Has the lifestyle our parents had become impossible?

[bumblebugs]

My parents had what I suppose you’d call a very privileged/upper-middle or upper-class upbringing. They went to fancy private schools, there was family money around, and when they married they were able to buy a lovely big family home.
Growing up, we went to private school, had nice holidays (often a few a year), and generally had a very comfortable lifestyle. My parents would go to balls, have dinner parties, entertain friends etc. None of it seemed particularly unusual in their circle.
Now I’m married with a child myself, I’m realising that recreating anything close to that lifestyle seems almost impossible.
Between us, my husband and I earn roughly what I would have considered comparable to what our parents earned, and we both work hard. We have a nice life and can just about afford the things that matter to us, so I know we’re fortunate. But private school, a large family house and three nice holidays a year? Absolutely not. Even the social side seems different I don’t really know anyone regularly going to balls or hosting the sort of dinner parties our parents did.
I always assumed if I worked as hard as my parents did, I’d be able to give my children a broadly similar upbringing to the one I had. Now it feels as though the goalposts have completely moved.
Has anyone else from a similar background found this? Is this lifestyle simply much more expensive and inaccessible to our generation, or am I looking back at my childhood through rose-tinted glasses?

I have a good job which has historically paid middling-ly, and salaries have not kept apace with that, so now falling far behind. If I said what I did you'd assume I was earning quite good money. But yes, I am actively trying to change career, but it's difficult as I've always worked in one industry (not teaching) and I'm now trying to move out of it.

We don't want to move out of London - we're both from here, and besides my husband's work involves a lot of London evening (into late night) work, and being able to get home in a cab (or public transport) is vital for him. I'm open to moving areas, but we can't even think about moving at all at the moment - no extra money for a new property, let alone the money moving costs. We can sit tight where we are for the moment, but the question is whether and by how much 5 years' time will be different from where we are now.

The helping now(/IHT) question is a big one, and it's something I've spoken to my mum about, who is generally quite clear-eyed and pragmatic but has become very twitchy about it, and I figure that's her prerogative and it's not my place to push it - though if there's another good time to raise it I'll ask if she's had any further thoughts on it. Plus the biggest asset is the house (which they're rattling around in), and from an IHT POV there's nothing that can be done, which is fine.

@bumblebugs

"there was family money around"

What happened to the family money that you mention? Did your parents spend it all by living beyond their means?

OP ignoring all the comments about how she is in the minority. Most people did not grow up this privileged or had parents who went to 'balls'.

You can still make a fair wodge of cash in the UK as a Dr.

It's just probably loaded more towards end of working life than beginning.

Consultants working in both the NHS and private practice and GPs aren't going short.

For junior doctors though it's a different issue with hard working conditions, relatively low salaries and as you point out study debt.

The problem is that that end of life skew really affects the middle classes willingness to reproduce.

@MrsBroccolini Poor phrasing frim
me! I did not mean you were teachers. Teachers were an example. Very few wages have kept up. Grad starting salaries for a start. Yes, some earn well but many have seen wages slump below inflation. However you are making choices that probably stop you buying

We've given to dc to help them buy. I think it’s what the better off can do. Some won’t agree though. Anyone in London will be clobbered by IHT. And mansion tax.

Well, as someone never having the experience of living this slightly mythical dream of an over privileged childhood, I can’t really comment.

Life was what it is now - some people were high earners, some were low paid workers. Poverty and homelessness was rife.

The only difference now is that no one got the prop up benefits they have now.

The lifestyle and childhood you describe was unusual then and is unusual now. By definition anyone who attended private school (once state schooling was established) was/is in a minority; multiple generations attending private even rarer still. We all live in bubbles where our experiences are 'normal', your bubble was just a bit more rarified than most!

I grew up in typical lower middle class household. Holiday once a year, rarely eating out, extracurriculars possible but a stretch. Both of my parents worked hard to supplement my bursary to a private school.

I guess I am an example of the social mobility that can be achieved through education.

My lifestyle now is significantly more affluent than anything my parents experienced, although my dad’s business did quite well in the end. We have a lovely house, decent social life, put four children through private schools, and they will not need to pay university fees. At 14, the furthest I had been in northern France and my children have all travelled to 5 continents. They all have substantial savings which will more or less buy their first homes.

I would say most of our friends are in a not dissimilar situation. They have done well in life and enjoy better lifestyles than their parents, or at least comparable if they came from money- and many are now inheriting money which of course makes a huge difference (something now many of our parents did- when my granny died, my mum got her favourite chair and a coronation teacup.)

My children (mid 20s) have much better lifestyles than either my parents or I did at a similar age. They have multiple holidays, think eating out regularly is normal, new cars, more clothes and shoes than would fit in any wardrobe I've ever owned, gym memberships, regular big name concerts etc. They aren't even close to buying homes, but they have chosen very different priorities.

They also work much less. DS1 has "enough" working PT. DS is paid to study as part of his apprenticeship, whereas I went to e ending classes in my own time, DS1's GF has jaut resigned from her job to take some time out (supported by savings) becuase she wasn't enjoying it.

Which may well be progress from the slog yourself to death world of work I experienced in my 29s and 30s, but that is one of the reasons I'm comfortably placed now.

That’s the Roaring 20s. Only the rich are partying.

I agree, most of the people in their 40s I know, where they are in comparable job situations to their parents (eg someone I know is a carpenter same as his dad) have smaller houses, older cars, no private school if their parents did, both parents work where parents had one SAH etc. one family I know sent 3 DC through private school 11-18 on one professional job (think architecture level but didn’t become partner or own a firm or freelance) and a part time admin salary. They have a decent sized house and good retirement. That just wouldnt be possible for the average professional now.

We have bought - we're leaseholders in a council block, again thanks to a grandparent inheritance 10+ years ago. Agree with you that I think it's the right thing for better off to do, but feels sad that it's so much harder and I feel embarrassed needing that help!
My salary is stagnant while everything has gone up. My niece has just graduated and is earning more than me (16 years into my career) which brings it into sharp relief.
Desperate to get out but it's a difficult jobs market, and I'm very much siloed within an industry that doesn't love me back, but that afforded my parents a nice quality of life for decades. Sorry, that's enough existentials.

I grew up quite poor compared to my peers at school (hand me down clothes as a kid, no new fashionable clothes until I was at secondary school) because my dad was a skilled tradesman and my mum was first in HR, then a SAHM when I was born, then retrained as a teacher. When I was older, late teens, they seemed to have more disposable income and lived well.
I can’t aspire to the sort of carefree life that they had, they ended up in a nice house with a garden and there’s just no way I could have afforded something similar even when younger, it’s worth almost half a million now. Their first house cost them less than £7K and their combined income at the time (early 70s) was something like £5K. I think the cost of housing has soared beyond anything that people experienced back then, making incomes need to do an awful lot more work than they used to.

I had a similar upbringing to you OP. My DF was a QC in criminal law and at the height of his career in the late 70s, 80s and 90s was probably earning an average of £300k pa in today's money depending on his cases. He had 5 children- 3 (the girls)attended private day school, 2 (the boys) were at boarding school, 2 ex wives who were SAHMs and were left with the large detached family homes in the divorce and paid the equivalent of a good salary in maintenance which carried on even when the children left home. The third ex wife (no DCs) was paid a lump sum in the divorce of £20k in 1987.
He was also able to move on and have a beautiful 5 bedroom home to himself. We had amazing holidays with him eg a month in Tuscany or Sardinia.
We were bought cars for our 17th birthdays, good allowance for university so we had no student debt and deposits for houses, etc...
You would have to earn significantly more than £300k a year these days to live the life my DF did and provide for 5 children the way he did.

My DC are in their 20’s, they live at home and save over 100k each and pay into pensions etc. They do go on nice holidays but are very sensible with socialising costs and buy clothes when needed from shops like Next and Primark.

But you don’t say how you grandparents had their money as, most people in the Victorian period, and before, worked very hard to keep out of the workhouse. If you came from the working class there was hardly anyway way children could get out of it, very little education after 12 or good food.

@ThisOldThangmy parents still have money but it’s there money and they are very much still alive retired and spending it on there own costs or investing mum is still self employed. It’s there money not mine one day maybe but my family live a all live a long time

@Washingupdonemy mums side grandad had a very successful business after being in the war my dads dad worked in London in a very well paid ceo type job of a big company

How much do you and your DH earn and how much did they give you for your flat deposit, also did they contribute towards your wedding costs?

An older colleague of my husband, 25 years older - same job, same employer, similar background - His wife didn't work (I'm 'high' ish) earner. They put 2 kids through private school and top universities, chalet in France. Very very nice lifestyle.

We have a whole extra salary and no kids, and there is absolutely no way we are anywhere close to the lifestyle they had.

We aren't struggling but the difference is crazy.

@lalalapland what is the job? Most jobs have changed a lot over the last twenty years.

I know this isn’t the case for the OP but the people I know who came from seriously minted backgrounds have ended up as artists, writers, musicians, organic farming. They’ve used a secure financial base to go into areas that weren’t going to make them loads of money but things they were passionate about because they knew they had enough money already to cover the bases.

Pilot! It hasn't changed they fly the same planes. I haven't checked if salary has tracked with inflation. But they are heavily unionised so I expect so. The biggest difference is tax but also cost of living.