Has the lifestyle our parents had become impossible?

[bumblebugs]

My parents had what I suppose you’d call a very privileged/upper-middle or upper-class upbringing. They went to fancy private schools, there was family money around, and when they married they were able to buy a lovely big family home.
Growing up, we went to private school, had nice holidays (often a few a year), and generally had a very comfortable lifestyle. My parents would go to balls, have dinner parties, entertain friends etc. None of it seemed particularly unusual in their circle.
Now I’m married with a child myself, I’m realising that recreating anything close to that lifestyle seems almost impossible.
Between us, my husband and I earn roughly what I would have considered comparable to what our parents earned, and we both work hard. We have a nice life and can just about afford the things that matter to us, so I know we’re fortunate. But private school, a large family house and three nice holidays a year? Absolutely not. Even the social side seems different I don’t really know anyone regularly going to balls or hosting the sort of dinner parties our parents did.
I always assumed if I worked as hard as my parents did, I’d be able to give my children a broadly similar upbringing to the one I had. Now it feels as though the goalposts have completely moved.
Has anyone else from a similar background found this? Is this lifestyle simply much more expensive and inaccessible to our generation, or am I looking back at my childhood through rose-tinted glasses?

This is what’s happening. We all stagnate whilst the super rich become even richer. And most of us are absolutely 100% behind it.

I think that’s a fairly unusual/privileged upbringing but you’re right that achieving anything close to what our parents’ generation did/had feels impossible.

My dad was self employed and my mum worked part time, we were far from well off but today that wouldn’t even begin to cover the bills for most people.

I’m not living that lifestyle (nor do I want to) but come from that…I do however know people that live that lifestyle, so it does still happen but they do prioritise social activities. Surely you could host a dinner party if you wanted? I could afford to do that and I earn a pittance. 🤣

Not everyone is going to fancy balls and what not, most people just bob along in life, did your parents not give you any of their money? 🤔

I guess it would depend on who you associate with

I think charity balls etc are still being organised but they are for more socialite type people. I guess you’re not mixing in that crowd

On average to replicate the spending power your parents had, typically in a single salary household, you would now need both of you to have the same job as your parent who worked.

My dad was a dentist and with no inheritance or support from parents managed to buy a large detached house in a decent area and send 3 children to private school. He retired at 50.

Nowadays 2 dentists living together would struggle to replicate that lifestyle for their family.

My parents were were a bank clerk and a postman/factory worker.

I'm a solicitor and DH is a civil servant. There's no "we all" or "our" in this.

Totally agree with this. Social mobility is declining if not stagnating and this is a political choice. The impacts of unequal wealth are bleeding into the political system but we all seem to be voting for it. We’re pointing down, not up. Wealth is not taxed to the same degree that work is but we are all ok with that!

I don’t have your experience OP, I have the complete opposite - I came from relative deprivation, benefitted from a good (free) education and now live a life I could not have imagined as a child. I think I’m very lucky for lots of reasons and certainly acknowledge that for friends who lived a life of privilege growing up, the realities of life now are sometimes a bit of a shock. Saying that, I know plenty of people who, due to generational wealth, will never have that insight - they will always be protected from “real life”.

That’s the advantage of having grown up in a poor, overcrowded WC household with parents in unskilled manual jobs — my childhood was awful, neglected materially and emotionally, but my (fairly modest) adult life is one of unimaginable luxury and freedom in comparison. (We regularly have friends over for dinner. That doesn’t have to be expensive.)

@Peacock22 They would not if they lined in a cheaper area and did private work. It’s housing costs that are a big issue. 2 at private school would be doable - just about. Probably not Eton!
Best plan is aim for a grammar area and pay for a crammer prep first.

We have a much better lifestyle than our parents. dD1 is high earning but DD2 isn’t. DD1 is marrying someone with a well paid professional job. They will me fine. DD2? Not sure yet,

We do have friends over all the time but not to the standard my parents did I don’t regularly cook big bits of expensive beef with salmon canapés and expensive wine and champagne my parents did help help out with deposit money but where I live it only got me a small flat at the time I’ve managed to get a house with my husband in the south but compared to my childhood home it’s small

Another thrilled, lucky peasant here who made the most of her free education to build a life that none of her ancestors (including her own parents) could have dreamt of.

I work with a lot of people who were privately educated and feel very bitter. Diddums.

From your OP title and the wording ‘our parents’, do you just mean yours and your husband’s parents ? As I don’t think most people’s parents had this lifestyle, or that most people grew up into this scenario.

TBH I don’t think I really know anyone from this sector of society but would guess there are plenty of them who are still having all the holidays and the private school and the big houses. You only need to read Mumsnet to see that this is the case . There are also plenty of people on here who will say that they grew up working class but are now middle class. It’s possible that in the main these people are a little bit older than you, I don’t know.

I have a higher standard of living that my parents did. They both come from upper working class backgrounds, first generation to go to university. We had everything we needed but they were maxed out on a 110% mortgage, it was UK holidays and cheap convenience food, eating out was a McDs, cost of childcare was crippling for them. Constant worries about money.

In comparison, I'm much more comfortable and money is less of a worry. Mortgage, small house nice area but it'll be paid off before I'm 50 possibly 45, modest abroad holiday most years, we can eat out now and again, my children have hobbies paid for. The cost of living is very expensive but we are managing fine. We don't have the money worries I remember from childhood but we are careful. I can afford a cleaner and pay a gardener now and again, these things were entirely out of reach for my parents. They certainly never went to balls and drank champagne or had dinner parties! We don't either mind...

I have a way better lifestyle than my poor old parents did.
Worried about my kids though.

Well that’s not a surprise really? My father was a doctor and my mother worked part time with three kids. They were able to buy a very large detached house in a nice area on his salary alone, two of us went to (very good) state school my younger to private. Not quite the lifestyle of your parents (one holiday a year and no balls), but comfortable. This was 1970s/80s.
Now my sister is a doctor and she’d have to clone herself about five times to have a hope of affording it.
My DH and I bought our first home together from teachers. My DH was a city lawyer which was how we could afford it (£1.25m). I sold it to city banker for over £2.2m. No way could those teachers have afforded that! I’m always amazed prices going up that anyone can afford to buy, but they obviously can. And of course it’s not just property - everything has gone up massively.

My parents rose from a combination of absolute poverty and working class to home ownership - something they valued hugely and felt privileged to achieve and sacrificed any luxuries like holidays to have.

Neither had education beyond basic, in one case infant school literacy level but all their children achieved Alevels, but not university - seen as 'not for us'. In fact there was a tension around even Alevels creating 'snobs'.

All their children are homeowners - without too much struggle and with expectations that they also get holidays/luxuries.

Their grandchildren have been educated well and several have gone to university (not all) but despite this their jobs are demanding, uncertain and not even full time hours in some cases. They live at home or in shared houses, likely due to age. They will not be able to afford to be home owners in the current market unless they move to a much cheaper area, where they will not have jobs.

Fortunes rise and fall. My children (the grandchildren) are still a thousand miles away from the poverty of their grandparents, but I don't like the future for any children they might have (none keen to have any atm)

when you say ‘our parents’
you also say ‘But private school, a large family house and three nice holidays a year?’ and tbh I don’t know anyone that could afford this in the 70s/80s/90s either except very rich people and they were very unusual. Though perhaps this was my social circle at the time.
however I do know people in their mid-late 20s now who own large homes, go on multiple nice holidays a year, drive nice cars and can afford to host friends, attend parties etc. with no problem. Typically they had parents from previous generations who were not selfish or stupid with money, and who shared their wealth. They were given large housing deposits, taught to drive, bought first cars, given trust funds and financial advice, and assisted to get good, well paying jobs. they were given help and then they were sensible and worked hard themselves too. they absolutely will continue to gain wealth and probably will be able to afford 3 nice holidays and private school for their own children in the future.

I had a similar upbringing in a leafy suburb. We hung about at tennis clubs in the summer and cycled between friend’s houses. Most of the mums didn’t work – they were just of that generation. Everyone’s kid in the area went to private school because it was patently affordable. You could be a fairy average level manager or a bog standard GP and afford it. Now I think you’d struggle to be a GP and send your kids to private school.

Everything is way more expensive and taxes in very real terms are much much higher. Before everyone points at the super rich, as some snarky comments have, this is not about the super Rich. This is about a country that is unproductive and spending more than it earns.

You grew up in what was a very privileged and prosperous time for many people (and yes obviously there will be exceptions to that rule, who no doubt will jump on this post about their individual circumstances despite broadly the economic fact of this being true). It is just not that anymore.

The life my children have is probably materially comparable to mine as a child, which was at the nicer end of average with hobbies, UK holidays, school being the local comp, but the big difference is the house. The road I grew up on used to be occupied by plumbers, secretaries, classroom teachers. Now the houses are bought by doctors, headteachers etc. We definitely can't afford a comparable house and consequently have less space.

I have a much higher standard of living than my parents. DH doesn’t but they had a housekeeper and a house that sold for 2 million the last time it came up for sale in Surrey, decades after they left. His parents got divorced when he was 18 and it was financial disaster for lifestyle.

But private schooling is not the be all and end all in our opinion. My friend has that kind of life, down at The Yacht club, doing charitable stuff like balls and making up baskets to raffle off. She came from nothing at all.

The big difference for me is that my mother didn't work. We have both of us working full time to have something approximating the same lifestyle.

I do not think my children (early 20s) will have anything like the lifestyle that we have.

I do, however, see, a huge difference in outcomes based on inheritance. My children see some of their peers inheriting huge amounts from wealthy grandparents etc. Means that people in similar jobs have wildly different lifestyles.

Well, feed your guests vegetarian food and splurge on good wine?

+1 I find it bizarre...its made me realise how financially illiterate most of the uk is.
However benefits culture is a huge issue (we are a nation of net recipients)

Back to OP's situation...
Given their baseline wealth, I'm surprised... gicen the lifestyle, if your parents invested even half decently they should have multiple millions in assets now...it was very easy to rapidly grow wealth in the 90s... that will presumably all be coming to you at some point?

The people i know who had childhoods like yours are living "better" than you but its 100% not self funded.
Presumably it's your choice to be independent....?

For context the 4-5 couples we know similar to you are working professionals making 100k or so and tell themselves they are independent.
Back in reality, they live in 4/5 bed houses in Hampstead/Brookmans Park/Highgate which are generally bought by their parents via trusts. This is after they funded the 100k wedding.
The parents then also pay for the annual ikos / Barbados etc. Family holiday which our friends go on "to humour them" and because "it's nice for the kids".
The trust / investments also pay for kids prep schools and invariably the GPs live locally and do adhoc babysitting too.

One got given a 2025 tesla because "her dad bought it but didnt like it"

so our friends have 200k gross to cover basic bills and day to day living (maybe an after school nanny?) You have to pay for housing, cars, holidays, education&childcare etc etc

I grew up much less advantaged than you. My parents could afford private education as I got a scholarship / bursary. My children "have it better" but im top 2% earner my parents were probably around top 50 or 60%...
Bizarrely private education is totally off the table and I had naively assumed my 2 children would go from 4-18 given dh and I are both top earners.... which goes to show salary means FA these days... assets are where its at.

Well… I didn’t grow up with anything like your lifestyle. My dad grew up in poverty, he was the youngest of 8 children and shared a double bed with 4 of his siblings. Thankfully as each of then became adults and moved out he got more of the bed to himself! His dad was injured in the war and couldn’t work again after his return, his mum was a cleaner.
My mum had a slightly more luxurious upbringing, in that her mum was a nurse (her dad was a carpet fitter but left the family home when the 4 children were all under 10 and they never heard from him again), so she had enough to eat.
My dad did well for himself and got an engineering degree while on an apprenticeship, which means my upbringing was more comfortable than his. No private schools, holidays were a caravan in wales but my brother and I had our own bedroom and materially everything we needed.
I went to university and studied law. Met my husband on a grad scheme. We have a nice house and our children are in private school. So their upbringing is 10x more luxurious than mine, and 100x more luxurious than my parents’! So your post doesn’t resonate with me at all.
Hopefully you’ll get some inheritance from your wealthy parents to equal things out a bit.