OP.

I will eventually but I'm not ready to. This isn't the only memory I'd be losing by throwing them away.

I think I understand OP. That it is making you feel something but you dont really understand what it is. I think that intense relationships when we are young leave memories deeply embedded in our brains because it's the first time having those feelings and experiences. Mostly the memories stay hidden unless brought back to life by seeing the person, hearing about them or re-reading a diary etc. It has happened to me and it feels very discombobulating, as the buried memories came to the surface much more sharply than I would have expected.

My first proper boyfriend (lost virginity to, had an intense but mainly long distance relationship) became a non fiction author long after we lost touch. It felt strange to read reviews of his books in the Guardian. The subject matter of one of his books was the place we met, which he was visiting for the first time. I was very curious but deliberately did not buy/read the book. If I'm mentioned in it even in an anonymised way, i think I'll feel disturbed but I can't explain why. If I'm not in it then I think I'll feel slightly annoyed but again I can't explain why.

Sorry for waffling on but I think your feelings are normal and you need to sit with them for a little while, then push them back into your memories where they belong. As you say it's not as if anyone else will recognise you in the fictional tale.

I want you to watch it right now!!!

You don't lose memories by throwing anything away.

If we did, no-one would ever move house.

But I'm struggling to understand why you think you were a 'creative muse' rather than just someone he had a brief relationship with?

What makes you think it?

I would say that forbidden young love is a remarkably uniform experience. Discussion topics and emotional tension are similar, especially if both are intelligent and well educated. I found it surprising how familiar the relationship in Mill in the Floss felt! So whilst you may have been his muse, you're in no way unique and those experiences could be reflecting countless lovers. Sorry to tell you you're ordinary!

Yes, the thread title doesn’t really make much sense or match the context of the op.

I’m still of the opinion the op is reading far too much into this and I get that we’re all different but holding onto diaries from 30 odd years ago that could potentially really upset people if they found them doesn’t sound like a good idea.

When I was in my early 20s, I met a woman while we were backpacking, and we began a relationship, which continued long distance after we went home. She came to stay with me for a few months, and I was planning on heading to her country for a few months as well, but we ended up breaking up before I went.

Every few years I get curious and have a bit of a nosey on social media to see what my exes are up to, and on one of these I find out that she has a couple of albums on Spotify. I have a listen, they're not bad and ever since my algorithm will occasionally chuck one of her songs at me. Last year I hear one, think "That sounds like X" and check my phone, only to realise the song is named after the town I live in. So I Google translate the lyrics, and realise it's definitely about me.

The song was... fair, I suppose. The relationship didn't end well, and a large part of that was me not making the effort while we were long distance. The song reflects that, and I don't come off particularly well. Other parts I'm remembered with more fondness. But despite that, it's still a bit of an ego boost to know that someone you were in a relationship with 2 decades ago still thinks of you enough to write and record a song about you. It's like a confirmation that the memory you have is real, and it mattered to the other person in the same was they still matter to you enough to have the occasional Facebook stalk. That I'm still a part of this person, just like they're still a part of me.