Excluding friend from holiday.

[Mickey540]

What would you do ? If anything. DS in a group of friends 7 to be precise. They want to go away for weekend overseas for one of their 18 bday. Except bday boy wants to ask 6 leaving one out. Apparently birthday boy doesn’t really talk to him however he is in the group, a friend of my DS and few of others. I have tried to talk to my DS about leaving one out how would he feel, and can a few say they won’t go without him. I feel the friend is being petty and spiteful but this is not a good look on my DS who has been friends for years as have few others. His mom is also a friend of mine albeit not really close I would feel awful if when she finds out.
i have spoken to my child. Would you just let them get on with it. Most are 17, 2 are 18

@Iloveacurry i agree 🤞

This is a terrible situation. How humiliated that young man may feel knowing he has been carting them around and bringing them food all the while they knew they were leaving him out.

Could you bribe your child a bit? Offer to pay a percentage if X goes.

I'd be disappointed in my child too unless there was some backstory.

@momtoboys totally and I have said to my son how he would feel if this was him. I think I need to speak to him again as I don’t think I am going to be happy if he does it and goes along with everyone.

@Happytaytos no not much back story to it just diff personalities but one of the other boys my son is not keen on but will go anyway and put up with it . And I really don’t think unless a few of them say they won’t go without him which. I believe three of them have tried to say he needs to go but it’s fallen on deaf ears.

From a different perspective, dd is 15 with a group of 12 friends all turning 16 over the next few weeks (except dd as she’s an August birthday). Dd is invited to all parties except Ellie’s. She came home and was a bit sad when she told me and I took a breath and pointed out that she’s sad she’s missing out but doesn’t actually like this particular girl but tolerates her to be part of the group. She realised that’s true and maybe the feeling is mutual, and that’s okay. Her leaving dd out isn’t spiteful, just that they’re not friends despite being in the same group.

@TeenLifeMum I get this and that sounds like a bigger group maybe. I think well know for sure this would not go down well with the one left out. As they all do most things together even if they are not as friendly they still do everything together .

If others are friendly with the other boy then your ds risks being the one left out longer term, but at 18 I would advise then stay out of it.

Same , what ever happened to treating people to how you would like to be treated. So cruel - he wohld be devastated and your boy will lose a good friend as he will never view him the same way if he goes along with this. They are a group - one doesn’t get to decide unless he’s paying which I presume not. We are all defined by our actions not words. It’s my belief these things haunt you when you are older and realise the moral awfulness of hurting someone who is a friend for no reason other than you are too cowardly or selfish that to stand up for what’s right

@Mickey540its awful for the boy. But they are nearly adults and need to negotiate it for themselves. And I've been the kid that's been excluded. But as a deaf adult. That comment was insulting. Unless he is deaf? We live alongside you and that kind of comment really is insulting. Being deaf is not a choice.. ignoring your mum however as annoying it is!

@workshy46 hes come back he’s been out with them all and in his friends car who is not invited. I have just said to him there is no way he can go if he doesn’t get invited. He said he thought about it and agrees he should be invited, so I will see how it goes if he says anything .

@PeasePuddingPottage oh no there must be a typo somewhere there is no one deaf. I don’t know where it says that.
sorry if it has spelt out like that somewhere but it’s a typo.

On one hand, if he's old enough to go away on holiday, your days of having to advise him are over. On the other, this kind of thing can have long consequences, so I'd look at it like would you say this to another adult friend your age? And I would, because I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who'd exclude people, even if it wasn't my birthday/job to organise. Boys often have fewer close friendships/people to celebrate life events than girls, and more importantly, males are far less likely to have people checking up on them when they go through hard times (when we lost a parent, it's shocking how many more people supported me than my brother).

yes I agree. I just would not feel morally this is the right thing to do in the situation it does not sit well. I have spoken to him again about it.
ill see if he takes the advice x

It’s perfectly fine to call out this shitty behaviour. Glad to hear your son has seen sense.

But, to your question, I'd say to my son:
You have been a group for X years; one person in your group seems to be the one calling the shots for everyone; is this the kind of person you are too? Is this who you want to be? Are these the kinds of people you want to be associated with? What does it say about your other friends, and you, for letting one person get singled out?

What a storm in a teacup. Presumably the one the birthday boy doesn’t want to invite is perfectly well aware he and birthday boy barely speak and would quite possibly be astonished at an invitation

. I certainly wouldn’t be inviting someone I didn’t actually talk to on a birthday holiday. Mind you, neither would I regularly spend time in a group that included them…

Have you asked ds how he plans to get to things when his friend won’t drive him? And what a user he and all of them would be if his ‘friend’ kept driving them and he kept accepting lifts?

poor poor kid.

@Mickey540 does the poor lad know he's left out yet?

I hope some of them soon realise how shit bday git is?

Think making your son the moral compass of the group is unfair. Has anyone else brought it up? The lads should call him out on what the holiday actually is. This is a group holiday and they will celebrate birthday boy for one night. This friend is what my dd(17) would call a Billy big bollox, usually they fold fairly quickly when someone says something.

I think your ds and others should talk openly about the holiday when they are all together and let the birthday boy say his piece face to face.

I hope they include him he said he will say about it again but nothing done as yet! Will see

Three of them raised it but apparently the bday boy was having none of it. I will see if he raises it again.

no not at all, I said to my son last night when he came back from being out with him there is no way they can do this to him. He said he knows but no said left out one has no clue as yet

Yes I said to my son no way can he accept a lift or look him in face if they go without him.

Yes exactly I have said all this as I know my son would never be mean like this but also he doesn’t like confrontation so prob a bit afraid to speak up otherwise might not take kindly to him. I have said it’s a strange way to have a group of friends and be like this with each other. All alien to me