Excluding friend from holiday.

[Mickey540]

What would you do ? If anything. DS in a group of friends 7 to be precise. They want to go away for weekend overseas for one of their 18 bday. Except bday boy wants to ask 6 leaving one out. Apparently birthday boy doesn’t really talk to him however he is in the group, a friend of my DS and few of others. I have tried to talk to my DS about leaving one out how would he feel, and can a few say they won’t go without him. I feel the friend is being petty and spiteful but this is not a good look on my DS who has been friends for years as have few others. His mom is also a friend of mine albeit not really close I would feel awful if when she finds out.
i have spoken to my child. Would you just let them get on with it. Most are 17, 2 are 18

I hope the left out boy never speaks to them again and finds better friends. Your son and the others are spineless. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but them letting him believe he has had friends for years is cruel.

The birthday boy sounds like a dick.

You've talked about it with your son. At this point I don't see that you have any other choice other than to let them get on with it.

If the birthday boy and the left out friend really don't talk to each other then surely it would be a little odd (or a least, far from automatic) to invite him to a birthday event, even if he is friends with the rest of the group?

It seems a bit mean, but perhaps birthday boy has his reasons, and DS and his friends will just have to deal with it in whatever way seems right. They can take a stand and refuse to go themselves, or try to talk birthday boy round, or go on the holiday and not mention to the excluded one, or go on the holiday saying 'sorry mate, not my idea, but Jason insisted it was just us 6'.
You and the excluded boy's mum can roll your eyes over it together when you meet, hopefully she won't blame you.

Agreed. I mean, I wouldn't invite my friends' friends on my birthday weekend unless I had a relationship with them. Nothing 'petty' about it.

Mind you, Mn continually astonishes me with the number of people who seem to hang around regularly, on a longterm basis, with 'friends' they either don't like, or just don't have any actual relationship with, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that so many Mners think it's totally reasonable to expect someone to invite someone he never talks to on his birthday weekend away.

I think you should encourage your son not to accept this, because it is being nasty for no reason. Big group, everyone goes, not everyone except for one person because of a personality clash.

Besides, when it is being booked they’re all going to have to lie to him until it’s too late for him to come, does your son want to do that?

Presumably these boys are all Year 13 and will have exams next summer? The impact of a friendship group breakdown at this point could be truly awful for the boy left out. I wouldn’t allow my DS to have anything to do with it. I’d rather they organise something after exams and when they’ll may be all be 18.

How can they be in a group but not really speak to each other or be friends, despite birthday boy being in the other boy’s car? I think it’s mean to leave just one person out and I would expect my son to mention this and stand up for the other boy. If they don’t actively dislike each other and there’s been no falling out then it is basically forcing the boy out of the group. A group of friends did similar to me (an event not a holiday) and it was incredibly awkward and sad. I found another group in the end

They are grown adults (or soon to be) so I don’t think parents should be involving themselves - there has to come a point where they aren’t made to include everyone as if they were still at junior school, surely!

You wouldn’t allow them to choose who they want to spend time with when they are a few months (max) away from being grown adults? Wow. Okay.

No, but I wouldn't allow them to drive me round everywhere either.

I know I feel like my hands are tied but I have spoken to him and he seems to have taken it onboard 🤞

I think if the mom wasn’t a friend or I didn’t know the boy well it would be no issue i feel emotionally for the son and what the mom will think when he finds out.

No there has been no falling out, they say 6 is easier to accommodate but ultimately he is just not keen on him but it’s really weak excuse when most of the group are friends with him .

@Boreded i have strongly said to my son I just don’t think he can do this to his friend. He said last night they will invite him but I am not holding out too much hope he has discussed this with said birthday boy.

@CoddledEgos yes precisely this they all go about in a group . Said friend he wants to leave out was round his house with the group a week or so ago having a drink. I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t associate with him but he does.

@Mickey540i don't normally stamp my foot online. But it's hard work being deaf and i can see it in my kids. But you have had some great replies. But your boy isn't responsible for being the moral compass as someone else said. He's still so young in years. Yet older as being a teenager this is one you can offer advice but don't dictate. He needs to work out stuff for himself. Despite how painful that will be! As a parent on the sidelines!

I get that but the fact remains that they are grown adults (or within a few months of being adults). It’s not like they are 8 and want to exclude someone.

Why would you involve yourself in friendships at all when they are that age? And for how long will you do it.? What if they don’t want to invite someone when they are in their 20s? Or 30s? Or older?

Yes a young ADULT.

I get why you would be around to advise your adult child if they are the one left out but people talking about not allowing them to do this is batshit!

Mostly they operate as ‘the group’ within a group there are always people you get in with more or less, and it’s ’the group’ so as long as everyone is liked by a few, that’s fine.

This is not ‘the group’ going on holiday.

It is one boy inviting his friends to his birthday weekend.

I think you have no business interfering with 17 and 18 year olds and encouraging your Fs to say the others should go unless birthday boy is co-erced into inviting some he himself isn’t friends with.

Anyone who thinks the other friend should be invited even though people don’t want him there - that is actually rather cruel. How would you feel if you found you were only being included because someone’s mummy pushed them into it?

This is where the ‘include everyone whether you like them or not’ way of thinking goes wrong. I would rather not be invited somewhere than be invited reluctantly.

The majority want him there the one doesn’t.

UPDATE - he has spoken to his friends and said that really he needs to be invited.
thanks for all the advice comments
I’m hoping it’s been resolved 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

So IMO they don’t actually need the birthday boy to agree.

It’s a trip for his birthday but he’s not paying for it. So as I said upthread, it’s a group trip that just happens to include celebrating a birthday. Your son and the others can invite the left out boy without needing birthday boy to agree.

Unless birthday boy and other kid really don’t get along or the other kid is mean to him or something. Then my opinion would be different. But doesn’t sound like this is the case.

Sorry somehow missed this. Fingers crossed