Has the lifestyle our parents had become impossible?

[bumblebugs]

My parents had what I suppose you’d call a very privileged/upper-middle or upper-class upbringing. They went to fancy private schools, there was family money around, and when they married they were able to buy a lovely big family home.
Growing up, we went to private school, had nice holidays (often a few a year), and generally had a very comfortable lifestyle. My parents would go to balls, have dinner parties, entertain friends etc. None of it seemed particularly unusual in their circle.
Now I’m married with a child myself, I’m realising that recreating anything close to that lifestyle seems almost impossible.
Between us, my husband and I earn roughly what I would have considered comparable to what our parents earned, and we both work hard. We have a nice life and can just about afford the things that matter to us, so I know we’re fortunate. But private school, a large family house and three nice holidays a year? Absolutely not. Even the social side seems different I don’t really know anyone regularly going to balls or hosting the sort of dinner parties our parents did.
I always assumed if I worked as hard as my parents did, I’d be able to give my children a broadly similar upbringing to the one I had. Now it feels as though the goalposts have completely moved.
Has anyone else from a similar background found this? Is this lifestyle simply much more expensive and inaccessible to our generation, or am I looking back at my childhood through rose-tinted glasses?

I think things have switched across the generations. The basics are much more expensive and the luxuries are much cheaper. We go on more holidays now than my parents did but could never afford to live where I grew up. And no, saving the holiday money would never bridge the gap! Myself and my husband have done very significantly better in terms of jobs and pay than our parents but could not afford the houses, locations and hours they worked ( part time Mums for example).

I actually did very badly in school due to time off being unwell and also being very dyslexic. I did leave though and get into a good well paid job same job filed as my mum. Currently on maternity leave though.

You say there was family money which implies your parents lifestyle wasn’t funded from their earnings. Did they get money from a family trust? Where did the family money go?

No. My parents lifestyle massively outstripped their own parents. They were the first on both sides of the family to buy a home rather than rent. There was not enough for balls or private school or fancy dinner parties though.
DH and I have followed the trend and now have a lifestyle that neither of our parents could have had.

Your parents were not the norm, and although on Mumsnet sending DC to private schools is common it’s not in the real world .. you had a very charmed childhood be grateful and no doubt your children have a very nice childhood too . Times have changed…

Depends on your childhood - my mum was a single parent in the 70’s - we barely heated the house - shared a bath twice a week, ate cheap basic food, had no car or holidays so my life is much better - as a single parent - not rich but managing

This snooker table belonged to my friend's brother in the late 1960's, so very posh indeed. In fact, I thought their loft conversion was the stuff of dreams!

I feel completely the same, and what makes it feel all the more stark is we still live near each other (in London) and I work in the same industry as my mother, and, briefly, father - but my father also has a big career crossover with my husband - making us pretty analogous.
My parents had a beautiful and large two bed flat in a lovely area of London in a beautiful building. We are leaseholders on a nice two bed flat in an unloved council estate with huge antisocial and drug problems.
My parents sent us to private school - mine was comparatively cheap; they definitely weren't rolling in money, but we could get by, and had a (modest) summer holiday most years. We couldn't even begin to fathom sending my child to a fee-paying school, it's just impossible.
Stacking our chronologies on top of each other, my husband and I would be buying a 5 bed house in about 8 years time. I mean, never say never, but I can't quite see how we'll ever afford any house without inheritance (and even with it doesn't feel like a certain thing).
I am obviously hugely fortunate that in the fullness of time I will get a share of my parents estate, but I feel pathetic that it's come to that, and in the meantime I just feel like my quality of life is so much lower.

My parents had nothing, so in that respect sure! But there is a progressive flattening of wealth distribution in this country, and it is only getting worse. Everything is becoming just okay. That one family that was clearly doing well... can you see them? Nope, everyone is just getting by in a spiral of Ocado orders and leased cars and package holidays. School choices are actively punished with the VAT imposition and the removal of selection across the better state schools. But just as things improved over many years post-war, there is no reason to assume they cannot again. Vote for parties that regard wealth creation as important and wealth retention as a right.

I mean my parents had money my grandparents had money my parents both worked dad a big corporate job mum self employed both grandparents lived well into there 90s so my upbringing was funded by my parents working

My 4 sisters and myself are far MORE wealthy than our parents!

Born in Council House, father son of farm labourer, mother only ever worked p/t sporadically.

We all have/had careers and all own our own properties - growing up I wouldn't have dreamt it possible, only rich people bought houses!

Amazing changes in my life of 68 years!

Yes but your in the age bracket, that were able to do that my parents and all their siblings were the same , it’s the under 50s that have little chance of having a better life style then they parents .

I’m so annoyed with my trajectory. Left with one, fairly posh parent with an excellent career who not only received the estate of my deceased parent, but also their previous inheritance, their own early inheritance and a huge windfall. We should have had a very nice quality of life. They got together with step-parent, jacked in career, set up various little unsuccessful businesses, bought a money pit second home I wasn’t allowed to go to and they wouldn’t rent out, went on six holidays a year and drank champagne at home, before enrolling on a few pointless university degrees and then dying…

…leaving absolutely everything to my step parent. I work bloody hard, but we live on toast now.

My parents (both dead) had privileged childhoods (private schooling) but poor adulthoods. Mum died very young. Dad remarried but lived rest of life struggling financially.

As a result of Dad struggling financially full sibling and I had a poverty stricken childhood (thank goodness for council home and free school meals)

Full sibling and I have now done far better than our Dad could ever have hoped. Mainly by doing the opposite of what he did!! We learned from his mistakes.

I’m deliberately living life as frugally as possible so that DH and I can pass some wealth onto DC. We’ll do this while we are alive and if grandchildren are ever on the horizon I plan to start some sort of family trust that will share funds out evenly among GC at age 25.

I saw a graph that tracked household income, house prices and gold prices over the last 50 odd years. What was fascinating was that house prices and gold prices have risen pretty much in line with each other. Wages haven't. They have been falling behind for a long time, but particularly over the last 25 years.

Lifestyles change. Balls and dinner parties really aren’t a thing these days, or rather they have evolved into more family friendly gatherings for meals and broader charity events instead of balls (which do exist but aren’t a mainstay activity unless you are in certain occupations like the military). Now I personally love a dinner party and a ball but these days friends prefer meeting at restaurants (which wasn’t a thing when I was growing up, restaurant meals were rare) and social gatherings which once were balls are now more casual dress wise, went to one 2 weeks ago and we raised £2000 for a local charity but more jeans and gig t shirts than tuxedos!

Allowing for inflation, both private school fees and housing are, on average, now roughly twice as expensive as they were 30 years ago. Those are two of the biggest factors in your lifestyle, so it's not surprising you can't compete with your parents. Especially if the family money paid the majority of those costs for them.

Some other things were significantly cheaper until the pandemic (food and holidays, for instance) but the cost of living crisis has wiped out the advantages they gave.

Salaries have also gone up above inflation, though by much, much less, and if you're in the same industry but not at the same level as your mother, you might not have anything like her salary.

However, there are a host of things you have now that your parents probably didn't - technology like smart phones and HD TVs etc. weren't even available 30 years ago and comparable electronics are way cheaper now, cars were far less safe, as were a lot of products we buy. You may have appliances your parents didn't as they're also significantly cheaper (and greener and safer). Crockery, glassware, kitchen and home goods, furniture, etc. is all less expensive. Clothing is way cheaper (quality also down, but like for like still cheaper if you aren't buying a brand). Women nowadays also tend to spend a fortune on beauty regimes that their mothers didn't. You probably don't notice this as much as the housing or school fees, though.

So yes, parents' lifestyle likely impossible unless the family money was enough and well invested to keep up with the increase in those big expenditures (which they could have done if tracking the stock market and reinvesting most dividends).

I had a similar background to you, OP.

I realised before marrying or having kids that it was unlikely that I’d be able to replicate it for my own children.

This wasn’t helped by marrying a cocklodger before my career had really taken off.

I am a SP now, no financial support from ex, I work around DC and we live in a small house. My parents help me way more than they should have to.

I feel sad that my DC won’t know that lifestyle but I try to remember we’re a lot better off than most.

By the way I’m in my 50’s my life was far easier than my parents and my dc’s lives have been far more privileged than mine so far both due to what we could afford compared to my parents (far more) my parents helping them and one has an excellent job, three times what I earn from their own hard work but says upbringing helped

@MrsBroccolini So why not aspire to a better job and move? If you both teach, getting a house is easy in some areas. Parents can pass on wealth before they die, so why don’t they? Do they consider IHT is worth paying?

This ! Alcoholic father amazing but worn out stressed mother trying to hold everything together she did a fantastic job but we were dirt poor and knew it . She made sure we all achieved at school so we could have more in life
We own our own house have good savings and pensions ( in our sixties )and are in a position to help our kids financially ( in their 30 s and having a much harder time financially than we ever did ) but we have always spent modestly and never wanted the high life for me anything better than my childhood is luxury even 60 years later

I'm from a similar privileged background to you, OP- ponies, boarding school etc, and am now richer (in real terms) than my parents.

Housing is the main difference between then and now- average house cost 3x earnings in 1980 and it's many times that now, which wipes out a lot of discretionary spending for most people. Average MC couple (eg a pair of GPs) can no longer afford what would have been a typical MC life.

It's also just very hard to make direct comparisons across 50 years as ideas of normal have changed (we were extremely privileged but my parents would never have countenanced eg getting a takeaway, whereas my kids treat that as completely normal). But people I know are still doing the same things your parents did- hosting elaborate parties with staff etc, going on lots of holidays. There is still a lot of money washing about- it's more concentrated maybe.

I don't think many people are going to events referred to as balls these days- that term is now 99% of the time either for paid student parties or paid semi-promotional events (or hunt balls, I suppose, but they were always a different sort of thing). I also think that childhood memories can be a bit unreliable. In my memory everything has a sort of hazy glow and my parents' various social functions were incredibly glamorous and money wasn't really a thing- but in reality I imagine there were some people financing it all on debt and struggling to keep their heads up, and I can't believe my parents and their friends were really that glamorous. Everything smelled of fag ash and L'Air du Temps. That recent Rivals adaptation has been a massive blast from the past.

Agree. My parents both Factory workers. Owned their own home mortgage free after 6 years saving and renting. Went on annual holidays. Owned their own cars. No loans. Had a massive savings pot. And now in retirement have 2 holidays a year. Still own their own massive 4 bed and have 2 cars. Live very comfortably.

Me and DH both work jobs that are very professional DH earns 70k and we can never offord our own home. Only holiday every 2 years. And we have 1 car.

It is crazy how badly things have turned out.

Drs used to live comfortably now they are qualifying with 100k debt. It is madness.

I think the answer is yes, but not for wealth reasons. I wonder what my parents (mid earners) would have thought in the 70/80s if you showed them what life is like now. From microwaves, to tumble dryers, to food delivered, space age comfortable cars, computing, communications. Products from around the world, safety standards, gender equality in law, healthcare standards, childbirth standards, vaccinations. Choice. We could go on and on. 1970s parent would surely be agog at our standard of living. Money is one measure, there are many others. Would a person of today really want that world? The other side is women‘s time and work. We do so much now, at such a pace. Maybe we were happier then.

Oddly the reverse has been my experience. Grew up on a council estate and never had anything, not even food in the school holidays as there were no free school lunches.

I now have the lifestyle described above. I wonder whether the issue is, in a small part, the expectation when you have a MC start that that is your benchmark. Perhaps MC kids just didn’t see how hard their parents worked to achieve what they did, or appreciate the financial manoeuvring to underwrite it at the time? To them it looked easily achieved because they were shielded from it? I never wanted my kids to know the uncertainty I experienced as a child so we worked hard and never let them know when we were worried.

I know my DC are absolutely oblivious to how hard their DF works, the stress etc - they weren’t there for the first 10yrs of beans on toast and inflatable beds while we scrimped and saved, did a second job, and they were obviously nonethewiser as young children of the periods when we weren’t sure we had enough to last to the end of the month. And now, at 18/21, they just go through life knowing that they’re privileged, safe, and there is money as needed - but they don’t really understand the journey to get there.

I suspect they will sit there in 20 years marvelling at how lucky we had it and how much harder than us they’ve had to work to have less. My husband said the same about him/his parents 10 years ago…