Xmas dilemma!

[nassaucalling]

Sorry for the early Christmas post but I need some advice. I have two adult children who recently bought houses with their partners. Up until now we have always done Christmas at our house (their home until earlier this year) . Our eldest has said she would like to host this year but she doesn’t want to invite my father in law ( her grandad) we always host him because he’s dhs dad and he doesn’t have anyone else. She doesn’t want to invite he because he’s a bit lacking in manners - chewing with mouth open for example and he’s quite sexist/ old fashioned on his way of thinking. For example he makes a big fuss that dh cooks as he can’t understand why it wouldn’t be me cooking. But she has also accepted help from him when she was renovating her house both financially and practically (he’s a retired builder) so I feel like she owes him something. Dh and I feel it’s wrong if he spends Xmas day alone we are happy to host but also don’t want to offend dd. What would you do?

Just tell her sorry but grandad will be spending Christmas with you as otherwise he would be alone so you won't be able to spend Christmas with her.

She’s a terrible person. Truly. She is happy to money and labour from him but is ok with leaving him alone on Xmas. Sorry you raised such a disgraceful person.

No one is entitled to be hosted and catered for on Xmas day. If he is sexiest then why is it her that needs a lesson in respect?

If you feel strongly that you should invite him over, host on Boxing Day? Then you can invite who you like to your house. Assuming you’d like to attend your DDs on Xmas.

So why did she accept money and practical support?

Oh Dear. Maybe say that you and DH will not go to DD without DGF. That'll set the cat amongst the pigeons.

Maybe she'll be ok with that, and maybe she is devious enough to be engineering it so that it' just her and her DP for Christmas Day? If your other child + partner are invited to DDs, have they said anything about DGF being left out?

I always ask myself what's REALLY behind these decisions, because leaving DGF out to spend Christmas on his own because he chews out loud is not really enough IMO.

Even if she hadn't taken the money I'd want FIL to have someone with him. If she doesn't invite I'd have a quiet one at home with my FIL, even if he annoyed me (eating with his mouth open would repulse me).

How hurtful. If she’s hosting grandad needs to come. He’s helped her out even!

So she was happy to ignore his flaws when it was to her benefit. Sorry op she sounds entitled. If she has such a problem with him she wouldn't have accepted his help and monetary support

I Would be very clear, you aren’t leaving no an old man on his own. If they will want to host at their house then fine, you will see them Boxing Day or maybe they can come for a drink in the evening.

She either hosts for all the family - including the one who helped her - or you decline her invite and host yourself.

He eats with his mouth open and has old fashioned, sexist views so needs to be hidden from 'decent' folk at Christmas. But he's a retired builder and has lots of specialist skills he's been giving his granddaughter for free.

That's Christian values right there, and I'm definitely talking about your daughter OP.

Do what you think necessary OP re: Christmas, but you really need to tell your daughter to have serious word with herself.

Yes. But if he's so awful, why would she let him come round and do stuff for her? and take his money

She's absolutely wrong in accepting money and work from Grabdad bit not being prepared to have him over for christmas dinner. Personally I'd decline the invitation and invite grandad to come to me. She sounds like a madam!

This is not a dilemma, OP. Your daughter sounds horribly grabby and mercenary.

Whilst he’s obviously a bit of a PITA, he’s good enough for her to take money and favours from, and to then exclude him from Christmas shortly afterwards is appalling.

How exactly does she imagine that conversation’s going to go? Or what he might feel like afterwards? “Thanks for the cash and time and help with my new house, Grandad. Unfortunately you’re not welcome in it so we’re having Christmas without you, hope that’s ok …”

I’d be incredibly ashamed if one of my kids thought this was an ok way to behave.

I'd tell DD that if she's not prepared to have him over, then you and DH won't be able to come either,as it would be unfair for him to be alone because his granddaughter doesn't like him but will take his money and time.

Odd that he was good enough to help with house but not good enough to sit at her table on Christmas Day. She sounds horrible.

So she’s happy to take his money and renovation help. But also happy to leave an elderly man alone at Xmas. How nasty. I’d be so ashamed if that was my daughter.
I would tell her that no matter how ill mannered he is. Or how old fashioned in his beliefs your are not prepared to leave grandad on his own over Xmas so you will decline her invite and have grandad over to your house instead

Yep same here! My parents were good enough to give them such a lift up in life. Like a 250k lift that I didn’t get. But they are not good enough for Christmas Day because darling SIL always spends it with her Mum and then Boxing Day with her sister. You can’t take financial help from people you won’t share your table with.

I would suggest that she has xmas in her new home and she can host you and her grandparents for a drink in the evening/boxing day

It’s up to your DD who she invites for Christmas lunch. And it’s up to you if you accept the invitation or not.

What you shouldn’t do is apply pressure to DD to invite someone she doesn’t want in her home.

Dd needs to accept her parents won't be there

Absolutely. If OP decides not to go.

It’s an invitation not a summons!! 😊

I think the issue is the the daughter is being awful.

She's happy enough to take his money, but not give him dinner.

She sounds horrible.

Host as normal invite everyone they either come or they don't

Sounds like DD has forgotten this. It's not like fil will have suddenly become sexist you've all had tears to educate him we aren't in the 1970s.
personally I wouldn't be going without grandad either and would say we aren't leaving him out.
What's it all about if you can't be kind at Xmas.