Xmas dilemma!

[nassaucalling]

Sorry for the early Christmas post but I need some advice. I have two adult children who recently bought houses with their partners. Up until now we have always done Christmas at our house (their home until earlier this year) . Our eldest has said she would like to host this year but she doesn’t want to invite my father in law ( her grandad) we always host him because he’s dhs dad and he doesn’t have anyone else. She doesn’t want to invite he because he’s a bit lacking in manners - chewing with mouth open for example and he’s quite sexist/ old fashioned on his way of thinking. For example he makes a big fuss that dh cooks as he can’t understand why it wouldn’t be me cooking. But she has also accepted help from him when she was renovating her house both financially and practically (he’s a retired builder) so I feel like she owes him something. Dh and I feel it’s wrong if he spends Xmas day alone we are happy to host but also don’t want to offend dd. What would you do?

It’s wrong to exclude her Grandad, especially as he has given her help. If this offends her, so be it. I would say to her, that its wrong for an elderly man to be left by himself, and therefore if she can’t find it in her to host him, I would say you are and she’s welcome to join. Perhaps she should have let him know that he would not be welcome before she accepted financial & practical help from him.

I think if he's willingly helped her out recently with her new house, she really needs to include him in the invitation. She needs to learn that sometimes you have to overlook minor irritations for the greater good. And what's christmas without a relative and their interesting ways? Makes life more interesting.

Oh so he's fine to take money off, but not fine to give him dinner... Nice.

Grandad wasn't to ill mannered and misogynistic when he was helping out with money and renovations but is when it comes to Xmas dinner! Think your daughter needs to look at her own manners!
Decline her offer and explain why if she gets offended then so be it. I'd not be leaving an old man alone either especially when he's got nobody else.

Where does she suggest he goes instead?

Wow I would be so ashamed if my daughter did this. So she's happy to take handouts from her grandad and have him do free work but not have him for Christmas? I'd decline and say you're not willing to go without him and to have a think about herself and the kind of person she is

She needs to invite him. Lots of things at Christmas involve people we’d rather not be in the company of but seeing as she was happy to take his money…

My DF was a bit like this but now he’s gone Xmas isn’t the same. Tell your DD she’s being pretty hurtful

Yeah, she can't take the moral high ground after taking hand-outs and help. That's not okay, sorry, you need to tell her.

Exactly this.
Why is even a dilemma for you OP?

Wow everyone is in agreement thank you ☺️

How hurtful. I'm sure your daughter does and says things he doesn't agree with, but that didn't stop him from digging in his pockets to help her. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But, I agree with other posters that you cannot leave this poor chap out of Christmas celebrations, especially when he has no one else. I would host this year if it is an all-or-nothing scenario, and invite her to come across during the day if she wishes.

Wrong to exclude him. I understand her feelings but she should ask him, especially as she’s accepted his help in the past

Sounds like she’s lost her head in the excitement of having her first house. Hopefully you can point out that grandad has helped her in the past and it’s absolutely not possible to leave him out.

If she still refuses, then I guess you host him at yours as usual.

She's being very rude. Happy enough to accept his money and help but would rather see him on his own for Christmas? Hmm.

Yes, not a good look. 🙄

if what you have said is the full story your DD does sound awful......

Agree with everyone else. A similar situation is playing out in my family (sibling and wife held their hands out for a house deposit from parents but refuse to spend Christmas with them because one of them "is annoying"). It is causing a lot of upset and hurt.

Your daughters principles didn’t seem to matter when she was taking money and building work from her grandad, not very nice of her at all to think leaving her elderly grandfather on his own at Christmas is acceptable.

You need to let her know that it's unacceptable to expect her father to leave his dad alone ok Christmas, if she feels strongly about not inviting him to her place then she should allow you to host as usual and she can always host another event at her new place if she wants.

And that's putting aside the fact that she was fine taking money and help from him. He's old and wouldn't be here forever so it's unreasonable for her to expect her dad to ruin his relationship with his father so she can host Christmas.

My lovely dad chews with his mouth open and talks while he eats. Yeah it's a bit yuck but I wouldn't be happy if my kids used that as an opportunity to exclude someone who has supported and helped and loved them so much throughout their lives.

It's fine if she wants to challenge sexist comments, and actually a very positive thing if there's any kids there, but I agree with everyone else you don't take money then exclude. And excluding someone for chewing badly could be ableist too-he could be in pain or have problems, and if he's always done it, well she took his money.
My husband would challenge any sexist comments with common sense points (oh, you think women shouldn't work? Well, you won't be expecting many people to help you at the hospital, will you? They can't drive? Funny car insurance used to be cheaper for women), or if an older relative with dementia was using language that was once accepted but not now, he actually talked to the kids about it-what has changed, why it's good to know, and why you can't blame Great-Grandad and how part of being accepting is understanding, but not excusing, certain comments.

If he is good enough to ask/accept help from then he is good enough to host for Christmas Dinner.

Yeah she's out of order . Seems like she has selective principals when they benefit her .

Tbh even without the help he's given she's terrible .elderly relatives left on their own at Xmas I er moderate annoyances . Sorry op you need to have words here and teach her about respect and entitlement